Control
by neurofeces
Summary: TxT Tsukasa's nursed his crush on Tomonori for long enough, but when he takes action it only seems to drive the human further away. But does Tomonori really not feel the same? Or is he just afraid of a lack of control?Rated for sensuality in later chapter
1. 1 Recoil: Tomonori

Can't say it's my first time writing romance...but it is my first serious yaoi fanfic. Have mercy on this poor soul and plese do not kill me if the characters seem OOC.

Psycological strain is enough to change a person, this is my guess of what would happen to someone with such a strong superego (sense of morals) as Tomonori. Please forgive if it's a bit off.

Flames however are welcome. Tell me I stink. I'll laugh about it,I really will.

(part1)

Tomonori stormed out of the house feeling oddly hurt, confused and a bit angry, though his face didn't show it. 'why would he say something like that?' But Tomonori couldn't find any reason for Tsukasa to not have meant what he said. Tomonori shook his head irritably. They couldn't...he was too old, Tsukasa was too young...EVERYTHING was too...odd. Tomonori gritted his teeth behind thinned lips.

Even though he did feel that way...somewhat. He did have... SOME interests in Tsukasa. Even if he kept them secret from him. Even if his actions wouldn't have given it away...truthfully...he was confused too. He didn't know what he felt. Not exactly at any rate...not quite attraction...but a bit beyond mere fondness... "ugh." he muttered distastefully. Just thinking about it was enough to tie his mind into knots...Tsukasa was...Tsukasa, there was nothing more he could say or think or do about it. Especially when it came to his wishes...

He sighed. He knew he wasn't good enough, that EVERYTHING was wrong with it, with BOTH of them and these...feelings, he carefully controlled his expression, keeping it blank-though for who's sake he knew not. Tsukasa was lonely. He reasoned behind this mask. And he was around him more than any other person, so likely, that was why the boy had done such a thing...why he felt-why he THOUGHT he felt...that...

Tomonori frowned, forcibly cutting off his stream of thoughts about what Tsukasa had told him. He didn't even like to CONSIDER those words... He projected an image of his own face in his mind. Was there anything really nice at all about his form? Any other reason for Tsukasa to think that way? Ordinary asian features, ordinary black japanese hair. Pale as ivory...nothing really outstanding came to his mind, bad eyesight, strict and reserved...far too distant, right? There was no way Tsukasa would be drawn to such...distance, would he? Tomonori internally sighed, completing his mental picture. All that uniformity, that reclusive part of himself, and even some flat out non-social-ness...all of his deficiencies...There was no way, there was just no way, compared to... He swallowed hard, a new picture filling his mind.

His plainess opposing Tsukasa's exotic pale blonde hair, trembly smile, large glass-like eyes filled to the brim with innocent hopeful brightness, despite the sudden moods of sadness that occasionally overtook him, the soft golden glow to his skin that seemed to make him shimmer in dim light... not even counting his beautiful personality, his shy laughter, awkward smile-making his whole face shine with joy, his gentle nature... Tomonori felt his heart sink in his chest. He couldn't do this to him...he couldn't have done anything to merit this suspective attraction, this sort of...attention, from Tsukasa!

'Is this a sort of test? Was Tsukasa testing something?' But...those eyes...

Ah, yes, those eyes...Tomonori inadverantly let out a sigh, the image imprinted upon his mind...

The memory came back unbearably strong. He stopped walking, pressing his back against a tree, the chilly air of the dusk turning his breath into smoke. He removed his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose. He had simply been cooking a meal when He had felt those small arms encircle his waist, raising the hairs on his neck...His breathing slowed as the memory came back, as freshly as though it was happening anew.

His motions froze, he jerked, stiffening. Who was holding him like that? Who WOULD possibly hold him like that? He glanced behind him to see a wisp of blond. He kept his face blank, not allowing the surprise to register, thinking nothing of it. He forced his voice to remain even "Tsukasa? oh. You startled me." Then those eyes had looked up at him, capturing his effortlessly. No matter how much Tomonori wanted to struggle, no matter how much he wanted to avert his gaze, he couldn't look away from those eyes. More compelling than any mindbreaker's, making his skin suddenly constrictive.

He had to look away! And was unable to...he was unable not to...so confused by those beautiful hypnotic eyes. He was always confused, always worried, wondering if some day his mask would slip and Tsukasa would read what he felt about those eyes, read in his own what he felt...what he saw in those eyes, oh those captivating eyes... The cut glass shade of gray, like a gently cracked and age spotted dusty mirror from the back of somone's attic. The one you knew was the most valuable even though it was cracked nearly to unusability, dark molten silver like mercury mixed with the faintest touch of rich green, a pale wash of brown over it. An indescribable shade. the light reflecting his own eyes back in the younger boy's even from that distance in a yet more mirrorlike fashion. He could see his own alarm in that reflection. He quickly hid it, it would not do to be afraid without reason, especially in front of those eyes.Tsukasa's pale gold lashes-like the gold filigree framework around the dual precious mirrors-fringed his almost impossibly large eyes, softening them further. Such beautiful eyes, changing colors with his moods, with his joy, with his frustration, with his tears, always different lovely shades of hazel. More brown or more green or more gray. He had always admired them... The bottomless black pupils were wide as they gazed at him, in perfect contrast with the hazel, mirror-like irises, gazing for a moment, as though they could gaze into his very soul...perhaps that was what made him feel so confused...he couldn't see so much could he? It seemed as though he KNEW everything just from the way he could look at him so deeply. As though he could see through that mask. Terribly frightening to him...

But those liquidy eyes looking at him in that half lidded way...sleepy? no...it didn't seem he was tired...

Tomonori swallowed hard, that odd nervous sensation trickling down his spine.

Tsukasa...staring in an almost..._seductive_ manner like that...

It was enough to alarm him, enough for alarm to register through his impassive mask for a moment. Something wriggled in his stomach uneasily.

He didn't like that look, for some odd reason he felt his belly twist in fear. **FEAR**! Of a child nearly a foot shorter than him, and certainly far more slightly built. It was laughable. He knew even better than anyone else that Tsukasa would never harm a fly if given the choice, knew he was powerful, but would never hurt him...but nonetheless that look...of _hunger_ that rawness frightened him. "Tsukasa? ...do you need something?" He heard himself ask, sounding far calmer than he felt. "I can't do this anymore Tomonori-san." Tsukasa said quietly in a low voice that reminded Tomonori of the purr of a cat ready to pounce, but with suddenly strangely sad eyes abruptly downcast. Tomonori felt, hovering at the edges of that soft tone, a twinge of desperation. Desperation for what? He wasn't suicidal was he? Tomonori's thoughts drifted down that path into alarm. After all he had been through...Tomonori certainly wouldn't be completely surprised by it, but... "I'm sorry, what?" Tomonori asked, becoming more uneasy when Tsukasa rubbed his hands against his midriff, through the well fitting black fabric of his robe, sending eerie sensations through him, his heartbeat racing suddenly. Had he been less able to control himself, blood would have rushed to his face in an unsightly blush, but he controlled it...barely. His body tensed, suddenly rigid. He never lost control, and now was not the time to start. He needed his face to be a mostly blank, controlled mask, so it was, and however his emotions might struggle beneath it, he wouldn't let them show. He _couldn't_ let them show. Tsukasa's lips barely moved as he spoke in a low tone, one that Tomonori could hardly hear, his bangs hiding his eyes. "I can't pretend anymore, I have to know...no, I have to let YOU know..." Tomonori's heart nearly stopped, cold sweat trickling between his shoulderblades as Tsukasa nuzzled his neck from behind, eyes closed as though this might be his last memory, his hot breath stirred the skin near Tomonori's ear, sending hot ripples of some undescribable nervous enjoyment through his body. Tomonori swallowed abruptly as Tsukasa sighed, ghosting his hands over him in an almost _loving_ manner, sending shivers down Tomonori's spine...it felt...good, in a way that was decidedly unfitting for a 'father' to have towards a 'son'...But Tsukasa didn't mean it...that way...did he?

Tomonori knew he didn't need those thoughts. He _couldn't_ allow those thoughts. Not with the feelings He had been mostly keeping under control himself. It was all he needed to lose control now and do something regrettable because he jumped to the conclusion that what Tsukasa was doing was meant as... He swallowed. His mind racing for a logical explanation. Why could he be acting like this? What if there was something wrong with Tsukasa? What if he was sick? "Tsu-Tsukasa?" he heard himself stutter as a warm breath stirred the tiny hairs by his ear. Don't lose that control you fool! Control...

He steadied himself, asking in a calmer, but still concerned tone "Are you sure you're feeling well? Are you sick?" He twisted around to test his forehead for fever. Tsukasa loosened his grip as Tomonori turned around, he sighed. "You...don't understand do you?" he murmured to himself. But suddenly his eyes snapped back to Tomonori's face, his lip quivered, and something inside him seemed to burst as he abruptly grabbed Tomonori around the neck, his eyes inches away from Tomonori's, so much more beautiful when closer... He suddenly seemed desperate. "Tomonori-san, do you hate me?" Tomonori's eyes widened, nearly blushing once again, controlling it for the second time. "What?" he said disbeleivingly before he could assert control over his mouth. But those mirrored irises looked so fragile when he said that..._frightened_ even. But...why would he be afraid of something like that? He should already know the answer right? Tomonori couldn't remember being distant or aloof or outright hateful to Tsukasa **ever**. He tried to always be kind to the Eraser. Tsukasa's life was, and had been hard enough without him adding to it by... He forced his thoughts away, back to rationality. He hadn't ever done anything of the sort. So what could possibly bring up this sort of question with such fear and desperation?

"I could never hate you Tsukasa." He replied softly. "Why would you think such a thing?" Tsukasa's lip suddenly quivered again, curving into a releived smile that made Tomonori's insides warm, then back into a desperate sort of worry. Worry? About what?

Tsukasa grabbed him closer around the neck, Tomonori's eyes widened as he was suddenly forced to bend down. An inch separated them. Tomonori controlled his urge to blush warning signals flaring in his head, paling. He stuttered "Ts-Tsukasa! What are you-" Tsukasa placed a finger to his lips, silencing him, giving him an uncontrollable blush reaction, eyes wide, visible to him in those mirrors...

"Shhh...don't talk, just please don't hate me for this." Tsukasa whispered ever so quietly. His arms trembled around Tomonori's neck. Tomonori was about to ask another question, feeling rather uncomfortable being so close to him, feeling just oddly...Scared, about all of this. Why was he so close? Was he really going to...no! That couldn't be it, he didn't think of him that way did he?. He wasn't really comfortable with any kind of human contact but if Tsukasa was really going to...No, he wasn't was he? He couldn't be! Why was he so close then? He...He wasn't...

Tsukasa squeezed his eyes shut as though to brace himself, then snapped his head forward and jammed their lips together so hard that their teeth clacked. Tomonori thought his eyes would pop from his skull in shock, stiffening, pain flaring from his mouth under that crushing jaw breaking kiss, but with it, just a hint of sweet hot sunshine that made something dance inside his stomach, made his face grow warm..."Ouch!" Tsukasa squeaked jerking back abruptly. he pulled up a hand to his lips, looking surprised at the pain there, gazing at Tomonori with a look of such naive surprise, even shock, that Tomonori had a mild urge to smile embarrassedly, or even laugh, but he was too busy staring in wide-eyed shock at Tsukasa. Then the boy seemed to realize what he had done-rather ineptly, but still done. "Oh..." He touched his mouth, seemingly surprised to find his lips throbbing. "I-I didn't mean that to happen...not like that-I'm so sorry!...I..." He suddenly seemed to turn crimson in a split second. He swallowed, backing away, babbling in a very out of character fashion, not seeming to know what to do with his hands, nervously jerking them together, sticking them in his pockets only to change his mind. Even brushing against Tomonori's hand once. "T-T-Tomonori-san...I think I...I...I'm sorry...I just needed to get that out of my system and..." He swallowed "I...I think...IloveyouTomonorisan!" He blurted the confession together in a speedy stammer, clamping a hand over his mouth seemingly horrified when he was done. Tomonori had felt his heartbeat leap into his mouth, then drop abruptly into his toes. He raised a hand to his painfully throbbing lips, alarmed, but still maintaining nothing but surprise on his mask-like outer face, he looked away. He had to avoid those eyes, lest they see the clashing emotions threatening to spill over there. Tsukasa looked at the ground, embarassed, blushing brightly, a pained look on his face. "I-I know it's wrong...I'm sorry...I shouldn't have-you can't possibly feel the same-but I can't help it Tomonori-san..." His eyes were pleading as he stared into the depths of Tomonori's soul. Tomonori wasn't sure whether or not Tsukasa could read what was going on there, if his eyes were still sheilded. "I j-just can't help it..." He muttered softly again. Half pleading, half apologizing. Desperate for understanding. He grabbed a gloved ahnd and held it desperately in his own smaller hands, clasping it against his brow, bowing his head. Tomonori let out the breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. His blood chose this as a good time to tinge his face with red. Taking a hurried step back from Tsukasa, fiddling with his glasses, he said nothing, trying to think of what he _could_ say. "Oh." He tried to think of something, but the words weren't coming...he needed a bit of time to gether his wits without the memory of...

"T-T-Tomonori-san? w-w-will you still take care of me?" Tsukasa looked petrified, the red had faded from his face into a ghostly white.. Tomonori tried to catch his whizzing thoughts. Tsukasa? and...HIM? "I-I know you don't feel...the same..." Tsukasa's eyes looked terribly sad, though he cast his eyes away from Tomonori as he said it in some clumsy attempt to hide it, he let go of the hand he had grabbed. "But...can I at least stay here? If you don't want me to..." He swallowed, wiping his eye. A glimmer of wetness dashed away. "w-w-well, I wouldn't blame you..n-not now at least I mean." he said shakily. He shut his eyes as though not wanting to see his fate. Tomonori felt something ache in his chest. He placed a hand to Tsukasa's face after a moment of indescision, titling his face to look at him. The boy gave a small gasp, staring shocked at him, his utmost attention given-his rapt expression alone was enough to give the bravest person sudden shyness. Tomonori's expression softened, he gave a soft smile to Tsukasa who promptly turned red again. "You always have a place to stay with me. And I still don't hate you and never will." Tomonori bowed his head then sighed, wondering how he could say this. "I understand...But... I don't understand why..." He paused to think of a way to word what he wanted to say. He took a breath and let it out slowly, forcing himself to relax his words.. "Tsukasa...it would be illegal you know. For anything to happen between us...I'm truly sorry...you know this can't happen..." He bowed his head, hair sliding to curtain his face on both sides, hiding one of his eyes. He spoke quietly"I wish I could make you happy...that would be worth it to me, but..." He sighed "I'm really not the right person for you...You'll see. You'll forget about me in no time...I'm sure you'll find out what I mean, then you'll understand." He opened his eyes. Tsukasa was staring at him, looking crushed. Tomonori was alarmed by the hurt in those eyes. He made to speak again, but Tsukasa only shook his head, eyes squeezed shut, his head bowed suddenly, looking away from Tomonori. His hands clenched into fists, then he looked back up at him with eyes suddenly a cloudy gray. so emotional, it mingled into something Tomonori could not read. Eyes raging. "I'll never forget you Tomonori-san...never...how can you even-" He stopped himself. Tomonori was genuinely surprised. The fact that Tsukasa had raised his voice...he hadn't known that he felt so strongly about this. Second thoughts bubbled in Tomonori's mind, once again he made to say something but was cut off by a sharp "No." From Tsukasa. The eraser sighed, the whites of his eyes growing pink, like he was holding back tears, he looked away. "I'm sorry. I won't bother you again. I'm sorry about everything. I should have known...I'm so sorry...you didn't want this...you never...I'll just go...I'm sorry." Then he had gone with a bow, eyes suspiciously liquidy, a glimpse of wetness on his face. Leaving Tomonori to be privately confused and afraid of his own feelings. "Tsukasa..." But Tsukasa was gone. Tomonori sighed, wanting to follow but also knowing now that his prescence would only worsen this...none of his apologies would close that terrible wound. It was much better that he never know...just be hurt now... He heard the door to Tsukasa's room close, and he sighed, his own feelings bubbling confusedly to the point of overflow, He wanted to kick himself for being such an idiot. He frustratedly whipped off the stove, and pulled on a coat for a walk outside, hoping it would clear his thoughts and give him some solution to this new and unexpected problem. One he had never expected to have. He just needed to get away. He could hear a choked sob from the boy's room. His chest gave a sharp pain, he opened his mouth to say something, taking a few steps to the room, but drew back suddenly. He had to get out of there...

Tomonori shook his head irritably, instinctively tapping his lips in memory.

He forced himself to walk, pushing his back from the supportive tree and continuing briskly on his way. His pace slowed to a shuffle as he felt an incredible sadness sweep through him. 'I have to go back...He deserves some explanation, some reason...I just can't do that to him.' He bowed his head, allowing some of his emotions to show, frustration creasing his smooth brow. 'How can I explain this to him? How can I tell him? I can't possibly be good enough...and...I can't risk it anyway. Serving under a mindbreaker is dangerous enough, what would happen if I were to become so...involved with him? An eraser.' He sighed softly. Something in him wanted to. He wanted to see Tsukasa happy, even more than he wished happiness for himself. But he knew that wasn't the only reason. He knew what he felt. Knew it, but couldn't acknowledge it. He was a preist. Above all else he had to serve. Above all else he was dedicated to the service of his God. 'I care about him.' He justified stubbornly. 'But that doesn't mean I feel THAT way about him. Even if I did-God have mercy on me-I could never allow myself to do such things! I must keep my priorities straight.' He bowed his head, a black curtain of hair hiding his profile. He shivered as his mind brought that brief intense moment where Tsukasa had jammed his lips against him back into his mind. His mouth gave a ghost of a throb as though to punctuate the memory. Tomonori internally gritted his teeth 'stop that! I cannot allow my reason to be overthrown. I must not encourage this behavior. I must hope it passes...' He suddenly swallowed.

Not only did he have to hope for Tsukasa's to pass, but he had to hope for his own emotions to cool. He couldn't recall a time where he had felt so agitated. This wasn't like him. He walked onwards deep in thought, wondering if he could even find a solution by the time he went home.

(end of part one)

please review...I intend to update if I can get a reveiw.

Otherwise I may as well remove this, I'm not very good at writing romance. It's more of an angst thing...there'll be plenty of that, but I'm a hppy ending type of person...in fact, I even have a FUNNY ending in mind.

Ah, this is an...orange...fic.

What is an orage you may say? Many people are familiar with lemons and limes, but oranges? A lemon or a lime is a sexual fic...slightly sour, in varying proportions--ie more graphic. An orange however is sweet. Not quite fluff. It's more of a sensuality thing that never quite becomes an issue of (pardon the bluntness) screwing around. It's my own definition as you might have guessed, but it seemed to make sense.

Orangeness.

please review, even if it's just to say I ought to be hung by my hair until the crows pick out my eyes. It's my first fic on my new account...no I wasn't cast off for lemons or anything...actually, I was practically kicked off for bad grammer. Pathetic ne? I'm checking more carefully now. If you catch a typo, I'd love if you can point it out for me--I'm lazy. I'll try to fix it up.


	2. 2 Fall: Tsukasa

Oh really now, I'm blushing. That was quite frankly the most wonderful reveiw I have ever received from anyone LumChang, and I don't even think I'm very good at this either, so it's really made my dady for...about three days now...heheh. (although I don't have much of a life to begin with, it's really up there on my list of 'feel good things'. Yay moral boost!)

BoJang-good grammer...well that's also the first time I've heard that too. Awesome? Sweet Jumpin Jillybeans! is everyone trying to flatter me or something? I'm blushing, I really am. Okay fine, well I'm cackling at the same time, but that sort of ruins the effect, so for the sake of happy mental pictures, I'm blushing.

Ah. I should have made a stronger warning, oh dear.

To all who may be reading:

If you don't normally read shounan-ai (aka. Yaoi, Slash, Boy/Boy, M/M)...well I don't know how much of a tolerance you have for this kind of subject matter, I have a warning up for sensuality in some later chapter. It's not...sex or anything, but it has that sort of feeling to it (call it a sort of subtle undertone)...it's going to get messy near the end. I'm too much of a chicken and a noob to write a sex scene on my first slash fic, but I do not want to offend anyone. It is angsty, especially in this chapter. But that should come to be expected. Tsuka-chan is poster child angsty pretty boy, and I am an angst junkie. I couldn't resist. Forgive me. I'll make up for it with a guaranteed funny ending for anyone who might want to murder me by the end of this.

Another general announcement. If I still have interest, I hope to add a chapter every friday from now until completion at some distant time. I have approximately six chapters pre written, but my spelling and punctuation are atrocious--at least on first run (due in part to the fact that my laptop is dated back to the eighties, and therefore runs only wordpad, which does not underline either spelling or grammatical errors like Word does). I typically require a few days of revision each time I put my fingers to the keyboard--which is every night for at least an hour, because I am a nerd. Plus, if I were to post as it is, you would likely not receive my best work. My best work tends to come when I pick out things to add delete and change, minute details that add to the lovely angsty, romancy, in-bishie's-head experience. Plus on a decidedly more evil note, it gives people something to stress about in the week between updates (evil cackle)

Note to people reading. The POV basically changes back and forth every chapter or so. I have no guarantee that it will stay that way perfectly. But I'm likely going to have instances where the events overlap and you get the same thing happening but to both sides. However. I hope it will still be interesting enough that there will be no complaints.

ah, and finally, without further (major) interruption, I present part 2

**warnings: general angstiness, shounan-ai, flashback in beginning(which should be fixed by those ruler lines in this chapter...I seem to have lost my little colons), evil cliffhanger of doom waiting at the end of the chapter to ensnare yet another unfortunate soul...all that good stuff**

* * *

Tomonori's dark eyes looked at him kindly, sympathetically. Tsukasa's heart pounded. Hammering because of what he had the audacity to just do, and from fear and wonder of what Tomonori was going to do, going to say. Touching his face like that-was he going to kiss HIM? Tsukasa's insides fluttered at the thought. A small bubble of hope. Hope that he had really seen that tiny spark in his eyes, that he wasn't imagining it... But Tomonori only sighed, his eyes sorrowful, regretful, still cooly blank behind the shallowest emotions. Telling Tsukasa in advance that only sad news would come from that beloved mouth.

"I'm sorry..." Tomonori told him softly, his voice gentle."I wish I could make you happy...that would be worth it to me, but..." He looked away slowly, movements fluid, his hair hiding him, making Tsukasa feel distant and far away. Tsukasa couldn't tell what he was thinking. He couldn't ever...but before it had only made him wonder, made him guess, made him want to study him more closely, learn everything he could about him. Hoping that one day he could know exactly what he thought, what he felt, that he wouldn't have to guess. That one day he could be good enough for that sheild to melt away and that guard to lift, and him to see the real person in that face, within those black eyes--so exotic to a person raised forever in a sea of blondes, and winged creatures. A homogeneous sea where something like Lafayel's black feathers were a rarity, and something this dark, this simply contrasted was unheard of.

The pearlesque whites of his eyes, and a colorless perfect disk in the center, black on black, perfectly etched eyelashes around them, a soft slant at the corners, magnified ever so slightly behind those rimless lenses. He had never seen anything so liquidly and flawlessly black before...It never ceased to take his breath away to stare into that deepness... But now, it was like looking at a wall, and those black pools were locked behind ink, clouding his view of the soul within. Tsukasa felt as though he was on the outside of a steel wall. And he could only hear the snatches of whispered conversation deep within those walls, but never walk along those colorful thought-lined streets, never fully understand how Tomonori thought or if he was sheilding it from him or WHY he would sheild himself unless... Something was squeezing Tsukasa's chest. He couldn't breathe, dread filling him as he realized that if this tone meant what he thought it did, it meant that all his hopes were wrong. Tomonori's voice continued, pulling along a desperate captive, ahnging on to every word, looking for some scrap of something to hope for in them."I'm really not the right person for you...You'll see. You'll forget about me in no time...I'm sure you'll find out what I mean, then you'll understand." Tomonori said gently. But the gentleness, and the sympathy of the rejection didn't lessen it's sting; it only deepened Tsukasa's anguish. His throat suddenly grew tight, tears lingering in his eyes.

His hope was extinguished

Tomonori felt nothing for him.

He didn't feel this deep dark pull tugging him into a dream world where he was free to dwell on everything he could not have. He didn't feel this frustration, this terrible longing, aching more and more. Hour by hour. Day by burning day. He didn't want him to leave. But he didn't want Tsukasa's love. He wanted a son. He wanted to be a father to him. But being a father to him was not going to sate Tsukasa's desire for a lover. His kindness would not sate this ache for not just any person to love him, but for HIM, and him alone. He could only stand there and feel his throat burn as he fought to hold back those trecherous tears. Wishing that he had a wall of his own to hide his emotions behind. To hide some semblence of his dreams crumbling, and his hope fading away into dust.

Anything to sheild this brokeness.

* * *

Tsukasa wiped his eyes, blowing his nose for the third time. The tears wouldn't stop. His chest simply **ached.** From longing, from dejection, from what he couldn't call by any other name than LOVE. 'Oh what was I thinking?' He asked himself, wiping his eyes again. 'kissing him like that...I'm too childish. I'm too small. And I was horrible at it too-I know it wasn't supposed to hurt like that... How could I ever hope to repay all he's done for me? with THIS? By falling in love with him!' He choked down a loud sob. Burying his head in his pillow. Weeping bitterly. How could his heart still hurt so much? How could his chest be so painful if his heart had supposedly shattered into so many peices? If it was broken then why did it still seem to beat, and allow blood to to rush through his veins? If his heart had broken than why did he still wish so badly for the relationship he now knew would never occur? He placed a hand to his aching chest, feeling that trecherous heartbeat under his fingertips. "why?" he whispered to himself in a tone hoarse and thick, clouded with tears. This was the second time he had thought himself unfit to live. But to compare the murders of his past with something as seemingly trivial as this...it was only a mere crush right? It seemed wrong to compare something that should be so small with murder. Except...this ache. This knowledge that every day he would wake to see that damnably perfect, gentle human at the table reading his Bible with such attentiveness, such absorbtion into those ancient words. And every day, he would wish for those beautiful black eyes to stare into his with love, not mere fondness, something deep and dark and rich, something even deeper of an absorbtion in him than he showed that leather bound book. He would want something he could read plainly in his normally calm expression. He would long for those sensual pale lips to graze his own, for that soft voice to whisper "good morning Tsukasa-koi." for those powerful arms to cradle him and that voice to whisper things into his waiting ears, things that right now, would make even his impassive face blush crimson. Tsukasa felt fresh tears slip from his eyes at this perfect picture in his mind. Sights and sounds, and now that unbearable taste he had stolen for a moment...the memory haunting him. This fantasy almost more vivd than reality for how long he had spent, memorizing every minute detail into a scene from his paradise, the moments that haunted his dreams. Romantic dreams sometimes less chaste than his innocence, though often it was simple and pure, and just as simple as what he felt when awake. But no matter which, they were still a deadly secret. Only told to a simple journal tucked under his matress. His fairytale storybook, sometimes of which, he read over, a blissful smile on his face as he went over every dream, sleeping or waking, endless scenarios, endless times, endless places, endless little instances where they were together. His mind was filled again with that imaginary image of adoration in those beautiful black eyes. His chest ached peircingly for a moment at that perfect dream-memory. He gritted his teeth, fresh tears streaming from his eyes. He would see that every morning, and be interrupted by the reality asking him if he was alright, by his reality blinking curiously and asking him what he wanted to eat. And of course he would answer that he was fine as his heart broke all over again, and the human would smile, ruffle his hair-oh how could he possibly know what even that small show of simple affection made him feel?-and go on as though he was normal. Treat him kindly but not with a kindness bron of deep love, with a fondness that was friendly but nothing more. He ached so badly every time that happened, but before he had at least had some hope...now... His heart gave a sharp ache, his lips still throbbing. He had licked them clean for the merest taste of what he couldn't have, wishing so deeply for this not to be how his fantasy would turn out...being rejected, living forever more in shame of those feelings, and longing every second for what he wasn't allowed. 'I need to find him...I just need to see him again...apologize for all of this...' he wiped his eyes. He cautiously opened the door. "T-Tomonori-san?" he called hoarsely. He clamped his hand over his mouth suddenly. He couldn't let the human see him like this, he thought hurriedly while walking to the bathroom to wash his face free of tears before he found Tomonori. He had to keep this from Tomonori, let him think it was all a game or something, ANYTHING...he just...didn't want to worry him, not after all that kind man had done for him. He'd rather see a smile from him than a frown of gentle concern. Those rare smiles never ceased to make his heart pound faster...to make blood beat in his ears, to feel such terrible happiness if he was the cause of one-he so rarely was able to make Tomonori smile...but then again, nobody else seemed to be able to make him smile at all, and even when he did, it was often only when his steel wall of control flickered for the barest second. His smiles for Tsukasa came more commonly, when they were alone especially...oh how he knew that, how he had hoped that it was some shred of proof that Tomonori felt something for him as he did for the preist. But obviously now, it was not so. He dried his face with a soft towel. His bangs damp. He took a deep breath to prepare himself for more torture. "Tomonori-san?" he called in a much clearer sounding voice.

His brow creased worriedly. He couldn't sense him...maybe his senses were still clouded by his emotional charge. He took a deep breath, forcibly calming himself. walking slowly downstairs. "Tomonori-san?"

He felt fear rising. Room...empty...room...empty. the house was empty. Void of his presence. Tomonori was gone. 'maybe he had an errand to run...' but he noticed their dinner lay half cooked in the pan. The bottom nearly burnt. Tsukasa's eyes widened. It wasn't like Tomonori to just leave something on the stove. Something had happened that had forced him to leave.

"Oh my God." Tsukasa whispered. The fresh memory of him pushing too rashly, too eagerly to kiss him, and accidentally smashing his lips against his teeth plagued him again. He had tasted blood...seen it on Tomonori's lip. Watched him turn a surprising shade of red. Hoped it was because he felt the same. But no. It had been embarrassment. Shock. Horror. Humiliation...even defilement...he was a preist, who knew what Tsukasa's lack of control would cost him--hours of anxious prayer and confession! Tsukasa had likely put his very soul in danger with such an action.

His heart gave a terrible pang of Terror. Tsukasa gripped his chest, feeling his heartbeat run faster his breathing speeding.

He hadn't given it deep thought at the time, but Tomonori's wall against his emotions may have hidden a more frightened and disgusted reaction to him-perhaps even enough for him to...leave. "what was I thinking!" he whispered to himself, wiping his eyes. He felt his heart breaking, his very soul in pain at the thought of not having Tomonori there for him. He couldn't see the world without Tomonori as being happy, he was his sole strength in the world, the firm foundation upon which he stood, with the aid of the steeping stones who were his friends...He was the first thing he had ever loved about the Earth he had been cast down to...the only thing he loved in the romantic sense of the word, though he cared for him in more than the romantic sense. He would gladly give his life for him, even take it with his own hands if it would mean that Tomonori would live. But Tomonori was gone now... He felt panic begin to rise in him. What if Tomonori wasn't on an errand but was...gone. Forever. "Oh no...oh no...what have I done? What have I done?" He felt the room begin to swim, he felt his knees waver, his heart was jackhammering. "What have I DONE!" He cried, clutching his chest, tears spilling over his cheeks. He tried to stumble out the arch of the door, But his knees buckled beneath him. He fell to the ground with a gagging sob, balling up on the ground. The pain in his chest was excruciating. His scarred shoulders suddenly painful as well, something trickling down his back. He gave a whimper of pain, curling into a tight fetal position, a hand on his burning shoulder. A hand against this awful ripping in his chest, gripping it, hoping to somehow stop this searing pain. 'Tomonori-san! Oh please...don't...' Tears leaked from under his eyelids. He opened his eyes. The room was spinning much too fast. He was going to fall! No matter that he was already on the ground. He was going to fall! Just like he had fallen to earth. Uncontrollably. Unable to stop the decent with his feeble stunted wings...

"Oh...God...Tomonori-san...please...somebody...help me..." He choked out in a whimper, begging mentally for the human to come back, somehow stop this pain... The room suddenly went black with a final searing pain to his shoulders and back, making him draw in a sharp breath, crying out in anguish.

(end of part 2)

What's happened to Tsukasa? well...I suppose you are going to need to read on if you wish to know. (evil snicker) I'm quite welcome to flames about me 'killing Tsukasa'(which I am sure is in the paranoid mind of one rabid fangirl or another)-though I admit nothing to my plans of course. Only that you must wait and see. The next update is due the day after our dear Tomonori-san's birthday. Ah. I'll have to go write something wicked about that now won't I? Perhaps a humor fic...(muses) To whet the appetite, I have already begun a fic which is currently "in the oven". It bears a bit more humor than this one, and would only be romantic of sorts to the type of mind that sees this couple as inseperable under any circumstance. It's not shounan-ai by my definitions, no more than the actual manga that is. But likely it will end up as a mere pathetic one-shot of mine, so for a continuing TxT romance buzz, everyone who wants one will have to come to this lovely angsty story--for the time being at least. Ah, I'm so wicked aren't I?

Please reveiw for this pathetic writer who bears the name meaning "Mental Crap"

(oh!...I have fanart! Of both Tsukasa with wings looking cute and concerned, and Shiba sitting there looking unimpressed as ever--two seperate drawings...and the location/use of them is free to those who ask! Hint Hint!)


	3. 3 Revelation: Tomonori

Ah. I seem to be becoming popular (blushes) Gah! I never expected people to like my stories like this...oy, and now I sound like the eager little kid that I am...heheheh.

Mm...lets see.

Ah yes, my shameless plug, everyone look to the end of my bio. I have links for two pictures of mine. One's a head shot of Tsukasa-kun. The other I am REALLY proud of. It's Shiba-senpai...I even made an awesome ying-yang/dragon design for him which turned out awesome. The people I've shown it seem to think they're not bad, so I thougth I'd flaunt a bit (cough cough MistyStarlight cough cough).

Now, Reveiw responses (joy JOY!)...are banished to coming up AFTER the cliffhanger of doom (oh COME ON you've got to expect one of those. This IS my trippy angst story, it's filled with little twitchy things like cliffhangers and doom.)

Okay, I'll spill. THey're getting long because my fingers get twitchy at the thoguht of writing back to someone who actually took the time to type about what they thought of MY pathetic writing. I'm such a geek that I get excited about these things, and before I know it-hey presto!- I've got a page for two measly responses in ten point font. It's really sad. But that's where they are. I always write responses to everyone, so everyone who dropped me one this past chapter gets one. (W00T! You get a reveiw from a loser! doesn't this just make your day!)

so look for your penname/signing name, and see what you get.

...And to all of you in general I give a big whack on the back (ow) which means I'm very flattered but am too worried about my ego to give you a glomp (heheh). But I really mean it in a nice way, so it's kinda the same as a glomp...er...for me at least. If you want a better reward check out my pictures and consider them free of any strings for what you might want to do with poor Tsukasa-kun or Shiba-senpai. (cackles)

As for anyone else, here's your chapter without further delay.

**warnings: shounan-ai, angst, pediophile preist-ness(well it IS...sort of), 'divine affection'(angel x human goodness), a touch of descriptiveness for gore, and of course...the ever feared big honking cliffhanger of doom at the end of the chapter.**

* * *

Tomonori gave a shiver. But not from the cold. He had a sudden horrible chill in his chest, taking his breath away. He slowed, placing a hand to his chest, frowning thoughtfully. Something wasn't right...Like something was suddenly missing. He frowned. That deep cold hole was spreading, as though something horrible was eating away at him and was steadily growing worse... He frowned, puzzled. 'what could have possibly happened? I'm no psychic, no clairvoyant, no telepath... I've never sensed something bad happening before...that **must** be what I'm feeling but...what could this be?' He walked on, frowning. He didn't like this feeling. He didn't like this one bit. Try as he might, he couldn't think of a single instance that could cause him such an emotion. Emotionality wasn't his strongest point to begin with anyway. Fear usually only took hold of him in relation to Tsukasa discovering this horrible feeling of his towards the boy, or of something horrible happening to him... but...usually...nothing else would affect him this way...'did something happen to **him**?' He frowned, shaking his head irritably. 'You've never felt this sort of thing before, It's more of an aryashiki trait, clairvoyance...It'd be higly unlikely that you're guessing correctly what could have caused this...' He frowned behind his calm mask. 'Except, once...that time when you found Tsukasa on the street...you DID feel something like this, though less...strong...' His head reminded him. 'You could feel something calling to you for help...' His eyes widened momentarily, then quickly reverted back to normal, as he consciously maintained his control over his expression...though the street seemed deserted.

This was the fateful train of thought that had led him to realize that his feelings for Tsukasa weren't strictly platonic--and that alone was enough to make him uneasy, but now... 'Tsukasa? In trouble? NOW? And likely **worse** than the time when he was lying there on the street...two years ago' if his feelings were correct... He stopped in his tracks, frowning uneasily. The other time, he had gained only a horrendous headache, not this cold seeping through his chest. That would suggest unrelated incedents. And would aslo imply that this was a different reaction of his body to some unrelated, undescribable force.He frowned, removing his glasses for a moment, and allowing the heels of his hands to rub into his eye with a dull ache and an explosion of white sparks in his vision behind closed eyelids. He opened his eyes on a dully, fuzz-edged world. "I-I need to think this through." He murmured to himself. He massaged his temples where he was starting to get a horrible headache.

A headache...

Oh dear...

The coldness however, remained in his chest...gnawing away like something was boring a hole in him...a hole to his heart. ...His chest...the exact spot where Tsukasa had healed him of an eraser blow...was the spot now sensitive to Tsukasa's energy? He frowned. Thinking deeply on this curious concept, pulling back on his glasses and allowing the street to regain it's crystal sharp edges and colors.

Even normal humans occasionally could feel a storm coming through their scars or broken bones. They could sense things through scars that defied all explanation allowed to those without any shred of power. Considering that, what would a wiz-dom with power feel through an eraser healed wound? What stragne sense could this have given him?

Perhaps it wasn't such an odd idea or occurence after all.

Perhaps he **could** feel Tsukasa...and in that case, He was in grave danger.

Tomonori shook his head visciously, trying to calm himself. It was highly improbable that this was suddenly happening to him with no warning all because of a healed wound...but...

a delayed slow, stealthy fear snuck it's way in with the cold spot in his chest, and soon began to overtake even _his_ reasoning as horrible things began to surface in his mind. His overprotective paranoia for the boy who had become his achilles heel was sending horrifying thoughts racing through his head. Images of Tsukasa lying in their home, broken and bleeding, crying out in pain, weeping...alone...

That loneliness was what was worrying him the most. He had felt unbearably alone before, and he knew better than anyone else what Tsukasa feared the most. Dying alone, meaninglessly, forgotten. He had told him so. Just mentioned it one day, brought on by a memory no doubt. Tomonori never asked him questions when he got into such a mood, but took the comments in stride. He had said in that soft, sad tone, that he was afraid above all things of dying slowly...helplessly. Of nobody coming to his side and comforting him through his death. It had moved him then, and frightened him now. The poor boy, he worried about being alone. Probably through memory of that horrible time lying on the street, bleeding. If he had stayed there all night, he likely **would** have died...Tomonori had given him what he hoped was a comforting response. "_I will always be there for you Tsukasa, I promise. I won't let you die alone...we promised to fight as a team. If nessecary, we will die as such._" That had seemed to comfort the boy, though now, Tomonori had to wonder exactly what way he had taken it. He had smiled and said "_Don't say we'll die. I won't let you die Tomonori-san._" Tomonori hadn't had any response to that. It was moving, but also strangely disturbing to him that Tsukasa would spend such time thinking about how he would die. That couldn't be healthy. He didn't want Tsukasa to think of death. ...what could he have done? He couldn't be **that** upset could he? No...no...Tsukasa wouldn't kill himself over something like this... What could have happened to him?

'I left him at home...alone...Anything could have happened to him!' Tomonori answered himself irritably, his thoughts becoming more worried by the second, 'That other eraser who attacked him already knows he's there...he healed him once of course, but still...' Tomonori tried to force himself to be rational, but those pleading weeping eyes, crying out in pain, only to have none answer, for nobody to come...'That eraser could be ordered to eliminate his friend by a mindbreaker and he would **have** to do it, no matter how fond he was of him. He could have easily come back...Tsukasa wouldn't strike back, he never would harm his friend...if that's what happned...'

The image of those teary mirrored eyes came back to him. The coldness gnawed deeper. Empty. Empty as his words had been to the boy...what must he have thought? "oh! What have I done?" He cried softly to himself, turning back towards the house.

He quickened his pace, fear suddenly overwhelming his greiving, racing back to Tsukasa. 'what if I'm too late? what if something horrible has happened to him? What if he's dead?' He nearly tripped over the hem of his robe and was possessed of a very uncharacteristic urge to swear. He slowed to prevent himself from accidental harm, then growled to himself. Here he was worrying about his appearence when Tsukasa could be dead, or dying. What was the matter with him? He cared more than this, he knew it. He HAD to care more for him than for some old peice of sewn fabric. "Oh, damn it all." he muttered visciously, thinking mostly towards himself, before he could stop the words from leaving his mouth, picking up speed again. Uncaring of how undignified it was, uncaring when he nearly tore the hem of his robe. Uncaring as he cut through a hedge of neat thorned roses and earned himself several long scratches on his skin, and even more numerous snags on that poor abused fabric of his clothing. He must have looked like the deomns of Hell were chasing him--which given his powers, wouldn't have been an overly odd event to happen anyway... He sprinted to the door, jammed the key inside, quickly jerking it open. "Tsukasa!" he hollered inside, feeling desparation hammering in his chest. An image of Tsukasa's broken body, blood pooled into the floor around him, the feathers of his eraser form, hanging at awkward angles, like the wings of a bird hit by a car, bones shattered, neck twisted horribly backwards... Tomonori forced away the image, feeling his heart give a sickening jolt at the increasingly more graphic, more violent, more horrible images filled his mind.

The boy's aura was flickering weakly upstairs, nothing else was present in the room...but that flicker...he didn't like it. He REALLY didn't like it. The cold spot in his chest chilled him deeper, biting, like a block of ice was being wedged slowly between his ribs, forcing them apart. He raced to that point of flickering essence, heart jackhammering in his chest. He bounded up the stairs, stumbling, grabbing the banister for support to prevent himself from falling. He growled suddenly, irritatedly. Why did all these small things conspire to keep him from reaching Tsukasa? time was running out. Curse those stairs! Curse his robe for making him so clumsy if he so much as tried to take a wide step! Curse it all! His foot reached the final stair. His eyes flicked over the hallway in several alarmed seconds...a slight glimpse of fabric was outstretched like a beacon from the doorway of the bathroom. Tomonori's heart quickened as horrible visions of what might greet him flashed through his all too imaginative mind.

He rushed over. He found the boy, lying prone on the floor between the hallway and the bathroom, curled in a rigid fetal position. His heart lept into his mouth, horrified. "Tsukasa!" He didn't think as he jerkily knelt next to him, scooping him up, cradling him like an infant. Searching with horror for some sign of a fatal wound. He held the boy's limp form in his arms. Tsukasa's desperate hold on himself, curled into a ball, suddenly went limp at his gentle touch, the boy's slender limbs suddenly hanging freely. Icy droplets of moisture collected on Tomonori's forehead in an uncharacteristic show of fear. "Tsukasa!" He shook him by the shoulders, wiating for him to awaken. Nothing. The young eraser's head lolled weakly. The preist wasted no more time calling for him to wake up. He knew words were no substitute for medical attention. Tomonori lifted him up, gently cradling him and made towards the boy's room quickly. He paused as he was greeted with a foreign sight. The matress was half-made, the second sheet half pulled up, as though something had stopped the person from making it completely. Pillows tumbled on the floor, one with a new case, one bare. Strewn haphazardly as though dropped.

Tomonori felt somehow hesitant at entering Tsukasa's room, especially in this state. Something felt odd about it now. Alien even. It was too clean, despite it's strange time-stop look. As though Tsukasa had stopped making the bed for some undescicive reason. Tomonori wasn't quite sure what to do. Had he ever really given the boy's room some thought? There were no posters on the walls, the calender had no marked dates, not even for school. The bookshelf held textbooks and a bible-the staple of every room in that house of Tomonori's-but nothing else. No show of humanity. No sign of personality. As blank a slate as the wall that Tomonori pulled over his inner emotions and thoughts. He treated the room as though he was a guest, rather than a permanant member of a family consisting of only him and Tomonori.

The only thing that showed the room as even having been inhabited by anyone, the only sign of the prescence of a human-no, not an eraser soul, but a human's-was a picture framed on his desk. Tomonori filled with memory just at the look he spared it. He looked again, more deeply, more closely.

One day perhaps two monthes back Kirihara had taken them all to the beach, as a group. Even Shiba, now involved with his family's chinese conglomerate, had made special arrangements so he could come and see them all--though especially Kirihara. Tomonori had taken the picture, he had pushed the button, directed the flash, caught the moment himself. He remembered it well. The others grinned as though having the time of their lives, decked out in beachwear. Shiba had his eyes closed in a blink and his arms folded over his chest, grimacing as Itsuki slung an arm around his neck in a would-be-friendly gesture, dragging him into the picture in a headlock. The cheerful psychic's other hand was giving Kusakabe bunny ears. Kusakabe's expression was solemn as ever despite the faint blush on his face as Kirihara flung her arm around his waist, beaming in obvious joy. Itsuki's twin sister Haruna was in turn headlocking her brother and giving him bunny ears in vengence...or perhaps it was a noogie, it was hard to tell, and Tomonori hadn't attempted to memorize the details.

His gaze lingered over the picture, the cold spot in his chest receding...seemingly-even from a picture-their master's soothing prescence could be felt. It was like someone had removed the slivers of ice and was gently coaxing warmth back into his body. But there was a small figure on the fringes of the group that he felt more closely towards. The figure he had remembered the most, the one he wished would make the cold spot recede from his heart, more than his mindbreaker could. Tsukasa lingered shyly, almost in the background, peeking from behind Kirihara as though afraid to be seen in the picture. She was urging him in with her other hand, making him part of their group. His eyes were rivited to the camera, a shy smile on his face, but by the pink on his cheeks and the sparkle in his eyes one could tell that he was having the time of his life. ...how frail and childish he looked in that oversized T-shirt to hide the scars on his back... he had, nonetheless, loved that day deeply, with childlike wonder and innocence. He had loved the sea. Watching the birds with wistful eyes, seagulls soaring overhead. He had so loved that one single trip to a world seemingly outside the borders of war...outside the borders and boundries drawn by their war as parts, peices, and pawns of the struggles in the aquarian age. He had adored it, so much so, that Tomonori himself, though typically rather indifferent to the antics of the others, had been roused up for a friendly volleyball game. Like a normal human. ...until Shiba and Itsuki began bickering about some trivial matter and Shiba popped the ball by squeezing it too hard in aggravation...

Tomonori had never pondered it before, but in that picture, Tsukasa's manner was so attentive it was as though he was ignoring the rest of the lively antics around him...as though absorbed in the camera. And the emotion in those eyes...amidst the joy...

Tomonori blinked, then suddenly wished he had never even seen the picture, never even started down the fateful train of thought. It was suddenly so obvious. It was suddenly so clear. It was suddenly evident just how LONG Tsukasa must have felt this way that Tomonori felt suddenly and horribly blind, insensitive, and callous. "Oh..." he murmured. He gently set Tsukasa down on his half made bed staring down at the boy...the one who _loved_ him. He was even more unsure of what to do now. He suddenly remembered the dire circumstances that had driven him to enter this room in the first place... He brushed away his blond bangs so he could check his temperature. Cold, cold as ice. Tomonori had a sudden and desperate urge to throw his arms around the unconscious form in a pathetic, emotional attempt to warm him, but refrained once again. He couldn't and he knew it. What if Tsukasa were to awake with him doing something of the sort? When he was told the lie--that it was only because he was so cold, it would break his heart again, and Tomonori couldn't STAND to let himself do that. He suddenly stared at his hands, shaking madly, shock flooding into his system, followed by awful dread. "no...I've done it." He whispered.

He could no longer deny it. 'I...love him too...' He stared at that frail little form lying there. Did Tsukasa LOVE him? Yes. Yes he did. He couldn't doubt it with the expression those eyes had illuminated. Beyond that, he adored him. That sweet creature cared so much for him, a human, that it was enough to make his cheeks warm. He was undone. That little innocent bumbling angel who couldn't even kiss someone without nearly accidentally breaking their teeth, had undone him. He felt. He cared. Something inside of him softened at the very sight of that delicate face, with its small features and large eyes. And his heart had done so, adoringly, for what he knew was a long time--A long time of justifications and excuses and absurd arguments proving it as impossible, insane, even stupid, but now, despite it all, he was doomed. Was this really love? Yes, this could only be love. It had never touched him before, but somehow, he knew it. Nobody was as close. Nobody could compare to Tsukasa. He drifted out, eyes glazing as he distractedly stroked Tsukasa's hair.

This odd affection...it was love. Even the scatterings of Tsukasa's entry into his dreams couldn't break him out of his sheild of stubborn denial and tell him what he felt...

Ah...those dreams...only one actually. The same one over and over, though each time, he felt he was dreaming it anew...

So vivid...

A shyly smiling winged angel, clothed in a delicate shade of cream. Those beloved mirrored eyes glittering with excitement at him as his gentle voice floated to his ears, _"Tomonori-san...won't you come with me?" _It always started with that question, nothing less, nothing more. Always started with that adorable innocent face looking up at him. Tomonori could always see himself there. As though simultaneously looking at himself outside his body, and looking through his own eyes down at Tsukasa. Double visioned duality. His awkward human form standing there, out of place in that world of soft golds and creams. Harshly black, harshly pale. He didn't belong here. He was confused, terribly confused. Confused and naked. Too pale. Too dark. Too starkly contrasting and sharp in such a soft and pleasant golden place. The place was blurred, and fuzzed over in his vision as the world was without his glasses. Tsukasa's form was softly defined, faintly blurred-ever so faintly out of focus. Whereas his own body's definitions were sharp and clear. Impossibly sharp compared to his surroundings, almost etched on the retina. Drawing all the more attention to the thing that didn't belong Tsukasa never looked at him all the more strangely for it, or for his obvious nakedness-infinitely embarrassing. But he wanted to hide himself somehow. Unworthy. Unbelonging. Ashamed even. Wishing for the smallest peice of cloth to cover himself. Wishing for a simple place to hide. He was out of sync with the enviroment there, out of sync with that world, with that place, with everything that Tsukasa seemed to fit into so well. That beautiful angel melted into the surroundings as beautifully as though it were an extension of himself. Tomonori's thoughts were always jumbled, confused, questioning, reluctant _"come with you where Tsukasa? W-where are we?"_ He always asked. Tsukasa never answered him. Just holding out one of those small delicate hands, and tenderly taking his. "_Won't you come?" _he would ask again, looking into his eyes. Worry was beginning to seep into those perfect mirrored irises. "_please? Won't you come with me?_" Each and every time, Tomonori would back away. What if he noticed his nakedness? What if he laughed at him? What if he was afraid of him? He couldn't go with him. _"I...I can't...where are you going to take me? W-why do I need to go? Is something wrong? What happened?"_ Those large eyes suddenly filled with tears, always ready to weep. _"But...Y-You don't want to come with me?...why couldn't you just go! Why do you want to be alone?...oh...I should go then...I shouldn't have..." _And always he watched his angel drift away weeping quietly, while he was paralyzed, unable to call for him to return--so like what had happened that evening between them in reality...perhaps he DID have a clairvoyant streak... The celestial scenery became black, demons leering at him, mocking him, riotously laughing and jeering at his nakedness. And always that shame came to him...that horrible gut wrenching shame as he was pulled forever away from Tsukasa, and try however he might, he couldn't get him to come back.

A horrible dream.

Even more horrible because it was always his fault that it was that way...but why was he so afraid? What did Tsukasa want him to do anyway? It always confused him, because the dream was all questions and no answers, the dream seemed to have no point, yet be a foundation. A foundation to what though? Even he didn't know.

He shivered. Placing a hand to his sleeve to test that he was clothed, hidden. His memories were always vivid to the borderline of reality... too vivid. The first mark of true madness was the blurring of reality and the dream world. He was already too close for comfort in his opinion.

But it was all true then. He felt something for the boy, and not just any something, he was exquisitely precious to him. He was special to him. He had a fondness for some others but Tsukasa...Tsukasa was Tsukasa. There was no other way for him to explain why Tsukasa would draw him like this.

But worse yet, he knew there was a chance that Tsukasa would accept him anyway, even rejoice at his love being returned...expect a relationship...after all the proof in those eyes, the blind trust, he knew. So Tomonori couldn't frighten himself into wishing for it to pass from fear of rejection because, the rejection wouldn't come if what he saw was true. He knew he would be unable to resist-if he was accepted, he would never be able to refuse Tsukasa anything. Not a hug, not a kiss, not even his body or his very soul would be held back if Tsukasa so much as implied that he wanted it. He would give himself utterly to Tsukasa, and that was exactly what he couldn't do. Once he did that, he was doomed to Hellfire. His soul was in danger because of his wavering heart! Tomonori clasped his hands to his head, wishing nothing more than to bang it into a wall, much like he had caught Shiba doing on occasion.

He was going mad. He was here with an unconscious body, a chill growing in his heart again, and a head he longed dearly to rip from his shoulders.

Yes, he had truly lost it this time.

'what am I going to do now?' he asked. And he had no answer. For the first time he could remember. He had absolutely no idea of what he was going to do. And in that instant, the wall of impassive control broke into a mess of worry, confusion, and fear, and he couldn't consciously bring it back up again, for the first time ever. He had lost control of his unemotional wall.

For the first time in his rememberence, Tomonori Nakaura's expression was a glass image of what was going on in his head. And the expression was one of sheer and utter fear.

A nakedness far worse than that of his dreams.

A nakedness that would only seal his doom.

Tomonori's hands trembled. He had failed. He had failed. They both had feelings...feelings that could never see the light of day. They had both had feelings for the other for who knew how long! Tomonori **knew** he couldn't outright **lie** and deny it if asked by Tsukasa head on...he hadn't said anything before, justfying it--It had been easy enough when there had been some chance that he was neutral, that chance had allowed him to pass it off as being for their own good and because he didn't want to tell Tsukasa unless he was absolutely sure of what he felt, but now...he knew what he felt. He was sick, he was twisted, he was something that brought down a wave of horrid self-loathing in his own mind. But he loved the boy more than he loved anything. Tomonori trembled again. Wrapping Tsukasa's unconscious form in blankets, a sudden thought interrupting his misery. What had happened to Tsukasa? What could make him fall to the ground in anguish?

Tomonori mentally hit himself for not thinking about it sooner. He tossed his woe aside. He was cold...He blinked, his heart dropping into his stomach, he jerked and instantly checked for a pulse. It was there. He relaxed. His brow furrowed, his inner voice becoming caustic 'Right, paranoid. so he's alive. now...all you need to do is find some way to wake him up." He grimaced. "easier said than done." he muttered. He didn't like the idea of leaving Tsukasa's side for a second-what if he did so and came back to find the boy DEAD? He shuddered at the thought. How empty his life would be without the sweet angel...over two years he had become incredibly attached to him-an incredible understatement, he was in love with him. On that street, On that rainy day he had turned his large teary eyes to him, blood streaked over his delicate skin and whispered "please...help me..." in response to his own questions about whether or not he was okay. The child had collapsed into his arms, shivering, tears runnign down his face, and had been inseperable from him ever since. They had shared a deep bond with each other since the incident ages ago. When Tsukasa has first opened his eyes to an anxious young man staring concernedly at him and asked "Who are you?" in a teary grateful way. And Tomonori had given his name along with "I'm here to help you." Then that small boy had stared at his hands as asked "And who am I?" When he had been unable to tell him, tears had slipped down his face. "D-don't cry!" He had said in alarm. Those hurt, fearful, teary hazel eyes had looked into his with such dreadful loss. His own heart had sunk down into his stomach. He couldn't bear to see this long haired, slender boy cry, he looked too much like a girl, and Tomonroi had hated to see girls cry for some reason he himself couldn't fathom...perhaps it was because of his sister... He mentally shook himself. She was dead. First blinded by the attack, by that horrible choking ash, by those embers-oh how her sightless eyes had wept when she heard that their parents were dead. Corpses nothing more than ash in the air...perhaps even the glowing ashes that had blinded her. Then infection had set in as a week of neglect crept upon the two of them scavenging together for food, for shelter, for peace in the midst of their ruined lives.

...She had died in his arms, leaving him those words he could never forget... _you go on...and...live...Tomonori-chan...you'll get out of this...I know you'll be strong...be strong...for both of us...pl-_ Her breathing had ceased just as she tried to say the word 'please'. The next day, the WIZ-DOM had searched the charred remains of the village for survivors, and found a small boy, weeping, holding the corpse of an older girl. Her cloudy, shriveling eyes staring straight at them, bloodless mouth slack... "D-don't cry...I'll take care of you...I'm not going to put you back out there again." He had said, unable to watch those tears fall unchecked. The shivering boy had given a grateful sob, and quivered out a "Thank you..." Those eyes had seemed so blank for a while, because they had no past, only a terrible greif, but soon his personality had filled them. He had become happier, so innocent that his every tenative push towards something had made Tomonori smile and try to help him. That innocence and naivety filling the older man with more peace, more gentleness than he had felt towards anyone in years. And finally, he felt himself beginning to move on from the deaths that so haunted him. He had moved on so far that his graphic visual memory, had forgotten the faces and moments that had changed him to his aloof and distant position. Tsukasa-as Tomonori had named him-had a childlike wonder for all things. A sweet face, and an even sweeter laugh. He brought him a sense of purpose that he hadn't felt since the day his sister had died. Tsukasa had helped him to live in the present. The pastless boy had eased his own past burdens, he was soon his dearest companion and friend. He loved to teach him, and Tsukasa was eager to learn...but soon afterwards, he became disillusioned. Soon learning new things no longer filled that bright eyed child with the same light. He began to wonder about his past. And whenever he did so, his inability to remember made him incredibly sad. It was all Tomonori could do to try to help him...and he still tried his best...

but that was so long ago... back in a time before he had built this wall for his emotions...

He frowned suddenly. On second thought, how long had it been there? That blank wall. He frowned more deeply, feeling mildly disturbed at the revelation, worried eyes staring down at the fallen angel. 'I built this wall to protect Tsukasa...or so I thought...but in fact...it has distanced us...how can he like me so much when I've grown so distant!' He closed his eyes in a slient grimace. What did he himself want? He couldn't seem to guess Tsukasa's motives anyway. On the one hand he could hope to form a relationship with Tsukasa, and ignore the consequences on his preisthood, on his status in the wiz-dom, and on his soul in order to make himself, and Tsukasa happy. Or, he could thicken the wall and drive a deeper rift between them, and force Tsukasa to act as his son, and he himself, be content as his surrogate father, saving his soul, but condemming Tsukasa to misery, and himself to emotional anguish, anguish that would grow ever worse upon the lovely eraser's eventual union with another. He was too beautiful, too kind, to wonderful to be lonely for long, there was bound to be a line of women lining up to be his. Tomonori bared his teeth in a silent growl. There was no easy choice. Furthermore it was difficult because of how either choice of his would change Tsukasa's life as well. The boy shivered, a small whimper escaping his lips. Before Tomonori could tell himself not to, he sat next to the prone form, and took him into his arms, cradling him gently. His eyes softened at the sight of the boy he was so attached to, looking with such an expression of pain, He was suddenly drawn back to their last battle as a rather motley team when he had last held him this way...Remembering how that boy had defended him..or at least how he had tried, then Tsukasa had killed another eraser..and...

Tomonori blinked, remembering something suddenly.

Tsukasa had passed out just like this, except...Tomonori suddenly unwound the blankets from around Tsukasa, staring for evidence. He cringed. Blood. Blood stained his shoulders. Just like the other time. Tomonori raised his hands to his head, squeezed it at the temples, and visciously screamed at himself internally for bringing on such a strong reaction from Tsukasa. For hurting him like this. "I knew he was fragile, but...oh, WHY didn't I see this before? WHY didn't I just tell you?" He whispered the last part mournfully, hesitantly stroking one of Tsukasa's cheeks, then snatching his hand away worriedly at his own boldness. He thought for a moment, 'if it is merely what it seems than he will not die if I just go and get something to stop the bleeding...' he hurried to the bathroom nonetheless, snatching a roll of gauze, then hurrying back to Tsukasa's room once again. The blood had stained a trickle, moving down his sides. Tomonori suddenly swallowed as a thought occured to him. In order to bandage Tsukasa properly, he would need to take off his shirt.

Logically, it wouldn't be the first time he had seen Tsukasa topless, he had seen him practicing swimming, and had even found him naked on the street two years before, but with his newly acknowledged feelings...it felt far too much as though he were undressing Tsukasa for some more...pleasurable reason...a far dirtier one as well... He struggled with his body's urge to blush-at his own thoughts too! Of all the humiliation! Setting his jaw, he peeled back the shirt from the congealing wounds. Tsukasa made a slight whimper, tensing as some of the newly formed scabs reopened. "shhhhhh." Tomonori whispered soothingly. His eyes darted around. There was a glass of water on the bedside table luckily enough. He grabbed it, wettening a wad of gauze and using it to wipe away the blood. He didn't want to risk leaving again and returning to find Tsukasa frightened and awake on his return. He somehow could sense that he was needed there beside him. Tsukasa would want him there...

Tomonori frowned, peeling off his gloves-they were a pain to get clean, especially of bloodstains...which he knew from experience, disturbingly enough. He dabbed at Tsukasa's bare back. He was surprised. This close, he was amazed by how fragilely he could see that the boy was built, by how slender he was, how frail...how in need of protecting he seemed--who would suspect that his poor creature had harmed himself in penance for being a murderer?...Before Tomonori's wits returned to him, and he reminded himself harshly that he absolutely had to bandage the boy's shoulders, rebuking himself strictly for even having such thoughts. Tomonori wrapped his upper back and shoulders with gauze, shivering when his fingers touched that delicate skin. He finished, tucking in the edges of the gauze, and cradling Tsukasa mostly upright so he could eye his work, he gradually found himself turning him over to face him, soothing that tormented face in it's sleep. Tsukasa's face suddenly seemed to be different. As though he was seeing it for the first time. Golden lashes over such large beautiful eyes, his small nose, those childish cheeks that blushed at the slightest prevocation...'dear Lord...he's...beautiful...' Tomonori caught, and slapped himself internally 'NO! I can't!' He found himself focusing on his lips, and he cringed inwardly again...His lips were dark, bruised slightly, small and trembling in the nightmares that almost certainly plagued what was now a mere sleep. Tomonori's chest gave a pang of guilt, feeling suddenly responsible for those darkened, and probably painful lips. He felt his hand propping Tsuksa's neck upwards. His blond hair felt like cool silk strands running along his newly exposed hands...had he ever felt that beautiful hair without gloves?...yes actually, His mind replied far more rationally to his jumpy and nervous feelings. That once...one time when Tsukasa had had a nightmare and had asked...Tomonori swallowed. And had asked to sleep in his room, next to him, and he had never thought of it at the time...he had never noticed the smoothness of his hair as Tomonori had gently ruffled it...Oh! How long had this dwelled in both of them? Tsukasa's brow was creased as though his dreams were pained. Tomonori couldn't help but stare. Stare at that beautiful creature...that lovely malt colored hair, those crescents of gold lashes...those lips...why couldn't he look away from them? They had never looked so tempting as when they were bruised like that...as when they trembled in whatever chilling nightmare pained that poor angel's soul. Was this what Tsukasa had felt, staring at him? Had he felt this desire creep up over him, as Tomonori did? A longing to simply be close to him, to touch his skin... He stared, cradling the bandaged, half naked creature in his arms, feeling his heating face grow closer, unable to resist this hypnotic sensation. Something in his head was tingling, an energy of sorts. It came off of Tsukasa in waves...his aura! Tomonori had never felt it before, never so strongly, now it washed over him like a tropical ocean breaker making him feel dizzy, not quite dreamlike, more like the effects of a laconic drug...dragging him into something incoherent and instinctive, where his thoughts were only of the lovely face before him. He was close...he was getting much TOO close. He had to stop this! But oh...he wasn't sure if he wanted to.

/\/\/\

(End of part three)

/\/\/\

Crap demons. This one's long. (frowns) Ah, no matter, It probably only works better that way.

I may have a minor chapter coming up this week sometime early, or I may in fact update with a 'double whammy' (double chapters) becuase I'm a rather confused individual, and I'm going to have to come to a verdict on what I'm doing next. (gulps)

Okay, the deal is, I have about six chapters pre-written. (I think I may have mentioned that earlier) this one was tricky. I hope it doesn't show, but it was. It was two consecutive Tomonori POVs in my original because Tsukasa's out cold. I had to find a way to make that all fit into one...and I didn't quite make it. I left out a bit more stuff for that chapter and added loads to the original...such as my own little past story for Tomonori--that was a last minute addition, I added that at about ten PM on wednesday night, which left me just enough time to proofread it for errors. (sigh) The problem is, I'm at a crossroads. Or as one of my friends would say, my knickers are in a bit of a twist.

Now, I have an idea buzzing around in my head, which would result in a 'compromise chapter' (part Tomonori, part Tsukasa) or I could do a breif Tomonori shot then come at it again with a full blown Tsukasa POV. As of now, I'm still deciding. (sigh) I want it to turn out well. But I said that every other chapter would switch off, and I'm usually quite rigid about going against my word, unless circumstance absolutely prevents me...also, I'm flipping my lid slightly--because like everyone else, I am in school: I have a religions class which is becoming rather demanding, because I'm doing a project to boost my grade. Also, I have double english, because I flunked last year. So I have Othello to annotate, and to kill a mockingbird to discuss at the same time, which is driving me mad (not to mention the fact that I'm reading out loud as Iago...he's not exactly a nice guy...I hope my teacher's not implying anything...just because I'm the only one who pronounces the shakespearean speech properly...(grumbles)). My head is officially about to explode in a mess of frizzy blond, gore, and crap (from all the dirty stuff that's polluted me). (sigh) But I'm TRYING not to go back on my word. I CAN update weekly, so I WILL. But my order's going to require some personal attention, which makes me worry about whether the quality will suffer, which will just plain, make me angry with myself when I notice. So the point is... updates this week might be a little awkwardly spaced, however I will guarantee one update this friday if nothing else is definate. Pardon any typos you find in this chapter and the next one to two. I am officially becoming stressed out by my own stupidity. (eye roll) Each time I go to try to find a stopping point, I end up randomly typing and changing things until i can barely remember my own original plot. Nonetheless, My story (hopefully) will only reap benefits of this 'itchy fingers' style of writing. I could have as many as three chapters on my hands from this little screwup if I'm not careful, so cross your fingers and please wish me luck (not to mention sanity, and a good supply of green tea)

cheers.


	4. 4 Awaken: Tomonori

(frowns) you know, this was only about a page and a half (in 10 pt arial of course) when I began tweaking it? It's really had a lot added to it. Originally it was my 'extra' because it was so um...well...alright, compared to the last one, it was really short. But now, I could have probably gotten away with putting it in as a full chapter easily.

URGENT MESSAGE TO THOSE READING THIS FIC:

Your beloved servant neurofeces has just gone and done something incredibly stupid...aside from forgetting to put up the picture links (grr) that's fixed, check the end of that rant I call my bio.

Okay, turns out I got myself grounded off internet from here to eternity, hence why this update is on a Thursday instead of a Friday, and also why it's up and so long. I may not get another chance to update for a few weeks...heck, I may not be able to get an update in edgewise until the end of the summer if I push it. So naturally, you should make this chapter last. I will not abandon my work efforts on this, and when I am next able to get on at stable times, updates will again continue on a weekly basis...or perhaps even Bi-weekly if I get enough work done, and enough time away from my beloved internet. So I'm sending out the bad news to everyone for now. The instant I am able, I will update. I will not abandon this fic lightly...heck I've put more work into this than I do for most classes...(grins)

Again, don't get mad about the updates, I am already quite upset about being prevented from giving them, they'll be thrown in when I can get them out. Also, my temper isn't the best in the world, if someone cusses me out because I got grounded (which I have no control over...) I am likely going to be that much more irritated when I end the war against my father.

Thanks for the patience in dealing with my mindless prattling and useless twaddle. I hope the chapter makes up for my annoyingness.

Hmm. MistyStarlight? Is kissing, fluff? (nervous) Does that count? Huh...might be a matter of opinion...if so, then there's fluff for you. (halfhearted W00T)

**warnings: Definate obvious shounan-ai this chapter--TWO GUYS SMOOCHING IT UP!(fangirls cheer in the background and wave 'TXT' banners thoguhtfully provided by Neurofeces.)...don't ignore the warning then whine at me, I'll send creepy darklore imps to stalk you incessantly...or worse yet, I'll do it myself and hex your family line or something...using turnips... Oh, this is a second Tomonori-POV in a row...despite the normal switch off in every other instance, this is a double whammy. **

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* * *

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_Was this what Tsukasa had felt, staring at him? Had he felt this desire creep up over him, as Tomonori did? A longing to simply be close to him, to touch his skin... He stared, cradling the bandaged, half naked creature in his arms, feeling his heating face grow closer, unable to resist this hypnotic sensation. He was close...he was getting much TOO close. He had to stop this! But oh...he wasn't sure if he wanted to..._

* * *

Trancelike, he bent down. A soft exhale from Tsukasa trickled over his lips, an inch apart from his own. He shuddered, feeling a warm shiver run up and down his spine, through his stomach, and over his skin, which tingled in anticipation. He was unable to back away, unable to resist, though he was trying with all of his might. Some magic hypnotism in those eyes even when they were concealed by their soft lids. He had never remembered wanting to do something more badly in his life, could never remember trying to keep himself from anything so much in his life, he felt as though his very soul was being ripped in two. He was scared, but... He wanted this so desperately, just this little contact, but NO! Again he pulled himself back, stopping himself. He couldn't do that to Tsukasa, he couldn't put them in that sort of situation, he couldn't! This was wrong! He had to stop! But here he was bending down again.

He couldn't stop...ever so gently leaning forward as his mind screamed at him in alarm, fear, shock, and dread, pleading with him not to do it while his emotions screamed just as loudly for their own gratification in the opposite direction

Kiss him you fool!

Don't! You can't!

But he did it anyway. He finally was pulled more in the direction of his emotions, ever so gently brushing his lips over Tsukasa's, heat spiderwebbing through his body out from the electric touch of his skin on even softer skin. Not a good kiss, not a bad kiss. Not anything in particular except the first he had ever dared to give to anyone, though if that meant anything, he was as unsure of as what Tsukasa's reaction to it would be if he had been conscious to receive it. A faint brush of trembling lips over smaller cold ones that sat stiffly and placidly. So placidly that it was as though he was kissing a mask, a mask with lips of painted rose silk, a frozen, perfect mask. He suddenly realized what he was doing, and fought the urge to scream. He jerked backwards, recoiling horror struck, berating himself, filled with such a poisonous acidic sense of self loathing and terror, that he longed for nothing more than a heart attack or a stroke to strike him dead on the spot so he would never have to ever feel this guilt, this horror, this awful disgust with himself, or ever live to throw himself at Tsukasa's feet and beg for some shred of forgiveness for what he had dared to do to him without permission, what he had dared to take from him...

Tsukasa gave a soft moan, his face relaxing, an even softer sigh escaping his small lips. Tomonori's thoughts all flew away from him with that instant. The only thought remaining being that a kiss, HIS kiss...that the reaction to it was not digust or tears--of which, the fact that this might have something to do with him being unconscious was being successfully ignored by the propaganda of his emotions--But nonetheless, his kiss had...he had...

He had brought Tsukasa...peace...

Peace. In a single act of affection, he had...

He had...

His mind snapped back at him visciously in that instant. NO! He couldn't do that! Not again! Perhaps once it had turned out to help Tsukasa, to soothe him somewhat... but it surely couldn't go any further! What if the next time, he... But despite all of his vehement protests, his frantic pleading with himself, Tomonori found himself bending forward again, ignoring them, smoothing those soft blond bangs...feeling so deliciously cool on his bare hands. He looked down on that angelic visage with a soft expression, his mask pulled down for an instant of clarity that nobody would see. Gazing at him with black eyes filled to bursting with emotion. He remained there, so close to him that he could see every perfect golden eyelash, every soft curve in his gentle face, could see him so perfectly. His bare fingers gently caressing a rose-petal cheek and tasting the gentle placing of his lips on Tsukasa's, unable to stop the longing to do something to show his change of heart and mind. His touch barely placing any pressure lest it hurt those small darkened lips. Though perhaps, perhaps the timidness was also because he was hesitant to do such things anyway...he would have never done this if Tsukasa were...no! of course not! He would have never...the only reason he was doing this was to help Tsukasa right? To make him feel better...though he might not feel it in his icy prison of unconsciousness...

Still, his rawly ravenous emotional side just so terribly needed this...probably far more than Tsukasa did, no matter what he told himself. It needed this imagining of how it would feel to have Tsukasa's arms around him, receiving the tenative kiss as though it were a precious gift, rather than a moment of weakness and desire from Tomonori. Rather than a demand for his submission or allegience.Tomonori never intended to demand, only to give! How he would feel if Tsukasa misunderstood... The man groaned internally, sending a mental slap to himself 'how dare you! taking advantage of him like that! You sick and twisted little cockroach! How dare you steal something like that from the defenseless! What's the matter with you?'...but his sensible (and rather acidic) conscience was soon reduced to unintelligable honking as the rest of him dreamed of Tsukasa hiding their faces together in his soft feathered wings, veiling them from the world together, holding him close, as though he mattered to him. As though he mattered to that beautiful complete little angel. As though he was wanted. A ghost of those desperate arms around his neck.

_I could never hate you Tsukasa._

He pulled away, gazing longingly at that unconscious form, embracing what would never hold him back.

No, those words that he had spoken were an understatement. Of course he could never hate Tsukasa, beyond that. What he should have added on the end...

_...I love you._

He knew it deep in his bones. He just as deeply knew that he could never tell Tsukasa this. He could never tell anyone this.

He pushed his lips against him again. Wishing for an instant that he would never have to stop.

If only he had the chance to say it! He longed to say it even if he knew he couldn't, perhaps the fact that he couldn't was what made him wish to do it all the more. But it really didn't matter in the end. In this instant his soul was longing so deeply for Tsukasa that there was nothing that he wouldn't say! If only he were awake in this moment...If only.

A strange emotion was welling in Tomonori's chest with each second of imagined glorious contact between him and his angel, vivid imagination melded with each second in reality that he spent in tenative tenderness with the very same angel.

Something was melting there deep in him, in his heart. What had been frozen before was melting--no, not even melting--was warm in him. Something was dripping almost scalding droplets into an uncertain hollow in the pit of his stomach. and with it, his thoughts all melded together in something consuming and overwhelming. He couldn't feel whether his protective outer face was on or not. But who would see either way? It was only him and an unconscious Tsukasa. They were alone. He was alone with his bubbling emotions.

He wanted to protect Tsukasa. He wanted to be with him. He wanted more than that, for Tsukasa to want to be with him...impossible as it was. He wished fervently that he could somehow become good enough to be right for Tsukasa...not likely with the sins he was so achingly commiting in the very instant he cast the wish into his mind. He longed for it all as he kissed him, his insides filling with those hot droplets. FIlling him completely until his very being was bathed in that sensation.

Soon after his realization of what he really wanted, his conscious rolled it's imagined, and envious eyes, giving up. Just as soon, it was trying just as hard as the rest of his body to enjoy one tiny taste of what he knew he could never allow himself to have. It was just as passionately wishing it didn't feel like stealing. He was wishing that it didn't feel so much like something horrible that he was doing, that he needed to do, that he wanted to do, that he was just as fervently dreaming he could feel in a scenario without the recipient being unconscious. That someday when Tsukasa was awake...but he could never...that would be wrong! These feelings were so...SICK. He couldn't be attracted to his own sex! He couldn't! The very thought made him want to retch... So why couldn't he stop? Why did he need this so badly? So weak. So WEAK! He couldn't do this, yet lacked the self control to stop himself! He had to pull away! But...he couldn't. He would have been sick over what he was doing, what he was feeling...except...it was Tsukasa, and somehow...it was different that way...

He didn't want to take from Tsukasa. He didn't want to steal a kiss, he wanted to give...what?

The warmth that had filled him was emanating from him now.

Give. He wanted to give. To give to that cold body...this warmth.

He had no idea what he was doing, no idea what this warmth was, if he was controlling it, even if her COULD control it, but he knew that Tsukasa needed warmth far more than he did. That this warmth was somehow exactly what he needed to give him. He gave an unward push, allowing it to spill from him, gushing out in an oddly pleasant yet scalding wave. He could feel it leaving his body into the smaller body he was embracing, through those frigid lips. bringing new life into the boy. Color returning to his golden skin. Tomonori still channeling into him, coaxing warmth into his form. The warmth filled both him and Tsukasa for a breif instant. A breif moment of duality where Tomonori was at once alive, and non-living. He was alive just as Tsukasa was...doing what? In a trance? a coma? At once he was himself and yet nothing, some strange outside force. He could feel himself guiding Tsukasa to awaken, no longer aware of his physical body, of his actions in the real world, only that he was guiding his spirit back to light and warmth, bringing him back to life in a matter of speaking.

He felt Tsukasa's skin grow warm against him.

Suddenly, as he was still kissing the unconscious eraser in his arms, Tsukasa shifted. Tomonori's heart stopped flat out for five seconds straight as he realized that Tsukasa was awakening, he froze as he realized what he was doing, what position they were in, horrified, furious with himself, ashamed, immediately removing his lips and jerking away from the attempted response from that half conscious little mouth, a small questioning little whimper emanating from it. Had he done that? Made Tsukasa awaken? How on earth had he...? His questions were banished to his subconscious by a flurry of sudden worry. He would try to figure it out later! Now was not the time for speculation! He found himself hoping desperately that Tsukasa would somehow not remember, not notice, not recognize what despicible thing he had been doing. He made to push away, to maintain a distance, not wanting to be found with his lips so close and his arms around him. He forced himself to stem the blush that was ready to stain his cheeks in an instant. Crimson with shame.

Suddenly, before he could flee, Tsukasa's arms tightened around his torso. It was impossible for him to escape now! Fear drummed fast in his heart. Had he been caught! Oh God, what would Tsukasa think now? He would think he was a dirty pervert...Tomonori swallowed hard. Forget what he would think, what would he DO?

Tsukasa pulled himself closer as he awoke, still hardly conscious. That sweet alien breath mingled with Tomonori's, arms snuggling himself closer, sitting practically in his lap. Tomonori felt suddenly **very** awkward and bothered by their closeness. not to mention their position. Tsukasa's eyelashes barely opened, those mirror-like eyes staring up at him so blankly, curiously, questioningly at the human who was trying to bend his body away from him. Tomonori distantly scrambled to hide his soul, feverishly anxious while he struggled to swallow. Was his face as brilliantly red as he thought it was? He couldn't tell. It probably was. If it was... Was he sucessfully hiding his guilty, embarrassed, and shameful feelings as he was sitting there with Tsukasa sprawled all over him like that, or was he as readable as an open book? Was he as visible as he was to himself in those beautiful mirrored eyes of Tsukasa's. OH! He couldn't look at those eyes now! They would hypnotize him for sure! Look away you idiot! Don't look! "T-Tomonori-san?" Tsukasa mumbled, sounding surprised in a tone edging more towards hopeful, voice thick with previously shed tears. Tomonori gave a cough, and looked away. He couldn't look Tsukasa in the eye, he just couldn't! Not counting their intimate position--embarrassing enough on it's own, not to mention with Tsukasa shirtless--What if he saw what he was trying to hide? So wrong. So EVIL of him... Tsukasa's eyes suddenly widened, he released him abruptly, distancing himself, scrambling to get off of a suddenly shy Tomonori. Tomonori's heart sank. He knew! He was backing away from him... His heart lept into his stomach and promptly began drowning. Tsukasa stuttered "T-Tomonori-san! Oh! I-I'm sorry!...for a moment I...oh never mind...you weren't really-N-no of course not, I-ah...sorry!" He mumbled to himself, eyes tearful again. Tomonori blinked, then discreetly and steadily looked away, dreadful realization filling him. 'He thinks HE did something...oh poor Tsukasa, if only you knew...but...I can't tell you...you'll hate me...' Tsukasa cocked his head "Tomonori-san? W-What's wrong? Did I...oh..." He asked tenatively at first, losing control of his words near the end, babbling in a whispering, nervous voice, murmuring something Tomonori couldn't hear. Tomonori felt heat creep up over his face uncontrollably. He steadily and interestedly stared at the wall. He couldn't let Tsukasa see this guilt, this shame, this vile thing that he had done...blasphemous even...a **human** kissing an **angel?** Of the same **GENDER**?

You're sick. You're a pervert! accused his conscience. Internally he hung his head, 'I know. I'm absolutely disgusting. He's much too good for me anyway...but...I just...I want to help him somehow! I've got to help him!' His conscience gave a non-commital growl.

Tsukasa blinked, "OH!" he looked down at the bandages covering the upper part of his chest and shoulders, just noticing them, his slender stomach was still quite delectibly bare. Tomonori forced himself to look everywhere **but** there, at that beautiful creature's slender human form. "Oh dear...this is what you were upset about...isn't it?" Was there amusement to Tsukasa's tone? Judging by how the boy was covering his mouth like that...he must be smiling, but about what? He thought that Tomonori was embarrassed about seeing him...oh. Well he was right, but still...It **was** better that he continue to beleive that right? Tsukasa gave a shy smile, drawing his right hand up to his chest in his instinctive innocent posture, his left still covering his mouth politely, apologetically as he quietly laughed at what he thought was an issue of embarrassment for no apprent reason other than hyper morality on the part of a preist.

He couldn't possibly know WHY Tomonori was embarrassed, or why seeing the half clothed body of the one he was falling in love with would make him feel like he had swallowed a bowl full of live caterpillers and they were writhing in his stomach.

Tomonori tried to look away... His shoulders were so narrow, his body so small and slender, and those large eyes...oh **God**, why did he have to look so appealing in such an innocent position? Tomonori fought the urge to groan. He was going mad, earth and heaven had reversed places and his feet were flailing in the air...he internally moaned in dispair 'this is sick...this is wrong...I'm not good enough...he would never...' his brain told him while his body whispered back 'he's so beautiful...he's so frail...he needs protection...he needs your help...' It was enough to make him lose his sanity as his Id bickered with his Superego. It was nearly enough to make him grab a fistful of hair in both hands and pull until he was bald while shouting wordlessly--therefore giving him several personality disorders at once and all the more reason to escape to a nice padded cell where he would never have to deal with this madness ever again. But, he would never allow himself such a large loss of control, especially not in Tsukasa's prescence. Especially not in front of those liquid murcury eyes. Those eyes that now gazed at him with gratitude, and...trust. Tsukasa looked away, abashedly, smiling shyly. Smokey green dusted, brown washed, jeweled, mirror eyes veiled by golden eyelashes, the faintest tinge of rose gracing the tender skin of his cheeks. He looked so...beautiful... OH! How could he be so sweet and innocent while Tomonori was ready to rupture a blood vessel? It was at once sweetly aggravating, and horrifically endearing. His gentle voice lilted out, soft as a flute, eyes looking up at him innocently, "It's alright Tomonori-san...we ARE both guys...it doesn't really matter I guess...I mean..." He blinked. swallowing nervously "It doesn't matter for you at least...I don't really mind if you...oh..." He whispered, looking away awkwardly. "It's just...different for you, Tomonori-san." He whispered, faintly pink, he suddenly seemed to hide himself, but he still raised his eyes to Tomonori's, questioning, faintly embarrassed and self conscious. Tomonori's face flushed breifly. Oh! Why couldn't he control that trecherous blood flow to his face? He was losing his control! But the way he said that... 'stop! I will not do this!' Tomonori had to use all of his control just to keep himself from giving a cry of aggravated frustration and striking something with his head. He fought to banish the humiliating blood flow from his cheeks. **HE**, Tomonori Nakaura, did **not** blush Dam-... Dang it! He blinked. What was wrong with him? Swearing? Why not just buy a broomstick and pointy hat and sell his soul to the devil while he was at it! This was absolutely insane!

Tsukasa picked up his bloodstained shirt and began to pull it back on, wincing at the stretch on the freshly healed wounds over his shoulders. Tomonori put out a hand to help. "Wait Tsukasa, you'll hurt yourself..." He placed his hands on him to help when Tsukasa suddenly closed his eyes, giving a soft moan, brows furrowing as Tomonori's fingers brushed his skin. Tomonori drew back as though he had been burned. Had he hurt him? Tsukasa seemed to regain control of himself seconds after this recoil. His eyes grew apologetic, almost mournful. Almost as though he was sorry for...sorry for what? He tenatively touched his skin where Tomonori had just put his hand, giving a soft murmur.

Oh.

OH!

Tsukasa bowed his head in shame. "I-I'm so sorry. I'm making you uncomfortable. I shouldn't have..." He gave a soft laugh, a sad laugh. "After all I've done it's no wonder you would jump away from me...It's alright...I can understand" Tomonori opened his mouth to say something, but Tsukasa sighed, cutting him off unintentionally "...I'm just so sorry...I never meant to make you feel so bad Tomonori-san...I just..." He made a noise of frustration "oh never mind..." he sighed, drawing the shirt over his shoulders, grimacing in pain. He suddenly shook his head, glittering eyes staring up at Tomonori with something rawly emotional. "I can't expect you to forgive me for what I've done..." He touched his fingers to the bandages, fingertips brushing the area over his heart. "So, why?...WHY are you being so kind to me?" There were unshed tears glimmering in his captivating eyes, but they were tears of gratitude, wonder. Wonder for him? For a simple act of kindness? Tomonori's chest ached suddenly 'Oh Tsukasa,isn't it obvious?...but I couldn't show you that I...if I told you THAT you would never want to see my face again...Of course...how stupid of me...well...Thank you for not seeing, dear angel.' Tomonori allowed a smile to his face, ruffling Tsukasa's hair. "Do you really think that I don't care for you Tsukasa?" He asked quietly. Tsukasa's face suddenly went red. He stared at him with wide mirror-silver eyes. His mouth was half open, he quickly closed it. Tomonori let his fingers ruffle his hair again. "I promised that whatever you did we would do together...Do you expect me to not keep my word?" Tsukasa opened and closed his mouth a few times as though wavering between saying something and not saying a word. Tomonori allowed his hand to rest on Tsukasa's silky crown. The blond locks felt eerily...RIGHT on his hands, sliding through his fingers. Tsukasa's sharp intake of breath, a ragged gasp only added to his own longings. He wanted to keep his hand forever in those blond locks, but he had long ago learned to put his actions on auto-pilot no matter what he was thinking. His hands did not linger on Tsukasa's head, no matter how much he wanted them to. "WIll you be alright?" He asked the boy quietly. His reflective eyes looked up, vaguely confused. Tomonori sheilded himself in iron will. He would look Tsukasa in the eye, and would not be afraid! He managed it, distancing himself, not allowing himself to fall into the void black pupils, instead admiring the iris...

He conveniently forgot that it was those reflective disks around the depthless pupils that had always so fascinated him, and were sure to do it again.

Tsukasa's eyes seemed unusually brown in that moment, the irises seemed deeper, further away somehow. As though someone had taken a smooth surface and allowed a droplet of water to fall, magnifying the pattern and colors beneath, deepening them, enriching the eyes that were neither light nor dark, but somehow both at once. Tsukasa's beauty again made Tomonori only hate what he saw as his own plainess, and focus on the other all the more. His plain black eyes never seemed deep, only black, and colorless...void...He had poor eyesight from them as well to add to their unlikability. They didn't seem anywhere near the lovely color schemes harmonized in Tsukasa's eyes. They were dull seeming to him. Black iris and pupil mingled, the white of the eye, Black lashes, and pale, plain, nearly bleached ivory skin around that, rimless glasses placing a protective layer of plastic between him and the rest of the world, sharpening the lines of the forms around him. He nonetheless for all the definition he could see through those lenses, was colorless. Washed out. Boring. He disliked the way he looked. He disliked his plainess near Tsukasa. Disliked that he could be so inadequate...he wished he could somehow be more pleasing to look at, so that Tsukasa wouldn't be uncomfortable...somehow stubbornly convincing himself, that if he looked at least a little bit less dull, that Tsukasa would be happier. But no matter how often he told himself that he was plain, that he was nothing special, the more he wanted to stay closer so that it would make Tsukasa seem all the more beautiful. He could sink into the background while Tsukasa was the star shining out among a room full of people. The eraser was all the more lovely because he was completely unaware of it, never trying to draw attention to it. He had a sweet, innocent charm to him that only added to how people perceived his loveliness. Tsukasa with never an unkind word to anyone. Tsukasa who stopped to help anyone in need even if there was nothing you could do about it...

Tsukasa who was able to make him lose control of himself, and reduce him to a lovesick fool.

The very fact that this lovely creature could do that to him made him hate himself more--he was plain, and weak, and all around untalented and unspectacular--but he could never even so much as think something horrible to Tsukasa. Oh how he hated his weakness. It couldn't be Tsukasa's fault so he had only himself to blame. 'so silly of me to even-'

"T-T-Tomonori-san?" Tsukasa sounded nervous, even slightly frightened. Tomonori realized that he had been staring at him intently, never taking his eyes from him. Boring holes into his eyes with his own. He had bared his teeth as he thought of his own inequalities, and thus, Tsukasa was left looking into the eyes of someone very angry seeming, with no apparent cause of guilt. Tomonori blinked, catching himself, face smoothing over into blankness, and mild confusion. "Hmm?"

Tsukasa bit his lip nervously, looking suddenly very vulnerable and small. "Did I...do something wrong?" Tomonori couldn't completely conceal his surprise. "What?" Tsukasa looked away ashamedly, murmuring sadly "Of course I did...I shouldn't have done that to you, earlier. I can't blame you for not taking how sorry I am just right off... It was wrong of me to-" Tomonori cut him off quickly. He couldn't let Tsukasa think that!

"Tsukasa! No...No...I'm not upset with you at all...I...well, it's flattering." He adjusted his glasses meaningfully. He forced himself to be disinterested, to play his role in this play, as much as he dispised it. "But really...I don't think you know what you're saying. Once you-"

"NO!" Tomonori blinked, wide eyed, jumping at the shout. Tsukasa grabbed him by the shoulders. His eyes were raw, emotional. Such overflowing emotion... Tsukasa half sobbed his response. Eyes filled with almost desperation. "You don't understand! Tomonori-san, Eraser's are not...Angels...I'm not something so lovely, no matter what you tell me...We-THEY just aren't...They...I..." He looked away, cheeks flaming red with humiliation. "Please Tomonori-san...understand...there are no GIRL erasers." He balled his hand into a fist and pulled it over his heart in emphasis. "What I FEEL won't just go away...I wish it would...You won't want to be around me...maybe for you there are other people, but for an eraser...like me..." Tomonori's heart plunged suddenly into his gut, nervously beating faster. What could he say to THAT? What could **anybody**say to that? Tsukasa looked up to him with a wretched expression. "That's what I'm so sorry about Tomonori-san...I wish you could be my father...but that's not what I feel..." He turned away his head in frustration, tears spilling over. "I wish I didn't...B-but I just can't make myself STOP...Please...forgive me..." A tear trickled down his face as he hugged himself, head cast away Tomonori's brain was busy tearing itself to peices. 'tell him! look at him, oh, poor thing, he's suffering because he thinks you don't-' it was interrupted by 'You can't give in! Maybe he's wrong, maybe it will go away. You can't do this. You CAN'T! It's not right! You can't let him-' and even that was interrupted by another voice rebuking him for starting this all in the first place by not letting Tsukasa see other people. His skull was about to shatter and explode. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable...I can think of a way to get rid of it...I'll talk to Kirihara-san, she could change me and make me normal, and we could-"

Tomonori, silenced him with a shake of his head. He tilted Tsukasa's chin upwards, looking at him. "Don't." He said in a tone of finality. Kirihara take away his feelings indeed! "I wouldn't let anyone change who you are, just for my comforts." Tsukasa trembled. Tomonori hugged him gently. What would anyone think if they learned that his adorable sweet angel Tsukasa was gay? Would they hate him because of that! Just because he... No, it didn't matter. Tsukasa would always take precedence over anyone else to him, that was all speculation. Life for Tsukasa wasn't like his past growing up in the church..."Your nature is nothing to be ashamed of." Tomonori looked down at that sweet creature, the creature who supposedly loved him, the beautiful one that he loved in return. And worse yet, both sides could be in perfect agreement but never say a word. "Yes it is!" Tsukasa insisted, pushing away. "I want to be like you! I've always wanted to be like you Tomonori-san...but I can't." Tomonori's eyes widened.

"Like me?" Tsukasa nodded, turning away his head. Tomonori nearly stopped breathing. "Why?" He asked quietly. Disbeleif etched into his tone. Tsukasas eyes turned up to his with equal astonishment. " What do you mean 'why' T-Tomonori-san?...why shouldn't I be more like you?"Tomonori paused for a few seconds in disbeleif. Was Tsukasa joking? He couldn't possibly be serious...could he? Tomonori frowned. "...Tsukasa, what sense does it make for a swan to want to become a crow?...Wanting to become like me will only drag you away from the good traits you already have." He ended with finality. He was done with this conversation. This made no sense. He needed a bit of time, not only to grade his work, but to unwind and unknot his brain. "Do you need anything?" Tsukasa looked at him, a faintly tender hurtful expression on his face. He shook his head slowly. "Alright...if you are going to be alright...I need to grade...you know where I will be if you need me, right?" Tsukasa gave an even fainter nod. Tomonori hesitated to leave for a moment, frowning, but he said nothing else, and swept out of the room. He squeezed his temples irritably. His mind was turning into one great muddy mass of soup. He inwardly moaned to himself.

Why did things with Tsukasa always have to get complicated?

()()()()()()End of part 4()()()()()()

reveiw responses for this chapter and last will be posted LATER (stresses out)


	5. 5 Blame: Tsukasa

A feces quote:

"Groundation bringeth the dawn of a new day's inspiration and perspiration."

And reading the shakespearean english of the tradgedy othello, hath brought about ye olde english accent for yea even the warnings. Tis' madness indeed.

Read on good countrymen...The angst demon hath spoken. (cough cough)

...Where doth thine eyes wander? Would the kind and most goodly noble readers of mine own humble drivel thus carry on their eyes to wander upon the most prettily printed words beneath?

T'would make me most grateful.

Perhaps I shall find one such way to fix this such mangled up matter of speech...Fie upon this tongue of mine! That it were more like thine own!

(mutters in renniscence style english)

**warnings: ye typical harmless shounan-ai smack of the lips betw'eenst two such youthly men, ye angsty flashback, ye psycological head crap, yonder self inflicted pain, and yea even diary-style writing in the most goodly noble italics. Yonder angst should'st be exceedingly fine, though't may be mingled with the most unsettling fluff. Beware thine eyes might see'st yonder frightening script near't the end.**

(translation: shounan-ai kissing-obviously between two guys, angsty flashback to what Tsukasa was doing when he was unconscious--basically a dream scenario...or is it?--, psycological crap about emotions, machoistic tendancies, and Tsukasa-kun writing rampant bemoanings in a diary (shown in italics)...lots of angst with what I think classifies as a touch of fluff. Loooooong note at the end, including reveiw responses. The whole ball of entrails.)

Ah to give forth one final note!

though seemingly out of character, thine humble servant meant no harm! Tis but a dream. And if thine own dreams are not out of character for nary an instant, then fie upon thee!

(translation: the 'dream scene' may seem out of character and confusing, but dreams ARE confusing by nature...if nobody here's had a dream they don't quite understand at least once in their life then they can tell me to kiss their ass, and I'll humbly apologize. The dream is important...so payest thine attention knave! (throws chalk at Itsuki for no apparent reason)

Itsuki?

Nf: (rants and rails in shakespearean english) )

**disclaimer: The poem technically is allowed...to my knowledge...unless someone made it into a song (cackles at the loophole) It comes from my mini poe collection book 'the raven and other poems' It is an excerpt from Poe's poem 'Dreams' from the 'scholastic classics' collection, copyright 2000. Like I said. Not mine. Nyeh. If I put in my own poetry, you would know. **

* * *

_"Oh! That my young life were a lasting dream!_

_My spirit not awak'ning till the beam_

_Of an Eternity should bring the morrow;_

_Yes! tho' that long dream were of hopeless sorrow,_

_Twere better than the dull reality_

_Of waking life to him whose heart shall be,_

_And hath been ever, on the chilly earth,_

_A chaos of deep passion from his birth!"_

_-Edgar Allen Poe: Dreams_

* * *

the past:

So sleepy...

Sleepy...

He could sleep here forever. Here he would be safe...but why was it so cold all of a sudden? It was so dark...it hadn't been that way when he had passed out...

It was so dark here...so dark...and cold...

Wait a second! Where was he! Tsukasa opened his eyes, and raised himself from the icy ground...if it was ground at all...it felt icy and real beneath his feet but he couldn't see anything, not where it began, not where it ended, Nothing. All black, and dark, cold and empty. He stretched out his arms, searching for something like a wall or a peice of furniture. There was nothing. He was shivering. He rubbed his arms, alarmed. Where was the house? Where were his clothes! Where was Tomonori? "Tomonori-san! Tomonori-san! Where are you!" There was no reply. No reply at all except his own plantive voice calling back to him. Of course there was no reply! He had left him! He would never see him again! Tsukasa shivered again, feeling a lump growing in his throat as he remembered the events before he found himself here, wrapping his arms around his slender, shaking form. He trembled like a leaf as he sank down to the icy ground. Naked, cold, and alone. "Tomonori-san..." he whispered. A tear slipped down his face. Unexpectedly hot in this cold place. Scalding tears were dripping down his face as his huddled in a little trembling ball. He wept silently, rocking back and forth. Why did he even try to call for him! After what he had just done, Tomonori would never come for him! He choked down a sob. "no..." He whispered. But it was true. He had betrayed his trust! He wasn't supposed to fall in love with Tomonori--None of this was supposed to happen! Tsukasa mumbled through his tears. "It's not my fault...I can't help it."

'Yes you can!' Shouted his mind back at him.'You didn't HAVE to kiss him! If you had just sat there and waited for it all to pass, he wouldn't have left you! This is all your fault!'

"I know..." he whispered back, tears still streaming down his face. "I know...this is all my fault." He tried to wipe his eyes, but the tears kept coming. "Why did I even think Tomonori-san would... I'm sick. I'm a sick, twisted, horrible person. I'm a murderer. A stupid, selfish, deformed murderer! I'm NOTHING!" He screamed. The horrible cold blackness gave no reply, not even an echo this time, just more coldness. Tsukasa felt the tears cooling as they dripped from his chin and slid down his throat, leaving trails of icy wetness where they had been. He could feel them turning to lacy frost against his skin, freezing with a cold that sliced deeper than blades made of the sharpest steel. "Oh Tomonori-san...I'm so sorry..." he whispered. He felt fresh tears slipping down his face.

'He hates me. I don't care what he said! He MUST hate me after all of this! I hurt him! And...I liked it too! I'm so disgusting! I'm EVIL!' He choked on another horrible sob.

_Tsukasa_

He jerked suddenly. "Tomonori-san?" Hope made his heart beat fast...that voice...was he coming? Was he coming for him? He searched through that suffocating cold blackness, hoping to find him, groping with his hands, searching with his eyes--he could see himself, see hisown body, could he see if Tomonori was coming? He strained, listening for footsteps, fingers straining to touch what came close... Nothing. There was no other sound than him hiccuping from crying so much. Nothing to feel other than the cold air in his fingertips. He wanted to kick himself. "Idiot!" He visciously directed at himself. 'Tomonori-san's not coming for you. You're a stupid deformed hideous ALIEN. He hates you. He never wants to see you again. You make him VOMIT!'

"STUPID!" He shouted at himself. He drove his fingernails into the outline of a scar that he could feel on his back. He whimpered in pain at what he was preparing to do. But it only made him loathe his own weakness more for making the pathetic noise 'You're so WEAK! You deserve this! You hurt so many people, you deserve to feel what you did to them!' He ripped the skin with his nails, peircing the smooth scarred skin, and flaying it back. He could feel the heat of blood, the stickiness beneath the skin he pulled away. He gave a cry of pain, but cut himself short with a growl. "You're so weak. Take your punishment! You deserve it! Don't pretend that you don't! You could never be good enough anyway, and you dared to HURT Tomonori-san! You're a monster! You're a murderer!" His nails tore flesh again. He cried out in pain, cutting off the viscious words he shot into his thoughts. He screamed himself down in his mind all the more for his inability to voice what he felt. Blood dripped from the wound. Slivers of red-drenched ruined skin clung to his blood drenched hand. He gave exhausted sobs. The scarred remnents of his wings dripping crimson pearls down his back, hot with pain. The pain cut a deep knife into him, deeper than the cold with it's hot lash of agony. Fire throbbed in his shoulder, a pain at once excruciating and releiving. A machoistic sense of payment. Blood atonement. He gritted his teeth. He deserved to feel that pain AGAIN! Those extra limbs torn away...he deserved that! He deserved it all for what he had done! He moved his fingertips in a twisted caress of nails on his back. He could feel the blood drying beneath his fingernails, caking on his hands. He twisted his expression away from one of pain, into a pure form of self hate unlike anything his face had ever shown before. The tears spilling from his eyes froze his skin while pain throbbed an excruciating heat from his back.

He growled at himself through his exhausted sobs. The growl was a low, keening wail, a wail of pain, of sadness, of anger, and the deep directed anger of betrayal. He had betrayed his master when he murdered her father, and now he had betrayed Tomonori by losing control of his feelings. He would destroy himself from the inside out before he ever let himself get away with what he had done. He would kill himself before he ever hurt either of them again! He dug those once perfect, now stained ovals of keratin into the other scar. Tears coursed down his face as he heard his voice cry out in a pathetic whimper. How could he? How could he have ever hurt someone that kind, that gentle to him? Tears burned under his eyelids. "TOMONORI-SAN!" The scream became agony as the fingernails raked away the rest of the ruined skin. He collapsed, fingers stained with deep, dark crimson. He sobbed into his arms. He was so alone. IT was his own fault that he was alone. He had caused this agony for himself. He deserved this!

Blood trickled between his shoulderblades, over them, down to his waist. Painting his back in red. Tsukasa sobbed wretchedly.

"...how could I?...How could I?" He whimpered to himself. Nobody would-

_Tsukasa..._

save him now...he wept with soft little pathetic whimpers. Why did he keep on thinking that Tomonori would ever come and save him? It was his own fault that he had left. He was never coming back for him! "I'm so sorry." He whispered. He would always be alone for this, and when his back healed, he intended to reopen them again. He would never forgive himself for-

"shhh..." Warmth surrounded him. Familiar arms encircled him, picking him up from the ground, embracing him. "Don't cry." came a breathed whisper into his hair, close to his ear. Tsukasa gasped, his vision blurry with tears, wide eyed, gaping at the vision before him. This wasn't possible...it couldn't be! "T-Tomonori-san!" It COULDN'T be! But there he was. Tomonori held him softly, as though he would break if he held him tightly. "Yes...I'm here." He embraced him gently, then his fingers came away sticky with blood. He gave a soft noise, then backed away in surprise. Tsukasa cast away his eyes. Yes, that would be fitting. Tomonori had come, and now he would leave forever..it would make his punishment more full if he- He was abruptly interrupted in his thoughts. Tomonori held up a moist rag, his hand warm against Tsukasa's cheek, tilting his face up to him. " Let's clean you off." He said quietly. Tsukasa gasped, suddenly so afraid that his knees gave way. He twisted out of Tomonori's grasp, scrambling backwards on all fours. "N-No! You can't touch me! Why are you here? You left me...NO! I-I'm too dirty! Y-You can't!" Tomonori's eyes widened slightly, then were hidden again, unease didn't leave his expression though. His voice was cautious."Tsukasa, You have to let me clean you...if you don't stop bleeding soon-" Tsukasa gave a cry of terror, cutting him off.

"N-no! I can't let you...it'll make you dirty! D-Don't touch me! You'll get dirty! I-" Tomonori took his chin in his hand, forcing him to look in his eyes. "Tsukasa. I have to clean your wounds." Tsukasa stared into his eyes with nothing short of animal fear in his eyes. His heart beat harder at the gentleness and tenderness the human was showing him. He couldn't make himself speak for a moment, but he regained his voice when Tomonori made to wipe away the blood on his shoulders. He jerked away, stammering, "B-But...I'm so...I'm so deformed! How can you even stand to...!" Tomonori cut him off, rendering him speechless as he broke the distance, and held him close, holding him tightly as though to keep him from escaping. So warm after all that horrible coldness. Tsukasa felt so safe in that embrace. So much like he belonged there. He wanted to let Tomonori clean his wounds, he really did! He wanted to stay in that embrace forever...But he was so dirty! He was so disgusting! How could Tomonori stand to let such filth soil him?

"Tsukasa..." Tsukasa looked up at him. His eyes were as black as the darkness that surrounded him. But instead of a gaping cold there, he could _feel_ the warmth in Tomonori. It was far more comforting than the hot painful throbbing in his shoulders. "You have to let me help you...you have to come back."

Tsukasa felt fear jolt through his spine. Come back to what? ...this wasn't real then...but...NO! He NEVER wanted to go back! Despite the cold blackness here, it was safe! He couldn't leave! This was only a dream! Tomonori wasn't really back! He couldn't possibly...

"Tsukasa?" Tsukasa was frightened, but if he said no, Tomonori might leave forever here as well as in the real world! He didn't want to lose him again! "I'll be with you the whole time." Tomonori said softly, cradling his form against him. Tsukasa felt a blush creep over his face. "... Tomonori-san." he managed to whimper. Tears trickled from his eyes. Tomonori shifted until he was behind him, and knelt down. "I have to clean you...it isn't healthy for you to let such guilt stain you...let me help you. Please Tsukasa." Tsukasa couldn't look away from him when he asked with the rare 'please' so uncommon in his speech. The gentlness in those eyes couldn't possibly mean him any harm. "Will you let me clean you off?" Tsukasa could feel a lump in his throat. Fresh tears trickled from his eyes. He buried his head in Tomonori's shoulder, holding on to him so he wouldn't slip away and leave. He choked back a sob, then caught his voice. "O-Okay...Tomonori-san..." Tomonori gave him a slight smile and a nod. He allowed Tsukasa to cry into him until his sobs were further aparent and he was giving teary hiccups, then he disentangled Tsukasa's arms from him, and moved around so he could kneel behind him. Tsukasa felt suddenly frightened, craning his neck to make sure that Tomonori didn't dissapear when he wasn't watching. "Tsukasa..." Tomonori paused, then touched his arm breifly, reassuring him. "I'm not going to vanish...you have to trust me." Tsukasa hesitated, then forced himself not to look. It took all of his willpower not to whirl around and make sure Tomonori was still there. There was an awful moment where nothing seemed to happen... then Tsukasa could feel something moist dabbing away the drying blood. He gave a sigh of releif. Oddly enough, unlike his tears, the dabbles of the rag didn't leave liquid ice trails on his back, but rather the damp cloth was warm. It glowed with heat on his body, comforting him with the faint heat lingering in his skin. He felt so ashamed suddenly. For what he had done to Tomonori, for what he had done to himself, for his nakedness...for everything! "How can you still bear to touch me Tomonori-san?" He asked quietly, tears of humiliation coursing down his cheeks. He could feel that heat radiating form draw closer to him. A blush glimmered amidst the tears on his face. Tomonori's breath stirred the hairs by his ear. His hand touched Tsukasa's face, smoothing his bangsfrom behind, making his insides give a sudden squirm. "Do you think I don't care about you Tsukasa?" Tomonori whispered to him, he sounded rather surprised, even mildly hurt. Tsukasa blushed deeper, stammering that he never meant something like that! He felt something ache inside him. 'Stop it you freak! He doesn't mean it that way...but at least it means that I'll have a friend amidst all of this...' Tsukasa faintly smiled at Tomonori, using a hand to wipe away his tears. "That's my angel." Tomonori said when he caught Tsukasa's teary smile. He touched a tear on his face, ignoring the sudden redness of Tsukasa's face. "No more of these." He said, a teardrop balenced on one of his slim fingertips. Tsukasa could feel him binding his shoulders. Wrapping his whole upper torso in warm, dry bandages He pulled out a blanket from some unknown place and wrapped it around Tsukasa's naked body, covering him. He scooped him up in his arms. "Lets get you back to reality." Tomonori said, looking down at Tsukasa's wide surprised eyes. "B-But Tomonori-san-!" He suddenly gasped as Tomonori shifted his grip to tousle his hair and cup a hand around Tsukasa's tearstained cheek with his fingertips. He kissed his forehead suddenly "I've been worried." He said with a soft smile. Tsukasa was unable to speak. Blushing a brilliant crimson. His voice had left him when his voicebox had been replaced by his heart. The poor overworked organ was likely pumping all of that extra blood into his blushing face. "...Y-You don't hate me? You aren't mad? You really don't mind that I...?" Tomonori smiled down at him. "I told you," He embraced the shivering figure, pulling him closer to him. "I could never hate you. I never will either...Am I mad? Do I look mad?" Tsukasa shook his head, eyes large. "but..." Tomonori let go of him. Tsukasa shivered into his blanket, pulling it tighter around him. Tomonori tilted up Tsukasa's suddenly blushing face to look at him. "If I say I could never hate you, it is an unconditional statement Tsukasa...I am by your side here, and I am by your side in reality." Tsukasa looked into his eyes. They were just as guarded here as they were in the real world, but his hand was warm against his cheek. He felt so real...he couldn't possibly be lying to him...but...with him in real life? He couldn't be...could he? "I need you to come back to me Tsukasa. Please don't hide from me. I need you to wake up." Tsukasa shook his head, tears suddenly in his eyes. "But...what if you hate me in the real world, what if I wake up and you're not there?" Tomonori suddenly grabbed his hand. "Tsukasa...I PROMISE I will be there." Tsukasa looked away. Tomonori pulled him back to look him in the eye. "Tsukasa...You have to trust me, I NEED you to come back."Tsukasa shook his head free. No matter what this Tomonori said, he couldn't beleive him. "You're just one of my dreams...my wishes...let go of me!" He pulled his hand free, tears streamed down his face. "I'm never going back!" He felt more tears coming down his face. "Never...If you're here I can just stay here with you...I don't want you to hate me in the real world...not after you're so nice to me here..." He whispered. Tomonori's arms were around him in an instant. He felt so warm, so real, Tsukasa wanted him to be, so badly, but he wasn't. He couldn't be...could he? "But I'm waiting for you...I'm right beside you now...waiting for you to open your eyes..." Tomonori murmured in his ear. Tsukasa's heart beat faster, his breath catching in his throat at those soft words "Tsukasa...I know I can't convince you that I am real...here I may not be, but I **am** calling to you. And that is why I am here now like this...I want you to come back to me...you don't belong in this darkness. You don't deserve to be cold and alone...anything is better than imprisoning yourself here...please. Come back to me." Tsukasa felt more tears slipping past his eyelashes. His heart was breaking just listening to him, he sounded so real. He sounded so beleivable. "Why? ...Tomonori-san...maybe you can be strong in this world, but I can't be...I don't belong there."

"Yes you do." Tomonori insisted patiently. Tsukasa made a noise of frustration, pushing away Tomonori's arms. The chill bit into him as soon as they were gone. "NO! No I DON'T! I'm a murderer! I'm deformed! I'm not even human! Why can't you just leave me here!" He cried out, feeling so confused, and frustrated and scared. He felt himself crying again. Since when had he been so emotional! Would he ever stop crying? Tomonori stepped close to him, lowering his head to Tsukasa's level. His eyes filled with such tender sadness that Tsukasa felt suddenly bad for what he had done, for what he had said, guilty. "When did I ever call you any of those things?" Tsukasa's frustration evaporated, staring at Tomonori. "You are an angel. You belong here, on earth, with me. And I don't think you are deformed. Murderer? Before you were mindbreaked perhaps, but to me..." He smoothed Tsukasa's blond hair. "You have been nothing but an innocent, and beautiful young creature." Tsukasa could feel his heart aching, moved to tears by the wonderful things that Tomonori had called him. Tomonori held out a hand. "Won't you come back to me Tsukasa? I'll be so lonely without you..." Tsukasa gave a sob. "Oh Tomonori-san!" He flung his arms around Tomonori and buried his head in his shoulder sobbing. HIs blanket fell around his ankles. But he didn't care. This Tomonori was being so kind to him, giving him his touch...continuing to embrace him...this had to be a dream. Tomonori wouldn't have given him so much physical contact in the real world...this had to be a fantasy born of nightmare... "I wish you were really like this...I wish you were the real Tomonori-san..." Tomonori held him in return, looking at him. "But I am...the original's always better than a copy, but..." He hesitated momentarily as thoguh thinking--much as Tomonori would have done in reality. "I am like this with you now, because this is how you see me..." He smiled at Tsukasa "You are the reason I seem so wonderful...I'll be just the same to you when you return...but it is you who have allowed me to treat you well..." Tsukasa trembled, clutching him. "Ohhhh..." He breathed. Just the same...he would be just the same in reality?...would he hold him so tenderly in reality? "Will you come back?" Tomonori asked quietly. Tsukasa held him tightly. He didn't want to be stuck in this coldness forever, even if he had Tomonori by his side. Even if they were together here, he wanted to be with the real one more...this one was controlled by his mind...He would never do something unpredictable like Tomonori did in the real world...

The original WAS better that the copy...even if the copy was wonderful. Even if Tomonori would never love him in reality...or even here...at least it would be him.

"of course...Of course I will...Oh my dear Tomonori-san, you're always so good to me..." Tsukasa took his hand, wiping his tears with the other. "I am ready to go back now." Tomonori nodded, squeezing his hand. He bent down pulling the blanket to cover him. Head turned discreetly. Tsukasa took it gratefully, blushing as he covered himself. "Then follow me." Tomonori seemed somewhat sadder though...different somehow... Tsukasa followed behind him, holding the blanket around his hips, covering himself with his right hand while his left was in Tomonori's. Tomonori led him by the hand. He couldn't seem to get over that-Tomonori was holding his hand! But something had changed...Tomonori seemed to become sadder and sadder as they came closer to light, and to reality. The air didn't seem so dark anymore. The surroundings less stuffy, but the closer they came, the more Tomonori seemd to change...The more he seemed out of character. Tsukasa was filled with thoughts along the way. What he would say, what he would do once he got into the real world again, but all too soon, they were on the very threshold of that beautiful glowing light. "Oh...it's so pretty..." Tomonori smiled at his wonder, but said nothing, looking away. Tsukasa suddenly tugged his hand like a child. "...Tomonori-san, will you really be there when I wake up?" Tomonori looked at him, then his face seemed to droop downward in sadness. He nodded. "Tomonori-san?" Tomonori looked at him. Tsukasa swallowed, trying to choose his words. "Is something wrong?" Tomonori sighed. "In a way...you may never see me again...I'm there...but not me." Tsukasa blinked, shocked. "What? But you said you were..."

"I _am_ right beside you. But...THIS me," He pointed to himself. "If the version of me in reality never speaks...never admits that I exist...that I am part of him...I will be lost to you forever." Tsukasa's eyes widened. "but I don't want to lose you, **any** of you, Tomonori-san!" Tomonori looked away. "But I want to lose YOU even less...all of your Tomonori-san...not just me...he doesn't want to lose you, just like I don't...so..." He sighed. " Tsukasa. You must go. Even if it means that this is the last time you'll see this part of me..." Tsukasa looked at him. Tomonori held him close "I love you." Tsukasa's eyes widened "T-Tomonori-san?" Tomonori's face controrted into an expression of greif. "You may never see this part of me-of him I mean-ever again...but I want you to know...there is some part of him out there, that feels the same way to you, that you do for him. This is the first time he has ever shown me to you...and beleive me..." He squeezed Tsukasa tightly, nearly crushing the breath from him. Very unlike Tomonori in real life. "I wish it could last forever...but you need to return." Tsukasa felt tears burning in his eyes "But if we...you...him...me...if we never..." Tomonori's lips trembled. His eyes were far too open, there was nothing there to hold back his emotions. The person speaking to him had no emotional guard, it felt almost like an imposter, but his soul seemed the same. The light in his eyes was the same. It was Tomonori...some part of him...a part of him that he had never seen before. "Oh...my dear Tsukasa...please know this, I love you...And the complete one you go to feels the same...somewhere...that somewhere is me-by my very existance it proves it...There will always be part that loves you deeply. Bless you, dear angel." He kissed him softly, gently touching their lips together for a breif instant. Tsukasa's heart stopped, then kick started again in triple beats.. His wide eyes stared back at Tomonori.

His heart was suddenly breaking. This was the part of Tomonori that he had always wondered about, and he didn't want to just discover it to lose it. Tomonori's face was deeply distraught with loss. He looked into his eyes. His own, suddenly unguarded. FIlled with the emotion that Tsukasa had imagined in every one of his daydreams and wishful scenarios. The echo of those lips upon his, still played heavily on his soul. "Even if we never meet again. at least you'll know that I do love you...that some part of myself feels for you...it is up to you, dear sweet angel, to bring me out from behind the veil. My real self...I am a part of him. A part of him that loves you deeply, but he holds me back...he is afraid." He swallowed " Well...actually...I'm still afraid too...but, you have to show him, there is nothing to fear...You can make this part, ah... me, grow...I know you can." Tsukasa gave a low wail, grabbing his shoulders. "But...But...I have so much I want to know!" Tomonori kissed his cheek. "I'm only here for a short while, my time is running out...Before me, his caring side was here...he bandaged you, cared for you...then I was called here...like that other side of him, I'll be pulled back soon, and He'll put back on the mask...you know what I mean, he hides what he feels... but in this moment, what I am, is what he's feeling for you. He loves you Tsukasa..." Those black eyes looked oddly large. Tsukasa was unable to speak "I love you Tsukasa, and I may never be able to say that again...but..." He smiled sadly "at least you know...at least he can't hold me back this time..." He bowed his head, looking away sadly. Tsukasa clutched at the part of Tomonori that had led him back to reality. "I don't want to lose you though! If I could stay here with you..." Tomonori shook his head. "No...I told you. I'm leaving soon. This is the first time I've broken through yet..." He sighed "...you need to bring me out in him...I am part of him, remember?...If you can bring this emotion...if you can make him turn into me for just an instant like this...I know you could do it again." Tsukasa clung to his neck. "But..." Tomonori shook his head, placing a finger to Tsukasa's lips. "I'm no substitute for the one you love...a part is never as good as the whole..." He touched his cheek. Tsukasa's eyes filled with tears and he looked away. "But...what if you don't like me when I come back? What if you hate me!" The emotion in the shape of Tomonori, lifted his head and spoke gently. "No part of hate in my mind could ever be directed at you...All of him, including me, feel that way about you...you're special Tsukasa. You really are..." He sighed. Tsukasa felt a lump in his throat. "I can't go back..." Tomonori lowered his head "But you can't stay here...you know that..."

Tsukasa closed his eyes, turning his head away. "But...I don't want to..." Tomonori shook his head. "I know what you want...and I'm not sure whether in the real world it will ever happen..." Tsukasa felt hot tears prickling his eyes. "But here..." Tomonori began. HIs eyes were suddenly questioning, he tenatively touched Tsukasa's cheek, wiping away a tear with a forefinger. Tsukasa looked up through his tears, longing. Then Tomonori bent down, pressing thier lips together, carefully placing his arms around the boy. Tsukasa held him close, completely absorbed in what Tomonori was giving to him. Not because it was nessecarily a good kiss, but because it was his dream. He held on to the mimic as though he could never be separated from him in the imagined moment he had longed for for so long. He didn't even realize that the emotion taking the form of his beloved human was moving him backwards until he pulled away and pushed him through the light, pulling himself away. "No!" Tsukasa cried, reaching out to him as he faded. Trying to hold on. His face was scared as he faded away. Tomonori's doppleganger turned his head from the act of trechery, hiding his own greif as Tsukasa's spirit returned to his body. The human's emotion lifted his head in the direction of the whole that had sent him. "One day, You scared little dog." He dashed away a tear threatening to fall down a cheek that had never wept for over ten years, bitterly glaring in the direction of the whole that had kept him captive, that hated prison behind his own sheilded eyes. "One day, I'll get the better of your stupid fear, and you'll finally realize how much that sweet angel wants to be loved..." He turned his head to the shimmering light. "Forgive me Tsukasa...please...forgive me...just remember how I am part of what the whole feels, and that you can find me again...someday...someday we'll find eachother again." He sighed, lifting up his eyes with a single tear escaping as he was absorbed back into his prison.

...there was silence.

A moment where Tsukasa felt something pushing him along, sweeping him along in a great hot blast of air...Pushing him back into his own body...

And Tsukasa awoke with a rather realistic impression of lips on his, and a memory of a rapidly dissolving dream. Darkness and blood and...what was the end?...Tomonori was there and...oh no! Why couldn't he remember? Who was he snuggled into now? He was holding onto someone...all was still dark with his eyelids. He tried to keep them closed, tried to remember, but within a few seconds it had completely left him, and he opened his eyes on a face with sheilded black eyes, and an expression of vague discomfort. He coughed. And Tsukasa's eyes suddenly widened, as he pushed himself away. What was he doing? Why was he there? He turned his eyes to Tomonori. Maybe the answer was there. He cursed those sheilded eyes in his mind-no matter how he loved them, those eyes never offered him the answers he needed. One day he would find what lay behind those sheilds. One day...

* * *

the present:

Tsukasa watched the human he adored turn on his heel and walk out the door. He seemed to hesitate...no he couldn't be, Tomonori never hesitated, he was always sure and confident--even if he didn't advertise it. He paused however. His head turned slightly, as though casting a final look at Tsukasa. What was he looking for? What was he thinking of? What made him stop? Why did he have to look back at **him**? But the hesitation passed, and Tomonori exited the room. Tsukasa bewilderedly wondered what he had done this time. He hadn't attacked him or anything. He hadn't tried to kiss him. So what had he done now! He tried to remember what Tomonori might have been upset about. He had been glaring at him with his teeth bared as though something distasteful was running through his head. The very sight of that sort of anger on Tomonori's face made him feel frightened like nothing ever had before. Those exposed canines had looked sharp enough to tear out his throat in that breif instant of his terror, before reverting back to the dull teeth of a human. Tsukasa had felt in that moment, the sensation of Tomonori grabbing him by the neck and crushing his windpipe with his jaws, killing him, tearing out his throat, like some feral, wounded carnivourous animal. The frustration...or was it **anger** in his eyes in that instant had made Tsukasa want to run, his heart hammering. And what was worse was how Tomonori's eyes had never left his. How that anger seemed to be directed at HIM. He was dreadfully afraid, and crushed, so upset with himself for being the cause of so much anger. He had barely been able to whisper out the human's name, hoping to beg for some shred of forgiveness for whatever he had done. Then his face had abruptly smoothed over, his expression becoming mildly confused. Tsukasa had barely been able to stammer the question of what he had done...certainly he had done something horrible to merit such anger. But Tomonori had quickly become concerned, even worried at his question. _"No...No...I'm not upset with you at all._" Those words had brought such an overwhelming sense of releif that Tsukasa's knees had nearly given way. That gentle face would never lie to him, not with such worry so obvious in his cloaked emotions...so what could have possibly caused such fury? Tsukasa shivered. If only he could see Tomonori's motives, his thoughts...He was beginning to wonder if on the occasion that Tomonori's mask fell away, if he would ever be able-even then-to read into his complex emotions...he doubted it. Even what glimpses he could catch, he was often unsure of...would the removal of that protective coat over his emotions clear things up, or simply confuse him more? He no longer knew the answer.

He moved gingerly, wincing at the pain in his shoulders as the movement and stretching of skin made the freshly formed scabs pucker painfully tight. His hand reached for the doorknob. He momentarily considered following Tomonori. He wanted to go and ask what he had done, but his shyness and anticipatory shame at whatever offense he had commited, and the pain this would bring to Tomonori quickly removed this thought from his head. He shut the door gloomily, feeling guilt settle over him. He walked back over to his half made bed, not bothering to begin fixing it, but simply lying down on his stomach.

His reflective eyes gazed at his familiar setting.

The room was perhaps blank to others, white walls devoid of any marking, furniture simple and unadorned...but to him, it was a comforting blankness. It could be changed at the slightest moment's inclination...but he never chose to. If he did, it would lose some of it's opportunity. And with this blankness, the room was full to bursting with opportunity. Earth had opened up a hope for him where there had been none. His room was his hope. And thus far he had only dared to change one thing, because it had so changed him and given a new fountain of that hope.

His room reflected his life. It's blankness wasn't void...it was an actual way of speaking his personality. Only one aspect had been altered. The single picture. That picture altered his whole opportunity. Mana Kirihara, his mindbreaker had changed his life. That was what changed him--as far as what was visible to others at least...if one were to open that frame, if one were to flip the picture over, there was another on the back. The person who had **truly** changed him. Though his mindbreaker had changed him, this person had changed him more...for all he knew he had brought him from murderer to a simple, curious youth with a single act of kindness. Tomonori's picture. The one who had brought him such opportunity...also the one who had given him the room to call his own. The preist, unaware that he was being captured by a simple invention. Unaware that he would become Tsukasa's darkest secret. Just as he was unaware that he had brought this change into his life in the first place...without that one person, he would have died on the side of the road...He would have never even MET Kirihara without Tomonori...Though that changed opportunity was always unspoken between them. He was grateful to Tomonori, but somehow his gratefulness wasn't spoken of...it didn't _need_ to be spoken of...though he honestly sometimes wished he could. Tomonori had told him not to thank him. The human thought no more of his actions to befriend and care for a person bleeding on the side of the road than he would think of giving change to the homeless on the corner. He didn't like attention drawn towards his unconscious acts of kindness, so Tsukasa remained silent, not from ingratitude, but from a longing to respect Tomonori's comfort zone, and do all he could to keep the priest happy...almost a sort of payment.

But nonetheless, he was grateful.

Beyond grateful...FAR beyond grateful!

The erasers would have thought of it as a moment of stockholm syndrome where he had bonded to his 'captor'. But to Tsukasa, it was when his gratefulness had turned to admiration, and his admiration had become a bit more...tiny steps that had driven him over the edge and head over heels, wings flailing, into the deepest crush he had ever had. A crush that teetered dangerously over the bounds of obsession.

Love.

He rested his chin in his hands for a moment. Waiting a moment, drifting down a dark path in his thoughts, and sighing when he came back out of it. Absentmindedly moving his hand to dig underneath the matress for a small, blue, wire bound, ordinary looking notebook.

It was as impersonal at first glance as the rest of his room--almost a last ditch effort to thwart any desire to open its cardboard cover...One would never suspect it's contents with a mere glance to it's outside harmless appearence. It looked as docile and non-surprising as a collection of english notes, a school book, even just a simple cute little diary from a creature always discovering new things about earth. But the instant the cover fell open, one could see Tsukasa almost more clearly in the lined pages, than the curious reader could by taking a glance at his body or face. Every shred of personality seemed to have been leeched out of the room--save the picture on his desk--and been placed in those pages. And it echoed not only his learning of a new world, but a desperation, a hunger for something...or worse, for someone. Something deeper than what would be expected. His soul was in the book, he was sure of it. He confessed things there that Tomonori would have fainted to see. Unexpected rawness, even darkness was present in those pages. Darkness in the feelings of a creature of light. Something forbidden, something abomitable, but still leeching on his thoughts, whispering in the corners of his mind, Whispering things that were far from the purity imagined by looking upon his form. The book was his thoughts, his dreams at night, poetry...even a few letters he had tried to start on, hoping one day to send in a confession to the human...He always stopped halfway through. Too embarrassed, too shy, too afraid to lose him. In some places he had tried to draw Tomonori, but he had always thought they came out wrong. His head wasn't like that. His hair was much shinier looking (oh he had longed to touch that hair for so long...). His eyes seemed just too flat, even soul-less on paper, never capturing the guarded barrier behind them, never capturing the complexity visible there. The eyes were dead. Dead as Tomonori's never could be in real life. Everything he was, was in that book. His deepest longings were charted. His darkest desires were lovingly inscribed. His hungers lay there, chewing on his soul whenever he saw them.

Everything.

Everything he wanted. Everything he hoped never to be or become...

Everything.

He sighed as he turned the page away from a sketch of Tomonori over a stack of papers, to a poem he had copied down from somewhere--he collected poems in his book. A simple two lines by Sappho: _Although they are only breath, words which I hold are immortal._

If these words could be immortal, than could what he felt for Tomonori last forever? He held to that desperately in his mind. If he could only write down what he felt for an instant, it would last forever. The words had hit him square in the heart the first time he heard them. Perhaps it was some ancient greek spell, perhaps there was some magic in saying that? His words would live forever, this passion in him would survive past the grip of war for centuries... What he wrote here would survive forever...a monument to the imprint of a single one-sided longing on the history of the world. The quiet little drama in the backset of a war that had raged since the dawn of the bloody Aquarian Age. The thought of immortality made him shiver in fear, in delight, in wishfulness...

Forever...

He opened the book to the first fresh page he came to. The opposite spent page, filled with his faint lacy script. HIs heart began to thud in his ears. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. That, was the page filled with his thoughts when he had decided to...try to take action on his feelings. He closed his eyes, fighting sudden nausea, and opened them, their lenses feeling suddenly moist. He didn't want to see it. He couldn't see his desperate hope, his desperate desire. He only felt a sad numbness. The sting of rejection. If he looked at that blind hope he had posessed not so long ago, he was sure he would cry. He closed his eyes, and flipped another page so he would have at least that page to keep him from looking upon his longings, immortalized in his own traitorous script. Those words, that hope, would live forever. They would make him feel horrible for at least as long. A pencil was tucked in the wire coil. He pulled it out, closing his eyes again, willing away the stinging tears.

How could he start?

What to write down?

What did he have left to hope for?

Would he finally have to use this diary as a calender, a simple way to pass the time? Writing cheerful nonsense about his day, and completely ignoring the existance of his feelings? Would he immortalize his desolation and feel it forever if he wrote about it? Was he still allowed to hope, and pine for the one who he knew couldn't possibly have any feelings for him in the way he hoped for? He bit his lip, tring to stop himself from crying. He couldn't cry! He was supposed to act like a human! And although Kirihara seemed constantly close to tears...Human males didn't cry...At least Tomonori never did. Tsukasa had seen Tomonori arrive too late to save a friend's life, and he never so much as shed a single tear, or even allowed the simplest expression of anguish to slip past his collective mask. Tsukasa **knew** it wasn't from desensitivity. The person so eager and kind to help a nameless bleeding boy as he lay dying on the unforgiving pavement, couldn't possibly not care about a friend...could he?

_What sense does it make for a swan to want to become a crow?... _

Tsukasa opened his eyes, looking down at what his hand had scribbled. His breath caught in his throat. His breathing seemed rapid, shallow. He could hear the rush of blood in his ears. Tomonori's words echoing in his head. A swan. He wished he could derive some hope from that word choice--that Tomonori thought of him as being beautiful!--but he somehow couldn't. An emptiness and gloom seeping through him.He cradled his head in his left hand while the right skimmed, seemingly with a mind of it's own over the blank pages, filling them with his feather light script.

_Those are the words he told me today. A swan. I'm not a swan. A swan doesn't kill other birds. I killed...Swans don't murder. I can't be a swan...I could never be a swan... A crow... Does he think a crow is ugly? Does he think a crow is worse than a swan? I don't think so...Crows are very smart...I always thought they were pretty too. But I can tell by how he said that, that he didn't mean something else beautiful... Tomonori-san meant himself to be less than me when he said that! I don't know why he would do something like that... I don't know why he would ever think that he's worth less than I am, but he said it. He's so wonderful to me, why would he ever think that? He could never be less than me...I'm a deformed murderer, cast away from my own kind forever...He's wonderful. He's perfect. He's whole...He's so...pretty too...oh God, not just pretty, he's beautiful! He could never be less than me! Why does he keep saying stuff like this? He's got to know it's not true! He scares me when he does things like that, and talks about how much better than him I am...doesn't he know who I am? What I am? He's not ugly to me...He's not less than me. Why does he think he is!_

Tsukasa sighed, becoming depressed, irritated and confused by his thoughts. Again, he wished he could see what Tomonori was thinking, at least understand how he thought, what he really meant when he said things like that...but he couldn't. He carefully probed his bandaged right shoulder, feeling pain flare at his touch. He fought back his tears again, as he stopped a thought wondering what it must have felt like to have Tomonori's hands touching him as he bandaged his wounds...he nearly wept as he banished the imagined caresses of soft hands on his skin.

He was trying so hard to stop these feelings...Tomonori was uncomfortable with him feeling this way! He should at least try to stop himself! He should at least hope that this would pass...But...it was just so HARD to do that! He wanted more than anything to slip into a dream world where he could be held, kissed and soothed by the one he loved so desperately. But, it wasn't right for him to do that...Tomonori didn't think that way about him...why couldn't he at least try to stop himself? Why couldn't he try to be a son for Tomonori? Why couldn't he just try his hardest to make Tomonori happy?

_It's so wrong for me to think of stuff like this... I shouldn't have gone and done that to him. Why did I have to make him so upset? After all I've done to him, I should have known better than to make him so angry! Do I always have to screw up things for Tomonori-san! ...What's wrong with me? I don't know why he still lets me stay here with him, with all the trouble I cause...and now...falling in love with him...What's wrong with me? Why did I have to kiss him? Why couldn't I just control myself just like Tomonori-san does? I'm so weak...How could I possibly think that someone like him, would ever even think about being with someone like me? I shouldn't have ever hoped. That was stupid...I don't think Tomonori-san feels that way about ANYONE least of all, me. If he liked someone else...well...I don't know what I would do! It makes me want to cry just thinking about it...He's always telling me that there will be someone else for me other than him, that scares me. I don't want to love anyone other than Tomonori-san! I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else! But he...he could really like someone else and be trying to tell me nicely. Oh! What can I do! He won't ever feel the same for me now...am I going to die without ever really being in love with someone...with someone else feeling the same way about me I mean. I don't know how to be...appealing to him. I don't even know what he likes in people. Even if I had courage...like Itsuki-kun, to just talk to people, and say what I think without being afraid, I would never be able to...approach him like that..._

Tsukasa's face screwed up into an expression af anguish. There was nothing he could do here to make Tomonori love him. His dreams, though filled with scalding moments where their lips were melded together, were not all he longed for...his longings weren't merely physical lust...which made it harder.

He had heard Tomonori laugh before. Simple small moments of laughter, always cut short with embarrassment. But he had seen the way his face lit up when he laughed. It was so rare that it happened, so unexpected when he accidentally let it out. Tsukasa's heart hammered faster just hearing it echo in his dreams. Just once he wanted to make Tomonori laugh...be responsible for that grin to break over his normally unemotional face...Oh God! Every time he did that he seemed...younger, somehow more attainable, and infinitely more beautiful to Tsukasa's adoring eyes...It was probably a good thing that he didn't laugh, or even smile very much or Tsukasa probably would have tried to kiss him far earlier than he had before... Tsukasa felt an overwhelming sense of shame slip over his body, shoving those thoughts of laughter from his mind. His feelings weren't right!...they just couldn't be! Not with Tomonori so uncomfortable about them! What he was feeling was immoral and indecent! And poor Tomonori! He didn't feel the same, and now Tsukasa had given him the problem of his feelings on top of everything else he had to deal with. Unlike Tsukasa, Tomonori had to keep secret the fact that he served under Mana Kirihara rather than under the authorities of the WIZ-DOM faction. It was getting harder and harder for him. Tsukasa was an eraser, with no ties to his faction left save for Gabriel, and Gabriel was already mindbroken under a different master, so he was hardly about to go and inform on him, even if he had the desire to...but Tomonori...He had duties. He had to keep hushed the fact that Tsukasa was an eraser--if his faction had known, he would have likely been ordered to kill him! He had his job to worry about...his life was complicated enough without Tsukasa adding to it by proclaiming that he loved him in a romantic way--completely disrupting the almost father/son relationship they had nurtured for over two years since Tomonori had rescued him from death on the street.

He wanted to cry again, but he forced himself not to. Oh! This was so hard! How could Tomonori control himself so well? Had he struggled this hard not to cry before? Was he just too weak to ever try to control himself the way Tomonori did? Tsukasa choked down a sob, and forced himself to write, hoping to distract himself away from his desire to cry.

_That must be it...I'm just too weak. I'm just too small. I'm not good enough for him...He doesn't deserve to have some deformed little alien trying to kiss him and acting like an idiot around him. He deserves so much better than me...I should be happy when he finds someone else--I'm sure he will...he's so kind, and nice, and he looks so...well he looks quite wonderful too!-- and I WON'T cry when it happens! I'll be happy for him! I'll act like a good little son for him, I'll be what he wants me to be...I have to make up SOMEHOW for what I did to him...oh I hurt him! I could see him bleeding! It must still hurt him...Oh I'm such a bad person! I wish I could just die sometimes!...but then Tomonori-san would be sad if I died...that's not fair to him... I don't think I can ever live up to being good enough for all the kind things he does to me. I wish I could be good to him, and make him happy just once... But I can't...I'm so useless! ...I have to stop myself. I can't do this to him, his life is hard enough without me trying to get more. He's being so kind by letting me stay here. He really is good to me...he's my first friend...before everyone else, even before Kirihara-san! He treats me like a son! It's so selfish of me to demand feelings in return from him...or even to burden him with mine. I'm so selfish...I have to change this...somehow. But I can't think of a single way I can take back what I have done...but I can try to be better for Tomonori-san later. It's not fair of me to do this to him, so I won't let my bad feelings hurt him ever again...I won't ever touch him like that ever again. _

Tsukasa told himself not to cry. Tsukasa told himself that humans didn't cry. But he felt the tears slipping down his cheeks anyway. The harder he tried to hold them back, the more they escaped his eyelids. He knew that he wanted more that anything for Tomonori to return his feelings, and that he needed to cast away that longing forever. He knew that it would be hard, that it would be a constant struggle with himself...but that wasn't why he was crying...

He had awoken to Tomonori's arms holding him close--or at least he thought he had felt him holding him...likely it was just part of the dream of Tomonori kissing him...just a damned dream!--he had felt heat running through him, as though his whole blood system had been replaced with elecricity. And of course what he remembered most was a mouth on his, unmoving, just a simple tenative pressure and warmth, and moment where he had thought perhaps he would awaken to a happy ending, to a dream come true. That he would open eyes on Tomonori, and hear him say that he loved Tsukasa too...that somehow when he had kissed him, it had allowed him to say that he too had the same feelings...

But it was just that. A dream. And dreams melted away when you turned on the light of day. Your room--even your soul--could seem perfect and peaceful and optimistic in the shadows of night, in the velvet embrace of shadows all hard edges could soften and melt away into a night of happiness courtesy of your own subconscious...but when you turned on the cursed electric light, or threw aside the curtains and flooded the room with sunlight and the harsh truth of what your room looked like. Light revealed that your life was one of war, that you were a soldier with no time for rest, a soldier awakening to a day where they might be called to kill, that your dreams of peace-no matter how lovely they were--could never end the war through hope. The world was cruel to dreams. Unless they were spurred to action in teh right moment, they would shrivel and die. Ande even when put to flight through action, they could be shot down.

His previous actions only served to destroy his dream. With his own eagerness, he had ruined his one chance...'I'm such an idiot!' he yelled at himself internally.

He threw the notebook shut, tearing out a sheet and the pencil, sticking them in his pocket so he could work on a letter of apology to Tomonori later. He swung his body around, shoving the notebook under his matress. His shoulder gave a twang of pain, he gasped and clutched it. Oh NO! He hadn't reopened the wound had he?...no... It wasn't bleeding again luckily enough, but he really had to be more careful! He couldn't ask Tomonori to come in and rebandage him or anything, and he couldn't see the wounds to bandage them himself. He had to be cautious...he had to control his frustration! ...Still, without the frustration an all-consuming guilt and gloom loomed over his feelings--Here he was... injured, emotional, and an utter and complete burden on Tomonori. He really was useless! All he ever did was run around and cause trouble, and need to get rescued by the compassionate human!

He held his shoulder, tears still dripping down his face. he scrambled off his bed, pacing for a moment before the veiled window caught his eye. He carefully pushed himself off his half made bed, fresh tears coming with the sudden strain on his shoulders. Reopening the wounds of an amputee wasn;t just dangerous, but was excruciatingly painful...if he had been in his eraser form, there would have been empty sockets, and torn muscles bared against the bandages. He peered at the window. Was something there? He crossed the room, bare feet padding accross the plain white carpeting almost noiselessly. He threw aside the blank curtains in the room. The night stretched flawlessly from his second story window...the moon full and swollen against a night sky turned gray with the lights of the city, the stars only faintly dimmed. He stared for a few moments before his fingers moved seemingly of their own accord, unhooking the latches, and pushing open the window. Freezing night air spilled into his room. He shivered with the chill. A clear, cold autumn night. It couldn't possibly be warmer than fifty degrees outside, at least twenty degrees difference from his room. It's comparably stuffy warmth spilled from the window like blood from a wound. Soon the entire room was as crisp as the outside air. Tsukasa felt his breath catch in his throat. His tears cooled on his cheeks as he stared outward at the beautiful night.

The moon sulked, like a slab of circular ice in the sky, slashing it's icicles of light, peircing through the clouds. It's chilly blades lighting upon Tsukasa's outline in his window, like a jagged black cutout of him, thrown to the ground as a shadow. Tsukasa opened his eyes, breath becoming a frosty cloud with every ragged exhale. The moon was so beautiful. The wind so icy, the air frozen and clear. He ached to fly in the depths of his eraser soul. In the depths of his angel heart...in the depth of his human spirit, He ached to fly. His wings spread out behind him, feathers flattening to keep the fragile limbs they covered, warm. His shoulders were suddenly more painful as his wounds deepened from shallow gashes into gaping sockets where limbs once were, but he ignored it, as stronger calling than pain flooding his body. He opened the window wide. The wind calling to him with a sweet voice of mind numbing flight. Tonight he would join it. He would spend his night on the wing, He would leave Tomonori alone and give him an evening without him doing stupid things and causing trouble for the man. His stomach quivered with anticipation. Flight was as close as he would ever get to heaven. He had been so caught up in the new opportunities of his life that he had nearly forgotten that he **could** fly...he hadn't needed to use his eraser form since the previous spring when the five of them, soldiers of Kirihara, had rescued her. All summer it had lain docile close to his soul. When the leaves had turned orange it had slept on, and now as they were beginning to fall it awoke, hungry. Demanding it's place as his nature back. His heart was the last thing on his mind in the wake of his instinct.

He closed his eyes, heart already soaring, and gave a test flap of his wings, preparing to join that wind, to get as close to the moon as he could, to feel the wind whistling in his ears...but something was wrong...

He suddenly felt his heart drop into his stomach. Oh...they were so weak...how long had it been since he used his wings? Far longer than the last time he had used this form...years! He flapped them, trying to get himself off the ground, convincing himself that everything had to be alright. He was just rusty...he could still fly...right? He remained on the ground. His wings beat harder, still nothing. He didn't even lift the slightest inch. He felt fear growing into a lump in his throat. He flapped his wings as hard as he could, feeling desperation hammering in his veins. He swallowed hard with a sickening jolt. Nothing happened. He was out of breath, and he still hadn't moved.

Oh God. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening! He tried again flapping his wings in great sweeps that made his hair blow about wildly...but he didn't rise even the fainteest milimeter off the carpet, not even when he tried jumping. He fell flat to the floor again. Horror seeped into his chest. He felt his belly twist and go cold.

He was doomed.

Oh God, He was stuck on the ground. His remaining wings were useless. His muscles were too frail and weak to carry him. "No..." He whimpered, feeling hot tears gush from beneath his eyelids. The wind calling him, but now it's voice was sad, it's voice would be lonely, he would never be in it ever again. He was trapped on the ground. He was trapped. Like a bird with it's feathers clipped, he would never soar on those winds again. He had lost his freedom. He was doomed to remain on the bitter ground until he died.

_You like humans so much, you can stay and watch them destroy themselves...all by yourself._

Was this his penance for liking Tomonori when he wasn't supposed to! Lafayel was right, he was doomed to stay...and if they destroyed themselves, he would watch and weep... Tears trickled down his cheeks. Was his forbidden love enough to merit this horrendous punishment? A bullet to his heart would have caused him less pain! Not his flight...he would have gladly given up anything else for the mere **chance** to gain Tomonori's affection...but the only thing that he could remember enjoying in his past! "No...No...Nooooo!" He wailed the monosyllabic word over and over, sobs breaking from him freely. He wept bitterly. He was unable to keep his voice down, crying out without hesitation or holding back. Trapped, he was trapped!

He sobbed wretchedly, loud in his anguish, still crying the word "No" over and over again like a mantra, as though by refusing to beleive it, it would somehow not be true. He barely even felt the prescence come into his room. He couldn't make himself stop crying even when he felt him there. Weeping and disgracing himself right in front of the person he wanted to impress. Tears dripping down his face. What did that ever-calm human think of him now! If only he had at least an expression on his face...then Tsukasa would at least know the rejection, the contempt, the dissapointment...but that blankness made him fear. What would he possibly think of this? He looked away from Tomonori, from that expression he couldn't read, weeping, sinking to his knees, eyes stinging. He closed them, feeling ice on his eyelashes. As he was about to fall, blinded by tears, He felt warm hands grab him by the elbows, stopping him just before he hit the ground, and helping him back to his feet. Tsukasa clutched him tightly, and sobbed into Tomonori's shoulder. The human felt so warm as he put his arms around him, careful not to harm his shoulders or pull the feathers on his wings. Tomonori felt so solid...so comforting in that moment that Tsukasa found himself babbling things uncontrollably. "Oh Tomonori-san!...Oh Tomonori-san! I'm done for...Tomonori-san I don't think I can ever...I can't ever...Oh Tomonori-san!" He gradually sobbed into incoherence, whimpering the human's name not caring that his expression was still unreadable. What Tomonori was thinking didn't even matter to Tsukasa any more. It was the last thing on his mind. He was only grateful to have something to hold onto, something to cry into...even to be able to cry! Stinging tears another almost joyful mark of his freedom here on this world. The mix of utter agony and releif from his new life, mingling into confusion, and seeping out of his eyes...

He heard a gentle sigh from next to his head. Tomonori's hand touched his head, guiding it into his shoulder. His voice was soft, gentle when he spoke. "Tsukasa...you wanted...to fly?" Tsukasa sobbed quietly, nodding his head against Tomonori's shoulder. He opened his eyes, looking up at Tomonori through his tears. Tomonori looked back at him for a moment, then seemed to understand...though how he did was anyone's guess... He wasn't quite sure how to deal with this, judging by his expression, but he tried to soothe Tsukasa nonetheless. "Tsukasa...don't cry...it'll be okay..." he murmured. He rocked him quietly, cradling Tsukasa's head against his shoulder. His body molded around Tsukasa's shuddering body as it went gratefully limp against him, quivering in horror, sadness, and excruciating emotional agony. Tsukasa was still whimpering and hiccuping with increasingly more feeble sobs. "NO! It won't! I'm trapped here!...you don't understand!" He wailed clutching Tomonori desperately. "I-I-I can't ever...I won't be able to...I've lost it forever...I'm trapped and...and..." He broke down into fresh sobs, burying his head deeper into Tomonori's shoulder. Tomonori's hand smoothed his hair."...If you want to leave me...I wouldn't force you to stay here..." Tomonori said quietly, tonelessly. Tsukasa trembled more violently, his shaky breaths turning to smoke in the cold from the open window. To...leave? The lamp on his desk shed light in the room, but somehow the moon cast a double shadow on the ground around them. "D-Do you want me to leave, Tomonori-san?" He asked in a near whisper, fear in his eyes. His heart was beating fast. He didn't want to leave! He would lose what mattered the most to him, but if Tomonori didn't want him near him...Fresh tears blossomed in his eyes. Tomonori gave a soft sigh, shifting, holding him tighter against his shoulder. His eyes were hidden as he stared past Tsukasa, sheilded by his hair. "No...I don't want you to leave...but if you do, I won't keep you here..." His voice sounded sad. Tsukasa's teary eyes widened. "Y-You want me to stay here? Really?" Tomonori's head jerked to look at him, staring at him breifly, surprise just registering past his mask. He lowered his black lashes, not looking Tsukasa in the eye, and exhaled, a cloud of smoke drifting from his mouth. His grasp on Tsukasa's shaking body shifiting. "Yes...Yes I do." He still sounded grave. Tsukasa could feel his body trembling. His lips curved up into a grateful, quivering smile, more joyful than his face could contain with it's tears. Tomonori had chosen to keep him! Fresh tears leaked from his eyes, but they weren't tears of greif. He dropped his hands from clutching Tomonori's shoulders and wrapped them tightly around his chest, burying his head near the man's collarbone, he closed his eyes. "Then...I want to stay...I really do...oh Thank you! Thank you Tomonori-san!" fresh grateful tears leaked from his eyes. Tomonori stiffened, surprised, then relaxed, breathing what sounded like a sigh of releif and placed a reassuring arm carefully around Tsukasa's shoulders. Tsukasa felt safe in those warm arms. But something was stirring within him...

It at once saddened him, and made him feel somehow more wishful and longing. He wanted to kiss the older male so badly... but he couldn't. He wanted to touch Tomonori's dark hair but he couldn't. The tresses hanging in contrast against his pale skin like a sleek, short ebony waterfall. They seemed to almost sparkle in the moonlight...He looked so beautiful, his liquid black eyes so tender...Tsukasa nearly broke out in tears again at just how breathtaking he looked--and this wonderful person wanted _him_ to stay there! He was brought back to his memory of awakening.

He hadn't thought his heart could have gone faster than when he came to and felt lips upon his, gently kissing him, filling him with some inexplicable sensation of heat flowing through his body, through his veins-but only for an instant before the lips were suddenly absent before he had had the chance to reply to that delicate touch. The breif instant he was mostly sure was a dream, but for a moment...

He sighed to himself. It would be so much like him, to taste the perfect moment in his dreams, complete down to the taste of Tomonori's lips against his. So warm...

His face felt suddenly warm as he realized how close he was to Tomonori. He was suddenly altogether **too** aware of how close they were. **Too** aware of the moon reflecting back off the wireless lenses of Tomonori's glasses, refracting the round moon into a hundred little fragments across the liquid inky-black surface. His eyes seemingly guarded even against penetration by light. His angular ivory-skinned face was white in the icy moonlight. He certainly had something in this light that Tsukasa had never noticed in the daylight. Tomonori seemed far more accustomed to this sort of light. Not like a fabled creature of the night--not some creepy seductive vampire from the myths that teen-aged human girls enjoyed swooning over...but more of a connection to the earth's cycles of day and night, a connection that marked him as utterly and fully human, despite its intimate subtleties to the senses of an eraser... A sense that he was at home in this light, that he had no reason to feel uneasy here. That this light was the common and familiar light of _home._

There were no day and night in the depths of space. And there was no air for sound in it's cold vacuum. But, while the earth's night was sometimes as black, it was **never** so silent as the depths of space. Earth was a constant flurry of sound and movement...just somehow inexplicably _alive_. Even when it's sentient inhabitants were silenced in sleep, the planet's life did not silence. Owls swooping down on silent deadly, padded wings, all manners of insects, and even bats, gliding across the stabs of moonlight with slender wings like blades cutting the air like a knife, the planet was utterly _alive_. Tsukasa felt dead in the midst of so much life... but Tomonori didn't seem dead, he seemed just as alive, despite his quietness...he was accustomed to such abundance--marking him as human in a way that was impossibly complex and difficult for Tsukasa to even try to explain to himself.

Tomonori was every bit as powerfully alive as the rest of his world. The sparks of thought in his sheilded eyes were ever-present marking not only life but sentience and intelligence. He was so full of life that his wiz-dom aura tingled almost electrically against Tsukasa's more subdued eraser aura. He could feel it, humming along with the almost shockingly loud beats of the human's heart and the quiet rush of his breathing. Tsukasa's skin prickled, at once uncomfortably and pleasantly as Tomonori's aura washed over it in steady pulses. Sensitivity in every single one of his five senses, and sensitivity in the mind brought him a sense of life so rich and powerful that he was growing dizzy, almost drunk off it with it's mere contact against his own aura, against his skin. His breath caught in his throat as Tomonori embraced him a bit more tightly against him. That gentle rocking motion adding a kinetic dimension to the life that was enfolding his in it's shadow.

Alive.

That silver light of the moon, although it made Tomonori seem pale as death, only brightened the twin sparks of life in that amazing human's black eyes. It only drew more sharp contrast between what was walled away and what wasn't, within his eyes. One half of his face was illuminated only by the moon, the other illuminated by the dim lamp in the corner of Tsukasa's room, caring but distant in the artificial light of humanity. Compared to his race, that was exactly what he was, he was distant and aloof by their standards. But the moon brought out the deep concern hidden there. He was concerned for Tsukasa. He wasn't distant in the reflected cold truth shed by that satellite in the sky, in fact he cared deeply. To an eraser, a creature born in the lonliness of space, in the silent vacum there, he was deeply concerned, a touch subdued emotionally, but still, quite compassionate, quite kind, a very good person. On earth, even to humans, Tomonori was marked by unusual kindness. But he could be kind and still not like someone, still be strict to them...He was kind even to Itsuki, allowing him to pass his class was more than generous, though to Tsukasa it was quite obvious that he didn't really like Itsuki all that much (which Itsuki never lost a moment pointing out to anyone who would listen). Still, Tomonori treated Tsukasa with genuine liking. He genuinely enjoyed his company...and it wasn't kindness that asked him to stay, that much Tsukasa was sure of by the way he held him, by his sigh of releif. They were friends. Close friends. Even if Tsukasa wished to be more than a friend to Tomonori, the fact was, they were close...

And Tomonori wanted him to stay...

Tomonori cared for him.

It couldn't possibly be the variety of care he wanted! He was careful to remind himself of that, but that he was cared for...it brought a peace to him. Stilling his tears. They fell no longer.

The scabs on his shoulders were tingling with a more intense, almost itching sensation of that electric, living aura over him. Tsukasa frowned inwardly. How strange...that had never happened before, had it? Why was that happening? Weird...

It was so warm, so peaceful there. Hearing the dull heartbeat, feeling the cold in his nose and cheeks, while the rest of him stayed so comfortable and snug in the body heat and embrace of the human he so adored...it was strangely peaceful. The electric human aura washed over him in a dull wave, like a slowed heartbeat, emanating from him and fizzling over Tsukasa's aura. His wings trembled, feathers raising in an instinctive reaction to the aura tingling on his. An alarm mechanism that was long since obsolete in his body. He furled his wings against his head...they were too small for flight, yet felt oddly too large in this room...in this embrace especially. He would have felt a bit more comfortable (as though he could ever be comfortable in this sort of position with Tomonori!) if he were being held like this as a human...blind perhaps in comparison, especially to these electric waves washing over his skin, but if he were human he at least would be of the same species as Tomonori...perhaps his dreams would have been a bit more attainable seeming in that light. Tsukasa's face pinched into an expression of pain. 'That's another reason why I shouldn't be with Tomonori-san...I'm not good enough, first off. And even if I was, we're...we're both guys! That's not something common for humans--especially catholic preists--to feel. And even then...I'm not human! ...so why can't I make myself stop feeling this way about him? I should have more than been able to make myself not do something like this! ...I must be so weak...' He closed his eyes, hiding his face in the black fabric of Tomonori's robe...suddenly frowning as he noticed something.

Why was the cloth so scratched up? Had he been hurt? Had he run into some demons or something when he had left the house? Was he alright? Tsukasa moved his head, and noticed a scratch clear through the fabric of his sleeve, scoring a faint gash on Tomonori's upper arm. A dribble of blood visible in bright red. Tsukasa gave a soft gasp, stiffening. "Tomonori-san! You're bleeding!" Tomonori shifted abruptly "What?" He asked with a soft questioning tone...could that tone be hiding pain? Tsukasa's heart lept into his mouth. What injuries was Tomonori hiding? Were there any serious ones he couldn't see? He scrambled, babbling almost incoherently, "Are you okay Tomonori-san! What happened to you? You aren't badly hurt are you! Who did this to you! What happened?" Tomonori blinked, eyes widening, waited for a moment before something seemed to click just beyond reading in his sheilded eyes, and he gave a short, sudden laugh. Tsukasa's voice abruptly left him with that small lack of control from Tomonori. his cheeks were suddenly hot with the breif second of laughter. His heart was pounding rapidly somewhere near his small intestine as Tomonori gave a faintly amused sounding comment "Hold on now... I'm not hurt. I have a few scratches, but they're nothing serious Tsukasa. Nobody attacked me...I had an interesting run in with a rather badly placed rosebush, but nothing more. You should not be so worried, nothing's going to happen to me." These words and a smile echoed from Tomonori's lips. Tsukasa was dimly aware of those words floating to his ears, but he was still feeling dazed. The split second of laughter and Tomonori's expression were etched in his mind in a continuous loop. His face may have been cooling, but his heart was still hammering fast, down somewhere in his abdomen. He felt his fingertips moving forward, the hot sensation of his healing energy thrumming in his fingertips. He placed his fingers against the scratch in Tomonori's arm. The wound faded within seconds. Tomonori's smile faded into a graver expression he couldn't quite read. Tsukasa's hands each rested on other gashes on the arms that had been holding him, healing them. There was another glimpse of red blood in the human's side, he barely even placed his fingertips to that one, feeling dangerous thoughts at the edge of his conscious mind with the thought of touching Tomonori's body. His face flushed without his knowledge. He looked up at Tomonori. "Tsukasa..." Tsukasa removed his fingertips from the newly healed scratch. He noticed an old wound--one that he had caused, but felt sudden shyness try to beat him down from doing anything about it. Embarrassment. He hesitated, 'It must be painful...I can't just ignore it!' he mustered his courage up then touched his fingertip to the darker spot on Tomonori's lip. Tomonori's eyes visibly widened. His body suddenly tensed. Tsukasa sent a bead of power to him, his wings rising slightly. Tomonori was staring at him with an unreadable expression, confusion, questioning...was that _fear_?... Tsukasa gulped. He didn't expect that strong of a reaction from Tomonori. He quickly put down his hand, backing away from the preist, cautiously looking at him through a shock of blond bangs. Tomonori raised his fingers to his mouth, surprise evident in his face. There was a sudden pause, a silence. "...I wasn't badly hurt..." He said finally, looking almost quizzically at Tsukasa. Tsukasa bowed his head, distancing himself now that Tomonori was not hugging him. "I know..." He sighed. His wings hunched closer to his head. "Tomonori-san...if something happened to you..." Tomonori looked at him, suddenly serious. "Nothing's going to happen to me Tsukasa."Nonetheless, some sort of worry was in his eye. "then what are you afraid of?" Tsukasa asked quietly. Tomonori suddenly stiffened "What?" He said with an edge to his tone that Tsukasa had never heard before. Tsukasa's speech faltered, he stammered. "I-I...You're worried about something...I can see it, Tomonori-san...if you're worried about something happening to you, I want to help you-" Tomonori's body had relaxed, he suddenly interrupted him. "Tsukasa, I'm not worried for myself. I'm far more worried about something happening to you." He frowned. Tsukasa felt his heart hammering. He wasn't even sure why it was doing that now either. He wasn't sure what was running through his confused emotions _at all _for the moment. Tomonori's expression fell into a sort of sad thoughtfulness...still oddly blank without deep thouhts visible behind it "Actually...I suppose that isn't quite a valid thing to do...you _are_ far more powerful than I...you're probably right...If I should be worrying about anybody it should be the weaker of us...that is obviously me...I'm sorry for my trouble Tsuka-" Tsukasa stopped him abruptly "N-No!" He swallowed as Tomonori shut his mouth, looking at him."I mean...that's not what I was trying to say at all Tomonori-san. I just...I just...don't want you to get hurt..." Tsukasa swallowed hard, trying to figure out if he was overstepping his bounds and letting what he felt embarrass Tomonori, but Tomonori was listening to him, and made no move to stop him from speaking. Tsukasa swallowed again before he felt able to speak, he couldn't look Tomonori in the eye as he went on. "When you leave the house...sometimes I don't think you'll ever come back...it scares me to death...I know I'm probably just-I'm just worried, and I know there's probably no reason...but still..." He bit his lip nervously. Tomonori looked at him for a long moment, then reached over a hand, ruffling Tsukasa's hair. Tsukasa tried hard to breathe. "You sound like Kirihara." Tomonori said with a faint wry smile on his face. Tsukasa paled, his wings jerking in horrible shock, eyes widening in horror. Oh God. He was referring to the ever so obvious talks between Kirihara and Kusakabe...she was always so worried that he would die... ANYONE could see that they were boyfirend and girlfriend NOW. WHich meant that Tomonori was probably implying... Tsukasa quickly tried to amend his speech. "I-I-I didn't mean to-" Tomonori waved away his comment with a smile. "Oh, don't worry. I'll fulfill my part. I'm not going to die Tsukasa. And neither are you." He added the last sentance with a pointed glance at him, giving the words in an almost stern tone. Tsukasa swallowed. "Uhmm-I-I-I...O-Okay Tomonori-san." Tsukasa inwardly cringed at his inarticulate speech. Tomonori smiled at him more gently, expression softening, he gently lifted Tsukasa's chin to look at him. Tsukasa's face went a faint shade of pink. He didn't even breathe. Tomonori lowered his hand, voice soft. "I have some hot chocolate downstairs...It probably needs warming by now, but your room is very cold..." He trailed off, an edge of concern in his voice and expression.

"Thank you Tomonori-san." Tsukasa said quietly, letting out the breath he had been holding. His heart sank inwardly as Tomonori gave him a final tousle of hair. He didn't quite know why he wanted to follow...on second thought, he was sure it was mostly the fault of his emotions which were fantasizing about warm kisses flavored with chocolate... He gave himself a mental kick. That wasn't right! But nonetheless, the fantasies filled his head as he dreamily walked down the stairs--after closing the window in his room of course. He paused against the railing of the winding staircase, sighing, wishing away the endless daydreams to dissolve into vapor like his breath in the cold. His imagination was going to get him into trouble someday. He touched his face. It was cold, but he was sure it was flushed anyway. He was possessed of an urge to curse himself, but the thought of what Tomonori would think if he heard him cursing in his house was enough to dissuade him from the halfhearted desire to do something of that sort.

His wings felt strange from being dormant for so long. Despite their birdlike appearence, they didn't feel light. He stumbled. His eyes widened as he caught himself before he fell. 'oh my...I must be tired...I should be more careful. If I don't watch out I could hurt myself.'

He shivered, goosebumps raising on his arms and his unseen stomach. The rest of him aside from his head was protected by a layer of bandages. He covered his arms with white feathers, wrapping his wings like a cloak around him. He still shivered. His bare feet felt numb against the cold tiles of the floor.

Tomonori looked up as he lingered shyly in the doorway of the kitchen. He smiled at him, sending butterflies dancing in Tsukasa's stomach, he had a steaming mug in his hands. His dark hair had fallen across one of his eyes, the hinge of his glasses poking out from the black curtain. Tsukasa felt his face warm. He didn't really belong here in this room with Tomonori did he? But Tomonori gestured him inside, holding out the mug to him."...here...oh dear, you look cold Tsukasa...you really should be wearing something warmer, you could catch a chill."

"um...I will. Thank you Tomonori-san." He said meekly. Tomonori smiled at him, then sat down at the opposite end of the table with a mug of his own. Judging by the smell however, his held coffee rather than hot chocolate.

Tsukasa took a sip. The warm drink tasted wonderful and it's heat was quite comforting. Likely it was a homemade recipie as much of what Tomonori cooked was. And Tomonori's cooking never dissapointed Tsukasa, his food was always delicious. The smells of his sweet drink and Tomonori's coffee filled the air. Somehow it was relaxing. Tsukasa thought back on Tomonori's comment as he held the mug with both hands, taking another tiny sip. He shivered, pulling his wings more closely around him. Tomonori was right, he _was_ cold. And he certainly wasn't supposed to be. He was in the form of Israfel who had survived the depths of space and the flames of atmosphere--a fire that was far worse than his own--and yet he was cold. In this bit of autumn chill, he was cold. Cold enough to gratefully accept the steaming mug from Tomonori, and perch on his chair at the table, sipping it quite contentedly. He soon was lost in his thoughts, staring into the mug. Was he losing something of himself? This feeling of coldness was strange to him. Space was cold. His form was one adapted to space...so why was he cold? He **shouldn't** be cold! He had no choice but to try to think of some explanation.

Lafayel had told him that he could stay here and watch the humans destroy themselves...but what if he somehow became one? He had longed to be a human before...His form was that of an eraser, but his soul was human. Did he really want to become one?

_Angels do have hearts. Try to remember...the power of your heart._

'but human's have hearts too...don't they Tomonori-san?' he thought the question at Tomonori as he closed his eyes, then opened them again on the one who had told him those words. Tomonori was grading a stack of papers, head balanced on the palm of his right hand as his left skimmed over the paper with a red pen, completely absorbed in the task, not noticing Tsukasa's reflective eyes on him. Tsukasa shivered. Those could have easily have been among Tomonori's last words to Tsukasa. He could have _died_ there for him, just so he wouldn't have to fight...but instead... Tsukasa's hands trembled around the warm mug in his hands.

Someone had needed to die there. Instead of Tomonori, it had been Lafayel. He had given his life, almost in a sacrafice. In the end he had done a good--though if he had been alive he would have shown nothing but contempt towards the one who dared say such impudent things to him,if he hadn't flat-out attacked them on the spot. In the end, though he had cursed Tsukasa bitterly, his death had freed Him and Tomonori to go and rescue their master. To this day, so many monthes later, Tsukasa still couldn't hate Lafayel for what he had done...in fact, he hated far more what he had done to the other eraser...

Still...Lafayel was an eraser like him. Gabriel was an eraser like him-no, even more powerful than him! Erasers were often proud of their mighty forms, their potent auras, their reputation for efficient ruthlessness...yet staring at Tomonori--a human, far unlike any eraser Tsukasa had ever met--Tsukasa felt that if he were to become a human, and become like Tomonori, he would be quite content. He quietly sucked in a breath, vapors drifting from his drink and warming his face.

To be a human...to be a part of the immense and overwhelming richness of the life of humanity and it's earth...

Tsukasa stared off into the distance, lost in thought, wondering over the possibility.

To finally have a place where he belonged...

...To be somehow closer to what Tomonori...to hope that he could be that much closer to being worthy of him...

Tsukasa let out the breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. He stared across the table at Tomonori. The human set down his pen for a moment, lifting his mug of coffee to his lips, the steam fogging his glasses. Tomonori lifted his head and removed them, looking tired. Tsukasa looked down before Tomonori could catch him staring. He waited, pulling up his wings to hide himself. Waiting until he heard the dull clink of the mug being put back down and Tomonori returned to his work. Tsukasa stared at Tomonori feeling a blush tinge his cheeks. The man seemed more healthily colored in the soothing yellowish electric lighting of the kitchen, compared to the deathly pale spectre that had so tenderly held him in the light of the moon.

The entire room only seemed to add to the warming of his complexion into something more human looking. The walls were faintly peach, the cabinets made of dull, scuffed wood, though they were clean-if not new. The kitchen table a simple and unadorned surface of plastic the color of coffee with too much milk in it, square with two chairs and a stool tucked to the side where Tomonori liked to put papers as he graded them there. The floor was done in hexogonal dull golden tiles and triangles in a darker reddish color that Tsukasa couldn't quite name. It was clean as ever. The pan that was supposed to be their dinner still lay unattended on the stove, but all else was nearly spotless.

The kitchen was somehow soothing. Comfortable. It lacked the blank slate opportunity of Tsukasa's room--it had a purpose, and a clear one at that, but its purpose could bend. It didn't feel like a rigid, single-function room, in that it served many purposes. Tomonori favored it for his work, indeed he spent much of his time here, but it wasn't quite inviting. It was comfortable, but not relaxing. Tsukasa felt less tense here, but he was far from relaxed. He parted his wings to shyly peek and see if Tomonori was still looking at him.

The older human was unaware of Tsukasa's eyes on him, his eyebrows tensed into a frown of concentration. Tsukasa felt something dancing in his stomach. He looked away as Tomonori shifted. Tsukasa's cheeks felt warm. 'I've got to stop doing stuff like this...it isn't fair to Tomonori-san...' But nonetheless he put down his mug quietly, and watched Tomonori grade. It was quiet except for the insects and other night creatures chirping in the cold outdoors, the scratching of Tomonori's pen, and the faint sound of their breathing that Tsukasa's sensitive eraser ears could hear. Tsukasa put his chin down on the table, careful not to harm the wings sprouting from just behind his ears. Tomonori's hair had fallen accross his face in a curtain again. He put up a hand to pull away the hair, but his eyes glanced up at Tsukasa. Tsukasa blushed, unable to hide the fact that he'd been staring at Tomonori. Tomonori gave him a smile. "Are you feeling better?" He asked. Tsukasa sighed. He still wanted to fly, he was still cold, he still ached inside, longing for some way to have his feelings for Tomonori returned, but he answered "A bit." Turning his head away so Tomonori wouldn't see his gloominess behind the fake smile. Tomonori frowned, removing his glasses again, cleaning them with the hem of his robe. "Tsukasa..." he trailed off, suddenly serious. "are you going to be alright?" he asked quetly.

Tsukasa looked down into his hot chocolate. The lack of a layer of plastic between him and Tomonori's eyes made a frustrating lack of impact on his inability to read Tomonori's emotions in those dark eyes. Would he be okay? He sighed. "...maybe." He answered softly, folding his arms across the tabletop and setting his head down on it. Tomonori said nothing...confused? Tsukasa watched him through his bangs. Tomonori looked at him with concern. "If there's anything I can do..." Tsukasa nearly laughed out loud. Anything he could do? He had enough daydreams about Tomonori without him lavishing Tsukasa with attention...Tsukasa looked at him for a long moment. What did he fear the most?

"Tomonori-san...don't change...that's how you could help me...don't become a different person." Tomonori blinked in surprise. There was a long moment of silence. Tsukasa cringed inwardly. 'oh no...what does he think I'm implying that he's changing!' Tomonori smiled. "I'll always be here for you. That won't change." He pulled out his glasses, inspected them, and found them adequate, slipping them over his eyes again. Tsukasa felt his face warming, he had to look away. "No matter what happpens...we are still family." Tsukasa felt his heart sink at the words that had once brought him such comfort. He had dared to want more than just a father...he wanted more... But nonetheless, Tomonori meant to stand by him. That was comfort--though a small one. But it proved to be comfort enough to lift his gloom. He felt his face brightening, giving a trembly smile to Tomonori. Tomonori's smile went just slightly wider, "That's my Tsukasa." He said fondly. Tsukasa nearly gasped. 'HIS Tsukasa...He called me HIS!' Tomonori however was seemingly oblivious or unphased by what was running accross Tsukasa's expression. "Are you tired? You've had a rough day..." Tsukasa shook his head in his arms. His large eyes peeked shyly out from his wings. "...can I stay here for a while? Can I watch you work?" Tomonori blinked. "Of course...Tsukasa." Tsukasa blushed behind his wings, laying his head to rest comfortably in the cradle made by his own arms. Tomonori hesitated at first, thinking it mildly odd, but soome enough he was back to working without a second thought. Tsukasa smiled, the gesture hidden behind his arms and his wings. Somehow in this place, just the comfort of knowing that Tomonori had stood by him, despite his despicable actions was enough to bring him some peace. He watched the human intently scribble some note pointing out an error in an equation's solution. Tsukasa felt strangely relaxed all of a sudden. 'hm...when did I get so sleepy?' He could feel his eyelids drooping shut. He would worry about his problems tomorrow. As long as he had Tomonori with him, he just somehow felt everything would be alright. He slipped into sleep, putting faith in the hope that Tomonori's prescence would be more than intimidating enough to frighten away any nightmares that might have hoped to torment him. Drifting away into the velvet embrace of the land of dreams.

**

* * *

**

**(((end of part five)))**

Don't freak out...this isn't the end. It's the completion of another PART. Simple. I'll have a temporary standstill for updates over the summer, but upon school's resumption, I intend to update rapidly. How many parts are there? Dunno, I'm clueless...originally it was supposed to be around seven-ish, but that has been blown to Ammit and back, so it's probably bound to ramble onward forever...How unfortunate for the people becoming sick of me already...

(sigh) okay, finally! I update!

Pardon my language, but:

I swear to Ptah, Bastet, Setesh, Ra, and Anubis weighing souls on the scales... am an F-ing fic machine!

(there I said it!)

I am a FIC **DEMON**!

...um...think Raenef V... (cough cough--a big box of tomatoes to the person who can identify the manga he comes from!) Oy. One pathetic demon, but hey...anyway-

THE CHAPTERS HAUNT ME IN MY SLEEP! YE GADS I'M A FREAK!

(screams and runs off into the distance)

(cough) hey whaddaya know? It's gone! I'm not speaking in shakespearean english anymore! (mutters about her A.D.D.-ness)

I know. I'm still grounded so this is probably the last update before summer vacation (in which everyone will get a break from my pointless drivel) so I hope it lasts--which it should, as it's over twenty pages long. (heheh...oops) I promise, the instant I get back, I shall update once more. But I suppose I should cross that bridge of promises when I'm within spitting distance...mmhm.

A momentary question. Is it simply my insanity catching the better of me, or are my beloved characters going down the dreaded path of the OOC?(wince)

Really. I think they are. I looked back over my chapters, and they just don't seem quite right anymore...So naturally I went over this one with a weed whacker. (translation: I looked over it with a hawk's eye) Seriously, if the characters still seem OOC, will someone tell me and maybe give me a point where they noticed some seriously out of character behavior. I promise I won't get mad or anything about someone telling me my writing sucks if it really does. I'm reading over the mangas for the upteenth time trying to get back to the natural. Someone be critical for me please! My human nature denotes that there will be problems I fail to notice, so please tell me the ones you see...aside from bad punctuation--I know that's bound to come up somewhere. And also aside from any typos I may have missed...hey, gimmie a break, I look over this thing at least twice before posting, but I always change so much each time that it's nearly impossible to keep it prescise and perfect every single time. (MistyStarlight? The beta reader thing would be great.)

(sigh) as for the OOC-ness...well...

**parody on my own writing: **

NF: (pops in on Tsukasa&Tomonori sitting close to each other and talking innocently about the weather) HEY, YOU TWO! STOP GOING OOC ON ME! (screams at a pigeon)

Tsukasa&Tomonori: (jump at the loud shout and accidentally bump heads)

Tsukasa: (hand on his head) ouch! Oh dear! I'm so sorry Tomonori-san!

Tomonori: (rubs forehead) No really, it's nothing...are you alright Tsukasa?

Tsukasa: Oh no...you're bleeding... (heals his forehead)

Tomonori: (blushes) No really it's... (trails off)

Tsukasa: (big eyed and red in the face) Tomonori-san...

Tomonori: Tsukasa...

(random rampant snogging ensues after a long moment of awkward silence in which they just stare at eachother without cause)

NF: (sweatdrops once she catches sight of the two main characters for her story making out for no apparent reason) Hey! Where'd all this come from?

Tomonori&Tsukasa: (really not paying attention...lots of random descriptiveness of absolutely nothing scrolls down the side of the screen)

NF: (doesn't like being ignored)...um...is it really nessecary for you two to make out right in front of me! Oh never mind...come on, confess your stupid undying love for one another already why don't you... (mutters to self)

Tomonori&Tsukasa: (finally stop trying to pull the skin off eachother's faces) (collective gulp)

Tomonori:...uh...let's pretend that didn't happen!

Tsukasa: (gulp) um...yeah! um...oh gee! I think my amnesia's kicking in again!

Tomonori: and I think I should be making some dinner now...

(both walk off whistling nervously)

NF:(blink)...what's wrong with you two morons! DO SOMETHING! You're so CLOSE! Isn't it obvious! SAY SOMETHING!

(is ignored steadfastly as both guys start thinking depressing things, and gain massive guilt trips for no apparent reason.)

NF: (sigh)...what's the matter with those two?

Tsukasa: (outright drooling at Tomonori)

Tomonori: (pretending to cook dinner while really daydreaming about Tsukasa)

NF: (sweatdrop) oh I give up! You two are hopeless, NOW STAY IN CHARACTER! (storms out)

Tsukasa: Um...Tomonori-san? Who was that?(stares at him in an almost stalkerish way)

Tomonori: (no expression)...I don't know...Tsukasa...what are you doing?

Tsukasa: (stops drooling and glomps him)

Tomonori: ...Ts-Tsukasa! (red in the face)

(stare at eachother for an inhumanely long time as more descriptive stuff scrolls down the screen)

NF: (seething) Don't do THAT! OH GAD! THAT'S IT! FROM NOW ON I'LL GIVE THAT EFFEMINATE ANGEL TO HIS OWN KIND! NEVER AGAIN I SAY! NEVER AGAIN!-OW!

Tomonori: (knocks her out with a peice of chalk at long distance) (looks unexpectedly angry)

Tsukasa: (clutches him clingily) Noooo! I don't want to love anyone else other than you Tomonori-san! eep! (clamps hands over mouth) uh-er...I didn't say that!

Tomonori: (seething) Give him to his own kind indeed! What she would do to my Tsukasa...(overly protectively petting his head) If that crazy girl puts another thing with wings near him I swear, I'll send her down to the ninth circle of damnation! And the idiot featherduster she sends can go with her!

Tsukasa: um...Tomonori-san? (blushing while really thinking about how great Tomonori looks when he's angry about something and other such pervy thoughts)

Gabriel: (weirded out...backs away into a corner)

Lafayel: FOOL! ISRAFEL SHALL BE MINE! (nice long maniacal cackle)

NF: (grins in the distance) and there goes my favorite bad guy off to get his ass kicked again...

Shiba: (gasps) such language!

NF: oops...

(sounds of NF getting beat to shreds with a basketball echo in the distance)

Gabriel: (sweatdrop) Lafayel...all that tight clothing's cut off the circulation to your head. I thought you hated Tsukasa...

Lafayel: How dare you mock me vermin! I LOATHE him...I WILL KILL HIM! (more cackling)

Tsukasa: (freaked out) eep!

Tomonori: (hiding him in one of those pathetically touching scenes)

Gabriel: ah... (blinks)You're an idiot. You know that right?

Lafayel: FOOL I WILL DESTROY YOU! (crackly lighting hands)

Gabriel: (sweatdrop) uh huh...sure...um... what's with the scarf?

Lafayel: DON'T MOCK MY SCARF! (jumps on Gabriel)

Tsukasa: oh! Poor Gabriel!

Tomonori: ...oh...you like him...well...I suppose I should have known...(suddenly gloomy)

Tsukasa: huh? NO! (shocked)

Tomonori: oh...really? You mean...you and he...

Tsukasa: n-no, it's nothing like that!

Tomonori: Oh Tsukasa...

Tsukasa: Tomonori-san...

(moment of awkward silence)

(Gabriel and Lafayel bicker while Tomonori and Tsukasa smooch it up for no apparent reason and Nerofeces lies dead on the edge of the screen, and Shiba skips happily off into the distance with his basketball plotting ways to confess his feelings to Kirihara--hooray happy ending. Love has conquered the bounds of rampant stupidity! Oh freakin joy! Like you didn't see that coming!)

_No erasers were harmed in the making of this parody!_

**parody stops rolling**

(sigh)

It all just seems a touch flat now that I look at it, not at all the way I intended it originally...the original ending might need some adjustments, or I can tread the citrus-y line (you know what that means-the sexual stuff) and really...I think Tsukasa's a touch to naive to realize-if he wanted Tomonori that way-that he actually meant it that way...I mean he's just so dang innocent...He could probably get a hard-on, and not know what was going on...(pardon my bluntness)

Secondly, Tomonori's so protective of Tsukasa that I actually beleive he would rather die than allow himself to do anything like that to/with Tsukasa...but...my idea might still keep them at once IC and (heheh) a touch less on the pure side. (smirk) we'll see how this turns out. Tsukasa thus far seems to be the stronger drawn of the two. Tomonori's wavering. It's all in all going to get a touch psycological as they both struggle with denial.(grin) oh goodie. Gotta love that denial.

...hmm...well. I'm working on this story's plot. I have a beginning, a bit of middle and the end, but in between there are a lot of possible places it could go. Hopefully there will be a lot less of stuff like that parody above where it all just seems like an excuse for them to begin snogging each other. (though the parody is an obvious exaggeration) Personally, though it may be fun to read stuff like that for some people, it's not exactly the type of empty plotless thing I want to be known for writing...heheh, I typically reserve that for my mindless humor stories.

But still, thanks guys for all the support! I feel loved! I'll work on J.O. writings over the summer...I have a few ideas floating in my head, so expect an explosion upon my return.

Hey! one question! Has anyone else thought of Lafayel/Tsukasa? Weird pairing I know, but hey...that's me (hooray for love/hate relationships! It's great angst fuel.) I'm all for Yi-xin/Itsuki and other such odd things so this really doesn't come as much of a surprise to me, but am I the only one with such a twsted mind filled with feces? I mean...aside from the obvious, it being my name and all. Gabriel/Tsukasa I hadn't thought about, and I basically ignored Itsuki/Kaname, but everything else has been freely juicing up in the crap of my mind.

heheh...one way to find out if anyone else thinks the same... (evil snickering) I'll give a tomato to the person who can think up the weirdest pairing! (wink) Who knows, maybe I could even write a ficlet for it...depends, inspiration may strike if poked hard enough in the eye!

...woah...maybe I need to think of a humor fic (cross eyed) I'm going loopy and cabin-fevered over here when I really shouldn't be...

Still. Thanks to everyone! Kindly keep reading, it makes me so happy...I have to tell all my plants! (plants wave in the breeze)

See? You make their lives exciting too!

_**Reveiw responses:**_

**alex's little duckling**: this was actually really good while sucking?...(blink) hmm. That probably only sounded perverted in my mind. I rock your socks...well...okay! What kind of socks? STRIPES! bwahahaaaaa! (cough cough) okay, I'm done trying to be an idiot.Thanks! Oh...if you still wish to express admiration to this depthless loser, then...okay, my soul-powered cd player seems to have run out. If you wish to give me your soul, or perhaps run around stealing other people's souls and give those to me to usue to power my stupid cd player, that would be quite adequate. (an ego problem? me? you must be mistaken.) Thanks for the two reveiws! that made my day today! Have a blood flavored lolipop for reveiwing twice! (jams lollipop in 'the little duckling's mouth) cheerio. (cackles and cartwheels away)

**SatoXDai/KazaXRikuou:** Ach nooo! Dangit, if only I didn't write my reveiw responses just as I'm about to update! Oh cruel fate! Unfortunately it's a tad too late to adjust this chapter...beleive me, I would try, I know it's going to be horribly distracting for you, but I really don't think there's all that much I can do about it...I write with descriptiveness. I ramble. I couldn't be more sorry for it either. Constructive critisism is BEAUTIFUL! (grin) Do I detect a legal drug pairing in your name? KazahayaXRikuou is awesome stuff! (wink) Maybe I'll have to work on that sort of thing too... Forgive me for not complying with your request, I shall try to do better in the next chapter. My apologies, and ooooo! Are you from the dark side? I heard they had cookies...never quite beleived that the force could do much for one's baking skills though...hmm. What kind of cookies are we talking about? (wicked smirk)

**Stargabe**: Glad you liked it! I updated as soon as possible...the summer will likely kill you if you're a speedy update desirer though...hopefully the next chapter's quality will suffice more than adequately for a replacement. Thank you!

**keitokyokun:** Tortured yes, but for a worthy cause! (grin) Glad you liked it...Doth mine eyes deceive me, or did you actually waste time giving me TWO reveiws? ...oooo...I'm tempted to give into my forbidden desires to glomp you to suffocation for wasting that much time on TWO occasions rather than one...I feel giddy like a SCHOOL GIRL! Oh wow! Between you and Lumchang I'm going to have to rent an airplane to catch my swelling ego! (big grin) Here. Since you two seem to waste more time on my stupidity than others do, have a blood flavored lollipop! (it doubles as a way to reel in darklore demons to sic on rival fangirls!) A tip of the hat to you...and I'm not wearing a hat...ooookay...uhhh...right. Thank you very much!

**Ryzuki**: thank you! Updates are only natural. (smile) you don't expect me to make this suddenly end on a cliffhanger of doom do you? I'm typically good at updating... (I hope) Please keep reading if you like it!

**Botan**:You think so? I'm glad. I didn't really expect for people to like this so much...(blushes) Really, Thank you very much. Updates are a given typically on Fridays. The schedule may change over the summer because my internet access is limited to school. (wince)

**Nevercry**: Descriptive eh? Well, it takes some imagination to bring said descriptions to life, you must have pretty good visualization if it's vivid enough for you to 'be there'. It's one of the greatest complimants a writer can receive to learn that someone can see what they envison through their words. You have my respect! Tell me if you can see the kitchen eh? (giggles) my name? With my 'descriptiveness' shouldn't it be obvious? I imagine _that_ particular name gave you an interesting mental picture as well. (grin) The excrement of my mind...well what does my mind give off but overly descriptive stories? One could say that this story is one such case of mental excrement...(cackle) ...yep, some pretty good cranial poo huh? Thank you for such a fun, even humorous reveiw. It made me laugh...but I've always had a bit of a sick sense of humor, so that could just be me. ...such a cheerful person writes angst...uh huh, I confuse myself. (swirly eyes) updates are on fridays when schedule permits...ye gads, I said that didn't I? I'm becoming worried by all the people begging updates...I DID promise them didn't I? Heh. Is this where I ask about _your_ name? Poor Tsukasa would do well to learn from you...(rolls eyes) He seems to be weeping all over the place this chapter... Hmm...better go check and see if you have angst fics like I do with everyone else with cool names... (drools at the thought of angst)

**pell-mell**: glad you liked it! Yeah, Amou-kun's eyes seem to change colors all over the place in the story, which confused me to no end at first, so I took a bit of creative liberties. ie: making his eyes a mostly gray sort of hazel...honestly, can you TELL what color his eyes are supposed to be? I couldn't find two pictures the same... But if you look at certain pictures (particularly the cover of book five) his eyes look sorta reflective...mirror-ish even...(smirk) more creative liberties at work there. Looking over the work, I've got to say, the description of his eyes is one of my best thus far. Thank you! Updates are every friday for the next two weeks at least...until the summer, then I dont know what I'll do...but I'll probably figure out something...

Wish me a bit of luck, and drop a reveiw if you have a suggestion, a complaint, a general statement of my insanity, or perhaps an anvil...

(blink)

Okay...Yeah, you heard me! Drop an anvil in your reveiw!

Really...anvils are cool! Can't have enough anvils! Right? Oh, captive bishounan angst slaves?

(Captive juvenile orion boys entangled in a web of angst all nod tiredly)

(Neurofeces, the anti-fan, cackles maniacally, as the fangirls writhe in agony, screaming)

Free the bishies! Drop anvils on me! Waste some time typing and looking anxiously behind your shoulder! REVEIW! (hits the 'fanfare' button to make it sound more appealing)

mmmm...it gives me the warm fuzzies when people reveiw...

um...which in turn give me the creeps...(shudders) ugh...FUZZIES!

(big grin)

enjoy your next chapter! With all the time I have on my hands it should be a good one! (someone flings an anvil)

woah! (ducks)

Hmm...

Time to go water my plants...actually, strawberries are good conversationalists compared to many of the people I know. I may not speak as well as I think, but that seems to be true in the case of most people. So...

Reveiw! it makes my plants dance with happiness! and don't forget to give me the weirdest pairing you can think of--simply curiosity to see if I'm the perviest of the lot of you or not. (wink)

Dancing plantshappy neurofecesgood chapter!

Ah math. Tomonori-san would be so proud. (smirk)

bye until august! (it'll be worth it, don't worry!)


	6. 6 Replace: Tomonori

I LIIIIIIIIIVE! (lighting crashes and duckies squeak)

(crickets)

Ah...Good old chapter six...

...Right. (sounds bored and tired)

Mmmhmm...Heheh, oh don't mind me. I'm just being a grump. Angst-Demon me, doesn't like to write sappy stuff unless I have to (Don't want people to get the wrong impression or figure out what a loser I am...ha ha ha. (nervous laughter))

It's been a long time. A few months I believe. Lots of things have happened for me. This doesn't mean that I've forgotten the story (no, quite the contrary.) but what I'm worried about is that in such a short span of time, my writing style may have changed dramatically (it does that to me, it's rather alarming personally) so more what I'm worried about is having this go all non sequiter (not the comic—I'd rather like that—I mean in the sense of a conclusion that does not logically follow) I don't want my characters to suddenly act different, so please, go over it razor fine this chapter and tell me if something's strange (like a sudden seeming 'time change' in how a character views another, that sort of thing.) I've already caught myself pulling supernatural elements into possible later chapters, which means I may or may not have to rewrite, I'm not sure if they all work together yet. If I sound rather frazzled, it's because I am. I'm looking forward to school so I can RELAX.

This also unfortunately means that there may be delays in posting…ie. I may no longer be able to keep my update-a-week schedule. At the worst, it may become once a month (NOOOOO!) I still don't quite know which direction I'm taking this. It's not writers block…it seems to be the opposite, I have so many ideas that I'm having trouble trying to pick out the one that best follows.

(awkward silence)

And for the time being, I seem to have lost my mind (oh damn.)

But I do have one thing I want to share as a tidbit for my story. I've done it again on the eyes. I think I have another winner. It's fun to describe Tsukasa's eyes because since he's not human, I don't have to make them plain like a human's. I can do things with him that would never have been possible to describe had it been anyone else.

Can anyone tell why I love writing for Juvenile Orion? It gives me all sorts of possibilities that would have been impossibly perfect or beautiful for a more ordinary human to possess. Bwahahaaa! (cackles in glee)

I've got to find more ways to make people into angels… (grins)

(sigh)

For future reference, whenever something so called 'humorous' like this (points below) happens, that's just me being a turd-I mean being my normal wiseacre weird self of course. Ha ha ha! I said nothing strange! (cough))

My speculations on possible reasons for receiving almost obscene numbers of reviews:

1) I am in the twilight zone/the matrix and all these wonderful reviews are in my head and I'm in a padded cell cackling maniacally and banging my head against stuff. (nope. too everyday of an instance...)

2) I am a solipsist and I am the only real person in the entire universe and everything else is just a figment of my elaborate imagination, in which case, a disclaimer would be redundant and pointless because I have in fact written Juvenile Orion and Sakurako Gokurakuin is just an elaborate thought of mine designed to amuse myself. (I believe this one least of all the list because Solipsism is not the religion I follow at the moment...and it's a little ego centric even for me...)

3) Angsty moody romance really sells the fangirls and I should make TXT t-shirts to sell on the street to pave my way through college and a degree in psychology, after which I can psychoanalyze the world at my leisure. (I wish, but it's probably true.)

4) People think I'm a guy and are secretly in love with me and my mad writing skillz. Word. (Gosh I hope not! That's like one of those shojo crossdresser romance mangas I pretend not to acknowledge the existence of...oro!)

5) Tomonori and Tsukasa have visited these poor blokes in epic dream visions telling them to go to egypt and read fanfiction for a living, and they were spiritually guided to read my fic and are now using it as a soap opera romance for dummies-style manual... (This I somewhat doubt, but still believe over the solipsist idea at any rate.)

6) My proboscis monkey brethren have finally secured control over the hierarchy and are showing me their support by pretending to be real, cool people. (er...noseness!)

8) the number seven is evil and splits apart happy bishounan slash couples.(noooooooo!) It deserves having it's penmarks bashed in with a day old preservative-less loaf of french bread...(DIIIIIIIIIEEEEE!) Oh...heheh...yeah...umm...and one of my plants ate me and I'm hallucinating as I am digested into compost. (boy does life suck for me if THAT's true)

9) People think I am a really great hetero writer trying to create a profile in the closet, and live a double life. (This is actually close to true, except I was an anti-romance angst/humor writer...this couple destroyed any chance of that quite effectively. TXT weirded out my life! It can do the same to yours! But I doubt people guessed that, so I don't think much about this idea.)

10) people like me in reviews, but are secretly banding together into an anti Neurofeces club, and burning strawberries, and hexing my herb garden, and leaving threatening yaoi pictures of Tomonori and Tsukasa with other partners in my box, and really hope I will choke on a plant and die so they don't have to read this crap any longer (Er...I REALLY hope not... My mail lady's kinda weird anyway, she'd probably burn my mailbox. And getting such pictures would make me want to run away to Canada where I can be attacked by marmosets because I really don't look at that sort of stuff…contrary to popular belief.)

...(crickets)...

um...ANYWAY... (feels much better now)

Congratulations for surviving the summer in agony! (wince) or...maybe I'm being overconfident (gee, you think?) but thanks for waiting!

(insert shameless plug)If you've read my humor fic 'Sex ed' which would have probably humored you quite well over the summer (it turned out being one of my best humor stories ever penned. quite good, even for me)--and likely still will now if you haven't read it--the wait may have gone more (or possibly less) smoothly...if the people who told me to update fast are any evidence, I'm probably going to get tarred and feathered for DARING to go on vacation--THREE visits with family! This was the busiest summer in my life no joke! My grandparents kidnapped me on a trip to California for a week. Literally across the country for me, because I live in way southern Florida. (not like I had any choice of going or not) And my family still complained I was acting like a hermit--this story's really running out of me as fast as the food in Mexico! But I went over this chapter probably twenty times and it steadily grew and grew in length until it was _really_ long...twenty pages last I checked (I get really into the whole Tomonori-guilt thing...I admit it.) But hopefully the next chapter is long too...I hoped maybe I could get more done...but it seems I just went perfectionistic again so i have only certain chapters that are insanely long and a few others which are sad, but more normal and readable. (sigh) oh well. Plus I don't even know if I'll keep them.(clears throat nervously) Like I said, delays. Maybe I should pray or writers block so I actually pick something. This is like the third time I've completely revamped the story and am left with unused chapters that I have to junk. Oro.

Someone wish me some luck getting a good place to be decisive. I mean, do I trash them, or delay them, or just use them? Oro oro oro. (grabs head tsukasa-style)

I think I'm having a meltdown. (eye twitches)

_...And now, what is undoubtedly on everyone's mind--THE PARAGRAPHS!_ (ominous lighting and screaming temporal doom, etc, etc...) Yeah, I know! (wrings hands) I try and try and TRY to get them short, but I get caught up in the story I'm writing so much that I just read and read and write and write and make a spelling error which I fix in the next twenty seconds! And write...and look it over, and write. Then...finally the chapter ends. I still can't sleep. Viewpoint change! CLICK! More obsessive writing! Squee!

(sigh)...yeah...My writing schedule is loony...meaning, there IS none unless it's self assigned, so naturally it's chaos. I sometimes don't take the time I should to try to unravel the end of a thought and smoothly transition--but not so smoothly that it seems the ideas would have been better together--into the other paragraph...gee. I really should take up the offer I got for a beta reader, but when I'm done with something, I don't like to let it sit. If I do, I might forget about it. (Forget Control? How is such a thing ever possible! NOOOOOO!)

er...I know I'm crazy, I know I'm weird, but I AM trying. Honestly. Forgive me if I make mistakes, but I like things to stay done. And if I start revising something, I may end up completely changing the story...I see it enough with just my _chapters_. Each time I start to alter something it makes things just a little bit different. The control I have now, completely tossed out the original chapters three through six that I had when I started off. I'd rather not risk the possible damage because it might stick me in a serious rut later. I don't think it's safe for me to start looking over my shoulder. heh. I get distracted too. Please forgive my past errors, but I really am afraid to try to fix them, because I'll start reading and typing, and before I know it, the new chapter will be just...strange...

(gulp)

But hey...I told you it wasn't the end! (stands up grinning stupidly, and gets punted across the website by aggravated reveiwers who are tired of listening to her ranting)

reveiwers: JUST GET TO THE POINT! WE WANNA READ! WE'VE BEEN WAITING ALL SUMMER!

fangirls: (squeal) TXT! (wave flags and show off slogans) WE LOVE TXT!

NF: (blink)...er...that's new (waves sheepishly at the fangirls)...um, sorry! (waves down reveiwers) Okay! I'm going! please don't kill me! (rubs backside) oww...

Just to make up for it:

(random bishounan dance across the screen doing the cancan)

Neurofeces: (runs after them blindfolded for her own mental chastity's sake) GAAAAAH! PUT ON SOME CLOTHES! (runs into a pole) OW!

Reveiwers: O.O! holy crap!

fangirls: (drooling/passed out with nosebleeds)

that mental image probably puts me back in everyone's good graces (or has made select people with non-perverted minds want to lynch me...(gulp))

_Dedications:_

_Many thanks to **MistyStarlight**', who never ceases to help me with my japanese problems on LiveJournal, and show me groups I never knew existed such as 'kanji of the day'. You are awesome beyond reckoning, and know so much more about the anime/manga subculture and world than I could ever hope to catch up with, but thank you anyway for imparting what small parts of it you have shown me! Half the fun of putting up new chapters is bragging about them to you afterwards. And basically being annoying as heck. Thanks for putting up with my insanity so good naturedly! I'm working on your fluff! Sappiness! And um…bad poetry. (shrug) _

_To **Argent Inluminai** who gave me the longest, and most interesting review, and reassured me that everything I hoped to bring into the story is indeed getting out to people on the other side! You make me shout out 'yeah!' in the middle of a quiet library full of sane people and therefore ruin any hope I might have had of being adopted by the librarians (Don't worry, they still love me…). Thank you for keeping me crazy! Thanks for the awesome pocky and kudos...You made the bishies very happy and well fed!--see the end for the final fate of your thoughtful gifts and a full long rant in return from me! I salute you!_

_To Emily who will never read this (at least I hope she doesn't, she would probably have to go off to confession or whatever Jews have that's the equivalent…poor girl) But thanks for the laptop with Microsoft Word! _

_To the **YGOverse** icon making community on LiveJournal, which unknowingly enlarges my poetry library each week, and inadvertently directed me to the perfect lines I used this chapter some monthes ago. (and keeps my personal icon stash full of poetic lines (smirk)) _

_And to **every single person who stumbled upon my fic this summer** **and cared to leave a review telling me to update soon, and that they liked the story, and my paragraphs suck**,(ha ha ha) your wish is granted, glad you like it, and yes, I know... Giggles and Gratis. Take a strawberry or a fresh pineapple slice for your troubles. Forget citrus! Pineapple is better! ORANGES!_

Disclaimer: I'm not a solipsist. I am not responsible for **Sakurako Gokurakuin's **creations. (which is probably a good thing, because as an American, lily-white, rocker/goth/nerd chick with protestant backgrounds, the very use of an Islamic Archangel like Israfel would probably mean a bomb in my garden, planted by the plant expert division of the Islamic radicals. No offense to any brits of course. We Americans are worried, and praying for you guys. But _really_...)

I _am_ responsible for all the situations all these poor characters seem to be getting themselves into, blame me for their horrible lives thus far and for their agony getting worse and worse in later chapters. The poem portion is not mine, but that's already noted. Neither is **Alice in Wonderland **for the quote on cats and kings, that honor is due to Lewis Carroll who is weirder than I am by two whiskers, the jack of spades, and a rook. The verse about hope ('Sometimes the bravest thing...is to hope') is not mine either. It is taken from a spoken poem on a cd by the band **Brave Saint Saturn** entitled "**Atropos**". Or my cousin's computer (affectionately dubbed 'babycakes') where I first burned the mix CD that held the line and the song..._In other words, if you see me under a bridge asking for change, old mangas, or good report cards, don't be surprised because I own absolutely nothing and am otherwise a complete and total geek and loser with my finger up my nose_! (sigh) Great, now I'm depressed, nice job, you should be ashamed of yourself! Now the chapter's going to be angstier! Hmph. I hope you're happy (winks and smirks)

**Warnings: Shounan-ai (DUH! You should know that by now!), um… cutesy fluff (cringe) mingled with angst, some less than pure thoughts, low self esteem/self image problems, mild swearing (not much worse than usual but more common), excessive thinking which leads to a state of panic and heightened stress and other unhealthy things...(though knowing the world there's probably a pill for that too which won't work for those with liver or kidney disease (eye roll)), intense personal guilt, some slightly uncleam speculation, rather worthy of the 'T' rating I gave it...**

**To all those who like Tomonori-san. I present you with a deeply psycho-babble-ish chapter in his POV. For all those who've been wanting me to simplify things...um...you're going to hate me more...and um sorry. You are officially allowed to flame me. (just remember I reply to everything (cough)) **

**Enjoy, and remember to sip with a swizzle stick. Pinkies out blokes! TXT goodness!**

-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-

_"If it's possible, I want eternal time_

_But, I'm not an Angel_

_Which is surrounded by white eternity_

_I'm not a Devil_

_Which is shadowed by eternal rage_

_I'm just a human_

_Who is more and more fragile of time_

_Who is chained by my own mind"_

_-Henritsu, THE LIMITED TIMES _

'why is he looking at me like that?' Tomonori's eyes glanced over the flushed face of the dear eraser on the other side of the table. His mind responded sarcastically before he could stop it, 'Why do you think _Dumbass_! He kissed you! He's got a crush on you for some unapparent reason and you think it odd that he's looking at you?' Tomonori blinked for a moment, then quickly sent a small prayer for forgiveness from his sin of profanity.

'you mustn't overreact. This will pass. If you panic...it could just get worse.'

He paused in the act of pushing his hair away from his eyes and caught Tsukasa staring at him. He promptly forgot his own internal advice.

Tsukasa! Staring! At HIM!--His expression as rapt as though Tomonori was something glorious, something wonderful...

He felt his stomach twist.

Nervousness. Fear. Shock. Unease.

Something wriggling within him that he could not explain, an unease he couldn't shake off. It happened more and more frequently as his gaze met Tsukasa's, that same jolt in the pit of his stomach...

He couldn't take this much longer. How had Tsukasa even survived this long?

'Oh...Don't look at me like that Tsukasa. Please don't look at me that way! I can't stand to disappoint you so badly when I fail to be all you think I am...please...for both of us...don't look at me...don't look at me!' Tomonori whispered in his head, fighting the urge to cringe. 'I would never fulfill what you think I can do...please, don't do this...'

Oddly enough, the quote from Alice in Wonderland came to mind.

_A cat may look at a king..._

Tomonori shook it off uneasily. He was hardly greater than Tsukasa in any respect. And definitely not good enough to merit such..._adoration..._

No king...no indeed not even the cat...perhaps a simple card? Two of spades, dark, unnoticeable and next to worthless in most games, and not even in the book. The book was about the suit of hearts anyway. Spades never even came into play in the story. And Tsukasa...a king he didn't so much as dare to look in the eye...

hmm...Off with his heart...

He banished the oddly out of place thoughts from his mind (english literature? Where did that come from? Was he losing his mind?)

He wished he could say what he was thinking. He wished he was brave enough--or even foolish enough-- to say what was running through his head, to say exactly why they shouldn't, or even _couldn't_ let something like this happen...

'Say something. Before it's too late. Before this goes too far.' He told himself in a moment of fancy. 'do it!'

But that would mean certain death. It was also impossible. It was impossible for him to ever not overthink things, impossible for him to lower his guard long enough to let the words spill.

It was already too late. He had already stopped himself with the thought of Tsukasa's hurt at those unchecked words, already stopped himself as he realized he was arguing with himself.

If he was ever even able to let down his guard, it would only hurt people. That was why he always thought before he spoke, why he checked his emotions before they registered...only it had never felt like it cost him something before...

He could never tell Tsukasa not to do something, even if he was hurt by it. Even if it destroyed him accidentally, if it broke his own guarded heart, he could never shield himself if it would cost Tsukasa something--anything...

Sacrifice of self...one of his many weaknesses.

He couldn't hurt Tsukasa, not by action or inaction. He simply couldn't let such a thing come to pass. He would give his life in place of the young eraser's without a second thought. And that was one of the _only_ things he never gave a second thought...He'd never realized what a problem it was.

That lack of extra thought was the chink he couldn't seal away in his emotional wall. Tsukasa could find it and peer through...and see...

But if he saw, it would doom them. This romance couldn't be...if Tsukasa saw...this seed planted deep within him, hidden in his heart might swell upwards and beyond all control. To flower but never produce fruit. This seed must remain barren and hidden away.

He had to be extra careful..._everything_ grew for Tsukasa...

_This couldn't be._

That was why this couldn't happen. He would be trapped into something his morals and his religion told him was utterly wrong, while his heart wavered between wanting to be with Tsukasa--which would make him happy, which was all he ever wanted to do--and wanting to never feel like this again. It was like he was in the end round of a chess game. He, with nothing but his King to protect as the pieces slid one by one into place, counting down to checkmate he couldn't stop.

_A cat may look at a king._

The cat certainly seemed to have all the advantages. And once again he was not the king for cats to look at. Only a mouse, once pounced, once caught, once broken free. If he were ensnared again by Tsukasa's gentle claws, he would let himself be devoured, consumed by this longing...

He would lose. He would win.

What would happen to him anyway? Where could they go from there? What was to come when the game ended?

That was the question, now wasn't it?

Tsukasa blushed once he realized he had been caught by Tomonori's silent glance, quickly looking away. A delicate shade of red washing over his cheekbones, making him look like a painting...like an angel…

Tomonori fought the urge to kick himself at the thought--Of course he looked like an angel...He _was_ one!

Tomonori couldn't help but allow a smile to slowly slip past his guard as he noticed. Tsukasa just looked so...so innocent...even cute... He suddenly blanched. Had he just thought that? What an inappropriate thought! This shouldn't have been happening! He had only just begun to love Tsukasa mere hours before!

Untrue. He had _discovered_ he loved Tsukasa mere hours before...how long he had loved him, _he_ didn't even know...it felt like this longing had hidden within him forever, like he had been born with it, like he had ached for him all his life...

Oh God, this was **wrong**!

It could never be! He kept reminding himself. It must never be...it would ruin them!

He had to struggle! Perhaps he could get away. Perhaps the horrible unstoppable game would end in a stalemate...Perhaps he could get away if only he controlled his mind, his heart, and these accursed _impulses_ of his...But even as he thought it, his eyes were drawn again to the portrait perfect visage across the table from him. His heart softened. Those eyes...they were so sad...so hopeful...so gentle...He loved those eyes, every single emotion he saw in them seemed to be enough reason--even on it's own--to love him...

God, what was wrong with him!

"Are you feeling better?" he asked Tsukasa softly. He couldn't help but worry for Tsukasa, and yet...with his soft white wings framing his face, his eyes large reflective jewels in his face, and his hair mussed from the many times Tomonori had been unable to resist touching it under the excuse of affectionate tousling...Tsukasa looked more fragile than ever. Fragile as glass...but somehow still hopeful.

Strong as iron in those hopes.

_Sometimes, the bravest thing of all...is to hope._

The human had to wonder in that moment if Tsukasa's will was stronger than his own. When he looked upon the determination not to give up on those hopes, on the innocence driving such determination, the _purity_... he couldn't help but be amazed. He could be so frail...so fragile...so easily giving and impressionable...yet he could be so hard to change as well in the midst of his fragility...

Tomonori's heart just seemed to soften at the merest glance at that delicate face peering shyly from a frame of fine white feathers and soft golden hair...that in itself disturbed him--this softness deep within him...but not enough to keep him from looking.

Tsukasa's eyes were fragile as the first tendrils of frost over water. They shone out with a crystal clarity in the rose brushed golden porcelain of his face, with it's flat cheekbones that made his eyes seem all the larger in his childishly built face. A perfect little delicate figurine that would shatter at the wrong touch, at the slightest pressure upon the frost just beginning to harden. The little, delicate, painted porcelain angel, his eyes so sad, and so hurt, and so hopeful...trusting... His perfect little feet balanced upon shards of ice that were already creaking under his slight weight. So carefully balanced that Tomonori didn't know whether Tsukasa would save himself or if the slightest touch would send him plunging into the freezing water. Could he ever hope to save him? Or would he watch him drown? Drowning, while he, Tomonori, could only stand there and know...

...his fault...

Unease stirred in the pit of Tomonori's stomach as he looked at Tsukasa, as he looked upon his inhuman ethereal beauty.

Since the moment where he had felt that strange warmth bubble outwards from deep within him Tomonori had felt..._different_. As though whatever it was hadn't properly hardened and still lay softened within him, where it would seep outwards at the slightest provocation. As though if Tsukasa were to hug him, or--God forbid--kiss him again, this strange heat would rise up from him. He couldn't explain what it was It was _deeply_ disturbing to him that he didn't understand something about himself...

Had this heat from within him destroyed the ice that Tsukasa stood upon?

Was he responsible for the boy's downfall?

Was this really his fault? Of course it was! But...was it because of this weird..._power_ now sleeping uneasily within him, that Tsukasa was beginning to break?

The thought made him even more uncomfortable and guilty than ever.

Tomonori's very control depended partially upon the knowledge he had of his own mind...His understanding of his expressions, and his thoughts...if he didn't know what some part of himself was doing, or what it was, he certainly didn't know how to **control** it. So he didn't know how to control a part of himself...or even if this strangely new ability, or feeling _could _be controlled. Whatever strange warmth in him had caused the boy to wake...he didn't understand it... He had to be careful nonetheless. No gaps could show in his control now. The faintest slip could seal his doom!

His nervousness grew.

That slip would be all it took. The instant Tsukasa discovered his feelings, expectations would follow, and Tomonori knew, that he would never be able to deny Tsukasa anything--that was his weakness... even then, once he gave in and tried to fulfill Tsukasa's wishes, he could never be good enough to serve the boy's desires adequately...he would never measure up to the trust and wonder in those mirrored eyes, He couldn't stand to disappoint Tsukasa like that!

He inwardly made a face of distaste at himself. What was the word used to refer to a dam running over?--besotted, he was besotted with the boy. The whole thing had an oddly ancient twist to it. Perhaps some greek myth: Ganymede being spied upon by Zeus...unintentional enamourment…

Any action would only lead to their downfall, both of them! No matter what it was this strange emotion--he couldn't quite put his finger on it...was that another loss of control? Whatever it was, he knew it was inappropriate!

It was not fitting for a preist in the service of the Lord to suddenly gain desires--_strong_ desires-- for one of his own gender-and one for someone eight years younger than him at that! His thoughts raged harder.

'This is entirely wrong on so many levels!...It doesn't matter if I'm too young to be his father! Even if he were a female, the age difference between us is enough to shock most people...and who am I fooling? He's an angel!...Even if he dared to feel something towards a lesser being-- towards a human--why would he bother to choose me?' Tomonori would have gone on, but he cut his thoughts short as Tsukasa finally spoke. He was pleased to find he still had control over _when_ he thought or not if not _what _he thought.

"a bit." said Tsukasa in a would-be light tone. Tomonori pressed the rewind button in his memory (when had he been so scatterbrained?) He'd asked him if he felt better, right?

So what was THIS answer?

A_ bit_ better? 'he expects me to believe that he's feeling a bit better when he has that sort of expression on his face?' Tomonori wondered incredulously. Tsukasa's face had been transformed into an unconvincingly fake smile. Tomonori searched his expression. He could feel his worry, his good intentions... 'Oh, bless him...he must not want _me_ to worry...oh, dear Tsukasa...' Tomonori frowned internally as his outer face's expression softened. Was that a smudge on his lenses, or were Tsukasa's eyes watery? Was he going to cry again? Tomonori's heart hurt at the thought of Tsukasa crying again. He recalled the coldness there...and shivered. He pulled off his glasses, cleaning them with the hem of his robe.

The room slipped out of focus, and faded from sharp clear images to vague, softened shapes. Tsukasa's face had dulled into a soft oval with two darker, huge, circular eyes. His wings had blurred into pale streaks of white. Tsukasa looked as he had in Tomonori's recurring nightmare.

beautiful (he always was so stunning, so breathtaking...)

innocent (when didn't his face look so wonderfully sweet and his expression so naive?)

utterly unattainable (what would happen if he _was_ attainable?)

Tomonori fought the urge to shiver at his own thoughts, frowning outwardly as well. "Tsukasa..." He didn't finish his sentence, trying to choose his words carefully. Trying to pick out the smoldering sentence from the wreckage of his train of thought. "Are you going to be alright?" Tomonori tried to keep his voice soft, his brows creasing in concern. Premature lines wrinkled his smooth forehead making him seem suddenly older, wearier. Though he couldn't see his own face as he did it….He would have only thought it another reason why he was unlovable, unspectacular anyway.

'Perhaps it was too early to expect Tsukasa to deal with his new difficulties in life first this... rejection...'(Tomonori couldn't feel worse about that either--that he was part of the reason Tsukasa was in pain.) 'Then the shock at being unable to fly...it must mean so much to him...'

He was expecting the boy to suddenly snap back in a few hours from all of that? 'Tsukasa's not you, you fool. You can't honestly expect him to put on a front that everything is alright, can you? He's not able to hold himself in like you...if he thinks he'll be okay eventually, then you shouldn't push him.' Tomonori rebuked himself sternly.

Deep down, he knew why his mind was doing this... He knew this frenzied behavior was his guilt. He knew why he in turn had been staring at Tsukasa. He knew he was attracted to the boy--he would have to be blind not to notice his loveliness to begin with...but it only made matters worse.

...If he continued this, the loss of the game, would mean _his_ loss. Total loss. Of everything, perhaps even of Tsukasa himself...Would he leave if he found out about this..._attraction_? Would he run away from Tomonori, leaving him to loneliness? Or...would he accept the confession and embrace him? ...could he even acknowledge in some part of his mind that they might become _lovers_?

Did Tsukasa want that?

There was another twinge of unease deep in his gut at the thought.

What would Tsukasa ask of him? He was so innocent...so pure...but what if he asked for Tomonori to do things that were not so pure? What might he want...? Tomonori swallowed. He had vows against this, DIRECTLY against this! While he might not mind kissing Tsukasa--which wasn't exactly harmless, but was hopefully not a damnable offense--what if the boy expected him to do more?

How much would he give up to make Tsukasa happy?

His inner self shivered.

If this twisted game of love turned out to be no loss, if it was not a loss for both of them, but rather a victory under a different name? Then the surrender, the act of knocking over his king, of swallowing his pride and confessing his feelings, bringing Tsukasa his relief would mean his victory as well as Tsukasa's!

...And with that relief, would come the expectations. How far would he go, if he was asked by Tsukasa? Would there ever be a relief? Could he ever wake up and think nothing of these feelings knowing that they were returned? Would he ever be able to relax again? What if this wasn't something wrong or evil, but something...good? There was an eerie sensation, his skin prickling, but this time it wasn't unease, an almost pleasurable wash of warmth within him...

However, he was a chronic worrier.

That thought was only a dream! It wasn't _possible_...

Somehow he realized the Tsukasa in his dreams HAD to be unattainable, because he didn't know what would happen if he took his hand and trusted him...Would he really be happy if he and Tsukasa were to enter a relationship? No, he didn't trust that either of them would be happy with such an event...he wasn't enough...and Tsukasa...

DAMMIT! He **trusted** Tsukasa!

But...apparently not enough to brave the things he **didn't** trust in order to do so.

He felt shame bubble in him. 'This is why it could never happen-I'm a human. I'm insignificant and weak next to him...I could _never_ be enough.'

He didn't know the battle taking place in his unconscious mind, he didn't know he was arguing with himself in the proper sense of awareness, but it had translated into agitation and jumpiness quite efficiently nonetheless. His stomach churned more violently.

His conscious mind held the reins though...

Tsukasa's blurred eyes were downcast, staring into his hazy drink. "...maybe." He said, directing it at the drink, then suddenly straightening, pulling his arms over the table and settling his head down in his arms like a bird on it's nest. Tomonori cocked his head, unsure what to make of that answer too.

**Maybe** he would be okay!

He hadn't been expecting that...Tsukasa was usually honest, uncomplicated, so that meant...he really didn't know? Tomonori carefully controlled his face. Was this really so bad?...That Tsukasa didn't know if he would **ever** be alright again? Was the issue more serious than he had expected? The boy's eyes were hidden by his bangs and the downcast tilt of his head...but Tomonori was quite sure that he was still watching him. ...He could see those reflective pools beckoning to him in his mind's eye, whispering to him to just linger as he gazed upon them...just linger a moment...

He swallowed, forcing his head to clear itself of such thoughts.

Still...those eyes directed at him made him even more nervous...

What could he say to help Tsukasa feel better? Think! His expression changed without his consent. "If there's anything I can do..." Tsukasa's face drooped suddenly, too fast for him to read.

Wait...why couldn't he tell what Tsukasa was feeling?

Suddenly he felt a greater sense of unease drift over him...had he always thought he could tell what Tsukasa was doing? What he was feeling?...yes, he did...

Selfish...but...If he thought such a thing, why were Tsukasa's feelings suddenly a mystery to him! He frowned internally, gradually becoming more and more worried.

He had thought Tsukasa was simple and straightforward...suddenly there was a whole new aspect to him that Tomonori had never even seen before. Had he ever paused to consider that Tsukasa could be as complex as him? Had he ever stopped to even consider that Tsukasa might want to wall off parts of his feelings as well?...Never mind that! He banished his wonderings suddenly, wrenching his concentration away to another question: Why couldn't he place what that expression meant? Had Tsukasa decided to block off his emotions the way HE had?

Tomonori felt suddenly and oddly upset about that.

He didn't really like the idea of keeping things from Tsukasa, he really didn't, but he HAD to hide himself away sometimes...he could hurt Tsukasa's feelings _badly_ if he didn't. But...Tsukasa wasn't supposed to do something like this though! He wasn't supposed to hide himself away like that! It was frustrating, immeasurably frustrating. He had done everything he could to keep Tsukasa from becoming like him...Tsukasa was always so joyful and innocent...it wasn't fitting for him to suddenly become so quiet, to suddenly hide what he felt!

All because the boy wanted to be like HIM...

'No...he can't have...'

The sudden harsh stab of grief and guilt was quashed by an idea sprouting quickly in Tomonori's head. ...Was he just noticing something that had always been in place?

Relief filled him but mingled in it was a pang of despair.

His heart sank. He was so blind. He had been so content before...so content in his seeming omniscience...now he was unsure of his very feelings, his very understanding...even his very mind...

Was he going mad?

Perhaps he was insane, that would explain all of this very nicely...

Tsukasa's expression softened into something recognizable again, but Tomonori's unease didn't abate. Tsukasa rested his chin on his arms. His eyes were conflicted, uneasy, somehow he couldn't seem to decide what to say. Tomonori could see it in his eyes. He was silent, struggling with one of his heavy burdens...perhaps even one that Tomonori didn't know about. 'please...tell me what you want Tsukasa, I'll do all I can to bring it to you. Just...tell me. Anything, Tsukasa! Just...don't hide from me...please?' He almost wished he could say it, but the sentences might lead to questions he didn't want to answer. He waited, biting his tongue. 'please Tsukasa...I know you have burdens...but perhaps, if you tell me, we might be able to share this weight...perhaps I can offer some form of peace to you...something safe for us both...'

Tsukasa didn't answer Tomonori's thoughts at first. He sighed, then finally murmured "Tomonori-san...don't change...that's how you could help me...don't become a different person." Tomonori nearly flinched. Had Tsukasa seen what he had been thinking! Was he really changing? He certainly wasn't the 'father' Tsukasa had once had...what kind of _father_ would _kiss_ their son the way Tomonori had kissed him while he was unconscious? What kind of _son_ would fall in _love_ with his father and tell him it so...hopefully, longingly?

God, what a screwed up family they had turned out to be.

There was incest in the world, but this was ridiculous. It was good they weren't really related, or this would be even MORE wrong than it already was…

Tomonori was tempted in a sudden flash of aggravation to add 'Fine, I won't change, and the same to you' but he held it back. The flash of emotion passed.

He felt a sudden stab of shame that he had even considered saying something like that to Tsukasa.

Tsukasa didn't need sarcasm or snippy comments right now, least of all from him. He was struggling and needed something to make him feel better. This was Tomonori's chance to do what Tsukasa asked and make him happy. He needed help, he'd had a rough day, and he certainly didn't need Tomonori giving him a hard time. He needed support. Tsukasa **depended** on him for support...Tomonori smiled internally at that.

_That_ he was sure of. Sure enough that both his inner and outer selves smiled as one at the thought. He liked having Tsukasa trust him--no, he _cherished_ it! He wanted to help Tsukasa, more than almost anything, he wanted to be nothing short of a servant to Tsukasa. His every whim was something for Tomonori to try to bring closer to him, faster. If Tsukasa was happy, he couldn't help the happiness he felt in return.

Tomonori was suddenly struck by how similar his care for Tsukasa was to his devotion to his God...

_Thou shalt have no other gods before me..._

...It was at once disturbing yet strangely thrilling. Tsukasa had become his idol...but such a thrilling and beautiful one...

Something squirmed in his stomach 'Oh my father, please forgive my sins against your holy word...' He desperately longed to confess in prayer, to purge this uncleanness from his heart...

But Tsukasa...he had asked him to do something. He needed the support...

This was how he could serve. It was to the good of the Lord to serve the needy...

"I'll always be here for you, that won't change." Tomonori was suddenly painfully aware of Tsukasa's eyes on him... Hey! How long had he been polishing his glasses? He looked away to avoid the electricity that would shoot between them in an instant if he met his eyes. He inspected the rimless glasses, carefully. No smears, no problems. Excellent. The world resumed it's sharp corners and edges. Tsukasa's eyes regained their incredible draw--He _had_ to look away again, swallowing hard and resisting the urge to blush.

Somehow he wanted to meet those eyes, look at them...but...he couldn't!

DAMMIT! ...Like an addict to a drug...

It was incredibly ironic, he had fallen for a person he couldn't even look in the eye...Once again, he HAD to avoid those eyes! If he looked upon them, he would be caught, helpless, enchanted by his effortless beauty, by the sheer swell of colors, and emotions surging in his gaze. The mirrored irises never ceased to shock him with their portrayal of his own enamoured face, back to him, sending him into a maze of panic, a sudden flash to cover himself.

He always felt so naked before the angel's gentle eyes...so like his dream—and though he would never admit it, even to himself….His mind wished in some dark corner to meet them…

To feel all the strange yet oddly thrilling and frightening feelings that raced through him when he saw the longing in those large eyes... he had to look away. He hoped Tsukasa wouldn't misunderstand and think that he had lied. He forced himself to look up and meet Tsukasa's eyes...or to at least train his eyes on his eyebrows...close enough!

He didn't want to seem dishonest, Tsukasa **mattered** to him. He **cared** what Tsukasa thought of him. Other people...with perhaps the exception of his mindbreaker, and the WIZ-DOM faction, other people could think what they wanted of him, and he wouldn't care...

Scratch that, he didn't want to seem like a pervert, or one of the child molesting priests that the world was so careful to point out seemingly behind every bush and corner. The thought of someone doing something like that, so dirty and foul to a CHILD made him shake with anger and nausea. Who could do such a thing and still claim to serve God--HIS God?

Tomonori loved children, he had hoped for a long time to have some of his own, to have a son, to show him the care that he had lost when he became an orphan...children had always seemed so precious and dear to him, that he felt absolutely wretched if he heard of someone committing a crime against one. He wanted to end the Aquarian Age, so that children could live on without one day having to fight, to kill one another. The son...Tsukasa was supposed to be that son to him...

That was a thought that made his heart sink...He loved Tsukasa, but, even if he did...it wasn't as though they could ever have children...the very thought of sex was appalling to Tomonori, even frightening, especially with Tsukasa. And it wasn't as though the eraser would ever conceive by him, or vice versa. Adoption? It would be hard on a child to have TWO fathers...it simply wasn't meant to happen that way. Would children be something he sacrificed forever if he continued to love Tsukasa?

...It wasn't accurate to say he didn't care at all about what others thought.

But Tsukasa mattered somehow, just simply _more_.

He cared more for Tsukasa than he did himself.

He disliked his form, his ordinariness, but Tsukasa didn't seem to see it...he didn't care how ordinary, how unspectacular he was.

Maybe that was part of why he was special to Tomonori.

Tsukasa could love someone so ordinary...

He cared more about what Tsukasa thought of him than any other person. He wanted the boy's approval. He wanted to see him happy. He wanted to please him. He hated to see Tsukasa worried...he felt horrible at the visible tension in Tsukasa's slender form now.

He forced himself to do what he had been telling himself not to.

His black eyes met Tsukasa's.

It was as though he had hurled himself at a steady run into a gong expecting it to bounce him back, and it cracked and shattered. The same unease, and alarm as though there was too great a momentum. He stood, stunned, alarmed, confused as their contact broke off through an action--and not his. The boy flinched when their eyes met, there was a flash of some intense emotion, too fast for Tomonori to even guess. Then Tsukasa looked away, as though he had done something wrong--as though he had something to be ashamed about.

Tomonori blinked, stunned, suddenly wondered if _he_ had done something wrong. He could never accept that Tsukasa had done something wrong that would give him such a sense of...tension. Had that emotion that had filled Tsukasa been guilt?

'Why won't he look at me?' He eyed Tsukasa more concernedly. "No matter what happens...we are still family." He said quietly, outer mask not betraying the fact that his blood pressure was likely going through the roof with agitation and stress. Those words had always soothed Tsukasa before...had always brought a smile to his face...their magic had to work this time! ...It had to!

Heart, pace thyself.

He forced himself to breathe, to get a grip on reality. This wasn't the time for rash behavior. Though he would be uncomfortable if Tsukasa disliked something he did, he wasn't going to become uncontrollable at a temporary loss of the eraser's approval...was he?

Of course not! ...What a liar he was. He was devastated at the mere thought.

Tsukasa closed his eyes for a long moment, mouth slightly open (Tomonori reigned in another blush), sighing, then finally he met Tomonori's eyes. His lips curved upwards in a trembly smile. The world seemed to burst into bloom with bright sunshine as he did so.

Tomonori's heart swelled with joy as he could see the renewed trust in those lovely eyes.

He had done it! Tsukasa no longer seemed so grim. He seemed reassured even.

He couldn't help but smile back, eyes resting fondly on the boy.

Oh that gentle creature...His smile could light up a room...

"That's my Tsukasa." Slipped past Tomonori's lips softly. He felt himself freeze internally. His worry flared. Panic. He fought harder to control his body's attempt to blush.

He'd lost control _again_?

Too possessive...Tsukasa wasn't _his_...He wasn't some _object_ to be owned.

he never would be...never could be..._his_ in any way shape or form.

Tsukasa's eyes went through a flicker of emotion, a thought he couldn't read... What was his problem? Tsukasa had given a little smile, so his barriers had broken into rubble? What was the matter with him? That shouldn't have happened! His eyes were still on the boy, he nearly flinched with the realization...it was so dangerous that he could lose sense and find himself gazing upon Tsukasa with barely a flicker of worry about how much his own eyes hid--or didn't hide. He had to find something else to look at...but... Tsukasa was so _beautiful_...it was so _nice_ to look at him…

He stared for a moment, feeling doubt creep over him.

Tsukasa was faintly flushed...Was he well? Tomonori left off worrying about himself, and began worrying about Tsukasa. "Are you tired? You've had a rough day..." He asked, hearing the concern evident in his voice. He inwardly flinched. Was he showing too MUCH concern? He couldn't tell...oh _damn_...

Tsukasa shook his head 'no', a tentative smile on his face, his cheeks suddenly pinked, he hid his face in his wings for a moment of bashfulness, then peeked out again. Tomonori wanted to smile again at this endearing act of shyness...so adorable...

Wait a minute...what was he thinking?

"...can I stay here for a while? Can I watch you work?" Tsukasa asked, in a voice somewhere between a mumble and a whisper. He blushed a delicate shade of rose with the hopeful look of a hungry puppy begging to be fed scraps at it's master's side. Fearing...rejection...?

His eyes...filled with such hope…

Tomonori's heartbeat was suddenly loud in his ears, something squirmed in his stomach again. His heart leapt into his throat. He blinked in surprise, controlling a powerful bodily desire to blush. Something was crawling in his skin, raising the hairs on his body, giving him a sudden urge to shiver. What was going on with him? Was he losing control of himself again?

His eyes unwittingly stared into Tsukasa's...

He immediately couldn't look away.

Fear curdled his stomach in place of that dancing feeling of a few moments earlier. His mind reeled. What was happening to him? Was this what Tsukasa could reduce him to? He swallowed past the lump in his throat, trying to keep his voice from cracking.

"Of course Tsukasa." Of course he could stay. He could deny Tsukasa nothing...not when he was sure his rejection would bring tears...Not when the words that had slipped past his lips would cost so little, and bring so much to the boy...

Tsukasa's look of grateful happiness more than dispelled any second thoughts or worry over his choice from his mind. He seemed overjoyed! ...At something so simple...oh what happiness a simple 'yes' could bring him! Tomonori's heart melted as he promptly forgot his fear of those eyes, and allowed them to re-capture him without a thought.

He gazed, as though hypnotized.

He'd missed a change...Tsukasa's eyes were suddenly tinged more with deep golden brown in his amazing palette of colors; gold and silver mingling into a dull brassy shade darkened with gray and green and blue…and just about every other color he could think of that might have ever graced a mere human iris...so complex, still reflecting in that inhuman, enrapturing way they always had been. Fractured prismatic rainbows of every humanly possible color trapped beneath their deep surfaces, violet and blue and green, and honey brown fractured into a plethora of colors that any fractured mirror would have been beyond blessed to have the luck to possess, all reflecting on a background of deep reflecting silver-gray, like a pool of rainwater. Tomonori was put in mind of a fractured crystal he had once seen, with snakelike rivers of rainbow light dancing over it's jagged, cracked, broken interior when it caught the sunshine. It was like he was seeing that once more with a more profound sense of wonder. The facet-like lines in a normal iris were like tiny rainbowed prisms for Tsukasa.

The most incredible artist could never hope to capture those angel's eyes in pencil or paper, or even photography.

Tsukasa's eyes weren't just beautiful, they seemed inhumanly deep as well. 'Maybe that's why I'm worried…maybe I could drown…drown if I keep staring…' Tomonori thought to himself distractedly as he looked again upon Tsukasa's eyes.

He corrected himself. They were more like pools of honey than pools of rainwater. The mirrors hidden within...would they have been sticky within from such a shade? His eyes were so open...as though he had nothing to hide…like you were being given a gift if you were so much as allowed to look at them.

And so happy...He looked so happy, like a dog fearing a beating and instead receiving a pat on the head and a fond look from it's master.

Such joy...

Tomonori felt suddenly curiously light headed, his heartbeat rushing through his ears. He wanted to smile at Tsukasa (would that make him even happier?) He resisted...yet...How could he worry if Tsukasa was content? Tomonori glanced at the blushing creature for a moment, before dismissing his feelings of agitation and becoming quite at peace. He was happy knowing that Tsukasa would be okay, '...he must not want to be alone or something...poor thing, he's scared...but if he feels better around me...' A guilty thrill tingled in Tomonori's stomach. Tsukasa wanted to be near him! His heart suddenly soared. He wasn't going to let anything else hurt that poor creature today. He vowed this, his protectiveness rising instinctively...

...And then he noticed quite suddenly what he was doing, and was overcome with self-directed rebukes. He forced himself to dissolve his thoughts back into the work he was grading. And with it, he gained back his worry, losing altogether, the peace Tsukasa's happiness had bestowed upon him.

'Idiot! stop thinking about Tsukasa long enough to do your work!' But, had his expression duplicated his inner feelings, he would have suddenly born a dreamy smile. Like a ripple of that former joy had struck him and melted his worry for an instant...

His mind was filled with a smile. _Oh...Thank you Tomonori-san..._

Tomonori's insides were suddenly warm. His inner self giggled giddily at his conscience.

Yes...stop thinking about him...like he could ever do that...that would mean...

...Stop thinking about how soft his hair was--flaxen strands tossed over his eyelashes, little tendrils brushing his cheeks...strands of softest spun gold...

He could see it...a soft mass of glittering gold framing his face.

...Stop thinking about how sweet he is--that he could work for hours in a garden filled with wasps and bees and never once lift a hand to do them harm...about how the bees would circle around him, drinking sweat from his skin, preferring it to nectar, and would never once sting or harm his tender skin...

He could hear that clear joyous laughter, shy little giggles that cascaded around him.

...Stop thinking about how good those soft velvet lips would feel on yours right now, oh yes, definitely stop thinking about how he would taste...you know it haunts you. Give in to your dreams...

He saw that angel lift his arms, felt them close around his neck, and felt the heat of his skin as it pressed against his mouth in a hot electric circuit.

...Definitely stop thinking about how wonderful it would feel to have him kiss you back, how he could make your outer defenses crumble fall with a single simple brush of his skin against yours, with a single special look from his hypnotic eyes...how you long to hold him tightly and never have to let go...never have him _want_ you to let go...

He felt that smaller body cradled against his, as he threw himself, weeping into Tomonori's shoulder, felt the delicate curves his arms looped beneath as he carried him...felt those fingers tracing along his midriff through the fabric as his words breathed close into his ear...

_Tsukasa..._

'No...Don't fool yourself into thinking that this could be love that's okay, that this could be possible... Just...stop thinking about it...before you get hurt...before you hurt him…even more than you've already done…'

STOP!

Tomonori jerked himself out of that train of crystal clear memories, quite suddenly, feeling shame creep over him, heart sinking. He felt his breath stop for a moment, then he breathed deeply and evenly, trying to calm himself. He forcibly kept an even darker blush away from his cheeks. He couldn't get himself not to look at Tsukasa for a brief instantaneous glance. His heart pounded with fear of being caught--at least that's what he told himself it was pounding from.

Oh God... How could he do this? What was wrong with him! He could never-he _would_ never-...No! He couldn't even so much as allow himself to THINK about Tsukasa in such ways. It was wrong! He reminded himself feverishly. WRONG!

_...this is so wrong..._

'I can't do this…it's just not right…what's wrong with me? What's happening to me!'

He tried to focus on an algebraic equation for the fourth time. It was a rather futile effort. He could stare for twenty minutes at the variables and numbers and never have their meaning come to him in this state. His mind was wandering into dreams beyond his worst terrors and his darkest wants. He was frightened by the images, the scenarios, the desperation he could feel in himself. He was frightened. Unexpectedly alarmed by the _hunger_ deep within him.

He gritted his teeth. He would rather kill himself than let his desires **hurt** Tsukasa in such a way! He would rather slit his throat than allow himself to do something to Tsukasa to sate this sudden awful _need_! But oh...how _dark_ they were to him. How foul these wants of his...

He was forced to come face to face with the fact that what he felt for Tsukasa was more than just deep caring, more than a selfless caring love...He wanted to hear him laugh, see him smile, but he also wanted to feel his hair on his cheek, wanted to feel those fragile fingers entwined in his, wanted to kiss him, wanted to hold him, wanted to do MORE...wanted, wanted, _wanted_! Oh what wretched truth it was to Tomonori, worse than a slap in the face. He _wanted _Tsukasa

He shuddered, feeling suddenly ill.

He had no right! He had no right to long for such things!

But he did...oh how he did...

He could see clearly in his too-vivid memory, Tsukasa working in the patch of yard he had turned into his garden. Everything grew there. Tsukasa never had the heart to pull up weeds, to uproot a single thing--which was likely part of the reason why it was a mere patch of yard that he used... He would never pull anything up to make the patch larger, but only planted where nothing else grew. Despite the fact that Tsukasa never pulled out weeds, his plants grew sturdy and strong. Green and graceful...as graceful and slender and beautiful as the one that cared for them.

A young sapling tree he had found uprooted in a neighbor's trash, and had pulled free and replanted at home...it thrived at his gentle care. Surrounded by flowering weeds, it lifted branches towards the sky. Small green buds had unfolded into leaves of the palest translucent green, then strengthened, thickening, and soon after had fallen with the autumn chill. It was nearly bare now. The garden was getting ready to sleep through the winter, and the tree's blossoms would wake again in the spring to Tsukasa's gentle touch and tender care. Tomonori had never longed more to be Tsukasa's tree. Never envied a plant more than he did in that instant of memory.

He had seen Tsukasa murmur things to it, seen him hug it once, not at all ashamed or aware of how strange it was for someone to wrap their arms around a tree. Once he had even seen him glance around to see if anyone was watching, then he quickly kissed the bark, blushing softly, then scurrying away before Tomonori could come out and ask him what he had done, mystified, and curious...but however strange the behavior, the tree had gone from near-dead, to flourishing, just taller than he was...And with all he'd seen, he didn't doubt that Tsukasa's tender love for a _plant_ enabled it to grow strong, and tall, and green so astonishingly.

What would Tsukasa's love do if he had bestowed it upon _him_? What else had he given Tomonori with that kiss? His subconscious whispered to him. He ignored it. The question brooded there in the back of his thoughts, waiting for it's own opportune time to arise. It would.

Tomonori could see Tsukasa kneeling in the soil, his hair covered beneath a bandanna (It had made him look rather feminine, but it was better than getting dirt in his pale golden hair), a smudge of dirt had somehow landed itself on his cheek…had it been this past spring? Yes it must've been back in the spring...it felt so long ago...

He could see how Tsukasa had turned and grinned in sheer joy at being outside in the midst of the life of his new planetary home.

Tomonori could hear his voice in awe-struck, wondering tones calling him over. "look Tomonori-san!" A tiny nest had rested in the branches of the tree. Looking closely, Tomonori could see a few glistening strands of blond hair woven into the nest. Tsukasa's? He didn't know. He never had found out. But he had watched Tsukasa's childish sense of wonder. He had seen how the eraser had gazed with wide eyes as the dull, and drab little bird within had diligently raised it's young. When a young fledgling had failed to learn to fly, despite how Tomonori had warned Tsukasa not to get his scent on the fledgling, to leave it on the ground, not to touch it, the mother hadn't minded at all. Indeed it hadn't minded the eraser's kindness when he raised his hands high, stretching himself up to put the tiny creature back in it's nest...so strange, yet not unexpected.

Though the bird's own feathers were dumpy and gray, completely nondescript, unspecial, there were feathers in the nest of a shining, clear white...eraser feathers.

Tsukasa's

No wonder at all, he was part of the family.

'He could be part of anyone's family but he wants to be yours...he wants to be the companion of a lonely orphan, and the sweet creature doesn't even give it a second thought...It's no wonder you're in love with him...'

Tsukasa had watched the fledglings leave the nest with wistful eyes, as though this was his own family he watched fly away. He had watched the mother leave behind her nest. Taken it down. The nest, was a treasure to him.

Like a child, so innocent. Unspoiled, unsoiled by the horrors and troubles of the world around him...His wonderful, beautiful angel...and his love for all things living...He had gazed at that mass of twigs with sadness, and care, and an overwhelming complex emotion--understanding.

Tsukasa who seemed to know so little, actually understood things in a way even Tomonori now recognized that he could not fathom.

He had known this, and still he had not been able to see that Tsukasa might have his own secrets, his own locked doors to hide behind. For all his intelligence, he had not been able to fathom that much complexity, that much _humanity _into Tsukasa.

And therefore, Tomonori had been stunned to find himself locked out, when in truth, he had been locked out all along...

Underestimation: the weakness of all humans. Overconfidence in his own knowledge and expectations...arrogance even, if he dared to actually put the word to it.

'and _he_ can look past it...even when I can't…'

But no matter Tsukasa's hidden features, his purity and goodness still shone out.

Tomonori stared down at that bothersome equation, unseeing. How could he even dare to do this to Tsukasa! He had rejected Tsukasa's feelings gently but he had done so without giving it any serious thought other than frustration, and blind question as to why Tsukasa would do such a thing. Nonetheless, he had rejected him...hurt him when he had done so...

His chest gave a pang at the thought of hurting Tsukasa.

'I'm sorry...I shouldn't have assumed you would get caught by my faults...I should have expected such loving blindness from you...perfect angel...'

There was no way Tsukasa would take him back now...not after he had hurt him so deeply...so why was he growing so hopeful?

Why was he GIVING himself false hope! one instant rebuking, and the next absolutely enraptured by the very creature he had to turn away from.

'I must keep my priorities straight...I was such a fool to ever think that this would be simple...to ever think of Tsukasa as one-dimensional when oh dear GOD, he's so much more complex...so much MORE than I ever thought, more than _I _ever could be...how could I have ever thought of him as something so much less than what he IS! Something I could understand at a glance... How could I have been such a FOOL!'

Infinite frustration filled Tomonori, stirring anger within him. He was deeply upset with himself. He began to call things into question, things that he had never given a second thought.

'I was so quick to reject him, so sure that I would never feel something like this...that Tsukasa's feelings weren't really what he said they were...that he wasn't serious...Oh! How fast this has fallen! How can I even be sure of what _I_ feel? I should never have questioned Tsukasa! Oh, as though Tsukasa could ever tell me something he didn't truly FEEL...but what if what I'm feeling...' He felt himself beginning to despair. Internal struggles twisting within him.

The fumes from his coffee were suddenly unappetizing, his stomach gave a wrench.

'Am I so degenerate?...Am I even capable of _love_? Even for something as pure and beautiful and lovely as Tsukasa, could I ever go beyond this wretched _hunger_? Could I ever know for sure what _I_ am feeling... Could I ever even feel more than...more than lust? ...What if what _I'm_ feeling isn't love at all?' His heart sank into his belly. Oh no...that was it, it had to be...

This wasn't love...it couldn't be...

It was lust.

Cruel, hungry lust.

Tomonori's self directed rage reached a new level with this realization.

He was a distant creature, never before touched by love...and he couldn't possibly hope for even Tsukasa to change that. This was all a sudden lurch of hormones, a sudden wrench of body chemistry to desire...Tsukasa certainly was beautiful enough! But Tomonori was still incapable of something greater than cruel, horrible lust for him. Thus, his own wretched body had betrayed him. He was inexplicably angry with himself.

Disappointed, wretched.

How could he?

He had to stop this NOW.

'I _will_ purge myself of these inappropriate feelings! I _will_! Tsukasa deserves better than this. I should at least try to guide him to another far better than I...it is...the right thing to do...I am unable to help him, as well as being unable to feel to him what he wishes me to...I MUST at least assure that he will have someone good enough for him...if I can ever find such a person...' A cloud of misery had descended over him. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so ashamed...How could he do such a thing to Tsukasa? How could he hope to mend this with replacement? He knew he should sacrifice himself in this way, that he should ask Tsukasa for another chance, but he was too afraid.

Afraid, he was afraid! He didn't fear death, he had his God there, he had hope for his life, but Tsukasa...he had just immense, unshakable fear, even dread of what he knew he should do. But he couldn't do it.

It wasn't arrogance this time, he would never presume himself to be right for Tsukasa--the moral sense alone would always be utterly _wrong_, wrong for him to ever enter anything with Tsukasa, despite this terrible _draw_. This would always be a sin, would always be forbidden. But he knew Tsukasa would never allow himself to feel the same way he had proclaimed he did for him. Tsukasa's word was like a passage of scripture to Tomonori. He could never believe it to be wrong. Tsukasa had been so sure...

And he had rejected the lovely angel...it was as though he had stabbed him... He remembered the blood... Tsukasa had bled for this. Had bled for _him_.

He couldn't describe the helplessness that gripped him with all this worry. Because of Tsukasa...

Sweet, dear, innocent Tsukasa...

His eyes searched for the boy with a will of their own.

The subject of his treachery... He had betrayed him utterly, and he had no choice but to do it again...

This was wrong! It was wrong to do this to Tsukasa, to hurt him so...but it was even more wrong for him to give in and start this off...this terrible chain reaction...

But Tsukasa...he would suffer...would he bleed again?

Tomonori felt another sudden horrible coldness grip his chest where his heartbeat was pounding into his throat, his stomach, his temples. He could feel it in one dull throb, felt, not heard...

Tsukasa's blood...

Was this a sort of machoism? That he had to hurt himself by looking upon him when he felt he could never hold his head up again? He had to look upon the one who could never know his anguish at this discovery...had to look at the beautiful creature he had wronged...would wrong again...

He was surprised. Tsukasa's head was cradled in his arms, wings tumbled askew. Dark blond eyelashes shaded his delicate skin.

Asleep.

Tomonori stopped, and was suddenly moved by the sight. His expression softened. His eyes instantly riveted to the slender form. Tsukasa's expression was relaxed in peaceful slumber. His incredible shining eyes were closed behind soft eyelids. His white feathers framed his sleeping figure, hunched against him like a bird's wings.

He quietly questioned himself 'what choice is this?' Too afraid to give himself, to sacrifice everything for _this..._

Tsukasa's left wing slowly curled tighter against his head, he snuggled deeper into his own arms in slumber, murmuring something. A perfect, soft flush of pink was spread over his childish, yet strangely ageless cheeks...

_beautiful_...

That strange warmth flooded Tomonori's torso, spreading over his arms and legs with a vague tingling, a prickling. He hurriedly tried to pull it back...it was hard, and once he had done so, he felt no accomplishment, no satisfaction, not even relief, simply coldness...

He couldn't take his eyes from Tsukasa. He loved him...more than anything...

Except when it was everything...or so it seemed.

'Selfish...you selfish bastard.'

Tomonori choked down the lump in his throat.

How could he have done this to Tsukasa, how could he let himself do this to him! What cruelty was in him to do this?

No...not cruelty...you couldn't be cruel and kind at once could you?

Tomonori quietly stacked his papers and set them aside for school, lifting himself from his seat, and moving quietly to the sleeping figure close by. Tsukasa breathed quietly, deeply, and evenly. His face was serene.

Tomonori's rage burned higher after a moment of sudden wishing. His sins, his weaknesses compared to something that..._perfect..._his breath caught in his throat.

Astonishing.

How could he ever have done something like this to a creature so pure? What forbidden prayer had he uttered to twist Tsukasa's feelings to long for him--HIM of all people! What moment had he knelt at the alter and prayed for Tsukasa's love? What moment had he dreamed of Tsukasa as more than a 'son'? What moment had God answered his prayer in sympathy and sentenced the poor boy to suffer at his hands? His stubborn, gloved, unlovely hands... 'What has he done...what could he have ever done to deserve what terrible things I have done to him-what I'm going to have to **still** do to him?'

What mockery was this?

Could he be cruel and kind? Had he found his way to be both at once?

What confusion dwelt within him at this thought...

He gritted his teeth. He would have to do this AGAIN if Tsukasa still...somehow felt for him. He had to keep Tsukasa further away if all he felt was desire, because whatever he did would only sate himself, and take away from Tsukasa.

Yes...Tsukasa trusted him too much...he didn't know of this cruelty..._he_ certainly didn't have that...no...he was too perfect to do something like that...Tsukasa would sacrifice himself...Tomonori smiled sadly at the thought.

He didn't want Tsukasa to hurt himself for him, but he cared...Tsukasa cared for him...

His expression flickered into a deep frown. He gripped the folder holding his papers until his knuckles ached.

Frustration suddenly lashed through him.

He didn't want to hurt the boy like that, he couldn't stand it!

Forget morals, in this instant he would do anything!

'If I knew what I am feeling isn't lust...then I would do all I could to help him, to make him happy from this instant onward, the poor creature...but my soul has been tainted with the fruits of sinfulness. I...I cannot...I WILL not spread this curse to that sweet angel. I refuse to poison him like this!'

He couldn't.

It wasn't simply that this attraction was wrong.

_He_ was wrong. His attraction could never compare to Tsukasa's selflessness...

Looking upon that gentle face, he wanted to meet those small lips with his own as he had earlier that day, but his rich self directed anger created a barrier upon which his desires splashed harmlessly off. His mind thus cleared by rage, almost dangerously calm, he set himself to the task of taking Tsukasa to his room to sleep properly, without waking him.

...The puzzle was formidable indeed.

And distracting enough to perhaps make him forget...forget this inadvertent act of treachery.

Tsukasa's head was set comfortably over his arms. His wings hung loosely from just behind his ears. The boy's slender, fragile body hunched over so he could rest in a hunched position on the table. Tomonori eyed him, wondering how on earth he was supposed to move him without disturbing his peaceful sleep...Nonetheless he approached--cautiously. Stopped before he could touch him.

Had he had a lesser amount of control over himself he would have gaped.

But he was Tomonori Nakaura.

He was bound by a will and stubbornness greater than chains of iron, his outer mask of steel would not allow him. So instead he not only refused to stare, but found his reaction as greater proof of his guilt, more fuel to fan the flames of his self directed fury and push himself further away from this temptation.

He forced his suddenly shaking hands to still in their rage. He had to get Tsukasa to bed--lying like that couldn't be comfortable...

Since when had he become so scatter-brained? he wondered indistinctly.

'Stop thinking, and attend to the task at hand!' He rebuked himself.

He didn't budge, thinking all the more, trying to come up with a solution.

How to move him?

He had to be careful not to pull any of Tsukasa's white silken feathers, cascading down his back like a waterfall...

To Tomonori, it seemed more attractive even than his golden hair. Long glistening feathers paler than his soft skin...he was unable to stop himself from touching one with a fingertip, shivering inwardly at the sensation on his uncovered hands. He stopped himself, swallowing hard.

After he found a way to move him he could worry about how wrong what he was doing was...but first he had to find a way to take Tsukasa to bed...and none was coming to his mind. He felt himself becoming distracted, looking at him...

Tsukasa was so close...

He tentatively tried to get the boy to sit up normally, but there was a faint moan of pain as he touched his shoulder by accident.

Tsukasa hissed softly in his sleep, a hand moving to his shoulder, he whimpered softly. Tomonori drew back with a jolt as though he had been burned. His heart was beating rapidly in fear...shock, as he remembered.

'IDIOT!...you should have remembered that Tsukasa was injured!' He really wanted to kick himself... 'Oh God, forgive me for hurting him...I didn't mean to...' He swallowed hard, and breathed deeply to calm himself.

He felt himself relax slightly...ever so slightly...

'Focus...'

He breathed deeply one last time and tried again.

Thinking carefully. Ideas crackling like static on a cloud, occasionally giving a sudden flicker of lightning as an idea hit.

Tomonori was hardly stupid, no, he was brilliant in fact. Ideas came to him fast as lightning, his mind worked with an enviable quickness. Unfortunately, such brilliance often led him to jump to conclusions, like the gift of intelligence often affected other people. His mind raced with self abuse, almost with self loathing. For all his intelligence he could not accept his own actions. Unlike Tsukasa's simple, open, trusting mind, Tomonori's was far more pessimistic, more heavy handed in it's conclusions. He was by nature, kind, but this kindness didn't seem to extend to himself. He didn't take mistakes lightly if he made them.

He was determined not to screw up again.

He tried to move Tsukasa's body without waking him, carefully curling an arm around his waist onto the underside of his right arm, lifting slightly, careful to avoid the bandages...carefully...slowly...his heartbeat thudded in a dull beat similar to a heavy jolt of bass noise in his ears, in his chest, in his throat. His breathing seemed unusually loud in his throat.

_Thud...Thud...Thud_...

Without warning a warm set of fingers suddenly clutched his. Tsukasa gave a moan. Tomonori couldn't veil his shock, he gasped. His heart hammered suddenly, a sudden sharp pain flared in his chest.

Ouch!

He tried to control his breathing. What was that? What was Tsukasa DOING? He could feel his face warming in a flash... It felt so...strange...and his fingers were so _hot_ against his own... Tomonori felt a sudden stab of worry in the midst of his sudden nervousness. Fever? No...just Tsukasa's drink...That's right, he'd been holding the drink...left hand? Yes...his left hand had been holding the drink...

He relaxed slightly...then tensed again.

He gazed, trembling slightly, at Tsukasa's fingers tightly woven with his, the small hand holding his in a death grip.

He swallowed.

Wrong choice of words.

His head was awkwardly close to the soft clothed shape of Tsukasa's left upper arm and shoulder from where he had bent over to lift him. He could hear the soft whisper of his breathing, Tomonori could practically hear his heartbeat if his own wasn't thudding so loudly or so fast... His right hand was held around Tsukasa's chest, his elbow desperately trying to avoid contact with his wounds. He was practically draped around the eraser's waist. He couldn't turn his head to the right lest he dig his chin into Tsukasa's arm. His own black swathed left arm was hooked under Tsukasa's knees so his whole arm's reach curved like a rather uncomfortable capital 'G' where the hooked tail of the letter was formed by Tsukasa's, and his hands...together.

Tomonori gulped, eyes wide.

His muscled were trembling from the strain of avoiding touching Tsukasa's body, lest he awaken the angel.

Tomonori's elbow was so close that he could feel the heat of Tsukasa's skin radiating from him. A wicked fiery pulse tingled over his skin, raising the hairs on the back of his neck. Tsukasa's eraser energy...like the strange warmth that had flowed through him when he had awoken Tsukasa earlier that day, but so much more complete and live now...warmer, like the crackling heat of a warm fireplace, causing the coldness in his body to vanish like mist.

Tomonori held his breath quietly, filled with a sudden aching desire to touch that fiery energy. Quiet, like glowing coals, but still...power...his power thrumming quietly in a steady hum, unwavering, unmodulating. It seemed to crackle between the small of the eraser's back, and Tomonori's trembling elbow where he was almost touching him, crackling like sparks of lightning between them, it was burning over his hand, held in the eraser's grasp.

Tomonori was rigid in fear.

What was happening? Was he waking up? This was just like before, he felt so..._guilty_ at the thought of Tsukasa awaking to him holding his hand... It wasn't SAFE for him to do that. He could be CAUGHT! And... It wasn't fair to Tsukasa to do something like that without him knowing...like when he'd kissed him. It wasn't fair to him. And he would be hurt by it if he woke up in the middle of it. Tsukasa suddenly gave a soft sigh, and relaxed, snuggling closer into the nook of his right arm. His fingers ceased to clench so tightly on Tomonori's, relaxing. Tomonori waited for them to uncurl from his...

They didn't.

He could feel slight unease trickling in a droplet of icy sweat between his shoulder blades. There was an ache in his shoulder muscles from the strain of not touching Tsukasa. More worry played beneath the surface of his shield. Would those flawless liquid eyes open and widen in horror, would they cower, asking what on earth he thought he was doing? He could see the anger in his minds eye, shock...

_Wh-wha?H-How...What are you doing? Y-You said you didn't feel that way! _'I know...I can't tell you how sorry I am...I'm so sorry...I was wrong.' He could see the flawless mirrors suddenly cold and gray as ice, could see them narrow in distaste, could feel those delicate fingers jerk away from his... _You're SORRY?_ The tone, twisting and incredulous. Mocking. His delicate lips twisting into a sneer. _It's a bit late for that, don't you think, Tomonori-san? _'I...I know...' He would twist into suspicion. _"I'm sorry" won't heal these wounds...you caused them! You KNEW my body reflects my emotions, and you HURT me! How could you? Why would you do this to me?_

How could he? He knew he didn't have an answer. All he had were apologies.

'I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I never meant to hurt you, I didn't know!'

_Yes you did! My friend TOLD you. Or don't you remember? "an angel's body reflects his emotions"...Wh-Why would you do this to me? You...I TRUSTED you, Tomonori-san..._ His tender eyes would cease to be hurt, and would be slivers of hard jagged ice._ I hope you can tell what my body is saying NOW! I HATE YOU! You don't want me! You said you didn't, so just...just leave me alone! I HATE YOU!_

He could feel himself tremble, but not from exertion. Quivering at the imagined rage, the rawness of the scream even in his mind.He could see the rage, the pain, the frustration Tsukasa would feel.

It scared him.

He should have known better...

His chest gave another sharp twinge of pain. He grimaced, swallowing down a faint hiss, pressing his free hand to the stabbing pain, pulling it from under Tsukasa's knees. Heartburn? Odd. It must be from all the stress of the day...good thing it was just one day. Just one evening...

He trembled all the more at the prospect of **months** like this...Tsukasa must be far stronger than he to take this strain so quietly, so passively...

The ache in his chest dimmed at the quiet hum of Tsukasa's energy. It soothed him, despite it all.

His mind cleared slightly. "Task at hand..." He reminded himself with a mutter. The task at hand. He glanced downward, throat tightening. Why were metaphors so poorly done?

It was beginning to get damp as well as hot in that grip...He was suddenly aware that he had forgotten to put back on his gloves again...or perhaps he had taken them off again? He couldn't remember...but he could always remember! He was Tomonori Nakaura...he had photographic memory...why couldn't he remember? Why was his head buzzing like this?

He swallowed, starting to feel faintly warm in the face. His heart began to thud louder, audible in his very skin, reminding him, this wasn't just _any_ hand..._Tsukasa's_ hand was on his...it was so soft...so small...so perfect...a blossom with five delicate petals on a slight stem of a wrist...warm too.

A sudden flash of memory, flames dancing over the hand now entwined with his, their delicate fingers curled around a core of white hot flames…

That was who he really was. The angel whose hands burned with a power he could not explain or remember. Tomonori had never quite been able to come to terms with that. To him, Tsukasa was a human, a young boy, with no parents, an orphan just like him, a boy who seemed so much younger than his seventeen years of age.

'An angel, sent to me by God. Who God has asked me to protect with all my strength.'

He swallowed past the lump in his throat. First things first, he had to free himself from this grip, it was making his mind wander. 'Yes, your increasingly more hormone driven MIND you pervy baka! God...Can't I stop thinking about _him_ for just ten minutes straight? I'm supposed to protect him, not molest him.'

Bad sign...very bad sign...his stomach felt nauseous even thinking about that sort of action.

But no matter, he had to get free, if not because he wanted to, then at least so he could think straight. Those delicate fingers felt so...right in his. Tsukasa's smaller hand in his...It felt like it belonged...like _he_ belonged holding it...

He moved slightly forward, skirting around the back of the chair to Tsukasa's other side, unwinding his arm from around Tsukasa's waist, agitated. All of that didn't matter! He had to get away before his blood pressure skyrocketed, and especially before Tsukasa woke up! He looked down hastily. Tsukasa's fingers were perfectly folded between his. his fingertips resting softly on the back of Tomonori's hand. His slender thumb cradled in the web of skin inside his own thumb, cradled between forefinger and thumb.

He could see how ghostly pale his own skin was, blue veins shockingly visible beneath his thin, colorless, tanless skin. Kept almost white by the concealing gloves he wore. Tsukasa's golden skin seemed too perfect to belong entwined with dead fingers, deathly pale, bleached from lack of exposure to the sun. Those slender golden fingers warmed the 'dead' hand, coaxing some shred of humanity into it's coloring. Tomonori felt a strange pang of guilt...He wanted those fingers to stay. It no longer felt oddly moist...it was actually comfortable, the grip gentle, barely holding. His hand felt..._good_ entangled like that in his fingers…and it was so nice and warm...

He could almost imagine…that Tsukasa had taken his hand in a conscious sign of affection.

He sighed softly. 'but he wouldn't ever mean it that way' He reminded himself.

He didn't want to let go...but he had to...even just to move him...and if he awoke...

No...he couldn't do this...either way.

He carefully brought up his other hand to unwrap the fingers holding his. His heart hadn't slowed yet. And he was beginning to notice his own shortness of breath. He gave a sigh. 'I just need to get his hand off mine, that shouldn't be so hard...Then maybe...maybe I'll be able to relax.' Something in his mind retorted that THAT was probably a bit too much for hope for. He sighed again, willing his breathing and heartbeat to slow down to normal. Then he began to pry the fingers away from his hand. Finger by finger off of his. He had just managed to slide the hand loosely away from his, and was starting to breathe more easily when...

It was like a rubber band had been stretched back and let go, The fingers snapped up suddenly and clenched his hand more tightly, then jerked backwards HARD. Tomonori gave a sharp gasp as he was yanked by the arm, he stumbled forward with the force.

He was going to run right into Tsukasa!

His free hand snapped a grip on the table to stop himself from falling right into Tsukasa's back (or worse, his lap!) and waking him so rudely--not to mention painfully! Tsukasa's hand suddenly let go of his. He instantly used that one to balance himself better against the back of Tsukasa's chair and stop this momentum. One of his legs was caught in a chair leg. He tried not to move, frightened that he might accidentally knock over the chair or fall and--if the fall didn't wake him up first--make enough noise to wake up Tsukasa.

He didn't dare move, didn't dare breathe.

He felt the sudden sensation of arms around his waist, grabbing at him.

He froze, wobbling unsteadily, not so much as daring to breathe.

Was he awake? Had Tsukasa woken despite his efforts? He craned his neck to catch a glimpse of Tsukasa's face. Fear hammered in his heart, worried that the reflective eyes would be unveiled, that they would turn upon him, luminous, curious and he could see his own wretched fear there in the mirror-like surface...

He sucked in more breath to hold, hoping, dreading...

Tsukasa's eyes were sweetly closed, his forehead resting against Tomonori's breastbone like an infant's, wings gently furled. Had he been awake he would have surely heard the frenzied pounding of the heart within the ribcage. But being asleep, he heard nothing, there was a gentle murmur from his lips, something Tomonori couldn't hear. His brow was furrowed in an expression of worry.

Tomonori could suddenly see a possibility to what he looked like much of the time.

Tsukasa held tightly as though he was clinging on for dear life, he whispered something. Tomonori held his breath for an eternity, balanced precociously mostly upon his hands. His single good foot was too far forward to pull him up--having slipped. His knee was balanced on the seat of the chair, he didn't dare move it an inch.

So he had to rely on the one hand grasping the edge of the table, and another balanced on the back of the chair. Both were too far back as far as his comfort was concerned. His body shook from the strain. His strength wasn't enough to support this for long!

Tsukasa slept on. Tomonori finally let out the breath he had been holding. A beat of sweat tricked down his neck. He thanked God that the boy hadn't awoken, breathing deeply.

Close, too close...

Tomonori quickly moved to get his second foot away from Tsukasa's chair--away from his body, and on the ground again. New muscles were aching from the strain. He gave a soft sigh of relief as his captive foot made contact with the tile of the kitchen. He was gradually able to disentangle himself. He felt as though he had been involved in a rather nasty game of twister. His shoulders ached...but he was more conscious of the soft weight against his chest, of those arms around him...

Well...at least now he could move Tsukasa somehow. A part of him was incredibly relieved. The other part of him couldn't seem to get over how close he was to Tsukasa. He swallowed hard. He could see every eyelash, every glistening blond hair, every feather in his wings. Tomonori paused, curious. He searched for any blemish he could find, any reason why he shouldn't be attracted to him.

He felt something slosh uneasily in his stomach.

Nothing. There was nothing.

Not a single pimple, not a freckle, not a mole, or one tiny blemish or scar.

Eerily, inhumanly perfect...Of course...Tsukasa _wasn't_ human...

His feathers framed his face, his large eyes closed in peaceful slumber. The only thing that was amiss was his expression of worry, and this desperate grip the young eraser had on his torso. A troubling dream?

Tomonori shook his head to clear it, sending his black hair into disarray, he pushed back an irritating independent lock that seemed to be trying with single minded determination and a mind of it's own, to land in his mouth.

No matter.

He had to move Tsukasa.

Perfect face, perfect body, and perfect soul notwithstanding…

That was _all_ he had to do.

His eyes flickered over the boy's form. He would have to carry him in a position that wouldn't touch his painful scars, or mess the feathers on his delicate wings. Tomonori gently bent down to hook his now freed right arm under Tsukasa's knees. Tsukasa murmured in his sleep, letting go of him, drooping against his body. Tomonori fought an urge to smile. But it faded quickly, he frowned worriedly. It would be hard to keep Tsukasa's body upright without the angel holding on...

Tomonori paled at the thought of what he would have to do. He wasted several minutes just trying to think of another way...there didn't seem to be a less embarrassing one, though there were several that were worse...it made him want to cringe, but there was nothing else he could do…

He swallowed hard, irritably pushing that annoying strand of hair out of his eyes—at times like these, he really missed the bangs he'd had when he was younger…The irritation was distracting for only a second, before his unease returned at the prospect of what he was about to do.

He removed his arms from the small of Tsukasa's back and under his knees, then trembling, he lifted Tsukasa's arms, and placed them around his neck. His body shuddered violently, remembering for a moment what Tsukasa had done to him...what he had _felt_ when the eraser kissed him—badly…but still...

He could hear this heartbeat pounding in his temples.

Tsukasa shifted, with a soft noise. One of his wings gave a twitch. Tomonori's stomach was clenched in knots. He couldn't awaken now! Not with how bad this must've looked! Tomonori swallowed another icy lump, feverishly watching Tsukasa's eyelids for the faintest flutter…

He didn't wake though, only moving instead to pillow his head on Tomonori's shoulder, holding tightly onto his neck.

He mumbled something again, and gave a little smile. He sighed in his sleep. Tomonori breathed a sigh of relief when Tsukasa settled back into his slumber. Tomonori scooped him up beneath the knees, cradling him in a half sitting position, with Tsukasa's side against his chest. One arm hooked under Tsukasa's knees, the other around the small of his back. Tsukasa's own arms around his neck, helped to keep him upright without accidentally hurting him.

Tomonori frowned. Odd. He felt light...maybe it was his eraser form...birds had hollow bones, maybe Tsukasa had some similar adaptation? There really was so little he knew about Tsukasa's past, about his race… but Tsukasa still couldn't remember large parts of his past either…besides, it would hurt him to ask for such personal information.

He'd probably forgotten things for a very good reason…

Sometimes Tomonori envied him for it. Sometimes he felt so genuinely sorry for it, that he wanted nothing more than to try to help Tsukasa remember with all his strength. But both thoughts were kept locked behind his mask—the helping feelings, to a lesser extent than the envy…

Tomonori pulled himself from the past, but not before a touch of sadness pervaded the soul behind the mask.

'…At least I'm not alone' He thought to himself, the faintest flicker of the shadow of a smile flashing over his solemn face. He turned his head slightly to look at Tsukasa 'At least I have Tsukasa.' He thought, gratefully.

It would be impossible for him to not appreciate having Tsukasa here with him. The boy was a blessing to him. If his God had ever given him a gift, it had happened the day he had noticed a blood streaked body huddled against the ground, rain pouring down all around it. The day he had found a boy, his long blond hair wet with rain and blood trailing in the grime of the wet street. his large eyes disfocused with pain, his body naked, and bleeding, and bruised, and his lips trembling as he begged for help from the one person who had stopped to listen…

How had he betrayed him so easily?

He was upset again, his fond mood gone.

Tsukasa murmured something close to his ear. His name, a faint whisper that was his name.

"mnh…_Tomonori-san..._"

Tomonori couldn't explain the fear, the joy, the simple wishing he had to speak back to him, even if he was sleeping, to confess this all to him with that single word he'd known as his from birth echoing from Tsukasa's lips...

But he was asleep! That was absurd! It wasn't as though he could hear him even if he spoke...

All the more reason to do it then, reasoned the longing part of himself.

He shook his head to clear it of all these conflicting emotions. All these strange things that had happened, his heartbeat becoming so loud, the longing so intense he felt it in his gut...longing just to speak back to him...asleep though he was...

Tsukasa's head nuzzled into his neck. His hot breathing trickled over the skin connecting the faintest edge of jaw to throat, just under his earlobe, sending strange feelings through him.

_Danger_... Whispered his stomach, his heart, his mind.

But his body was instantly lost in a strange feeling, like he was floating up and out of his skin on a cloud of the eraser's gentle breathing against him. His wing moved, touching his other cheek. Hidden, he was hidden away like he had dreamed of. Those soft feathers touching his face for a single moment where he held his breath, then they gently furled back along Tsukasa's neck and his shoulders, and Tsukasa's head tilted downwards further.

Tomonori fought to remain standing, suddenly breathless.

The moment passed. But he still couldn't resist pressing his lips to Tsukasa's temple as he walked slowly out of the kitchen, cradling his body gently. He used his elbow to bump the light off in the kitchen as he left.

The window at the end of the hall showed the moon, and the lights of the city of Tokyo, turning the sky pale even at this late hour…somehow Tsukasa could see the nature in this, but he certainly couldn't. All he could see was the lighting.

The lights of humanity, drowning out the stars he had enjoyed as a child. There were crickets chirping, but there was also the chatter of people crossing on the street, running errands even at this late hour.

He sighed, quietly so as not to disturb Tsukasa.

He really didn't like the city much, but Tsukasa enjoyed it…he liked to see people. Not necessarily talk to them, but just watch them.

He looked at his shoulder where Tsukasa rested. Another twinge stirred in his stomach…guilt, longing, sadness…all those emotions, just thinking of him.

He was warm against him, it was comforting. Comforting in a strange way that made Tomonori almost want to stay holding him for as long as possible…

But he knew he couldn't. He also knew he shouldn't be feeling _sadness_ at that fact. The fact that he would have to let go.

He looked at Tsukasa, his perfect Tsukasa, and all he could see were his own faults…his thoughts aimlessly meandered over the reasons why he couldn't do this, how this could go wrong if he did, how Tsukasa might feel…

But still, what frightened him the most was this hope, this longing…how it was making him question…

Despite what he had thought…Could this be love?

Even with the experience of being mindbroken, it was a different kind of protectiveness that he felt towards Kirihara—she was a sweet girl. He didn't want anything to happen to her, and she had a good goal, one which he believed in as well: an end to the war, an end to the Aquarian age, a world where nobody would suffer…But it wasn't the same…it lacked the special closeness he felt towards Tsukasa. Somehow Kirihara felt more like the protection of a friend…while Tsukasa felt like…well…more.

He called Tsukasa his family, and he was. Tsukasa he had known for close to two and a half years. He had saved his life! And Tsukasa had certainly returned the favor. They cared for one another, looked out for each other. They enjoyed the other's company, something about them staying together just seemed to work.

Then there had been today…

And…the sweet angel he protected so zealously had somehow managed to gain…feelings…for him, of all people! And he had discovered his own feelings weren't as chaste as he would have had himself believe…

Today had turned topsy turvy everything else he had taken for granted as being true.

It felt like forever had passed by in this single day.

He felt old. He felt weary. And he was becoming rather sad at this whole prospect. He didn't want to hurt Tsukasa, he didn't want to feel this, and fight with himself for the rest of his life…or however long Tsukasa decided to stay with him…

He felt tired. Tired of all this.

He wanted to tell Tsukasa but he couldn't. He wanted not to tell Tsukasa but that would hurt him, and he couldn't do that…except he was going to, which made him angry…and…

He gritted his teeth, and began his ascent up the winding stairs, trying to still his whizzing mind.

It was darker here, but he could still see, and the feeling of Tsukasa's warmth close to him, was enough to tell him that this was real, in case the question arose—even he couldn't admit that amidst the worry he had, it felt nice to be close to Tsukasa…today that was wrong.

His mind was clearly elsewhere. He tripped, stumbling on the edge of his robe as he stepped on it, intending to make his way up the spiral staircase.

He caught himself, heart beating fast. Tsukasa shifted in his arms. "Unnh…?" He mumbled unintelligibly in his sleep. He moved slightly, tightening his grip on Tomonori's neck, cuddling closer, then drifting back into a deep sleep, his breathing still slow and even.

Tomonori gave another sigh of relief. What number was this on the growing list of close calls?

He had to get Tsukasa to bed soon, or he would be jumpy and stressed out until he did. This day already had enough bad surprises for him thus far.

The stairs winded on, upward. They seemed to last forever as he ascended to the floor where their separate rooms were located. Some part of him almost wished it could last forever.

He felt a blast of frustration run through him.

He hadn't wanted this to happen this way, he just wanted a family!

But he loved Tsukasa. He didn't have a family, not in the sense he had wanted at least…

But there were still other types of families…weren't there? He shook his head to clear it.

This wasn't what he'd wanted…but…it was what Tsukasa wanted. Tsukasa was like him too…wasn't he? Orphaned—for all he knew at least. Alone. Abandoned by his very race, and left here on this planet to die.

He didn't want all that either…What choice had he had? Just because HE didn't want something, didn't mean it wasn't going to happen anyway.

Tsukasa would have laughed at him. He felt so foolish.

_You're so serious Nakaura-san…_

He paused. Why had he remembered that? It had been so long ago…Tsukasa had barely known him…

But he'd had the same laughter…the same sweet smile…

Even almost three years ago when they had first begun to be friends.

He could remember like it was yesterday…

Tsukasa seeing earth almost for the first time—for the first time given his amnesia.

He'd practically skipped in his hospital gown. Free.

His memory faded back to a moment in a hospital garden, years ago.

"_Is the sky always so blue?"_ had come the innocent question as the young boy stared up at the sky with obvious wonder. Tomonori had been taken aback, stirred from his internal broodings. He couldn't remember what he'd thought about back then, just the conversation with Tsukasa.

"_Um…not **always**…why?"_ Tsukasa had turned his strangely empty eyes to him, shy confusion in them. "_Because it seems…strange…a blue sky…"_ He had replied. His eyes had drifted to the ground. Pale blue hospital gown waving gently in the breeze. He'd put his hands to his head, a frown creasing his face in concentration _"But that's probably just me…I mean…All I can remember is the rain…the sky covered in clouds…and…lying there…that's all…just rain…and…your face…asking me if I was okay_…_"_

There was a tense moment of silence.

Tsukasa lowered his hands hesitantly from his temples, then blushed slightly in self consciousness, looking down at the ground.

"_I'm sorry…I must sound so silly…not remembering the way I do."_ He'd smiled his sad smile to the dirt, golden hair shrouding him. A sort of deep loneliness was spoken of, just through his body language.

Tomonori had been strangely touched by this, strangely saddened, and moved, as he hadn't been in years, not since the day he had become an orphan. Not since he had become part of the Aquarian Age. He wanted to make Tsukasa feel better, wanted to comfort him. He felt compassion for Tsukasa. _"No…not at all."_ He said hurriedly before his own social ineptness caught up with his voicebox. He fiddled with his glasses to distract from how flustered he was.

"_Um…I'm just not used to talking with people…I'm so sorry. It must be awful for you…to not remember anything."_

Tsukasa's vacant, distracted eyes turned to him, he smiled a bit more lightheartedly, shrugging. _"It's not so bad…it's like everywhere I turn I see a miracle. Something new…" _He raised his face to the sky again, sunlight pouring down on his long golden hair. His hand went over his heart

" _I want to remember some day, but until then…this is fun. It's like being an explorer, just I'm rediscovering things I must have already known…it's kinda weird"_ He'd laughed softly, shyly at those last words. He spun around on his heel, gown billowing around him. He stopped with bright shining eyes, and a big smile._ "But it's not so bad…and You're going to help me Nakaura-san…and the doctors are going to try to help me get back my memories too. It's not bad since I have all these people who want to help me like this…"_ Tomonori had smiled at the optimism of this strange boy.

Tsukasa's face became contemplative. He blushed shyly, somehow making Tomonori feel more at ease with him--It wasn't an awkward sort of shyness that he had, it was an endearing, childish act of innocent naiveté, that seemed to ask for someone to care for him.

Tsukasa mumbled to his feet bashfully. _"The doctor said I had 'disassociative amnesia'. He said it usually doesn't last for very long…"_ Tomonori nodded quietly, touching a flower with a fingertip, then lowering his arms, uninterested. Distracted. _"And it's brought on by a traumatic event, yes, I know. But it shouldn't last long, most cases don't from what I hear._" He'd glanced at Tsukasa, half expecting him not to care, to be off skipping again. But he wasn't he was looking at him, like he was listening, like he cared. Tomonori had been surprised into holding his eye contact. Most people had just passed him off as an antisocial know-it-all by this point. But Tsukasa…he was…listening.

Tsukasa had smiled _"Yeah…I'll probably have my memories back in no time!"_ Tomonori hadn't been able to stop his sigh, his worry. _"I hope you're right…"_ Tsukasa's smiled had faltered for a moment, then it had come back even wider. He'd giggled, putting a hand over his mouth. _"You're so serious Nakaura-san…"_ He had shrugged, somewhat self consciously to himself. _"I'm not all that good with people."_ He'd admitted. Tsukasa had smiled at him _"Don't say that, I like you, I really do!"_ Tomonori had been deeply surprised by this. People generally learned to tolerate him. He was quiet, he was part of the background, unnoticeable. But someone actually **liking** his company…it warmed his insides, he felt happy, for the first time in years, he felt happy. He'd managed a smile. _"I like you too." _He'd said back, quietly. Tsukasa's eyes had widened even more, his smile had faded into a stare of amazement. _"Even…Even though I can't remember? Even though I'm asking stupid questions?"_ Tomonori had shrugged embarrassedly, fixing his glasses as he always did when nervous or thoughtful. _"Sure…"_ Tsukasa had blushed deeply.

There had been an awkward silence between them for a few long minutes.

Tomonori had finally smiled at him. _"If it helps you out, until we find out what happened to your family…um…" _He broke off, embarrassed. It was too much to ask. But Tsukasa's expression had become delighted _"You want me to be like your family? Really?"_ Tomonori had nodded _"If you'd like…"_ Tsukasa had laughed. _"That would be wonderful. Thank you."_ Tomonori could remember that he had imagined a great soar of happiness when he gained his family. But really all he felt was a vague sort of nervousness, like he could still somehow screw this all up…

His memories cleared away like smoke under a stiff wind with the fire put out.

'And three years later…I did. Wonderful. What a stupid father figure I turned out to be.' He thought savagely to himself climbing up the final stair. Tsukasa slept peacefully against him. A thin line of drool had snaked from his mouth. But for all Tomonori was trying to do. To see it as disgusting, he was possessed of a horrible urge to smile.

Dammit, it was cute to him.

He was going to have an otherwise disgusting wet spot in his shoulder and he _still_ felt a strange stirring of attraction to Tsukasa.

There was nothing else for it…this had to be love.

Lust would have died out with Tsukasa's drool.

He still looked so sweet, with his eyes shut, fans of gold eyelashes resting on his skin, his expression relaxed, his mouth slack and open, his wings making tiny movements and jerks in his sleep…

Tomonori was strangely aware that Tsukasa's body, though slender, was full grown. Something in his mind wouldn't let him ignore the fact that Tsukasa wasn't a child. Tsukasa was nearly an adult. Another year…no, not even that! From this day to March when Tsukasa turned eighteen. Tomonori's heart gave a twinge at the thought 'Will he leave…?'

For him, turning eighteen had meant leaving the orphanage. It had meant his independence. It had meant he had gained his title as a demon hunter simply by surviving to that age--which wasn't quite easy in and of itself. It had meant something to him…but to Tsukasa…he didn't seem to have any plans…no college, no education beyond high school…

Now, Tomonori was faced with the question of whether or not, _he_ may have been the cause for that.

He grimaced internally. He wanted what was best for Tsukasa. And he was quite sure that was not him. Tsukasa had to go off and function as an adult…perhaps what was best for him was if Tsukasa forgot about him completely.

The thought made a lump rise in his throat. He was nearly to Tsukasa's room. He noticed the bathroom door was open. His vision could remember the scrap of clothing poking from the door…how he had run, fearing the worst.

'No…I can't force him away…if anything happened to him, I would never be able to forgive myself. It wouldn't be right.'

But nothing was right, now. Not today, not from now on.

He sighed to himself at Tsukasa's door.

'I need to pray…consult God…perhaps when I have no answers, He will have one.' The thought comforted him a little.

But only a little.

He was disturbed by that. Before all he had was his God. He had only God before Tsukasa ever even came to him. The fact that Tsukasa seemed to matter more than even his God to him, was one that chilled him to his very bones. Had he a free hand he would have crossed himself, but he didn't have a free hand.

Guilt shifted uneasily in his stomach.

'I have to go. I have to go NOW.' He swung open the door, entering into a room as blank as his outer mask. It made him want to ask the room what it hid of Tsukasa. Tsukasa wasn't this blank…no…this much of a _guest_. He belonged here. But it seemed as though he didn't…

Tomonori made to set him down on the bed…and froze.

His bed still wasn't made.

Tomonori experienced a moment of blankness in his mind. He sighed again, allowing himself to sit down, still cradling Tsukasa. 'Now what? He can't sleep here…'

Tomonori considered taking Tsukasa back downstairs and setting him on the couch…but that couldn't be comfortable…and he was injured…so that meant…

Tomonori's blood froze at the implications to the unwary mind. But his sense of duty made him stand up and walk out of the room.

His mind was desperately searching for an alternative, it scrabbled like the claws of a cat being taken off to a bath. Tomonori knew it wouldn't find one. His feet still carried him. His mind was screaming not to do it. What if anyone found out and thought wrongly? 'They won't find out' Tomonori told himself grimly. He didn't like this…but Tsukasa deserved his sleep, and he didn't have the time to make his bed for him…there was nothing else he could do. He couldn't turn Tsukasa away and give him the lesser choice. What were the chances of anyone finding out?

Tomonori gritted his teeth, opening his own room.

His room would have been as unemotional, as guest-like as Tsukasa's, except for a few subtle differences. The desk in the corner was strewn with test papers. There was a day-by-day calendar with King James Version Bible verses for each day…and there was a picture on his desk as well.

It wasn't the same picture. It didn't carry the same memories that Tsukasa's did. He hadn't even been present at it's taking. He had been too busy. Mana had turned seventeen with a party. Part of the fun it had seemed, was a face painting. And apparently…Tsukasa had taken a turn manning the paints.

Somehow he'd been called on to do a design for every person in their little group, save Shiba, who like Tomonori had been unable to attend…

Marriage plannings were rather hard to get out of.

His wedding would be soon, judging from the rumors. Poor Shiba.

He didn't sound to happy about his arranged marriage, but his fiancée absolutely adored him, and he couldn't seem to get himself untangled from his family's expectations.

Mana and Kaname were next to each other on the left, with Itsuki and his twin sister Haruna on the other side, with Tsukasa in the middle

Mana's face was a glittering butterfly mask, with incredible detail to black veins in the wings, making her face look like a fabulous stained-glass picture. A mask of an unnaturally rainbow colored butterfly on the minbreaker's smiling face. She looked happy.

Itsuki had blacked one of his teeth, and Tsukasa had applied makeup that made him looked bruised and beat up…if he hadn't been grinning so broadly and sticking out his tongue, Tomonori would have been rather concerned. He'd put a patch over his eye so he looked more like an inter-city pirate than a high school student. Oddly enough, the look worked for him.

Kaname's face was split into halves, one half done up in red paint, demonic looking, the mouth painted into a snarl. Teeth had been painted onto his mouth to complete the expression. They were pointed. The other side had been painted a pale blue and white, with a faintly rosed cheek. This side of his mouth was transformed into a smile, the eyebrows made to look relaxed and more serene. If not for his eyes peering out blankly from behind the paint, he would have either terrified or made the watcher smile. Tomonori got chills just looking at him. Paint or not, Kaname was a darklore.

Haruna looked like a bird. She had a painted cone on her head that seemed to be a beak…except for the fact that she seemed to be laughing uncontrollably, her beak lopsided on her forehead, like a unicorns horn rather than a beak, an arm slung around her brother's shoulder.

Tsukasa looked embarrassed, but happy, squeezed in the center of his friends. Haruna and Mana each had one of his hands held up in front of them.

His delicate, slender hands were covered in smears of color, his face was just the same as ever, save one thing. Apparently he had accidentally touched his face because there was a mottled streak of red, white, blue and orange paint slashed across one cheek.

Tsukasa, upon coming home, had told Tomonori stories of the party for hours…his face had glowed with happiness when he had come home.

A few pictures had come in the mail some time later. Tsukasa had been trembling with excitement. He had run to show Tomonori the pictures. Then told him to pick one he liked. Tomonori had protested at first. These were supposed to be Tsukasa's pictures! But Tsukasa had insisted. Saying that he had to fill the otherwise useless frame one of the students had given him.

And so…he had chosen this one.

Chosen it because not only was it his master, and his fellow soldiers, but because it was Tsukasa's handiwork. Because it was Tsukasa who had told him the stories.

Maybe…even back then, there had been another reason…

Even now, the picture smiled bashfully at him.

The real version of the image shifted slightly in his arms. Tomonori moved through his room, and gently lay Tsukasa down, placing him on his stomach, lest he hurt Tsukasa. Tsukasa shifted, wrapping his arms around a pillow and burying his nose in it, smiling blissfully.

Tomonori felt a strange longing in him. It wasn't sexual—if it had been, he would have run from the room. It was protective. He wanted to crawl in beside Tsukasa and hold him.

As long as he held him, he would be safe…

His rational mind came back in an instant, indignant. 'Who would attack him here? He's at home. Nothing's going to get him…God…What's the matter with me?' Tomonori frowned. His expression softened as Tsukasa mumbled in his sleep. He carefully tucked a blanket over him. Tsukasa's shoulders squirmed, but he relaxed, snuggling down into the pillow some more. Tomonori's lips twitched. He held back the smile before it broke over his lips. He gently smoothed the hair out of Tsukasa's face. His wings spread out behind him, moving faintly with whatever dream he was so caught up in. His lips murmured something Tomonori couldn't hear.

Tomonori sighed softly. 'What am I doing here? I was going to ask my God for guidance…for some sort of relief from these feelings, and here I am, watching him sleep…like some sort of perverted stalker.' Tomonori faintly wondered what Tsukasa was dreaming, then felt embarrassment flutter in his stomach. 'Tsukasa thinks he loves me…he said my name…it's probably better that I don't know what he's dreaming…that's private…I shouldn't pry. I shouldn't be here right now…'

He felt like a stranger, in his own room. All the unease of the day seemed to be hitting him right now. He could feel his guilt, pressing heavily down on him. He nearly fled from the room.

He was sinful! He had to do something!

He had to confess what he had done…what he was _feeling_.

He practically fled from the house—Tsukasa would be fine on his own when he was asleep! Right now he was in dire need of someone else to talk to. The church doors were locked, but he had a key. He was a demon hunter. He always had a key. You could never be too careful. To him, a church was like an ammo supply cart to a person in need of more shells for their shotgun. But he wasn't looking for weaponry tonight.

He was looking for peace.

He fell to his knees before the alter and began to pray feverishly.

(((End of part 6))))

Hi. (waves nervously)

Because I know it's going to come up in at least one person's mind: despite the fact that this MAY BE a PG-13 level fic, Tsukasa is NOT having a wet dream about Tomonori! (groans and rolls her eyes) Seriously, I'm not that kind of writer! Honestly, do you think I would pull a stunt like that on my first beloved fic? I think not. Hee, I'm not that daring. (looks awkward) He might be having a dream about him, but it's not a dirty sex one. Seriously!

Glad you guys waited for me!

Thanks LOADS! I feel SO loved!

Um the seventh part…well…I guess at this point, it gets up when it gets up. The best guarantee that I can make at this point is…within a month, maximum. Unlike from projected chapters 8-11, I have almost nothing written for parts seven and eight. Plus, as a warning, eight's probably going to be a touch religious. (shrug) hey, sorry guys, but Tomonori's a priest. It happens. Deal with it. I'm not shoving it down your throat, I'm just fleshing out a character in an IC direction.

Yeah, I know. Tomonori's got a great memory eh? (sweatdrop) I've made him a sort of photographic memory…um…if you have Photographic Memory, you might want to describe it to me (it would be a big help) because I'm an auditory, and I have no clue what it's like. I can remember conversations in near-perfect detail, but I can't remember visual things for squat, so it's going to be a bit of a stretch for me to write at this point.

IF YOU HAVE REVIEWED THIS CHAPTER AND DO NOT SEE YOUR NAME HERE, IT JUST MEANS YOU REVEIWED AFTER MY LATEST CHECK FOR REVEIWS, AND YOUR RESPONSE WILL BE FIRST UP (in order of most recent pre-post on down, then the same for this chapter's reviews) NEXT CHAPTER!

Don't worry. I always reply. No matter how redundant the review—even if it's just to tell me to stick my head in a blender and clear myself from the face of the earth—it shall receive a reply!. (smirk) though in the case of the 'stick my head in a blander thing' it might not be…exactly nice. (cackles)

Oh…um…tell me please, are the paragraphs and the spelling better? I've been trying to work on them…it took me AGES to get my NEW (secondhand) COMPUTER to recognize all the weird japanese/juvenile orion words without doing little red lines. Hopefully it shows.

How'd I do? A little long, a little detailed, but hey, I've spent longer on this than anything else so far…it'll be like that anyway!

And anyway…on a lighter note (clears throat)

NF: Greetings reviewers, and welcome to another display of rampant insanity brought to you by HAMPSTERS!

Hamsters: (cut to hamsters treading in scientific looking spinning wheels generating electricity)

NF: HAMPSTERS! Have you changed your pellets today?

Hamster: (has big cute shiny eyes, makes an adorable little rodent grin) Feed me brains! (grows fangs)

NF: (nervous grin, shoves the hamster back in it's cage) Er...that's enough out of you. Now...to the good part of the parody/humor lines where I talk to the MANY reviewers who got bored over the summer and could only alleviate it with my shounan-ai work. Hmm. Note to self, feed the rodents double portions in the future whenever I need to go on vacation...I think this is what they would call an excellent example of big bang theory...There was a bang, and suddenly reviews pop up. NO PARAGRAPHS HERE BWAHAHAAAA! (snickers) I'm evil.

**Argent Inluminai-** Congrats to you my super-reviewer. Because you wrote an insanely cool long review, you get to go first in the responses! (bwahahaa) You seem to ramble nearly as much as I do...except yours actually has a point and doesn't repeat over and over the same thing the way mine does (I suck...). You officially ROCK! And um...thanks for the pocky I guess. (internally wonders 'what the heck am I going to do with sugar in my system?' insert mental maniacal laughter) Gee, how to respond to all the awesomeness you put in your review...I'm going to settle for being systematic for once.

1) Personally, the fifth chapter seems a little more OOC than usual (especially with the 'dream scene'. Literally two hours after I posted that I began to ask 'oh God, what was I thinking!'), but I'm glad you think it runs smoothly. That's a huge ego trip you've given me just for saying that. 2) So...you think it doesn't go overboard on the emo-ness? GOOD. Hee. You sound like quite the Tomonori fan...either that, or you just tend to think through these things the way I do, and go into really deep thoughts about hypothetical story situations the way I do. (smiles) I agree with you that he'd obviously have to deal with obstacles like this if he were to have this sort of 'feelings problem' (which would be why I'm writing it this way. ha ha ha.). And you sound like you'd typically be a rather 'tough reviewer' from what you seem to like in the story (reality can be hard to write) which makes this feel all the more like a reward to get a great review like this. However, warm fuzzy feelings aside, you know, I love a straightforward happy ending as much as the next person, and sometimes I hate to write struggles into what seems like the perfect setting, but in order to have an interesting story, you've got to have struggle. And if you put the reader fully in the character's shoes the way I'm trying to, you feel the strain, psychologically, emotionally, sometimes even physically. You're RIGHT THERE. And you aren't watching from the sidelines anymore like most third-person stories where the reader takes an omniscient view, as though they're God, hovering over the story (zooms around ghost style shouting 'whoopee!'), You're seeing through the character's eyes, and hopefully, feeling as they do, when they do. I think I really reached you, judging by your rave review (claps hands excitedly, cheering). You seem to be accepting the struggle as part of the eventual happy ending. That's great. Really great, because that's what I envisioned when I was typing this out. People like you are really a joy to write for. Thanks! (beams happily)

3) That's partially it, Tomonori's very rational and logical (think math.) But also, it is at once a touch simpler than that. Tomonori's wavering mostly because not only does he have limited self confidence (remember? He thinks he's not good enough for Tsukasa whenever he dares to even consider what he feels...insert eye roll) but he's struggling with a very definite set of morals which are SCREAMING at him that this whole thing is completely and utterly wrong. Psychologically speaking (especially Freudian psychology), he's trying to repress the urges in order to please his superego or conscience. Any person going through repression of a strong urge is put under tremendous strain. But also, he has his powers to deal with too. Remember. They're PSYCHICS...heh, I can't exactly go into what I used that particular thought for (not without giving away my evil plan. Muahahaa.), but think about what else could be effecting this problem of his...what he could be picking up that's weakening his conscience.

Notably, Tsukasa doesn't seem to have the same very definite set of morals that Tomonori does (I have a reason for this planned for revelation in a later chapter, so I once again can't go into deep thought here.) Tsukasa doesn't have to struggle against his Superego, what he has to worry about is _Tomonori_. He's worried about offending him, about making him uncomfortable, about whether he might think this is wrong or not (Though Tomonori seems to be refraining from passing judgement on him because he's afraid of hurting Tsukasa in turn.) and even past all those possible problems, he's worried about rejection anyway. He's got his past looming over him in this big dark cloud, which he feels makes him inferior, even deformed and therefore not good enough.--Technically, he already thinks he's been rejected, so now he's also trying to hold back, to stop himself, because he wants to please Tomonori. And on and on and on.

There's no single reason why they aren't together already. (There never is just a single reason in real life situations, you know...) Each person has their own number of reasons, even if there's a mutual attraction between them. There is a very real chance...if either conscience gains dominance over the rest of themselves then they'll likely never get together...but I'm probably going to cheat to make the ending happy anyway...probably...bwahahaa. Lets just hope I don't get depressed and give a bad ending. (crosses fingers)

4)heheh. Hold on. Does everyone think I'm looking for pervy pairings to _write_? Gee, actually I wasn't asking for things to _write_...I mean, usually what people suggest to me I use as a springboard instead of snatching the idea. It was more a matter of interest, asking for unexpected pairings and laughing about it to myself...(I'm so easily amused...) But your ideas did light up some interesting thoughts for me, even if it's only for an idea for a non-romantic encounter...but maybe...maybe a thought will come up for me to write one of your ideas...I'd say it's much more probable to have ItsukiXTomonori than TomonoriXWhite Rabbit. But...You never know. I'm really very fond of TsukasaXTomonori ((sigh) my great weakness…)...but maybe I'll get an idea that works, and _if_ I do, I'll dedicate the story to you, because it IS an idea with potential, ItsukiXTomonori I mean... (thoughtful)

5) Squee! Bonus points! Yay! So you don't think I'm an insensitive jerk, you think I'm worth laughing at. Well good, you have a sense of humor in addition to actually thinking through the eyes of a character. Boy do you rock! I'd be really happy to get another review from you if you have the time (and the boredom (wink)) Thanks again for being the perfect little test gerbil reader for me! Here...have a pineapple! It's fresh and it's from Florida...you know, I _would_ give you some ACTUAL non-pervy citrus, but we're not allowed to grow them where I live because they had a canker scare and they didn't want the disease to spread to any possible major crop farms in the area. (does that suck or what?) But...er...that pineapple ought to be plenty sweet! (flings pineapples) Thanks again for the review and the pocky! I have more weirdness for you at the end of the reviews...just in case you need a laugh still. Please keep reading!

**Shisshi**- Bravo! Finally, someone else who reads DD! If I wasn't so weird about lack of touch, I'd glomp you...but maybe I'll just send you a bishie in the mail or something (Raenef glomps Shisshi then goes back to eating tomatoes like nothing ever happened...) Y'know...It's funny but there are vague parallels on the surface between Eclipse and Tomonori and Raenef and Tsukasa. Heheh, not to mention both sets make great couples (devilish laugh) But still. Here's tons of tomatoes for you! Happyfaced ones! (shifty eyes) Make sure nobody does a death drill with one eye on them eh? (laughs) Um...I believe I have addressed the paragraph thing and the descriptiveness crap quite a bit by now (sweatdrops). You officially can whack me on the head for being too far along (not to mention too obsessively crazy) on this past chapter to do anything about the descriptiveness factor. I spent seven times as long on this chapter as I did on any other pervious(--ahem! PREVIOUS! What a weird typo! (cough)) one. So my fingers seem to have attempted to compensate with something insanely long. (sigh) Expect long chapters for a while I guess. I have parts done up to chapter eleven you know (chapter eleven in particular's rather lengthy right now...)... Er...paragraphs I'm working on still, though. GIANT TOMATO! (grin) Yay for pathetic demons! Though technically, Raenef's a demon LORD, and Eclipse is the demon...but Eclipse isn't pathetic enough (Eclipse sets her on fire and she goes screaming off the screen shouting 'please keep reading! AIEEEE MY HEAD!')

**Evfrosyne, empath89, and Tha Wrecka**- I'm very glad you liked it! I hope you keep reading. Yay for TXT slash (passes empath a banner and a new TXT T-shirt), and yes...paragraphs are hopefully improving...gee, are they that bad? I have ...(counts) er...an almost obscene number of people telling me my lack of paragraphs royally sucks. Note to self: convert to visual learning! I honestly can't tell if things are badly spaced half the time because I'm too absorbed in my own little world. Again, I apologize most humbly. You may now throw your rotten fruit. (blindfolds herself and cringes)

**Shi Ting-** (convulses in horror) Oh...(twitches) and nice name. Hee Hee. Shi Ting. I like it. (cough)Well...(swallows) You have established that I'll never have a pervy mind as long as people like you can refrain from provoking the neurotoxins and expensive therapy from going to waste. (weak smile) I guess I asked for it. Good thing I don't have to write that...God, that would kill me... (sticks some soap in her ear and scrubs around a bit) Thanks nonetheless for actually reading the note. (smirk) poor Tomonori would have a nosebleed at best at the suggestion... (giggles at that bit, and adds clueless Tsukasa) (cackles) I believes I haves an idea... (giggles) I suggest you keep an eye out for your appearance in the next chapter's and of chapter parody, okay? You've given me a brilliant idea. Thanks loads for being such a great sport too. You are hereby placed on the list of 'people to get the bishounan angst slaves to glomp for me' (eyes the cage) Who's the lucky guy? (sniggers) angstslaves: (gulp)

**saiko-hannah-chan-** (looks vaguely uncomfortable as she's hugged) er...thanks! It's really nice to get people who despite catching whiffs of OOC-ness still go so far as to call it 'brilliant' (though my thesaurus like brain thinking that it would be nice to have a 'shiny' story instead kinda ruined the moment by becoming unbearably weird on me again...) Hopefully you won't have to wait all that much anymore for updates, no matter how beautiful or descriptive my story may be, it's no good if it stays in one chapter forever! (blinks as she's sprayed) gee...and the doctors told me that a bite from a six headed evil venus flytrap wasn't going to get infected...(sigh) that's the last time I visit that quack! Don't worry. I might not like my ideas sometimes, but they don't often run out on me...writers block isn't a big issue for me most of the time--especially when I have other people's ideas to bounce off of. But thanks anyway! The thought is extremely kind, and I appreciate it. All you really need to worry about is my superiority issues--if I don't think my idea or story is good enough, I won't post it! The real thing I worry about is having a lack of good ideas. ...'psycho' eh? (laughs) well done. I don't suppose you have a particularly colorful assortment of straightjackets? ...lime green and black striped anywhere? (hopefully) Heheh. You rock. Here...take some dancing strawberries. (strawberries hop over and begin breakdancing)

**Pell-mell**- hahahaahaaa! And you thought last chapter was long! (grins irritatingly) But you're someone I EXPECT is a fan of Tomonori (judging by your own story that is), so hopefully this one is a bit more to your liking. Technically I wasn't ungrounded when I updated chapter five, I cheated. Shame on me.(slaps herself) Hey...update YOUR story, okay? It...grew on me, alright? (looks shifty) Technically when I copy/pasted it all to my personal disk for my laptop fanfiction library, I wasn't ungrounded either...I'll have to check and see if there are any updates. Oh, and I swear when I get back, I'm giving you so many reviews that your head spins! Your story is far more creative than mine, I'll have to struggle to be as inventive as you! Grr...(You're so cool!) Few people can pull of a romance with Tomonori without Tsukasa, and you're one of them! Keep up your own good work, okay? I'll go review it until the cows come home when I have a free moment! You get some dancing strawberries too...er...these ones seem to be...bellydancers. (sweatdrops and chucks the plant over.)

**Bo Jang**- Oh I dunno...wish you could read it too? Hmm...can you even read this? (jokingly) Hope you can catch up and tell me to fix my paragraphs like everyone else! (smiles) drop a review when you get the time to finish, alright? Sorry for the long chapters which are giving you difficulty, I just hope you get the chance to read them... (smiles) tell me what you think when you finish, alright?

**Worthless Shadow**- Now now now...sometimes random fluff is good...small doses can be nice or even show a contrast if used in a sad story, but still I'm glad you DON'T count my story as a plotless bit of decorative poofy cotton to blow off and let flutter in the breeze. Fluff tends to snag on the plot line, it doesn't work very well --unfortunately enough-- in most stories. (sigh) Often times it makes you feel good, but doesn't really do much else. It's fluff. It tends to be pretty useless if you're trying to string along a plot. It's a suspense killer. Suspense has spikes. Covering spikes in cotton kinda defeats the purpose of SPIKES. (wow I feel poetic writing to you...(giggles)) Still...I MAY have something fluffy coming up...but not with Tomonori and Tsukasa--so it attributes to the angstyness! (tell me what you think when chapter eleven comes along...assuming I don't have a radical plot changing idea, it'll be there. And yes, it'll be quite obvious...) Oh? I amuse you? For shame! Gee, if you want to be amused, I think 'Sex Ed' my one shot would be good for you if you haven't already read it... (grin) But still...there's parody at the bottom of the review responses. (grins) Enjoy! (or else! (wink)) I'm considering making it a more or less customary morale booster from now on, because it's fun to write. (sniggers) Should I?

**Moon Maiden of Time**- CUTE? (aghast) oh dear. My machoness is insulted...and I'm a girl too! (smirk) Don't tell anyone...if they find out it's cute I'll have to change my name and hop over the border to Mexico to escape the shame. (giggles) When will they learn? (cackle) Well if I told you, it wouldn't be good storytelling now would it? Not to mention I haven't even written the chapter yet, so I couldn't give you the specifics anyway...(eye roll) Um...The response at the top to Argent Inluminai details what problems I can see that Tomonori and Tsukasa have to deal with in order to reach the happy ending. I feel cheap copy/pasting in the same review response to two people (it's just not fair I guess), but that response has the deep psychological crap in it if you want to look (around number 3 I believe). I tried to explain most of the basic issues that may, or may not be clear to everyone right there. (smiles) Thanks for reviewing though, I really appreciate it. Notably though, Tsukasa doesn't exactly think it's the best idea in the world to love Tomonori either, (because it makes Tomonori uncomfortable etc.)...er...it's a two way problem you see...actually more than that, but you get the point. (waves hand dismissively) Here's a CUTE strawberry for you. (washes hands afterwards) Er...I think it's a chibi too...notice the big sappy eyes and all (shudders) and to think it was growing in MY garden! (venus flytrap eats a dog passing by in the background) I don't understand it at all (mystified by the presence of 'cuteness')

**Remeira**- is the washcloth because you don't feel well or because chapter five had some embarrassing situations? (wince) If it's the former, I hope you feel better. If it's the latter, gee I'm sorry...want a blindfold next time mental picturing calls for naked people? (folds up a giant TXT banner to make a blindfold and ties it on Remeira's head) (grins) and it's stylish too! You know... I've never tried talking to spiderplants, but when my herb garden starts growing, I'll berate it constantly for spreading too fast and choking my ever-bearing strawberries, and I'll tell them that they're famous, and they'd better shape up before the camera crews come asking for autographs. (giggle) You want a dancing strawberry? Hmm...here's ballet...here's 'slow dancing'...which sounds good to you? (the ballet plant balances on it's root tips and begins imitating a prancing unicorn battling against a small scale hurricane/blackhole opening in the middle of it's peaceful meadow while the slow dancing ones seem to be involved...doing something rather graphic) er...your pick?

**Ryzuki-** fear not oh eraser fangirl...for you are sadly going to have your mind split up into thirds forever and ever...oh boohoo...NOT. Here...um...well...I don't seem to have any Gabriel paraphernalia...maybe I should work on that for you... (crosses out 'TXT' and writes 'Gabriel') there! Now you have a Gabriel banner! all betters. Um...don't let Lafayel hear you talking, he'll probably get overexcited and something bad will happen because of it(cringe) I STILL don't have that muffin mix off the ceiling... (mutters to herself)

(((For everyone who liked the 'parody'...er sorry. this is my vent you see, it makes me feel much better after writing in a characters head for too long. This time's is especially long.))))

NF: (ahem) Welcome back reviewers! This week's 'review chat' is brought to you by millions of evil hamsters running in their wheels.

(cuts to hamsters)

hamsters: (whirring wheels and feral growls)

(cuts back to NF)

NF: and now... (ahem) Ryzuki, I can assure you, Gabriel is fine...in fact, I think his master rescued him somehow with a giant wet noodle and they skipped over the rooftops into the sunset somewhere...(waves hand dismissively)

Remeira: (blinks. the massive banner blindfold is off-balancing him/her) (Remeira falls over under the crushing weight of fandom)

Tsukasa: (innocently to Neurofeces) Really? How can you tell that's what happened to Gabriel?

NF: how else would Lafayel be lying over there, KO-ed with a giant wet noodle and muttering about insolent inferior humans?

Tsukasa: (blink) oh...when you put it that way...

Tomonori: (eyes the noodle) ...hn...whoever cooked that noodle overdid it.

NF: that would be _your_ expert opinion oh mighty master chef.

Tomonori: ...(A vein pulses in his forehead)

Gabriel: (pops in out of nowhere to make Ryzuki happy) ...Master? (wondering where his master just went)

NF: Hey you! (jabs a finger at him) You'd better look...oh, I don't know...Gabriel-esque? Whatever...DO IT so I keep another reviewer happy!

Gabriel:... (tries to look more noble, but just seems confused)

Tomonori: You know...you could leave us out of this...(rather annoyed)

NF: (shrug) yeah, I could. But me dancing with an accordion and a pile of strawberry plants and a hat out to collect reviews doesn't work out as well as something filled with lots of pretty-boys. It's a marketing thing. (waves hand absently)

Tsukasa: (blink) We're a marketing ploy, Tomonori-san?

Tomonori: (looks pissed at Neurofeces, but hugs him anyway reassuringly) apparently...but that doesn't mean I care for you any less, Tsukasa.

Tsukasa: (beams and hugs him tightly around the chest)

NF: (whistles loudly to catch their attention) HEY! Get a room!

Tomonori: (glares and gets quietly embarrassed)

Tsukasa: (blinks)

NF (walks off muttering to herself)

Tsukasa: You know, she's a very strange person Tomonori-san...

Tomonori: (left eye twitches as he glares at Neurofeces' back) that's one way to put it...

Lafayel: (groans and sits up) (eyes narrow as he catches sight of Gabriel)

NF: (notices he's up) Oh good, you're not dead yet...I might have had to get someone else to wear the costume... (smirks and looks at Tsukasa)

Tomonori: (protective) Don't you dare put him in something like that!

Tsukasa: (innocent and helpful)Why not Tomonori-san, I don't mind...

Tomonori: (blanches)

(Sudden silence...crickets chirp and fangirls look overjoyed)

Tsukasa: um...what's wrong Tomonori-san?

Tomonori: (flushes then whispers to him) Tsukasa...Do you have any idea what the fangirls would do if they caught you in something showing that much skin?

Tsukasa: (hesitates then looks over at Neurofeces)

NF: (shrugs and grins nastily) Don't ask me, I don't count as a fangirl. I'm the anti-fan. I'm nobody's fangirl, in fact, I dedicate my life to making happy bishounan like yourself, angsty and miserable. bwahahaa. Fear me. (grins)

Tsukasa: (unsure what to say to Neurofeces) Oh...(turns back to Tomonori) But...it would be bad...If I looked like Lafayel does?

Lafayel: Look bad? (insulted) How dare you suggest I don't look fabulous!

NF: (sweatdrop) Easy Lafayel. You still have more fanboys than anyone else except maybe Mana Kirihara herself. And you're not even a mindbreaker! (Thinking to herself that she's gonna die for this later)

Tomonori: (huge sweatdrop)

Fangirls: eeeew...

Lafayel: (looks rather pleased with himself)

NF: (turns back to Tsukasa) What your overprotective preist-friend is trying to say...

Tomonori: (insulted) I'm not overprotective!

NF: (waves hand) Fine. You're not overprotective, you're just paranoid.

Tomonori: (bristles and seriously considers dismembering her but decides it wouldn't be good for Tsukasa's virgin eyes)

NF:(clears her throat) What he's trying to say is, if you were in that costume, I'm guessing you would be ripped to shreds--your clothing included--by the exuberant females on site. ...And if not, then you would possibly be glomped thoroughly by a group of people who all want to have your babies...but that's the general idea. And typically the fangirls who would go so far as to have your babies don't tend to think that far into the future...(waves hand dismissively) But a lot of your other ones aren't too bad...You'd probably get candy or something from them and people wanting to take your picture because you're cute or something. (rolls eyes)

Tsukasa: (shivers at the 'extreme fangirls' mental image)

Tomonori: (glares in case any people might try to rip Tsukasa to shreds, protectively holding him closer)

NF: OOH! Speaking of candy, I'm not a sugar person. (passes out tasty looking reverse pocky and kudos snack bars) A very kind reviewer named Argent Inluminai passed them by. If you see her Tsukasa...give her a hug. It'll probably mean more coming from you than from me

Tsukasa: Oh! How nice of them! Is this for me? (eyes get even wider)

NF: It is now! Take them! OH!...and share with the rest of the angst slaves, okay? Can't have people thinking I'm becoming a fangirl or anything (shudders and controls the urge to go wash herself clean or something)

Tsukasa: (smiling cutely) OKAY! (takes a bite, beaming) Here Tomonori-san, try some! It's delicious!

Tomonori:...(isn't a sugar person either) Well...

Tsukasa: Please? (uses Bambi-eyes version #53 on him)

Tomonori: (sighs but can't resist the cuteness) oh...alright... (tries some pocky)

Tsukasa: (waiting)

Tomonori: (blink) ...you know...actually...that _is_ QUITE good...

Tsukasa: (beams)

NF:... (both begin devouring the sweets) (Neurofeces sweatdrops)

Gabriel: ...um...Is there a problem?

Lafayel: I WILL ANHILIATE YOU DOWN TO YOUR VERY LAST CELL! (Attacks Gabriel)

Gabriel: (looks vaguely worried) I really am not enjoying this tendency of yours to violence... (shoves him off in another direction)

Lafayel: (swearing loudly as his scarf tangles around his head temporarily blinding him)

NF: (whips out a giant contract and glasses) (squints and reads while Lafayel struggles with his strange clothing choice in the background) Well...you're in luck Gabriel, the fine print says that you don't have to enjoy this...the reviews go up for you just showing up! (grins at him and rolls up the giant parchment scroll again.)

Gabriel: (frowns) (Doesn't remember ever signing a contract, but is too polite to make a fuss about it) ...We really do not have to get into this Lafayel...

Lafayel: (snarls, fixing his scarf up again) You've stolen yet another fangirl from me, you longhaired twit! I WILL KILL YOU!

Gabriel: (sighs resignedly)

NF: (claps hands excitedly at the thought of violence and incidentally stops Lafayel as he looks around for whoever is 'mocking' him) Wonderful! Smashing! You go and do that! I'm going to go get some REAL food...like PICKLES! (turns around and ignores the fact that Lafayel is glaring death at the back of her head)

Lafayel: (muttering to himself)

NF: (skipping happily towards the refrigerator, beaming) Now I can scratch 'cause chaos and mass destruction' off the things to do list...I love this job! (scratches it off humming contentedly) now let's see... what else to do...(remembers Ryzuki) AH...HEY RYZUKI! I FILLED IT UP WITH ERASERS!

(soda machine begins spewing 'pink pearl' erasers all over the place)

Ryzuki: (grins nervously and glomps Gabriel to remove the frightening experience of being leered at by Lafayel/being pummeled by rubber erasers from her mind.)

Gabriel: (looks vaguely surprised but again doesn't say anything)...Hello... Have we met?

Ryzuki: (waves, then shakes head 'no') (puts on a big smile)

Gabriel: (sweatdrop)

Lafayel: (plows into both of them and snarls) NOW you've stolen my fangirls AND you've just stolen my story opportunity! (screams) I WILL DESTROY YOU!

Gabriel: (looks mildly concerned) oh dear...again?

Ryzuki: NOOOOOOOO! (glomps Gabriel tighter)

Gabriel: (trying to breathe)

Lafayel: (hisses like a cat)

NF: Oh don't worry Lafayel, I might make a story with you in it anyway...and you're not listening to me...uh...sure...right...(scratches head absentmindedly and begins plotting for more stories while muttering to herself) Thanks for waiting Ryzuki! I'll update soon! (backs away slowly as Lafayel and Gabriel continue to fight, now with Ryzuki permanently attached to Gabriel's waist)

Tomonori&Tsukasa: (taking to opportunity to squeeze each other inseparably in the background now that nobody is looking at them)

NF: (stares at them glowering) AND YOU STILL CAN'T ADMIT YOU HAVE THIS WHOLE FORBIDDEN LOVE ISSUE--which is a load of balderdash by the way--AND REALLY THINK THE OTHER IS SOME SORT OF PERFECTION ON EARTH? GOD, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU TWO! BLIIIIIND!

Tomonori&Tsukasa: (fall over in shock at the loud shout and land in a rather 'compromising position) (blush brilliant scarlet)

NF: (grins evilly) (whistles and skips away into a fake sunset and splats.) ow...my skin...derrrn...(passes out in a mass of cancerous ash)

Tomonori&Tsukasa: (pretending that they didn't just fall on each other and whistling 'innocently' while the other two erasers plus eraser-fangirl bicker it out)

Gabriel: (stops) Master!

Mindbreaker (is his name 'Kuro'?): ...(grins) What have I told you about playing rough, Gabriel?

Gabriel: (looks ashamed) I'm sorry master, it will not happen again.

Kuro: Hey...it was a joke--oh...it's you again. You know, you really need to work on this whole 'clothing covers skin' issue...

Lafayel: (hisses)

NF: (tosses Kuro the noodle)

Kuro: (whacks Lafayel with the noodle)

Lafayel: (knocked clear across the room and lands muttering semi-consciously about Mizunagi being a baka who stole his teddybear)

Tomonori: (blink) Tsukasa...do you get the feeling we're the only sane people here?

Tsukasa: (blinks innocently) Huh? Um...No...not at all. (looks down at the ground, blushing)

NF: (clears throat) HEY! WHO WANTS TO EAT THE NOODLE!

Tomonori: (sweatdrops a waterfall) Oh...good...me neither.

NF: (finds a giant stewpot of broth) BWAHAHAAAA! GIANT RAMEN! (dunks the noodle in)

Tomonori: (sighs resignedly)

Kuro: (grabs Gabriel's hand and the two of them skip off happily into the sunset)

Tsukasa: (watches them, blushing) (looks up at Tomonori and blushes redder)

NF: ...(stage whispers to Tomonori from the corner) PSST!

Tomonori: (turns around) (blink) Er...yes?

NF: If you're looking for a scenic time to confess your undying love to him...now seems pretty good...right? (wicked grin)

Tomonori: (ignores her, and is surprised nearly out of his skin as Tsukasa jumps on him and begins trying to kiss him senseless)

NF: (bears a pasted on smile of horror while fighting the urge to sweatdrop)Er...okay... Well, at least one of them has good timing... (sweatdrops anyway)

Shiba: HEY! YOU!

NF: uh oh...

Shiba: You-- (catches sight of Tomonori and Tsukasa making out) (goes super pale and runs away screaming)

NF:huh...That was rather...different...

(the single light behind the fake sunset goes out because the hamsters have gotten free and are now hunting for brains.)

NF: Oh bugger...(screams of agony as the hamsters devour her brain)

Tomonori & Tsukasa: (completely oblivious--still making out)

hamsters: (ignore the two bishounan) BRAINS! (they look suspiciously like those weirdly adorable hamtaro hamsters except hamtaro didn't have fangs with blood dripping from them...)

(a wave of killer hamsters descends into the world of the Aquarian age)

_**TO BE CONTINUED WITH FUTURE BOREDOM! (DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN, DUN DUN!)**_

_No bishounan, fangirls, or LOVELY reviewers _

_were harmed in this sudden and unexpected plague _

_of killer cutesy hamsters_

_...just the loony authoress...and don't worry. _

_I'll get better..._

_eventually..._

_you know…_

_with lots of chicken soup and expensive therapy? (nods sagely)_

**This week's featured couples were: Tomonori & Tsukasa, plus minor, halfhearted Kuro & Gabriel...plus evil hamsters and dead Neurofeces and noodles...etc.**

From the person who's nuts about postscripts:

Er...yeah, I'm still here. Um...I just wanted to say...Thanks for waiting guys! I wanted to say, I have a few more stories in the oven (I can't bake, notably, so I expect at least half of them to catch fire and never make it to post...but still, I'm working on it!) expect those to pop up every once in a while...I write just about every genre, so you'll probably find something in not too long...Oh, and I'm not a person to add romance in everywhere (despite what this might look like...) so a few of them are bound to not have pairings if that's really not much of your thing (in which case, I have to ask...er...why are you reading this? I'm not that weird of a writer am I? (nervous))

See you again soon! Wish me luck on that 'rampant ideas' problem of mine.

REVEIW PLEASE AND TAKE SOME PINEAPPLE ON YOUR WAY OUT! GOLDEN RIPE!

(the screen is invaded by evil hamsters)


	7. 7 Dream:Tsukasa

Hi again. Up in a month. Like I promised…Oh fine, it's a little late. But it's unintentional. I was delayed. Hurricane Katrina (as a category 1 storm) hit Florida and I didn't have power for a little while, then we were busy helping out with cleanup, then I got in trouble and my electronics privileges or home were revoked (my school privileges are what allow me to keep my journal, and read fics. My home privileges are what enable me to write fics.) then we got pasted by tropical storm Rita's winds…etc. Hurricane season is a pain in the ass for my update schedule (growls), I intended to have this up by Tuesday instead of Thursday, but hey…there wasn't school, and Wednesday I was out all day on an art field trip. I'm grateful for the extra two days though, because I think I made the scenes a little less confusing in that amount of time…I think… (nervous) It's still confusing (I always seem to screw up Tsukasa's dream scenes…bugger…)

(sighs heavily) I tried to explain…I…I dunno, I guess It's my ex-starwars nut thing coming back to haunt me. I had to make Tsukasa a little less…human (I mean come on! He's an archangel, he shouldn't be acting human in his head. He should be at least a LITTLE different) I hope I haven't stepped over the boundaries of 'artistic license' in doing this but…well…I'm kinda glad it turned out that way…he did I mean. (Oy, I can't talk today!) (ahem) Anyway, I had a little fun in his head. Poor Tsukasa…so confused… (pats his head) I'm messing with all of them aren't I (purely evil cackle) But I'm trying to make Tomonori human (and smart too…because he is) and I'm trying to make Tsukasa a little more angelic/eraser-ish. I can't quite tell for the former, but the latter is pleasing me well enough for now…(smirk) Of course the dream scenes are confusing (even to me) But I think I can make sense out of it before the end…And I believe I've decided what storyline I like, so yes, praise God! (grins happily) I'm already working on part eight.

Once again, forgive my tardiness, it's been really making me upset as well, but I had a lot of work to actually do for once. Hopefully, it won't happen again. (sigh) I can't promise because quite frankly, I don't read the future…but if it is at all within my power to do what I say I will and keep my word, I will. Part eight may take close to a month to get up, but it shouldn't be a longer wait if I can help it. I can't afford to let other things go for this the way I used to, but I hope to still keep to my promise of steady (if slower) updates.

—_**this area once held a soap box rant that should have never seen the light of day—**_

(pales) I had NO idea I kept that there. If you read that, I BEG your pardon! I-I er…(coughs nervously) I was on a roll rant-wise. I italicz-ed it so I would remember to remove it later. (blushes deeply) Oh God. I can't believe I forgot! (hides face and moans to herself) I saved it someplace else, just in case I get people after me for deleting that…but still. That CERTAINLY wasn't supposed to go up. (blushes again) Oh my GOD, what was I thinking? (groans)

(ahem…looks embarrassed) Oh one last thing…the parodies seem to be well liked…and I have to admit, I'm having fun…I think they're staying. (giggle)

Lets see if I can make my authors rants shorter than usual eh? I know I bore and tire people with my incessant gabbing.(smile)

_Dedications: I dedicate this chapter to **Foolish Mortal**! Foolish Mortal: 'cause you found time to review…and you write good fics too… I command all who read this to go read their truly awesome fic, 'The Angel'. A poem-fic to William Blake's "The Angel"(oh! Convenient!). It's creative, it's descriptive (though not as bad as me…far more manageable(sweatdrops while looking over the last two chapters of Control)), and best of all, it's TXT done a new way!…yes! You heard right! Unlike my 'Tsukasa pines for Tomonori but despairs of him ever finding out' sort of Tsukasa stemmed writing…FM has made a fic where Tomonori's the unrequited lover, and Tsukasa's the one who can't find out! W00T tables turned! It's absolutely my favorite fic! Consider everyone here commissioned. Loyal readers, I would be MUCH obliged if you would go over and read FM's fic, and leave them a review…because their fic is righteous fury in all it's incandescence itself…I commission thee to go and read at least the first chapter! GO FORTH!_

_Also to **Argent Inluminai** who gives me long reviews, and seems to actually have enough personality to say something other than, 'oh…nice story, nice chapter. Your paragraphs suck. Tomonori/Tsukasa is sooooo awesome, I want to have their babies!' (cracks up) Nice to know that there is intelligent life in the fandom. (grin) By all means Keanu Reeves, dodge the raging rabbitholes!_

_Also to **everyone who restrained from beating the crap out of me for lousy paragraphs.** You have no earthly idea how much I love you tolerant people. (sigh of relief)_

**Warnings: Tsukasa swearing ((gasp!) Amou-kun, you potty mouth! Shame on you!), typical shounan-ai kissin'(do I even have to say it anymore? This is a TXT fic remember? (Er…It's rated T for a reason you know, I didn't just suddenly decide 'hey there's a letter T! I like the letter T! K and A suck! Tch. If it didn't have all the kissing and graphicness, I probably wouldn't have rated it so severely now would I?(sweatdrop)), multiple personality disorder…um…not really…but sort of (shrug), a possible setup for a misunderstanding on the part of the fangirls… (what is it with you people and sex?), Tsukasa being almost creepily stalkerishly obsessed with –guess who—Tomonori…(Yeah you knew that, but still…) other than that and the lunacy of the end of chapter parody (which doesn't count)…it's basically fine. If you've managed to survive past chapters, this one isn't going to knock you dead in shock…I would hope it doesn't at least…(smirk).**

_Disclaimer: (sigh) you know the drill. In the chapter, the lines that Tsukasa remembers are from 'a dream within a dream' by Edgar Allen Poe (ahhhh morbid stuff. Poe's an emo kid.)—the poem is shown in italics and centered in the story so it can be easily distinguished, and so nobody can have any doubt that it is utterly not mine. The poetry excerpt below is NEVER mine if it has an author at the bottom. It's(obviously) from Lullaby by W.H. Auden. Therefore, it is not by some nameless sixteen year old authoress geek. If I wrote love poetry, you would probably know it. …Oh dear, I'm rambling AGAIN. (ahem) STOP READING THIS AND READ THE CHAPTER ALREADY! (feels really good about people listening to her…and gets smacked in the face by a tomato) Noooo! (runs to rescue the tomato) _

_Fans and reviewers: (sweatdrop)_

_Notably however, the thoughts on an angel's soul are—unless I happen to find something that thinks the same way, MINE. I had an awesome brood-fest over that. I was musing to myself for over an hour. (grin) Sooooooooul…_

_Lafayel: get to your chapter already you witless buffoon._

_NF: hmph. Cranky bastard._

_Lafayel: What did you call me!_

_NF: (shrugs and goes back to typing)_

-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-

"…But what if you were unable to wake up from that dream? How would you be able to tell the difference between the dream world, and the real world?"-Morpheus (the Matrix)

**"**_Lay your sleeping head, my love, _

_Human on my faithless arm;_

_Time and fevers burn away_

_Individual beauty from_

_Thoughtful children, and the grave_

_Proves the child ephemeral:_

_But in my arms till break of day_

_Let the living creature lie,_

_Mortal, guilty, but to me_

_The entirely beautiful."_

_-Lullaby, W. H. Auden_

-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-

Tsukasa's eyes opened.

The angel's consciousness was strange, aware as he was, but so enveloped in what he was in that it blurred the lines of reality when he managed to fade from it…

It was as though the merest time between this world and his dreams had passed. Like he was living some epic roleplay alternate world in his idle dreams and fantasies-- A role which awoke when he fell asleep in what he considered reality…

His gaze focused sharply and in that moment of imperfect clarity, his eyes were instantly trained on the only other person in the room.

…Of course, there usually wasn't anyone else in the house to look at anyway, so it shouldn't have been any different than any other moment…but it seemed so strange that the first thing he should see would be Tomonori…Almost like it was fate if you believed in that sort of thing anyway (Tsukasa wasn't sure he could believe in fate, but he wasn't very decisive normally either.) Like the first time he had awoken in a hospital: Even then, the first person he had seen was Tomonori…

A strange warmth stirred in him, tainting his skin with a blush—his youth made him blush so easily. He bit his lip, face hot, wondering what he should do, this terrible shyness and fearful caution creeping over him. He could only too well remember the events of earlier in the day…would Tomonori dislike him because he had fallen prey to his desires?

His chest ached at the thought of losing Tomonori's favor. He wanted so badly to please him, but he didn't want to NOT please himself either…and Tomonori…he didn't agree with what Tsukasa wanted…he thought this was wrong--he wouldn't say it! But he thought it!

Tsukasa felt frustration rise in him. He'd never thought that what he felt for the man was wrong, strange, yes—Tomonori was almost a father to him, certainly older, and not even the same species when it came down to it all—but never actually _wrong_. He considered himself to be deformed, and undesirable to someone who was whole…but that just made it unlikely, not WRONG…there had still been a chance…

He sighed inwardly, It made him doubt reality, when he 'woke' like this…

It was almost _too_ real…like he hadn't been truly living in reality, like the colors had been washed out…it was like going from the dark and cold of space to the blinding brightness and color of Earth once again. The visions were dazzling to his eye.

He could see _him_ so clearly… Too perfect, even for him. Even _his_ skin couldn't be that pale and soft looking. Even _his_ hair couldn't catch the light by his cheek and refract the world into prisms and rainbows amidst a curtain of glistening black…

And of course…the real Tomonori wouldn't motion to him to come over like that…

Tsukasa's heart pounded, he wished his face wasn't as red as it probably was, he wished his hands would stop trembling as Tomonori let Tsukasa walk behind him at the table and guided place his chin on his shoulder.

He would never do all that and only smile and lift a hand to brush Tsukasa's blond hair from his face... The real Tomonori wouldn't move the stack of papers from the stool next to him, and draw it close to his chair, and guide him to sit down close enough to touch, close enough to hug him one-handed.

Or would he?

Tsukasa trembled. He wasn't sure whether Tomonori knew what he was doing or not…whether he had acknowledged this feeling that Tsukasa felt for him, or whether he somehow had forgotten…but it certainly affected the boy. He struggled all the harder to control his blush, but he could never hide these things away…not for long at any rate…

Tsukasa _knew_ deep in his screaming subconscious that it was a dream…at least he knew it was a dream if what he thought of as real _was_ real…whether he was right or not he had no idea though…it confused him sometimes… but he _loved_ dreams like this—if that was what this was...

In these dreams he could at least pretend that Tomonori would touch his face like that when he awoke, that he might react to Tsukasa's affections without question or shock, but with satisfaction, or comfort…even enjoyment…

Tsukasa nearly gasped at his own daring—to consider that he might be—somehow—a pleasant…thing? (how could he ever describe what he hoped to be?) to Tomonori…that one day, he could hug him, he could touch the man's dark hair in return, that he could kiss…

Tsukasa pulled himself back at that thought. 'No! No kissing him! I can't put him through that again…not _him_! He hated it so much when I do that, he became so distant…so hurt by me not being able to be the son he dreamed of…me, always wanting more from him, after all he's done for me…and I was horrible at it anyway!' He thought to himself disconnectedly. 'I can't put him through that again, I can't make him so ashamed…so ashamed of me.'

Despite his fright, despite his guilt, he could pretend—almost too easily—that _this_ was real, and that the waking world was just some bad dream, that he could wake up from to find Tomonori there, comforting him, telling him that he loved him, that reality was a nightmare, and this world within the maelstrom of his dreams was real, only real…

Only true…

'I don't care what he says! I won't find anyone else who I love the way I love Tomonori-san…and He won't ever find anyone who loves him as much as I do!' He thought painfully. 'But it's wrong…wrong for me to do this…for anything to happen…all I can do is protect him, and most of the time, he won't even let me do that!'

Maybe the world would be perfect if he could just sleep forever, and feel these beautiful dreams spinning around him until he was cocooned like an insect in a web…maybe he could feel this world tangled around him as his new reality forever…if these dreams weren't already…

Tsukasa sighed. resting his head on Tomonori's shoulder "What are you working on?" He asked softly, trying to still his desperately confused and upset mind. For now, he had this. He had this much comfort in the world… The man's body seemed solid, and warm, that in itself was soothing.

Black eyes glanced at him through rimless lenses, surrounded by a fringe of equally black eyelashes. His skin was a delicate shade of ivory. As ever, his lips lifted in a smile, faintly sketching a mirror image smile onto Tsukasa's smaller mouth as though almost a mere effect of it's very presence. Tomonori's smile made a soft contrast against his fair complexion, though not as striking as the hard blue-black of his hair against the same pale skin…But the smile breaking through the solemn expression…

Tsukasa felt his cheeks warming at the familiar fluttering of his heart. That smile always bewildered him, made him feel strangely dream-like. He couldn't assume reality just by the presence of that smile…that was what made this all so confusing…his days were dreams. His nights were dreams. The only difference was that one set of dreams was a frustrating reality of unquenched longing, while another one was the frantic, desperate, animal scrabbling of his mind for fantastical scenarios…wishing that perhaps he could impress Tomonori, that he could maybe just gain his approval, save him from something and earn his acceptance and then…maybe he would be worthy of asking Tomonori if he could _possibly_ love him…but he could never find enough, he could never prove himself good enough to ask for him to possibly accept him like this.

A lump grew in his throat 'I'm so _useless_…even when Gabriel came and Tomonori-san was wounded, even _then_, I couldn't hope to ask him after saving him, because it was my fault in the first place that he had been hit…hit defending me! Protecting me because I can't fight…I always screw things up for him…'

Tsukasa didn't allow himself to linger in that thought, reflecting briefly on how he had destroyed any chance of gaining Tomonori's approval now…

Some horrid thought shot the wings of his heart, and it ceased it's guilty pleasurable flutters, sending it crashing horribly into his stomach. Tsukasa forced himself to stop thinking, only to see, to feel…hoping to somehow cure this thought through the senses with a heartwrenching desperation…

He instantly found himself struck by the fact that at this close range he could see that Tomonori's eyes weren't truly opaque black…that he could see the grain of irises through the deepness of the color—yes, with Tomonori black was a color, not just the absence of color…it was practically color itself…at least to Tsukasa it was…

The light still seemed to dance perfectly over the surface, refracting a single lightbulb into over five miniature reflections each. …Had he ever noticed that in the real world? Did Tomonori's eyes even have that in the real world? Did it matter? What WAS the real world? If the real world didn't have that curtain of ebony hair, that same quietness, that same smile, and that same face, then what good was reality?

It was all so perfect...those eyes, that smile, his gentleness…

Perfect world? Or perfect dream?

Tomonori's hand cast warmth into his shoulder, comforting weight, it's touch making Tsukasa jump. His heart nearly stopped, the blush returning and heating his face. His skin prickled. 'can you know what you're doing to me Tomonori-san? Can you see what this touch makes me _feel_ for you…Can you see how much I've wished for it to be something more than friendship?' he wondered, the lump growing in his throat. Sometimes he had wished so desperately that Tomonori could have been one of those distant cold, remote people that never touched, and only spoke harshly…but he wasn't. He was a quiet, private man, but warm beneath it all, kind, and caring, even if he was rather reserved to the rest of the world…The boy's heart ached.

It was all the more a curse to Tsukasa that he could be so kind to him…

Tsukasa would sooner _die_ than willingly hurt him—He could never hurt Tomonori…not after all he'd done for him…He wished more than almost anything that Tomonori had let him run to his master and beg for her to take these feelings from him…but Tomonori didn't want him to change, and no matter how much his heart screamed in agony, he just wanted to make Tomonori happy…and if he insisted on changing himself, it would make the man upset. And he didn't want that—OH! He didn't want that at all!

So…he forced himself to not react, or at least try not to…oh it was hard, he just wanted to run forward and hug him, comfort him…'but he doesn't want me…' Tsukasa thought to himself, swallowing the lump again.

"I'm just grading papers...the end of the semester is getting close." Tsukasa nodded sadly.

His dreams were always peaceful, always normal, with the exceptions of the nightmares he had about his past…But this time, it felt as though he were strangely conscious. Strangely aware that this was only a dream, that it wasn't real, and before-- in what he thought was the real world-- he had always seemed to have so much trouble with Tomonori…had always been so confused…

Would Tomonori love him when he woke? Or would he have to pretend to be a simple son, a simple friend?

…Pretend, while every simple smile seemed to have something more behind it that told him to take the plunge…even though he was afraid, so afraid…

Pretend when every touch was sheer agonized longing as he wished it had the same utter hunger for just the simple sensation of skin that he felt? He was afraid _not_ to pretend, but it made him so sick with longing every time he was forced to not express his feelings in a blast of sudden emotion. Had he anything less to fear than rejection by the one he needed the most, he might have said something before this…but now…now he was filled with no satisfaction for the deed, only deep hollow regret, mingled with horror. Horror that this could turn out so far from what he had yearned for, as well as the horror he felt the he could have done this and hurt Tomonori!

He was starved for touch, he craved feeling, but he could never get enough to sate him…he couldn't ever seem to get enough of those moments of tousling of his hair, those gentle hugs…and certainly, their kiss, bad though it had been, he wanted more of that more than just about anything.

Lines of poetry lovingly read so long ago would come to him as he slept… Half conscious little threads of reality? Or threads of dream?

Whatever it was he recalled it in, he recalled one now….

'_You are not wrong who deem That my days have been a dream;_

_Yet if hope has flown away, in a night or in a day…_

_In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less **gone**?_

_**All** that we see or seem, is but a dream within a dream…'_

His eyes closed for a long instant, then he opened them again, staring at the ground.

Tsukasa wasn't really a person who wondered about his own sanity--it simply never occurred to him that the blending of dreams and the real world into something confusing was a sign of madness. He didn't wonder if he was crazy, not even now as he tried to figure out what was real… He only knew that he had to exist somewhere.

Most likely because visions, especially through dreams, were part of the heritage of any eraser.

Especially _him_…He was, after all, the Angel of Judgement. Human legends portrayed him as the angel with the trumpet held to his lips, ready to blow as a signal for the end of the world. Tsukasa smiled to himself 'How odd it is that they could be so close with their predictions…' he thought to himself, staring at his hands 'Israfel, the eraser who will fight to end the aquarian age once and for all…'

It brought him a small shred of desperate hope to think that this might not be a dream, but a vision of the future…that in the future, Tomonori might love him in the ways he only could dare to be dreaming of…

But this strange, almost skeptical awareness?

But a dream within a dream… 

He frowned, worried—That was the _real_ riddle…this had never happened to him before—Skepticism and Disbelief were human feelings. They was usually utterly and completely absent from his thoughts, simply because it was unnatural for him to feel anything derogatory that was human beyond self doubt. It was simply not in his nature to doubt the reality of something that he had been given as true. Truth was truth—But _he_ was strange…

He couldn't be sure that he would always make the right decision, in fact, most of the time, he seemed only to make things worse, but aside from that usually endearing lack of confidence, that shy uncertainty…he felt nothing so…shrewd as this…

He was an angel. Despite his past sins, it was only his nature to be innocent and guileless. This was an unnatural awareness, this certainty that this was not reality at all…An almost _human_ awareness…a blunt certainty bordering on arrogance to someone so guileless as he was…

And despite all he _was_…Student, Friend, Soldier to his Master… he was NOT human. No matter his outward form, no matter how much he wished to be human, he just simply was no more a human by nature than he was a bird.

He could lose himself acting the part of a human. He loved to be human, to revel in the world of humans…also it pleased Tomonori… But he knew deep down in his heart and soul that he could never truly pay the part, his blood was eraser blood, his heart was an eraser heart…Even his soul wasn't human, no matter what he said…his soul…he didn't even know if he had one--Being an angel, despite what he wanted to _say_ he was…

Despite his longing to be human…

Angels were not meant for mortal life. They were meant to be immortal, were meant to live on, forever, doing their designated duties as servants with obedience and humility…Once that was lost…Was an angel soulless?…Once they fell to mortality and sickness and death, did they lose what souls they may or may not have ever possessed?

He could only wonder…'Is that why I can't ever be forgiven? Because I have no soul to save?' He questioned vaguely.

This skepticism, it frightened him, disturbed him, appalled him with it's human alienness in his mind...

"Is this real?" he whispered, not speaking to Tomonori, not speaking to himself, just whispering. Tomonori looked at him. Perhaps he caught the words, perhaps he did not, and caught only the tone…but nonetheless he was made worried. "Tsukasa...is something wrong?" His hand ceased to write, his eyebrows twisting in worry, wrinkling his smooth forehead.

Tsukasa's eyes lingered on his face. Those wrinkles and lines made him seem so old…but his face was young—despite the maturity he had, he was young.

War did that to people, took their youth and made them seem weary and aged…

Tsukasa felt a deep throb within his chest. Pain at what he could see. 'Oh my God…why do you have to look so old…so beyond my reach when you worry for me? I'm not a child you need to protect! I want to protect _you_ for once! Can't you trust me Tomonori-san? Can't you see that we're not so different…that we might have…a chance?' He thought the last bit tentatively as he gazed deeper into the face. He couldn't read Tomonori's eyes, but they still showed his deep concern. He wasn't emotionless, just guarded…

He wanted so much for them to be together, but the age in the human's face seemed only to drive them further apart…He almost panicked, finding that barrier, that wall, still up guarding his eyes, he felt as though he was running at it and hitting only a bare concrete wall. It hurt every time he hit it. It hurt that he could see, the he couldn't break through…and that age…

…He didn't _want_ that to happen to Tomonori. He didn't want him to be old! He wanted him to be young…he WAS young! He was supposed to be older than _him_ of course, but Tsukasa hadn't wanted to see it that way at all! He didn't want to see some ancient worried old man…he wanted to see the young, kind human who had rescued him from death, who had cared for him without question. The man he saw as his closest and dearest companion and friend, the man he…loved?

But there he was…old, and grave, and worried…warping the beautiful face into something it was never supposed to be…

It was hard to believe he hadn't seen more than a quarter of a century of life.

Tsukasa felt a fear growing in him. Would he look like that? Like Tomonori? All sad and worried and concerned in an undetermined number of years? Would he see nothing of the miracles around him, only the war consuming him! 'Will I never be able to stop worrying for him…worrying that he'll die in this horrible Aquarian Age and I'll be left all alone…I need his strength…I need his help…but I don't want to be so much of a burden on him…"

"_Come on Amou-chan, don't be so negative….They both forgave you. If you stay in the past you'll never move forward!" _Echoed the words in his head…

'But my past is so dirty Itsuki-kun…' he thought to himself despairingly. 'How can I ever hope for _him_ to not see how filthy I am? He thinks I'm pure and clean and perfect and a million other beautiful things, and I _want_ to be…for him. But I'm NOT… and how can I ever hope for him to never see the killer? The mutilated, wingless, horrible heartless person I really am? How can I ever hope for him to want to keep me when I'm like this?'

Echoed words came back to him with the soft mental echo of a sigh: '_No…I don't want you to leave…'_

His heart warmed at the thought of Tomonori wanting to keep him, but inside he was frightened. How LONG might he want to keep him? He couldn't keep running from his past forever…

The past was real…

But right now, _this_ seemed real as well…the dream could go on forever. Strangely perfect as a dream, and strangely long as reality…

Somewhere between dreaming and waking…it was unique…unlike any other dream he'd had.

Tomonori's eyes were still on him…questioning, worried, concerned and kind as ever.

Tsukasa shook his head to clear these distracted thoughts from it.

Could this still be a dream if he was thinking so clearly? If so, this had never happened before…perhaps this really was a vision of the future?

Excitement stirred deep in his stomach.

He smiled shyly at Tomonori. "I'm sorry. It's nothing." He said. He had to forget it. Just lose himself in this dream. This dream was better than reality, right? It was safe here…safe and perfect.

'All the more reason why it shouldn't be trusted, because it is a dream. It could become a nightmare in an instant!' Screamed that newfound voice of skepticism. He felt even deeper unease.

Why couldn't this sleep bring him some rest? Was it really sleep?

Tomonori frowned, unconvinced. Tsukasa sighed "I'm fine Tomonori-san." He looked down at the ground so he wouldn't have to see that worry. It gave him pain to see Tomonori worried. He wanted him to laugh, and be completely relaxed. He wanted him to have nothing to worry about… Tomonori's eyebrows loosened, but didn't fully unknit. "Are you sure?" He asked quietly. Tsukasa bit his lip.

Was he sure? No. Of course not. He was confused. _He_ was worried.

He couldn't say anything to Tomonori, just staring at the large, white gloved hand hesitating over the red pen. He was silent for a long time. The hand finally put down the pen it held. Tomonori pulled him into his arms without a word.

Tsukasa closed his eyes, feeling the imagined warmth, the comforting sensation of Tomonori's arms holding him…that warmth…that comfort had to be real…

He needed this…He needed to be comforted like a small child…though his true form was ancient…

He liked being close to Tomonori…It made him feel safe, and warm inside as Kirihara's powers and kindness never could…so why couldn't he shake a sense of dissatisfaction from all this? He knew this wasn't real…but that hadn't really mattered before…before he had just needed to feel the relief, the relaxation…the contentedness.

But he couldn't stop the sense of sadness…Because now he could see it as a dream…as _nothing_…

But so real!

Tomonori's fingertips traced soothing circles over the backs of Tsukasa's shoulders. Tsukasa shivered, a phantom ache in his shoulders at that gentle massaging touch.

Tsukasa rested his cheek against Tomonori's chest. The dull heartbeat within gave soft, deep thuds against his ear. Tsukasa couldn't feel his own heartbeat in that moment, just Tomonori's.

He wished with everything in him he could feel this without worry, without hesitation in the real world…whatever it was…whatever was real...

His scars ached, but the fingers against his back didn't stop circling…

It felt strange. Not quite painful, just a dull sensation of wrongness, of unease, but _pleasant_ unease…if there was such a thing…

Pleasure ghosted over his skin, making him shiver as the fingers lightly traced the sensitive scars, the careful touches sending strange feeling squiggling into the pit of his stomach. Mingled with this was aching as he felt over and over and over…that there should be something more there, that he should have wings…that this was a touch that _should_ not be happening, that a limb should halt its path, but it didn't. It sent a coldness into his chest with every gentle tracing motion as he felt the horrible jolt of loss…

He gave an almost imperceptible whimper.

The ache was growing stronger. His wings quivered…wait…he didn't have wings there. They couldn't quiver. They were dead, long since ripped away, and decayed. So why could he _feel_ them? Why could he feel this strange touch? Why should he feel such _emotion_ stirring in him at these touches-not just sadness, but…more?

But he felt like they should be there! He could almost feel them moving! His wings should have been there!

But they weren't there…only Tomonori's hands, gently tracing his scars, the marks that would prove that they weren't there, that his wings were gone.

Tomonori's hands still moved, as the rest of his form carefully bent. His hair brushed against Tsukasa's cheek.

Tsukasa shivered, eyes still closed. He could feel the movement, not see it...

Tomonori carefully moved as Tsukasa trembled slightly, kissing his cheek ever so gently...

Tsukasa felt only sudden unease at the gesture, at the gentle fingers tracing his scars. Something about this wasn't right…Tomonori wouldn't really be so romantic…this couldn't be right…this wasn't the way things were…this couldn't really be Tomonori…

Tsukasa distractedly moved away from the kiss, appalled by his own strange feelings of revulsion…_revulsion_ for this man that he loved? What was wrong with him? He'd wanted this to happen, hadn't he?

Tsukasa shifted to rest his head on Tomonori's shoulder, thoughtfully, his expression troubled. Tomonori's head turned to look at him. There was a sadness, and a sympathy in his eyes. "You don't have to tell me what's wrong…" He said quietly. The doubt faded from Tsukasa. That was him! This had to be real!

He lifted his head to look at him, studying Tomonori's eyes. They were still shielded…but tense, afraid, hesitant… He looked away quickly, as though to defend himself from a blow.

Tsukasa's own eyes widened. He was afraid?

But…that could only mean…

"You…"Tsukasa whispered, surprised, almost unable to speak.

Was this actually reality? Had he wrongly assumed?

Tomonori looked at the ground, tensing. Tsukasa shifted, understanding filling him, he grabbed the man's arm in desperate hope. "You wanted to say it, didn't you? But…you just couldn't tell me?" He could feel the excitement rising in him…just a bit of hope…even if it was a stretch…his face open, eyes wide with hope, a faint flush burning in his cheeks, giving him and even more excited air of fervor.

Tomonori stared, alarmed, his brow tensed again…then suddenly he seemed to let go of something inside, sighing heavily.

"I'm sorry…" He said. He seemed nervous. Dreadfully nervous. His words stumbled over one another—most unlike him. A dark, foreign hue rose to his pale cheeks, deep red suddenly glowing there, revealing his embarrassment, his manner imploring and apologetic, even though he couldn't seem to meet Tsukasa's eyes.

"When I saw you…hurt…I can't tell you how guilty I felt. I…I was…alarmed by it…" His jaw muscles twitched slightly as he visibly swallowed. "but…" He whispered, seemingly at difficulty to even try to pull his words together long enough to answer—MOST out of character and alarming. Nonetheless, Tsukasa felt his heart leap—that strangely out of character seeming embarrassment was _proof_ that the man was telling the truth.

"I-I knew there had to be something!" He babbled excitedly. Tomonori's eyes widened with the force of Tsukasa suddenly hugging him. He smiled slightly though, returning Tsukasa's affections more gently. "I'm sorry." He said quietly, the smile fading back into concern. Tsukasa shook his head, heart still laughing. "No, don't be, Tomonori-san! Oh, this is wonderful…I've dreamed of this…" He smiled happily against him.

Tomonori's hand hesitated, then touched his hair, smoothing it. Tsukasa felt his eyes closing, he leaned into it, like a cat would lean into someone petting it's head. His expression delighted. Tomonori hesitated again.

Tsukasa opened his eyes. Indecision crossed Tomonori's face. _Dreamed_…He'd _dreamed_ of this…

Tsukasa felt worry flare within him. "Um…are you sure, Tomonori-san?"

The expression that crossed Tomonori's face was suddenly almost reminiscent of Kaname. Not to mention, rather expressive for such a normally passive face. A sort of sad, mocking half smile.

"Tsukasa, I'm never sure." He said quietly.

Tsukasa felt the stirrings of unease drift within him again, was this real? Was this a dream?

Tomonori's expression softened back down into it's customary gentleness. The entirety of his face smoothing back down again to faint traces of emotions rather than an expressive and readable twisting…"But while you're here…" Tomonori murmured almost to himself. His face was curved into a strange bitter, rueful expression.

Tsukasa cast his eyes to the ground. Yes…he'd dreamed of this…almost exactly like this…too perfect like this.

Still too clean…too beautiful…too perfect…too optimistic…

That everything would just fall together and Tomonori would love him, and he would love Tomonori, and nothing would ever separate them…?

Things were never so clean…

"This is a dream, isn't it?" He was disappointed. His eyes lowered to the ground. Tomonori tilted up his chin to look at him. "What do _you_ think?" He asked in a whisper. His face changed from a strange unreadable calculating gaze into an emotion of longing, of deep heartfelt wish in an instant.

Too fast.

Tsukasa's eyes widened in an instant as Tomonori swept forward and kissed his mouth. "Mnnh?" He tried to question, he tensed against him, taken aback. 'OH! Tomonori-san would never be so forward! …Would he? What's happening?' he thought to himself desperately.

Tsukasa's face flamed red…His stomach was jumping inside him. He couldn't seem to figure out what to do with his hands. His eyes stared, surprised…

Then he relaxed, closing his eyes as he realized what was happening, who was doing it... He gave a soft noise in the back of his throat, his hands snatching at the shoulders of Tomonori's robe, his fingernails making scratchy noises on the fabric as he curled them into fists.

Amidst the sudden bewildered shock, and the sudden heat flooding his chest, he was aware of Tomonori's fingers stroking the hair at the nape of his neck, his fingernails delicately tracing against his scalp...

'This is still too perfect!' his strange skepticism screamed at himself, the rest of him wasn't listening, too caught up in what Tomonori was doing….

This was like a dream come true!

…yes…like a dream…

A dream.

My days have been a dream… 

Tomonori pulled back suddenly. He placed his hands on Tsukasa's shoulders, lacking any of Tsukasa's dazed expression. "leave it at this, Tsukasa." He said suddenly in a flat tone.

Tsukasa's heart was pounding. 'Leave it at…_this_?'

He was flushed a brilliant red, even MORE unsure how to look at Tomonori now…

Tsukasa found his voice floundering somewhere in his stomach "Wh-what? Leave…Wh-Why?" He whispered, shocked, feeling his eyes prickle and a lump settling in his throat.

Why would Tomonori kiss him like that, if he wanted things to go back to normal. Back to NOTHING! Why? This didn't make any sense! Hadn't he just said that he had loved him!

His heart gave a strange pang.

Tomonori smiled sadly, moving back away from him further, Tsukasa's hands unable to reach his shoulders any more, his hands fell away. He couldn't seem to think of anything he could do with them…He stared, horrified.

"Because I'm a teacher." Tomonori said quietly, face grave.

Tsukasa hung his head "and I'm a student." He finished, sighing. 'I should have known…even if he feels the same…he still can't let us…no…it's still wrong…'

Tomonori simply gave him a sad smile, cocking his head in a strangely expressive gesture. But the expression was almost bemused, as though he hadn't thought of it. "Yes." He said. Was there surprise in the tone?

Was it surprise that Tsukasa already knew?

Tsukasa clutched at his arm. "But nobody would know, Tomonori-san!" He whispered feverishly. "We could hide it!" His voice shook with desperation, his eyes frantic, pleading.

'just give me a chance!' he begged mentally.

Tomonori looked at him, his face grave, suddenly wise. "But _you_ would…_You_ would know…and would you want to live in fear, forever, Tsukasa?…Don't you understand?"

Tsukasa was struck speechless, staring.

He was familiar with the patchy methods of his memory…But at those words the dream…or perhaps the vision he had received earlier that day came back in a rush at those words.

He backed away with a little jerk, hands to his temples. "Oh!" He cried out, his face becoming pained with realization. "You're one of his emotions, aren't you? …this is a dream, right!"

Tomonori smiled down at the table again, and took a sip from his coffee. "You've remembered, then?" He said quietly, not looking at Tsukasa

Tsukasa shook his head frustratedly. He didn't want to see those deceptive emotions anymore! Not after the last time he…

He swallowed suddenly lost in the memory of Tomonori's mouth on his…

He shook it off. "This isn't fair!" he cried out, his fist clenching. Tears stung in his eyes. His throat became swollen with a lump. He couldn't even have what he wanted in his dreams anymore!

Tomonori sighed, sympathetic as ever. "You know better than to think things might ever be…" He said, in his customary quiet voice.

Tsukasa gaped, shocked. Anger flashed in him, but it left just as quickly...leaving behind a cold sense of numbing dread. "B-But…how do you…" He backed away. Tomonori's form seemed to be being used by a puppet master, twisting his face into strange expressions, and his body into foreign gestures. He raised his hand, gesturing eloquently as he spoke. "Because I know _you_." He said with a plain expression.

So plain it was almost readable.

Tsukasa shook his head to clear it. "I've known you for a long time…" Tomonori said quietly.

Tsukasa didn't look at the man for a tense moment. Of course he had. Tsukasa had known HIM for a log time as well, but unlike Tomonori, he _couldn't_ build a shield over his emotions…'I must be so easy to read…' His shoulders fell with this revelation.

"Alright…I know…I know life isn't fair." He mumbled, looking down at the ground. "I know _lots_ of things shouldn't have happened but they did." Tomonori waited. Tsukasa unclenched his hands and stared at them. "But I wish…I wish it _was_ fair…" He said quietly, upset, holding his arms up so his hands could cover his shoulders. His face was cast to the ground. Pain flared in his chest.

For a moment, Tomonori's strangely emotion-possessed face bore an expression of pity, then it frowned. "Wishing never got anyone far. You know that, Tsukasa."

Tsukasa sighed, trying to fight the irritation he was feeling. 'I can't get mad at him…he's done so much for me…and he's right…' His eyes watered. He wiped them, swallowing the lump in his throat, his voice still wavered, cracking. "But all I want…all I want is for you to care about me—him…the real Tomonori-san to care about me the way I feel about him!…it wouldn't have to go-"

"You know that's not true either." Tomonori said even before Tsukasa could finish saying that it wouldn't have to become even slightly physical.

Tsukasa felt shame flood him. He knew the figure close to him, was right. What he felt for Tomonori was love. It had physical elements that he longed for, as well as being about feelings, and words, and thoughts.

His hands subconsciously went to his shoulders, shivering as he remembered that touch that had felt at once so kind, so gentle, and still, brought such horrible feelings up from his past…

He wasn't asking for a friend. He already had his friend…

But neither was he asking for a hot and heavy one nights stand, filled with no words at all only body language, so to speak. He was sure that he would NEVER go so far—It would terrify Tomonori almost certainly! And he didn't want to frighten the man away, because he was so scared to lose him…

But what he WAS asking for…He was asking for a _relationship_…Something that would blend both. It wouldn't be strictly one or the other, but simple words wouldn't satisfy completely…some sort of touch was needed as well…

Again that embrace lingered in his mind, the warmth of his arms, the dull steady beat of Tomonori's heart filling him with contentedness…

Yes. He knew what he wanted...

"But…I-I-I wouldn't ask him to do anything he didn't want to!" Tomonori sighed. "But you're basing this off what _you_ feel." He shook his head suddenly, looking down at his mug of coffee. "You love him, you want to kiss him, you want to be close to him. You are an eraser, Tsukasa. Your body is a reflection of your soul. You cannot see _him_ as being any other way. If he feels, you think he will show it, because that's exactly what…WE would do." The voice morphed from Tomonori's to his own with this strange monologue.

A suddenly smaller hand pushed away the mug of coffee.

His own eyes stared back at him, sad, intense, mirrorlike.

His own fright was suddenly reflected in those orbs…was this what Tomonori felt when he looked at him? He had to wonder…

Tsukasa gasped. The other Tsukasa stood, white robes billowing around him.

"What's going on here!" Tsukasa asked fearfully.

The other Tsukasa didn't look _quite_ like him. His hair was long…his wings…he still had powerful white wings in his back…The feathers so pristine and pure a white that they dazzled the eye with their inhuman radiance…

Tsukasa's eyes were round as his own back gave a phantom ache.

He knew who stood before him with such calmness, such passivity. And why he would spout out such simple truth and wisdom.

Angels couldn't lie and not become demons…

Israfel. This was the angel Israfel.

"Wh-What the Hell is going on? What is this?" Tsukasa shouted, his voice cracking. He was afraid now. His dream was turning all wrong!

"You're not supposed to be here! Why are you here!" He asked, frenzied.

Israfel smiled. "Because I am a teacher."

Tsukasa's knees gave way. He crawled backwards on hands and knees, stuttering. "N-n-no! I'm not you anymore! I-I just want to be human!"

Israfel's expression was sad and compassionate. "But you're _not_ human…" He insisted quietly. "Neither of us are…I'm a part of you. I'll always be a part of you."

"NO!" Tsukasa screamed. He felt tears slipping down his face. He held out his hands in front of him. "You can't! I won't do it!"

Israfel's brow creased in a frown. "…Don't do that…" He said softly, bending down. Tsukasa crawled back in fear. "No…don't run from me…and don't cry…" He wiped the tears from Tsukasa's eyes. Tsukasa stared at him. _He_ was that compassionate angel…he always would be. "I'm no monster. " Israfel murmured quietly, staring into Tsukasa's eyes with the same strange mirror silver shade, filled with a grave sadness. Tsukasa stared at him in horror. "I'm just like you." Israfel said to his speechless human form.

His lips curved into a sad, rueful smile as he pulled away Tsukasa's hands to wipe his face dry. "What would Tomonori-san think if he could see you like this?" He asked kindly. The small lips that Tsukasa saw in the mirror every morning curved upwards into a grin. White teeth gleamed. Tsukasa was shocked. 'Am I really…that pretty?' He wondered dazedly. He'd never stopped to give himself a second glance before…He'd never stopped to even consider it. Tomonori was beautiful…but not HIM…

…by eraser standards, Tsukasa was possibly a bit above average for looks but not much more…but when he wasn't surrounded by erasers…after being around humans for almost three years… He felt an echo of the awe that he had to wonder if humans felt all the time…all the time as the looked at…himself?

His thoughts lingered back on Israfel's words. All thoughts and wonderings about his own beauty fell from his mind at those thoughts. 'What would he think…'

Tsukasa closed his eyes, expression sad and longing. "He would hold me…he wouldn't even ask…he would just care for me…like he always does…" He mumbled, only half aware of what he was saying. He lifted his eyes back to Israfel. Emotion flickered rawly in his expression as he gazed at the angelic version of himself, who watched with controlled expression.

This wasn't fair! "Why can't I just dream about _him_? Why do I have to have a nightmare about when I was _you_! Why can't I just wake up!" He whispered, fresh tears falling from his eyes as he found he couldn't escape this by trying to wake up…

Israfel smiled at himself, wiping away the fresh tears. "Because this is no longer just a sleep. This is a vision. And if you could wake up from a vision…" He shook his head bemusedly, sending golden hair into a rippling movement.

"Think about what would be lost to the world, to the universe." He laughed softly. It was Tsukasa's own light laughter, just more saddened…it was strange for him to listen to…

Tsukasa's eyes were wide "Vision…of the future?" he asked, breathless with hope…'Tomonori-san…'

Israfel smiled, closing his eyes. His head shook 'no' "Of the present." He said, his voice just above a whisper, a soft murmur that somehow managed to carry without volume.

Tsukasa blinked "The present? Why the present? I know what's happening now…"

Israfel grinned again with the mischievous innocence of the angels "You really think you do…yes…you think you do…"

Tsukasa frowned at this statement, biting his lip "But…But that makes no sense…"

Israfel sighed. Tsukasa wondered to himself if the angel had been human, would he have rolled his eyes? "Angels have hearts…remember how he told you that?" His voice didn't hasten or become any louder, it stayed the same as before Tsukasa had spoken, patient despite it all.

Tsukasa shivered. "oh God, yes…how could I not remember?…He could have _died_ just…just to save me…" Israfel smiled "To save _us_…he looks the same at you when you're in my form, as when you're human…he has that same kindness…for both of us…" Tsukasa shivered. "But…you're a murderer…I'm a murderer…" He stared at his hands "My hands are covered in blood…" He whispered.

Israfel's eyes narrowed, his smile faded. His body suddenly tensed. He drew closer to Tsukasa. "you can still feel the taints…when you suddenly become angry…" He moved, whispering into Tsukasa's ear. "You felt it then…when Lafayel fell before you…You become something that we are not supposed to be…our hearts should be pure…but…" Israfel's voice suddenly trembled he trailed off, he looked shaken. He seemed to hunch into his wings, almost hide in them…

Tsukasa tentatively touched his wrist. Even though he feared the angel—no, feared the power that came with the form so often his… he couldn't help but worry for him…

Israfel drew away from the touch with an abruptness that if it had belonged to another being would have been a recoil, but was not. His voice gained it's former strength as though nothing had ever happened. "You feel it…only _he_ could stop us when we became like that." Tsukasa shuddered, he felt the color draining from his face. "No…" He moaned.

Israfel gently placed a hand to Tsukasa's shoulder with a rustle of white cloth. "You cannot deny it. HE still controls you…controls us…even now that he is far away, we can still feel it. He _broke_ us. Even though we serve Kirihara-san now…he still commands us…"

"No!" Tsukasa moaned again, louder this time, and more strained.

Israfel continued as though nothing was happening, though his fingers still rested comfortingly on Tsukasa's shoulder. "Only Tomonori-san can stop it. Only Tomonori-san and Kirihara-san can stop us." Israfel whispered this in a hiss.

Tsukasa trembled violently as Israfel went on. "You can feel it, but don't acknowledge it…We must trust in our new master completely, if we are ever to be washed clean of the sins of the old one." Israfel whispered. His brow was creased in worry and old sorrow, the whispers had softened to something more gentle once again.

Tsukasa shivered. But he knew Israfel was right—Of course he was right! Israfel was _him_! He was _Israfel_! One could not lie to the other without lying to themselves!

Just as most humans had a conscience, Tsukasa had Israfel. They were one body, one soul. One could not exist without the other. He had two thoughts going on in his head at all times, his rasher more hurried thoughts of hi human side, and the quieter suggestions and wisdom of the immortal Israfel…and depending on what form he favored, one would be brought to bear, like the end of a seesaw, one set of thoughts would swing into focus if he remained in human form, and another when he became the archangel.

But even as a human…he could hear that little voice whispering to him from the other side of the seesaw…

It had taken him a long time to accept Israfel as part of him…and only then was he able to take his eraser form…able to wield it's powers…able to see it's weaknesses, it's drawbacks…

"I don't want to hurt anyone." Tsukasa whispered. Shakily toned but firmly intended.

Israfel's wings drooped slightly in sadness. He seemed suddenly weary, his eyes filled with sorrow. "Neither do I." He murmured, looking away.

He sighed slowly as though measuring what to say "But sometimes…we can't help it…sometimes we need to—For the right things we must fight…" Tsukasa gripped his shoulders with his own hands. "No." He said hoarsely.

Israfel's eyebrows furrowed. "…It is not the fighting that is wrong." He said quietly. "It is fighting for the wrong reason that is wrong. Sometimes we will have no other choice. We have to protect Kirihara-san…we have to protect Tomonori-san… We have to fight to protect."

"To protect the people…I care about?" Tsukasa whispered.

Israfel smiled and amended "The people _we_ care about. We cannot protect them from harm if we do not fight." Tsukasa trembled all the more for this simple truth.

"But…I lost my wings." Tsukasa whispered, hands over his eyes.

"I lost my way." Israfel looked off to the side, his face grieved.

"But he didn't care…he saved me…no matter what I'd done wrong…no matter what I was." Tsukasa whispered.

Israfel sighed. "This is not about the past. This is for the present. We must focus on the now. We cannot achieve anything if you refuse to be forgiven…"

"If _we_ refuse to be forgiven?" Tsukasa said hesitantly. Israfel smiled. But it faded again to the look of sad wisdom "You must look harder…see what he really feels. And no matter what it is, you have to accept it."

Tsukasa shook his head. "I…I can't! His eyes…they're always so guarded…" Israfel smiled again, differently this time. Almost amused. "That shouldn't matter…we love his eyes…" Tsukasa's face changed, he looked wistful. He did love Tomonori's eyes… "Yes…" He whispered, smiling in memory, a faint blush painting his cheeks rose. He shook away the sentiment, forcing himself to focus on the argument he was having.

"But Even if I-_we_ love his eyes… they don't tell us anything!" Tsukasa said, upset. He threw down his hands, gripping them into fists. Israfel tilted his head up his face still filled with sad, gentle wisdom "They don't tell _you_ anything." He amended.

Tsukasa's eyes widened, he opened his mouth to ask, but Israfel silenced him. "But they don't have to." Israfel replied. Tsukasa shook his head "But…that makes no sense!" Israfel drew away. "That is all I can say."

Tsukasa shook his head as though it would clear it. "I don't understand!"

Israfel nodded gravely. "Let us hope you will."

Tsukasa didn't understand what he meant by that, but he kept his mouth shut. 'will what? Not understand? Or does he hope that I NOT understand? This all doesn't make any sense at all!'

Israfel took a few steps back, briskly as though he had something he needed to do. "I will leave you to your own dreams now…We both cherish this time…this life. I should not keep you from it any longer" Israfel's pupils glowed with inner fire as they lit upon Tsukasa's, an inner fire more powerful, more controlled than Tsukasa's: The difference between true form and assumed form. "Make your choice…both of us shall follow and live by it…and so will Tomonori-san. Your choice binds us. Remember."

Tsukasa trembled. Israfel had almost without a doubt chosen the words carefully. The word 'bind' had a meaning to it for each of them. They had been bound for years. To be bound by chains, meant no escape unless you were released. To make a choice, Tsukasa would somehow sentence himself to a set of figurative chains, not to be released unless some outside force allowed him to be.

He would live, bound by his choice.

"You should go" Tsukasa murmured.

Israfel smiled again "But I'm not really going anywhere…I am always with you. You'll always be me…somehow…" He placed his fingers where Tsukasa's heart was. "Angels do have hearts." He said with a smile.

The angel vanished in a burst of flame and white wings.

Tsukasa hung his head, overwhelmed. He felt warmth on his shoulders. "Tsukasa…you're crying…" Came a soft voice. Concerned. Tsukasa felt a sudden strange burst of emotion flooding from his chest, heating his face, bringing a lump to his throat. He stared. He turned his body to face Tomonori…what he hoped would be the real Tomonori. "I-I'm sorry…I shouldn't have…I didn't mean to kiss you like that…"Tomonori murmured, casting his head down, ashamed.

Tsukasa buried himself in a bewildered Tomonori's arms.

He raised his eyes to him. "no…" He said quietly, sighing in relief. "This is a dream." He murmured. Tomonori's gentle arms enfolded over his shoulders. His eyes, however, were still unsure. Tsukasa leaned his head against Tomonori. "let me pretend this is real…" He murmured inaudibly. Tomonori looked at him curiously, worried as usual. "Help me." He whispered to Tomonori, raising his arms to around his neck. Tomonori's eyelids lowered, not understanding, but willing to help. "I will." He whispered back, stroking Tsukasa's hair.

"Sometimes…I need to forget." Tsukasa said quietly, his eyes haunted. Tomonori's expression flickered, confused, but his eyes still bore a gentle light.

Tsukasa pulled them into a hug. Because that was what he wanted. This Tomonori of his dreams could never compare with the real man…but nobody would ever have to know…

Tsukasa buried his hands in Tomonori's hair and his face in his chest, hoping that in this dream, he could forget…

He knew he wouldn't be able to. The truth stuck with you…But he was trying!

This was fake, but it was distraction enough, was fantasy enough to bring his mind towards peace…He would have a long time here to forget…

…And he was awoken by the rattling of someone's trash can outside with this very thought.

-o-O-o-

Tsukasa yawned, hugging his pillow as he frowned, trying to hang on to sleep for a few more moments, to capture his dream, opening sleep caked eyes. "dammit..." he mumbled. "Nnngh…" He nuzzled the pillow again, trying to dose back off to sleep again...to just linger for a little bit, so he could still imagine…

He froze muzzily.

…huh?...what was that smell?

He squinted sleepily, his eyes still blurry, sniffing the pillow.

Not his smell, not his scent on the pillow…How strange…

He closed his eyes again, trying to focus his sense of smell. The smell of another head that had used it…shampoo…damp skin…someone else's body. This certainly didn't seem to be his pillow at all...

He opened his eyes for a moment, confused, then opened them wide. He blinked, sitting up abruptly, his tired eyes still trying to focus.

This wasn't even his ROOM! It was Tomonori's! He gasped, blushing. Why was he in here! He looked down at the pillow he was clutching. It even _smelled_ like him…His own unique sent of his hair, of his skin, of his sweat…a human smell, hardly perfumed, but still it was from HIM…

He held it to his nose for a moment, breathing in deeply, a pathetically blissful smile on his face... then, self consciously he lowered it, the smile fading.

He gave a soft groan, lying back down again, closing his eyes and sending his head with a loud whack into the pillow that had tumbled from his fingertips...

His body was in the depression Tomonori's had made sleeping there night after night--the mattress had actually dented slightly around the shape of his body!

Tsukasa gave a slow sigh, mouth forming that same longing smile as before, as he tried to put his body into the exact same position, curve for curve…

He sank down into the mattress, trying to feel the energy there. It made his skin tingle as he succeeded, casting out his senses to feel, to sense, to taste. It made him shiver delightedly.

The whole area buzzed with static, stale, residual energy.

It wasn't the same as Tomonori himself…not exactly…but it was still close. Even though it didn't beat stronger and weaker with the pulses of his heart, even though it didn't carry the same strict controlled output, it was still _his_ energy. Dead energy long since gone and emitted from his body. But _his_, nonetheless…

Tsukasa could hear his own breathing shaking. Had Tomonori slept there as well? Had they...shared a bed? Tsukasa could feel his stomach twist in apprehension. He didn't exactly like to admit it…but the thought…stirred strange feelings in him.

Tsukasa felt a twinge of strange homesickness. Erasers were gregarious creatures. They liked being together in large flocks and groups. They slept collectively, in groups, for protection and comfort…like a nest of hatchling birds, all huddled together for warmth in the chilling cold of space. He was used to the mingling of energies around him as he drifted off to sleep in a crouch, wings hunched and bent to hide or hide under the others around him…the musty scent of feathers and the shuffle of wings as they merged in a thick blanket of feathers, mostly white. Mostly blond heads bowed in wary dozes…

It felt strangely cold sleeping alone…

Tsukasa blushed deeply. It wasn't sexual! He told himself, hotly. 'I don't want Tomonori-san to actually _sleep with me_…I just…would feel better if he was close!' Tsukasa convinced himself hastily. Still…there was a tiny edge of his mind that doubted the statement was absolutely true. He ignored it, blushing.

He searched the residual energy inside the house, frowning still, vaguely.

Tomonori wasn't there...but his energy... Tsukasa tried to control the strange feelings dancing through his stomach and the heat flashing through his cheeks. The energy surrounded him. He pulled the blanket over his head, feeling the tingle of human energies all over his body as he did so…It was like watching a cat addicted to catnip, half drugging itself on the fumes… Tsukasa tossed and turned nearly giggling aloud at the ticklish feelings on his skin…His hands spread wide as though he was about to make a snow angel. He grinned up at the ceiling. One of his hands tingled even more strongly. He blinked, shifting to place a hand to the spot…

Tomonori's energy was strong by the edge of the mattress on the floor...

Tsukasa searched his sleep-drugged and human energy drunk mind for what had happened the night before, lying on his side. He rubbed his eyes.

Of course! He had fallen asleep at the table! Tomonori must have carried him...His heart softened at the thought of the human's kindness…He frowned thoughtfully. Why wasn't he in his own room though?

He couldn't think of a single reason why Tomonori would put him here…at least he couldn't think of a single reason that he could find logical at the moment: The idea of Tomonori _lusting_ after him was so absurd it would have been almost comic. Besides that, Tsukasa felt he knew Tomonori well enough to know that even if by some bizarre cosmic joke, the priest DID feel that way, he would never show it in so bold a way by bringing him to his bed.

Tsukasa smiled inwardly, amused at the idea.

'that's stupid…Tomonori-san would never do something like that, if I'm here it must be because he's helping me somehow.' He smiled sleepily.

"so…what is it?" he asked himself in a mutter, thought processes still drunken from sleep, and the foreign energy he'd practically drugged himself on. He rolled out of the bed, falling in a heap of tangled limbs. He smiled again, relishing the energy. He could imagine those warm arms around him…his breath on his scalp…his fingernails gently stroking his throat…

He paled suddenly. 'I can't do this…it isn't right. He doesn't feel that way about me…He didn't leave did he?' he wondered suddenly. He forced himself to calm down 'No…He said he wouldn't…didn't he?' He relaxed. He trusted Tomonori. Fresh shame crept through him at what he had been pretending. Embarrassedly, he pulled himself from the floor.

'I…I can't do this…not after what I did yesterday…not after what I did to him…' He blushed for a moment as he felt again the awkward smash of their lips together, the exhilaration burning in his stomach, in his chest, through his very being, before pain made him draw back, afraid of hurting Tomonori…

'and I did…I did hurt him…and I made him need to leave…I made him need to go away…' He thought to himself guiltily. 'I hope he found somewhere good to sleep…We have school today…' Tsukasa worriedly opened the door, peeking out to see if Tomonori was around. He didn't seem to be…

He tiptoed to the bathroom to start his day as usual.

-o-O-o-

Tsukasa carefully dried off his hair. The mirror was fogged around the edges as he looked into it…His dream from last night remained vivid in his mind. He was enraptured. 'Am I really…pretty?' He wondered, staring at his own reflection as though he had never seen it before.

His large eyes peeked out from damp and towel tousled blond hair, innocent, curious and filled with the strange inhuman blends of color that had enraptured Tomonori--unbeknownst to Tsukasa himself…His nose was tiny and flawless. His lips were small, and naturally reddish. Curiously he stuck out his tongue and examined it. He pulled it back, smiling in grim satisfaction. His tongue still needed brushing like the rest of his mouth. He poked one of his cheeks. If they were any indicator of his age, one would think that he could be a freshman or something… 'It's no wonder Tomonori-san always thinks I'm a child…I _look_ like one.'

Nervously he tried to comb out his hair with his fingers, trying to process what he was discovering. 'If I'm okay looking, then why wouldn't Tomonori-san like me? …I must have done something wrong… something that he didn't like…' The thought made his heart sink. He critically eyed his body. He grimaced. He practically had an hourglass figure that most girls would die to have themselves…he had almost feminine hips. 'That can't be right…' He stared at himself. That slender body with blue veins spiderwebbing under his pale skin all across his chest. 'Is that normal?' he wondered. He really had no idea…

By eraser standards he was rather skinny. Too skinny even. More weight equaled strength, because you would have to lift it off the ground… 'Not that I can lift _anything_ off the ground with how I am now' he thought to himself bitterly. 'No matter how skinny I am. Because I'm weak…I'm too weak and crippled and deformed for an eraser…all I can really ever hope to be is a human, and I'm not even good at that!'

He braced himself then turned to survey his back. He shuddered as the scabbed shoulders came into view. They hadn't become infected. He had Tomonori to thank for that.

It was rather a shame that he wasn't from another faction…centuries of warring had made the human factions fast healers, but healing fast for a race that could usually depend on each other to heal instantaneously, was rather redundant in the genetics of adaptation…

No eraser was meant to be alone, if he was alone and injured, he was far more vulnerable than even a human could be. Humans could heal. For Tsukasa, however, the wounds could take weeks, even months to fade…and his body was vulnerable to infection, and disease.

Both of the reopened scars were still tender, and raw looking. Tsukasa's stomach lurched just looking at them. 'These are ugly…no matter what form I have…And Tomonori saw them…no wonder he doesn't love me! Nobody would love me when I look like this…if they had to _touch_ that…'

He felt so grateful for Tomonori's bandaging of him, but…he wished Tomonori had never seen him like this far more…He didn't want to be ugly to him, he wanted to be…enough…The thought that Tomonori might have seen something so repulsive made Tsukasa want to hide with shame. He'd almost rather have his shoulders infected and painful, than think that Tomonori might be disgusted by him.

Saddened, Tsukasa fumbled with his school uniform, pulling it over his body, hiding his pitted scars. But he knew they were there, under his clothes. He knew that Tomonori knew they were there…

Perhaps angels had no souls…or perhaps they were nothing but the soul personified, and that was why their bodies could so reflect their emotions…

Perhaps angels were nothing _but_ soul…and all the more fragile because of it…

Tsukasa opened the bathroom door, feeling cooler, less humid air come through the door. 'Tomonori-san's probably already downstairs…I shouldn't keep him waiting' But still…he had to pass by his room to see if Tomonori might have slept there… His eyes widened. "oh!" he said in realization. His bed wasn't made…

'is that all? Tomonori-san gave up his bed for _that_?' He tried to convince himself that there wasn't a grain of disappointment in his relief… Still, he smiled to himself. 'He's so kind to me…even after what I did yesterday…he doesn't stop caring for me.' His heart warmed, a faint dusting of pink lingered on his cheeks with his smile. It faded in a moment as another thought occurred to him. 'But if he didn't use my room, where did _he_ sleep last night?' Tsukasa frowned. 'maybe he used the couch?' he suggested to himself, descending the stairs, his feet bare against the smoothed wooden stairs.

He shivered as they touched the cold floor. 'I should have grabbed some socks…' he thought to himself. But he was already downstairs, and he wanted to make sure that Tomonori was ready for school…

He glanced into the living room. It was rather bare and inexpensive. There was a single armchair, and a single short couch that Tomonori with his height of over six feet would have to crouch to lie down on. The fireplace was cold ashes, unused. He was surprised. There wasn't any recent energy in here at all…No taste of his aura beyond that which was common to all the rooms in his house.

He walked to the couch, placing his fingertips to the fabric.

It was still cold, undisturbed, unslept on…

Perplexed, Tsukasa exited the room, his still damp hair cold against his cheeks. He found his shoes by the door and quickly slipped them on without socks just to protect his feet from the chill of the floor. Again, he was worried. He wasn't supposed to be feeling this cold…Shaking off the unease, he stepped into the kitchen…

He gasped "Tomonori-san!"

The priest's eyes flickered to him, he blinked once, surprised apparently. "What are you doing up so late Tsukasa?" He asked, blinking, he looked mildly surprised amidst what looked like exhaustion. His coffee mug lay half full beside his elbow. His bible before him and scraps of paper littered with fragments of verses were strewn across the table. Other books lay on the stool next to him, but Tsukasa didn't spare them a second glance.

He rushed over, alarmed. "Oh Tomonori-san…You've been up all night! It's time for school!" Tomonori stared at him. Deep purple circles had blossomed under his eyes with the lack of sleep. They widened slightly in surprise, distracted. He seemed to accept this though. He sighed. "Oh…oh yes…I should be making your breakfast…" Tomonori mumbled.

Tsukasa shook his head furiously. "No! No! No! You can't go to school like this! You'll have to get some rest, oh Tomonori-san, what were you _doing_?" He asked, eyes wide almost horrified. Tomonori stared down at the mess in his normally immaculate kitchen. He blinked as thought just realizing how strange this was. "I was…thinking…" He said quietly, surprisedly, still staring at the mess.

'Organized thinking.' Tsukasa thought to himself with unexpected sarcasm and bitterness. He couldn't believe Tomonori could do something like this to himself. Guilt suddenly burned in his chest. 'did I do this to him?' he wondered.

Tsukasa quickly pushed Tomonori's arms back down as he tried to begin to clean. He seemed too exhausted to even try to protest or fight against him. His body seemed strangely listless. His eyes had a vaguely disfocused air to them, those dark unhealthy circles making his eyes look haunted. "No, you shouldn't do anything else. Oh, Tomonori-san, did you get _any_ sleep last night!" Tomonori's body suddenly gave a convulsion like a shiver. Tsukasa blinked 'what was that?' Tomonori put a hand to adjust his glasses, frowning, "A little…" He murmured, looking a bit strained.

Tsukasa stared. Tomonori removed his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose. He seemed to be debating something, his eyebrows twisted into a deeper frown. "Tomonori-san, you can't go to school like this, you're barely awake." Tsukasa said quietly, trying to find something to do with his hands…touch his cheek? Touch his head? Touch his hand? He finally put his hands to the man's shoulders.

He was concerned. Deeply concerned at why Tomonori might be acting so strangely… "No, I have a test today. I have to be there." Tomonori said rather calmly, smiling in a grim manner. He put a gloved hand over one of Tsukasa's. The boy suddenly flushed, but just as quickly the touch was gone, though his heart still pounded. He pulled away his hands. 'it's wrong for me to feel like that…Tomonori-san didn't mean it like that, and he would be hurt if he knew how much…' he didn't finish the though, feeling crimson embarrassment wash over his cheeks. "But Tomonori-san-"

"I'm going, Tsukasa." He said a little more firmly, lowering his hand from his head, and opening his eyes to glare—no, he wouldn't glare at Tsukasa…it was softer: defiant but not mean or angry just a narrowing of his eyes in stubbornness… he gave that look to him. Tsukasa felt his resolve at keeping him home, weakening. "But…you're so tired…" He whispered in protest.

"I'll be fine Tsukasa." He said firmly.

Tsukasa swallowed. Tomonori had that _look_ again…That look that said 'let it go…please don't argue with me…' It was never so forceful as to say 'DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!' Like a real parent might demand…it was like a friend's plea to not disrupt their friendship with something as mundane as an argument. His face said beneath the heavy mask that he didn't want to fight over this. He was so weary that he almost _couldn't_ fight, even with only words.

Sometimes Tsukasa wished he wasn't so stubborn about these things. He could never win an argument if something 'for his own good' was being debated. Tomonori always insisted on putting Tsukasa before him, no matter how much Tsukasa tried to protest that Tomonori shouldn't or should do something, if Tomonori felt it should be done differently (and he was usually right) it would be done his way…

Not to mention it was hard for him to try to argue against his crush, not when he could hope that he might see a satisfied smile if Tomonori won… the possibility of pleasing the man was teasing him terribly to bias in favor of him… He blushed at the thought of that smile, of the faint gratitude… His chest ached with wishful longing.

'I'm so sorry…I can't help loving you.' Tsukasa thought in apology, shame creeping into him as he wished for that emotion on the other's face.

"But Tomonori-san…" he protested, his fingers brushing Tomonori's shoulder before he drew back, trying to control himself.

Tomonori sighed. 'oh no! I'm annoying him!' Tsukasa thought to himself unhappily, distress filling him. It must have shown on his face, because Tomonori's look softened. "Tsukasa, I don't call in sick days just because I stayed up all night doing something…something rather stupid now that I think about it…" He shook his head looking wryly amused. "I'll deal with the consequences, don't worry about me."

"But…But, Tomonori-san…"

Tomonori shook his head, cutting him off. "I _have_ to go. My fifth period class has test reviews going on, and my sixth and seventh have the test itself. I _have_ to be there today, Tsukasa." Tsukasa sighed. He had to keep him home…had to take care of him…had to let those tired eyes close in relaxed sleep…but…

He couldn't beat Tomonori…

"But what if you fall asleep?" He protested. Tomonori groaned, pulling his hand back to the bridge of his nose. His brow creased again, thinking. Almost immediately the solution was spoken of. "The teachers lounge always has coffee, I can make it through the day." Tsukasa shook his head "But Tomonori-san—!" 'I don't just want you to make it through the day! I want you to feel better!'

Tomonori's lips curved into a slightly wider smile, His shoulders lowered, untensing. His expression was fond. "Tsukasa, do you _really_ think you're going to get me to stay home?" He asked, sounding almost amused by Tsukasa's efforts. Tsukasa bit his lips, a blush staining his cheeks with that smile. 'Oh God…do you know what I feel for you Tomonori-san…do you know how hard I have to try not to hurt you again?' He closed his eyes. "No…not really." He admitted. He opened them again. He felt so foolish now…so childish…

Tomonori cocked an eyebrow as if to say 'see? "But really…you shouldn't push yourself so hard Tomonori-san…You're only human…is that the saying?" Tomonori went rigid, his face was almost expressionless, so carefully controlled that it gave it away... Tsukasa felt horror stir in his gut. 'Why did I say that? What's wrong? I didn't mean that it was _bad_ to be human…oh no!' He felt a lump in his throat "I-I mean! Uh…You have limitations and…oh NO! That's not what I meant Tomonori-san!" He made a faint moan, clutching his head 'why can't I say something that doesn't sound _worse?_ What's wrong with me?'

Tomonori blinked, faint surprise registered on his face, but it was quickly concealed. "No…it's alright." He said quietly. "You mustn't worry about it Tsukasa…" Tsukasa bit his lip "A-Are you sure? I really didn't mean to—" Tomonori's eyes softened again, he smiled his melancholy smile with a faint nod. "Yes. It's fine…don't worry about it."

Tsukasa's shoulders relaxed, a look of relief crossed his face. "Oh…Thank you…because I really didn't…um…you know…" He finished gesturing flusteredly. Tomonori nodded, a faint smile still echoing over his mouth "I know." He said reassuringly. Tsukasa sighed in relief again 'Thank you so much for understanding, Tomonori-san…thank you so much…for understanding me…for knowing that I didn't mean to say something bad to you…' He thought to himself. He wished he could say this, but he knew he didn't mean it in a way that wouldn't make Tomonori upset…He knew that his own feelings would turn that 'thank you' into something more…

He swallowed, asking instead, "Tomonori-san…what was so important that you didn't go to sleep…?" Tomonori stared intently at the tabletop. Tsukasa bit his lip again 'Was that too personal? I shouldn't be asking him to tell me things like that after he's been so kind in not asking me about my past, or my old life with my kind…I shouldn't be asking him something like that…'

"I…had a very strange…nightmare…That's all" Tomonori said in a strangely quiet voice, even for him. His eyes were looking off at the mug of coffee. Despite his calmness, it was telltale…_too_ calm to be calm…he was agitated…something was wrong…the stiffness of the 'relaxed' posture of his shoulders, the utter smoothness of his face, almost expressionless…there was something troubling him. Tsukasa KNEW Tomonori, he KNEW his body language…he'd spent so long trying to learn how to read it in the past few months…

Tsukasa blinked. Even though he felt a pang of sympathy and concern for Tomonori with his nightmare, he didn't see what this had to do with all the books and scraps of paper all over the table…but he didn't want to pry.

…Tomonori had been so kind, never questioning him about his past or about his memories. If Tomonori didn't want to tell him about his nightmares, then it would be only fair that he didn't press him…and he didn't want him to be upset! It hurt _him_ to see Tomonori upset, he so desperately wanted to make him smile, make him laugh, make him happy. Tomonori was everything to him. He was all that he had…

That pain made him want to move forward, touch the man's shoulders, comfort him with his touch…like Tomonori always did for him…But since his actions yesterday, his touch would probably hurt more than help…It felt like the twist of a knife--that his touch would only wound rather than heal…that he could cause such strife between them…

What nightmares? Was this _also_ his fault? Had Tomonori had nightmares before or had this all started because he…

Tsukasa swallowed.

Was this all because he'd kissed him? Because he'd burst out that he loved him? For once he hoped that mask would stay. He didn't want it to fall away and leave him to see that this was all his fault, that he had caused this pain… 'I've caused enough pain to people…and you…you're the last person I would ever want to hurt, Tomonori-san!'

He realized that he'd placed a hand on the man's shoulder. Tsukasa let his hand drop from Tomonori's shoulder, suddenly self conscious. He could feel a deep blush breaking over his face, he hoped Tomonori wouldn't notice… He glanced way awkwardly. 'If only you loved me…If only it wasn't wrong for you to feel the same way I do…'

"I-I should make you something to eat." He said to Tomonori. He didn't want to cause his exhausted friend to do any extra work since he would have such a long, tiring day ahead of him.

Tomonori shook his head. "Don't, I'm not hungry…but thank you." He said quietly, not looking at him, turning back to his scattered work over the table, his brow creased in thought, frowning as he stared at it.

Tsukasa frowned slightly as though to mirror him, feeling terribly worried just watching him. He bit his lip again, refraining from touch despite what his heart was telling him. He needed to listen to his head more often. His heart had ended up hurting the man yesterday… Was Tomonori going to make it through the day?

He once again wondered with some anxiety and anticipation whether Tomonori's nightmare had had anything to do with how he had behaved towards him yesterday…He _knew_ he wasn't supposed to feel this way—it couldn't be right because Tomonori was uncomfortable about it. Tsukasa didn't want him to be upset…If he was responsible for a nightmare that would turn Tomonori into this exhausted and restless individual before him…

He couldn't even complete the thought because of the rush of guilt within him.

'Could this really be all my fault, just because I let myself not care about what he might be feeling? Because I only cared about what I wanted…so much that I blinded myself and let myself think that I might not be imagining those smiles meant something more, that the touch of his hand was special…that everything was different.' He swallowed past the lump in his throat 'I will NOT cry!' he told himself. 'Did I do this to him? Just because I thought that he might possibly…' he paused possibly what? Kiss him? Care for him? Love him?

No…all he had wanted was just to tell him. He hadn't really thought much about it. He hadn't really thought at ALL about what would happen afterwards—nothing about the consequences.

…In true teenage fashion he had let himself forget anything beyond the moment, the thrill the pounding of his heart as he felt the shape he's wrapped his arms around. Felt the shivers in his spine as he'd breathed in the scent of his hair, of his skin, of his sweat…He'd so mystified himself and made himself so very drunk and dependant on the touch he'd dreamed of, that he allowed himself to forget about anything else…

But what _had_ he expected? After all the touch and sensual things were over, and partaken of, after he'd fulfilled that dramatic moment that everyone seemed to believe was the one right way of showing how he felt…what had he expected to happen? For Tomonori to sweep him off into his arms, and for them to live happily ever after like some fairytale? Had he expected all things to become bright and beautiful and romantic as his idle dreams? For it all to miraculously transform into one of his fantasies, where Tomonori would hold him close and never let him go? 'I _should_ have known better…there is no happy ending for a soldier in a war…there is no happy ending for a murderer…there is no way for me to have what I want without destroying…destroying that beautiful perfect man. I can't hurt him like that…'

The face he loved, the form he loved, the soul he loved had all been driven down to weariness. But still his eyes skimmed along a few more lines in his bible, still his hands scribbled out in the margins…looking for something. Tsukasa couldn't believe that he was seeing franticness beneath all the calm. Tomonori was looking for something…but for what?

'No…it's none of my business…'

Tomonori wouldn't meet his eyes, and he seemed distracted… "Tomonori-san…" He turned his head to him, looking at him. Tsukasa swallowed, trying to think of what he wanted to say. Those dark eyes made him so nervous now. Now that they'd seen him, seen his ugly, bleeding scars, seen him weeping in total selfishness, crying over bloodstained wings never to fly again, to rot on the ground with humans. Those eyes had never ceased to care…even now. The liquid eyes, haunted by shadows of purple exhaustion… He tried to catch on to something to say…

"Are…Are you sure you're going to be alright?" He said quietly. Nervously pulling his hands to his temples. Tomonori actually looked him in the eye this time, he'd been avoiding doing that lately…but now, he had that attention, and he didn't know what to say…

Tsukasa tried to somehow mentally communicate, to tell him not to do this, that he was tired, that he should stay home and get some rest. Tomonori's eyes flicked once more to the mess on the table. Tsukasa lowered his own eyes. 'No…he'll go anyway…' He reminded himself. His fingers rested on a scrap of paper on the table. His eyes lingered on the writing. A single word. And in that instant his blood ran cold.

'_Azrael_'

"Yes Tsukasa. I'll be alright." Tomonori said, sighing again. Tsukasa tried to smile, trying as hard as he could not to let the panic show on his face. "Oh…o-okay" He swallowed. "E-Excuse me…" He fled the room suddenly. The instant the was alone, horror etched into every feature, his hand over his mouth. 'Oh God…please God, please don't let him know! Please, let me be wrong!' Tears prickled in his eyes. He shivered violently, curling into a ball in the hallway, cold shock reverberating through every fiber in his body.

'Let me play his innocent angel…please don't make me a killer again…anything but a killer to Tomonori-san!' He bit his lip hard, pressing his hands to the bandaged wounds on his back until pain throbbed down his spine, He didn't care. 'I don't want to be worthless to him!' he cried out in his mind.

(((end of part 7)))

Cliiiiiiiffhanger! Bwahahaa.

Hooray for LiveJournal JO groups (right Kasumi Sora? (wink))

Trust me, the next chapter should reveal a bit more about the night. It's Nakaura-san's POV again. Answers will come.

Brought to you by the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time. And the happy home, where there's trees and flowers, and chirping birds…and basketweavers who sit and smile and weave a great cage of angst and THEY'RE COMING TO CAGE BISHOUNAN AHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Lafayel: You have GOT to be kidding me…

NF: Shut your pie hole.

Lafayel: (has that vacant scowl that says he has no clue what a 'pie hole' is…)

This weeks reviewers frenzy: (cut to the middle of something)

Tsukasa: (wailing) He…He…left me…

NF: Eh? Oh, Nakaura…um… cheer up, it can't be that- (Tsukasa throws himself into her shoulder and begins weeping incessantly) er… (NF is unsure what to do…and is pretty sure that someone will kill her if she shoves him away…)

Gabriel: Come now Israfel. You mustn't cry.

Tsukasa: (sniffles) But…he's GONE…T-Tomonori-san… (breaks down again)

Lafayel: (Takes one look at Tsukasa and rolls his eyes)…I doubt I even need to say anything about how pathetic this is…

Gabriel: (suddenly snippy) Oh, shut up.

Lafayel: I will n—(blink) what?

Gabriel: (comforting Tsukasa while NF shudders and brushes off her clothing nervously) (glares)

Lafayel: (blink) Did you just tell me to…shut up?

Gabriel: (clipped tone) Yes. Follow it.

NF: (stares) (looks at Lafayel for a second, then stares at Gabriel some more) (tilts head sideways)

Lafayel: (suddenly cackles)

NF: Okay. I just have to say that this is rather stupid.

Gabriel: You can shut up too.

NF: (blinks with a very strange expression) Yes…I can…but….Ummm….Gabriel?…how can I put this?(awkward silence)…er…Gabriel…you've officially been around Lafayel too much.

Lafayel: (still cackling uproariously)

Gabriel: (angrily) No! I have not! My friend is UPSET and you expect me to just sit by _calmly_ and allow you two to mock him? I think not!

Lafayel and NF: (look at each other)

NF: I'm not mocking, Lafayel's mocking! (points at him)

Lafayel: How dare you blame this all on me! (looks like he's about to rip her hair out)

Tsukasa: (sniffling and blowing snot all over Gabriel's nice coat)

Gabriel: (hugging him and soothing him)You mock Israfel's feelings, you're hurting him!

NF: No! Really, I'm not mocking. I just think this is all rather stupid!

Lafayel: You _wrote_ it you incompetent stool dribbler!

NF: er…(mentally pictures Shiba bouncing a three legged stool) (shakes head to clear it of odd images) Hey, I don't always like what I write, okay, you stupid featherduster!

Lafayel: And you STILL haven't written anything about me!--FEATHERDUSTER! (Growls and shows fangs)

NF:…Yeah I have, it just got deleted, and the new version's not done yet. (crosses arms annoyedly) and what's with all the feather-shedding if you're not a featherduster?

Lafayel: (stops)…really?…You're writing something about me?

NF: (suspiciously) Um…yeah? So?

Lafayel: Oh…(falls back into character) No matter, you are STILL an incompetent stool dribbler! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A FEATHERDUSTER! I AM AN ERASER DAMMIT!

NF: (again with the weird mental picture) Um…sure…I'm a stool dribbler. (eyes narrow) (holds up pink pearl eraser) THIS is an eraser. (chucks it at him and hits him square between the eyes with it) Last time I checked, you weren't made of rubber and stuck on the wrong end of a pencil!

Lafayel: (waits for a more enraged response and seems disappointed when he doesn't get one) (Mutters to himself about incompetent, inferior humans and their stupid inventions) I'm NOT a featherduster (growls to himself)

Tsukasa: (still crying) Tomonori-san! (wails louder)

Gabriel: (glares at Neurofeces) I cannot believe that you would put him through something like this!

NF: (frowns) Hey, why are you getting mad at ME? It has to happen sooner or later!

Gabriel: (angrily) It most certainly does not! You split up such a happy couple without so much as a second thought!

NF: Well hey! Someone has to do it!

Gabriel: You heartless creature!

NF: It's not my fault!

Gabriel: How could you do something like this to someone so kind? What has he ever done to you?

Lafayel: (cuts in) _I_ wanted to do it but she wouldn't let me! (Glares at Neurofeces)

Gabriel: (eyes narrow and glares death at Lafayel) Then I'll deal with you later…

Lafayel: You threaten me?

Gabriel: yes! I threaten you!

Lafayel: (blink) (grins) I'm being threatened by a fluff headed moron who thinks Israfel is worth protecting from his stupid feelings…how cute… (makes a disgusted face)

NF: Hey, don't make fun of my fluffy head. (pats hair and glowers) And I'm not threatening you at all! I'm just…insulting you.

Lafayel: I was talking about Gabriel, you imbecile.

NF: Oh…he is a touch fluffy isn't he? (grins)

Lafayel: (tightlipped smirk)

Gabriel: (hand glows threateningly and a vein pulses in his forehead)

NF: (rolls eyes) But anyway, Gabriel…Your point would be: aside from accidentally rolling around in my garden while making out with his boyfriend, he's done nothing to me, am I right?

Gabriel: It is LOVE. (articulating very slowly and clearly like she's stupid or something)

NF: Which would explain a lot about me not knowing about it, but doesn't serve to justify my poor squashed plants! (holds up a limp strawberry plant) Where's the love for my garden!

Gabriel: (grinds his teeth disconcertingly—obviously losing his patience with Neurofeces)You-!

Tsukasa: (perks up) TOMONORI-SAN!

Gabriel: (blinks and turns around as Tsukasa hurls himself away)

Tsukasa: (runs to the door at incredible speed and thoroughly glomps Tomonori, nearly knocking him over)

Tomonori: (alarmed) GAH! (twists around to look at who's attacking him) Oh…(smiles and hugs Tsukasa back) I missed you too Tsukasa.

Tsukasa: (crying again, but happily this time)Oh Tomonori-san…I thought you would never come back!

Tomonori: You aren't the only one…those lines were terrible!

Gabriel: …Lines?

Tomonori: (to Neurofeces) I got the milk like you told me. (Looks like he thinks this is absolutely idiotic)

NF: (grin) Thank you. (takes the gallons)

Tomonori: I still don't see why you sent _me_…

NF: Well, Lafayel nearly blew the place up last time. And Amou nearly got abducted by crazed fangirls, and nearly ended up with about three dates he didn't want…I don't need to go on do I? I mean, I grabbed one of those handicapped carts and ran into an oreos display and got myself banned from publix…

Tomonori: (sweatdrop)…good point…

Gabriel: (suddenly feels rather foolish) (weakly) He…was out...to get _milk_?

NF: (smirk) yep. Someone's got to do it…I'd only REALLY split them up that way if it was absolutely necessary to their end happiness. (grins) I'm a big softie at heart you see…

Lafayel: Chocolate! I demand chocolate! If _I_ had done it you would have CHOCOLATE MILK! FOOLISH HUMAN!

Tomonori: (vein pulses in his forehead)

NF: (smacks the back of his head) Watch your mouth before I revoke your baking privileges, Lafayel. If you REALLY want chocolate, then get the syrup. Hey Nakaura-san, Amou-kun, do you want some—

Tomonori and Tsukasa: (death-grip hugging to make up for lost time earlier in the parody)

Tsukasa: I missed you Tomonori-san.

Tomonori: I missed you too…(thinking to himself: I wasn't gone very long, was I?)

NF: (sweatdrop) er…I take that as a no…

Lafayel: (extends a glass filled halfway with chocolate syrup) give me my milk brief human, or suffer my wrath!

NF: (pours) Yeah fine. Just don't spill or I'll make you mop the floor, stupid featherduster…

Lafayel: (ignores her, too busy cackling maniacally like a good villain as he uses the hand blender to mix his chocolate milk, for no reason other than sheer violence to inanimate drinks)

Gabriel: (gaping)

NF: (notices) Come on Gabriel, I'm not heartless, just thirsty and calcium deprived!

Gabriel: (seems to be suffering a meltdown) Miiiiiilk… (eye twitches)

Kuro: (pops in and pats Gabriel on the head) I'll just take care of him if you don't mind…I don't think he's going to be able to see milk for quite some time now…

NF: Okay, sorry about that. I take it his fanboy sensibilities have been attacked…

Kuro: (sigh) Yes…poor poor Gabriel…He can't resist shounan-ai…(smiles) It's so _cute_ how he tries to act all dignified about it… (Pats his hand reassuringly while giving him a fond sort of look)

NF: (blink) er…I'll take your word for it. (sweatdrop) (Mutters to self about Juvenile Orion being a shounan-ai farm) (louder) You want a glass of milk?

Kuro: sure…is there strawberry?  
NF: (smirks) Like you wouldn't believe…hold on…let me get you a plant…

Kuro: ah…? (raises an eyebrow)

Gabriel: (huddled into a fetal position.) miiiilk…

Kuro: (quiets him)

Lafayel: (slurping something almost black with chocolate)

Shiba: (steals a whole jug for himself and then runs back to practice)

NF: SHIBA! LET GO OF MY MILK! HAMPSTERS ATTACK!

Shiba: (blink) What the Hell? (runs all the harder to protect the milk from the killer hamsters)

NF: (glares at Shiba as he runs off into the sunset with hampsters following him screaming about brains) Here you are. (plops down a strawberry plant in front of Kuro)

Kuro: (grins and sweatdrops) Well…this has never happened before…um…thank you for the plant, and the milk… (eyes the plant curiously)

NF: (grins) No problem. Take care of Gabriel for me, the fangirls wouldn't let me live if anything happened to him.

(swirling plothole of terror opens up in the sink and fangirls pop out)

Flamer Fangirls: J00 MADE FUN OF GABRIEL! OMG! I K3LL J00!

NF: OY! (mutters to self while dodging attacks) Every chapter! Every chapter someone—

Fangirl#0.76: (Kills Neurofeces with a Stiletto blade/heel)

NF: (dead) Bugger.

Kuro: (grin, sweatdrop) Come on Gabriel. (soothingly) Lets go home and see if I can get White Rabbit to make you a smoothie or something…

Gabriel: Miiiilk (hisses)

(TBC)

….as you can see…we had an interesting week. Poor Gabriel hasn't so much as looked in the refrigerator since, and Lafayel…well…lets just say you don't mix him and sugar rushes…And of course, I've got a few lovely bishounan assistants working on my review replies with me this time…

(Cuts to a scene soon after they've begun)

_Tomonori: (hollers from another room) Why is this person named 'Shi Ting'?_

_NF: (shouts to him) NO IDEA! (whispers to Kuro who's filing papers)…wait for it… _

_(click of computer keys as Tomonori scrolls down in the other room)_

_(dead silence)_

_Tomonori: …(weakly) …er…Who's white rabbit?_

_Kuro: (slips a picture of the little darklore under the door)_

_Tomonori: (screams and the sounds of convulsions of horror coming from his room)_

_NF: (tries to stifle laughter)_

_Kuro: (shakes head amusedly) You're so evil._

_NF: I know…isn't it great? (falls off her chair cackling)_

_Kuro: (blink) (sweatdrop) No comment. (goes back to filing documents and background information on Angels, Demons and various other things into their proper folders)_

_Gabriel: master! There's a girl attached to my leg again!_

_Kuro: (walks towards the other room where Gabriel is clearly struggling against he fangirl) Hang on, I'm coming (grabs the noodle by the door) Oy! You stay away from my eraser—hey…um…can you get off my leg? Please! Gabriel, gimmie a hand here!_

_NF: (smirks and puts her feet up on the desk) Ah, the relaxing workplace… (turns up some hard rock music to drown out the convulsions and squabbling in the other rooms)_

_Lafayel: Turn that crap down!_

_NF: (grins and lowers it slightly) pushy…_

(end scene)

Yeah…um…I'll admit…I kind of had a little bit of fun at their expenses a few times…

(Cut scene)

_NF: Hey Lafayel! Go check the closet for ants will you?_

_Lafayel: Why must **I** go check for ants? Why am I always the one who has to do inane tasks and menial labor!_

_NF: Because you're the expendable one._

_Lafayel: (grumbling as he goes off to go check the closet)_

_(door opens)_

_(gasps of shock from the closet)_

_Lafayel: GET OUT OF THE DAMN CLOSET!_

_Mizunagi: (sticks his head down the hall) Outdoor voice, Lafayel!_

_Lafayel: (yells to Mizunagi)SHUT UP! …FOR THE LAST TIME ISRAFEL, STOP USING THE BLOODY CLOSET AND GET TO WORK!_

_Tsukasa: (walks in looking embarrassed and rumpled)_

_NF: (snickers at her desk)_

_(few moments pass as Lafayel comes back into the room muttering to himself)_

_Lafayel: Those fools…can't even do a decent few minutes of work without getting distracted…_

_Tomonori: (walks into the room and coughs in a dignified way, while holding a cup of coffee like that's all he's been doing)_

Kuro: I take it you refilled the coffeepot **again**? 

_Tomonori: (ignores him, trying to pretend he isn't blushing, or rather rumpled looking himself)_

_Mizunagi: (as soon as Tomonori's shut the door to the other room where he's working) What's this now, the third time?_

_Kuro: Fourth. Not counting the three bathroom breaks._

_Mizunagi: …and he's a priest you said?_

_NF: (smirks)_

_Mizunagi: I'd have fired him by now…_

_NF: (stretches out her arms)Awww, no way! It keeps things interesting…and besides, he's one of my angst slaves, I'm not paying him to begin with. He's here because I threatened to write LafayelXIsrafel._

_(sudden silence) _

_Mizunagi: (raises eyebrows and looks at Lafayel pointedly)_

_Lafayel: don't look at me like that, you meaningless, blithering idiot! _

_NF: A cat may look at a king!_

_Mizunagi:…_

_Lafayel: (puffed up with pride) I'm a king! BOW MORTALS! (maniacal laughter)_

_Kuro: (sympathetically to Mizunagi) Should I get the noodle?_

_Mizunagi: That'd be nice._

_Kuro: (scoots towards the door and picks up the noodle)_

(end scene)

but really, after what happened with chapter five where I had like fifteen reviews to reply to or something terrible like that, I wanted to get a bit of hired help, and who else to get but the bishies! I even got Mizunagi and a few other new faces around just because of it. Because as we all know, ranting and raving the amount I do takes a LOT of work. (grin)

Yeah…a few problems where you go to put something away in a closet and you find it…occupied…but hey, not bad labor otherwise. And another plus, Kuro and Mizunagi know all the lyrics for 'they're coming to take me away' By Napoleon the XIV, so we can randomly add 'where life is beautiful all the time' to anything we don't like (and look like complete nuts in the process)…actually Kuro choruses with me while Mizunagi just sort of rolls his eyes…but anyway, it's sort of fun. Lafayel basically stands around being our 'muse' or whatever, and making snippy comments (actually I think he's trying to pick up a date or something, but don't tell him I said—oh, Hi Lafayel!).

Yeah sure, Tomonori tries to work hard but usually, he's so horrified by the content of the reviews (especially the pervy pairings) that he has to run off to a confessional about four times a day, And Tsukasa is trying to work hard too, but he's too busy being distracted by Tomonori trying to do his work. (That's what you get for falling in love with a teacher, you've got to think red pens and stacks of homework are sexy or something… (rolls eyes)) White Rabbit even popped in once to bring Kuro his lunch (surprisingly enough, it contained mostly carrot sticks…hmm…imagine that.) Poor Tomonori about had a meltdown…

(cut to scene)

_Tomonori: (takes one look at white rabbit and begins to convulse in horror)_

_Tsukasa: Tomonori-san? Are you alright?_

_NF: (wicked smirk) I think he needs some morale boosting, Amou._

_Tsukasa: (takes him by the hand) Come on Tomonori-san, maybe you're dehydrated?_

_Tomonori: (twitching)_

_Mizunagi: (whispers to Kuro) How does he figure that's dehydration?_

_Kuro: (grin) No clue. (looks through the lunch) Oh, look, carrot sticks…um…thanks White Rabbit…_

_Lafayel: (stares) what the bloody Hell is THAT!_

_White Rabbit: Hello, I'm White Rabbit! This is my master! (points at Kuro)_

_Kuro: (Glomps White Rabbit) so soooooft…. (dopey looking grin)_

_White Rabbit: Master! (hugs Kuro and is generally very fluffy)_

_Lafayel: (narrows one eye) …That THING has a name?_

_Mizunagi: (lights up a cigarette and smirks) Hey, Lafayel…go check the coffeepot for ants._

_Lafayel: (growls at Mizunagi)WHY am I checking everything for ants? _

_NF: Because I work for an exterminator. There are a lot of ants around here, wouldn't you know it…(fights down a grin)_

_Lafayel: (grumbles loudly as he leaves the room) (pauses) ISRAFEL GET OUT OF THE DAMN CLOSET BEFORE I REALLY DO KILL YOU!_

_Tsukasa: (can be heard scrambling out of the closet and apologizing profusely)_

_NF: (cracks up)_

_Mizunagi: (rolls his eyes) Really, how many times do you want to go and snog someone in a day?_

_NF: I'm **really** the wrong person to ask this…_

_Kuro: Sooooft… (glomps White Rabbit some more)_

_White Rabbit: (smiles cutely)_

_Gabriel: (sweatdrop) Um…Master?_

(end scene)

But yeah.

And when I have to go to work at my job (--calling up people for my neighbor's exterminating business) and talk to people about ants, roaches, and 'giant red alien brain fungus things'--you think I'm joking? Read my LJ! I got to talk about fungus that attracts flies and looks like 'a freakin' invasion of these weird red alien brain things', boy what a great job, eh?--they take care of half my work when they aren't off snogging one another or checking for ants. (aren't they sweet? And I hardly had to threaten to write things where their chosen boyfriends were off with other people, or threaten to stick Lafayel in a tutu! It's practically voluntary!)

But anyway, they seemed to have helped me on my reviews…so don't be surprised if it has something…interesting…

**Foolish Mortal-** I was hoping you would review so I could attack you. (gives excited fangirl squeal) Just let me say I LOVE your fic. 'The Angel' is so far my favorite JO fic. Good job! And I don't care what you say about not knowing what prayer is like, you could've fooled me! I go to a Christian school, and my dad's got a seminary degree, you did a bang on job. (why am I saying this here rather than reviewing it? Hello, NF, get back on topic!)

Forgive me for not answering your review to chapter five on time. It's not that I think you're somehow inferior to every other person who reviewed, it's just that I checked the reviews at a certain date, and it happened to fall before your review was placed. Although I am QUITE happy you did review because it gives me the chance to go crazy-fangirl over you. (er…sorry (resists foreign fangirl tendencies)) But really. I'm sorry about that huge delay…and any that may happen into the future. I am SO grateful that someone so talented as you reads my fic (flushes and smiles) I hope you enjoy, and continue to read…but not yet if it delays you from writing the awesomeness that is YOUR fic. Hee. I think the bishies have something to say to you…

(all assembled in a line glaring)

NF: (blink) Okay… What's this all about?

Lafayel: We seem to be defecting. (looks bored)

NF: (rubs eyes) EH?

Tomonori: (crosses arms and glares) I am tired of having my feelings stretched to the point of breaking.

Tsukasa: (tearfully) And I'm tired of not being able to show how much I love Tomonori-san!

NF: (sweatdrops and sweeps the hair out of her eyes) Let me get this straight. I've been pushing you too hard in your opinion…so you're doing _what_ now?

Tomonori: We're defecting to Foolish Mortal's story.

NF: WHAAAAT!

Tsukasa: (hides behind Tomonori) We…we…might have a chance of getting together…Tomonori-san and I, over there. Apparently there are only three more chapters left…and…um…(embarrassed)

NF: SIT DOWN!

Tsukasa: Eeek! (sits down obediently and looks around frightenedly)

Tomonori: (crosses arms and glares, moving to protect Tsukasa) I don't want to suffer, or torment Tsukasa with my rejections any longer!

Gabriel: And I believe he has quite a valid point.

Tomonori: You are an American. We require certain democratic rights. We are every bit a much people as you are. We have been considerate to you, we expect the same.

NF: (suddenly laughs) So you're going on strike? Oh God, gimmie a break…You too Lafayel?

Lafayel: You haven't made a story about me! I could care less about the quality at this point, Another author would be sure to listen to me and treat me better than you have, witless worm!

Gabriel: We deserve better treatment.

NF: (slams a hand down on the desk) What is this? GAY RIGHTS!

Political people: (smack NF with a pamphlet) GAY PRIDE!

NF: (whirls around) Get out of here you lot of bloody wankers! (shoves them out of a plothole)

NF: (long sigh) since when is my fic a political statement! (glares at plothole)

Gabriel: (sympathetically) We are only asking for some kindness…

NF: OH SHUT UP! (glares) I don't HAVE to be kind. I'm an author. A fanfic author. Call it artistic license…Heck, I can see pairings like AmouXKirihara for crying out loud...

Tomonori: (makes a strangled noise and clutches Tsukasa a bit more possessively)

NF: (smirk) You want to go to another story, go right ahead, take a vacation. (pulls out the contract and glasses) I'll change your rights over here…I'll even give you dental!

Gabriel: (whispers to Lafayel) We get free dental?

Lafayel: I didn't know we got dental…  
NF: (continuing) And lets see…two weeks of 'run away slave' time alone to yourself each year…Yes that ought to do it. (eyes the contract critically) Yes, everything seems to be in order.

Lafayel: What about pay?

NF: Oh shut your face Lafayel, you spoiled brat, I'm not paying you, and you'd better count your lucky stars that I don't, because if I did, you'd already owe me all your paychecks just to pay for all the baking supplies you buy and subsequently ruin.

Lafayel: (glares)

Tomonori: …(looks down at Tsukasa)

Tsukasa: (smiles) Maybe we could take a vacation Tomonori-san.

NF: You GOT a vacation. Back to work you worthless pack of ingrates before I lose my temper and start to type something violent (good naturedly hits them with the noodle)

(bishies confusedly shuffle back to work)

If they ever stop by and take a vacation in YOUR fic, tell me okay? So I can blackmai-I mean…send them cookies. (grins awkwardly)

**Senko 32-** Lafayel: Yes, you seem to be right, well done foolish human. But this is not about what you like…besides that, I am sure I could change your mind about this 'eclipse' person-

NF: Lafayel, what are you DOING? Get off of there, you'll scare away the reviewer!

Lafayel: This worthless bit of scum-

NF: LAFAYEL! …it's a reviewer, even f they are a bit of scum-which they are not- they are NICE bits of scum who take time out of their busy schedule to leave a note to a an utterly unworthy geek/nerd/dork like me.

Lafayel: (snorts) Who is this moron 'eclipse' anyway. Some saintly, pretty, decorative bit of fluff like Israfel?

NF: Er…No…he's…um…a demon.

Lafayel: (eyes narrow) A DEMON? I am far more worthy of praise than any MERE demon!

Eclipse: (coughs pointedly)

Lafayel: (turns around) Who the Hell is this long haired twit?

NF: (smirk) Eclipse, demon of the third order, official eraser ass-kicker.

Eclipse: (glares and summons a fireball)

Lafayel: (stares) Why does it have to be-YEOWCH! FIRE! (falls from the sky as a burning wreak…AGAIN)

NF: (prods him with a toe) Good work Eclipse-san. I really like your style…

Eclipse: But you, mere mortal, have mocked the noble line of Raenef…

NF: Huh? I have?

Eclipse: (points to the end of part five) Um…Yes. Prepare to suffer.

NF: Oh CRAP! (runs screaming like a little girl)

(laughs nervously) Gotta love DD…

**Rin-D**- WOW! Someone had a lot of time on their hands, ne? Thanks for the reviews, all FOUR of them (wow…) Your complements are making me turn red.

Lafayel: (bandaged) Yeah, and WE did all the work.

NF: ACH STIKKIN YER TRAKKINS!

Tomonori: (blink) Was that a sneeze? Bless you.

NF: Not really. But thank you anyway. And NO you didn't do most of the work! You aren't even IN this! You're DEAD!

Lafayel: WE are your characters for this meaningless story!

NF: Yes, and without me you wouldn't have any of this excessive descriptiveness that MAKES MY story so awesome!

Tsukasa: (gets between them) Oh please don't fight, can't we all just calm down and relax?

NF: IS this a trick question?

Lafayel: I will do no such thing for the likes of you ISRAFEL.

Tsukasa: (flinch)

Tomonori: (punches Lafayel square in the head and knocks him backwards through a wall)

NF: (staring wide eyed) …oh my.

Tsukasa: Tomonori-san! Are you okay!

Tomonori: (suddenly holds his hand stiffly) Ow…he has a hard head… (wince)

Tsukasa: (Grabs the hand) Oh Tomonori-san…you didn't need to do that. Now you've hurt yourself!

Tomonori: Um…no…really…I'm…really Tsukasa, it's just…

Tsukasa: (Hugs his hand)

(big moment of silence where they just stare at eachother in one of those sappy romantic scenes…)

NF: Oh stop it you two, you're getting fluffy again.

Mizunagi: Stikkit yer trakkins, Neurofeces. (drags her away so Tomonori and Tsukasa can have some alone time)

NF: Er, THANKS RIN-D! And I still don't believe your stories are…shit…! Of course I don't know most of the fandoms either, but hey! (thumbs up as she's dragged off)

**Saiko-Hannah-Chan-** And here's my lovely first reviewer for chapter six. (smiles at her) Hello again! Sorry to make you wait, I know it must be hard for you. But really we're doing all we can over here.

Mizunagi: Oh my GOD! Lafayel, how on EARTH did you manage to get muffin mix on the CEILING?

Lafayel: WILL YOU SHUT UP! GIVE ME BACK THAT BLENDER THIS INSTANT!

(grins fixedly and grinds her teeth as she looks in the direction of the kitchen) Thanks for the offer on the hampsters, but really, I think I've tamed them as long as I keep feeding them innocent pedestrians every few hours…and they seem to really like Shiba,

Shiba: WHERE ARE MY COMRADES! MANA-SAN! OFF MY HEAD FOUL VERMIN! (bloodcurdling scream)

(snickers to herself)

Yes, I can tell you're going to be one person snickering and- (stops talking) Ramen…(whispers) RAMEN! (grabs noodles and squeals) RAAAAAAAAMEEEEEEEN!

Mizunagi&Lafayel: (heads poke out of the kitchen door as Neurofeces dances down the hallways cackling and holding the ramen high in the air)

Mizunagi: KURO! I need the noodle NOW!

Kuro: Oy vey…I'll get Nakaura-kun to hold back her arms. Gabriel? Where's my noodle?

Hee…thank you for being so supportive. You really are giving me an unnecessary ego trip…I need to keep feeding you…here, have some milk…and um…pick one of those vast numbers of syrups, won't you? (evil grin) Thank you for the ramen, it shall aid me in my plot to RULE THE WORLD…okay fine…maybe just the fandom…(shrug) Gotta start somewhere…

**Kasumi Sora**- Whaaaat? Just because you helped me out like crazy I can't dedicate a chapter to you? Besides you keep me entertained on LJ when I'd have nobody else but MOG…and you start to BLUSH? What are you, _Tsukasa_? (Your meme with the twelve people was hilarious …I think that half the stuff that's happening to poor Tomonori is far worse than any nasty pairings…I mean. How can you blush if you didn't blush at THAT? (cackle)) Since when do you blush because of something I do?

Tomonori: what? What's happening to me? (suspicious)

NF: (swallows down her laughter)Don't worry about it…oh look, she directed something at you.

Tomonori: (reads) You're perfectly right, I'm not going to get ANY work done with her around…(gives Neurofeces an unhappy look)

NF: hey! Be nice or I'll put Tsukasa in the Lafayel costume.

Tomonori: (pales) …You wouldn't…(looks VERY worried)

NF: I _would_…besides, just think of all the skin you could look at…(grins evilly)

Tomonori: (eyes widen) (look of terror crosses his face before he suddenly goes beet red) Tsukasa! (runs off to go rescue him from the evil costume..)

NF: (eye roll) tch. Bishies.

If I ever make T-shirts, I will totally send you one in the mail….big 'TXT' on the front, with that little scene of Tomonori giving Tsukasa the present on the back (from the 4 panel comic in book 2?) or something…I'll have to find something interesting…

Hmm…Considering that I have the 'annotated alice' I figured I might as well use it. Alice in Wonderland is total ownage…one question though, has anyone aside from me ever read 'through the looking glass'? It's kind of hard to find on it's own. (I have my 'annotated' copy, but I don't know anyone else who's ever even read it) I happen to like the Cheshire cat for Wonderland. (smirk) But the chess match in TLG is really awesome.

Lafayel: (reading over her shoulder) You DO torture him so…even I feel sorry for the incompetant human every once in a while.

NF: Like I can do anything about it. It's not exactly easy for me to torture him, but hey, if I made everything easy it would be so much less satisfying in the end.

Lafayel: (opens his mouth to say something sarcastic)

NF: Oh look! Ants! Lafayel, go get the ants for me…

Lafayel: (swears loudly and walks away to go get the ants)

Problem: even before I post, I do not _see_ big long paragraphs. I just see _paragraphs_. Because I almost never write SMALL paragraphs. Heck, I don't even write Paragraphs half the time, I write pages. Oro. Sorry, but I'm trying as I can. I know you want to beta read or something (and with your "lack of description" mixed with my excessiveness, we shall rule the world! Bwahahaaa!…er…something like that, right?) but anyway keep in mind how I do this--I'm reading over this every night and adding and modifying stuff as I go…If I let you beta read, I'll probably run into the problem of having to synchronize two different chapters. (Yeah…um…it's happened before…)

Need I remind you, the original reason you liked me was because I was trying to pimp off my Tsukasa and Shiba fanarts on a Livejournal JO fangroup comment line (why you were reading that, I have no idea, but that's how we met…I think…). Why you like me now is a bit more of a mystery to me, since I am a loser, and you are not, but still…(grin) You seem to have shoved aside all your manga-savvy coolness just to review to my rambling uber descriptive fic, and I'm grateful, so I dedicated a chapter to you. I CAN DO THAT! (sticks out tongue) Besides, I like to embarrass you. (nyeh!)

…What is this 'grammatically correct' that you speak of? (oh crap, I have MORE problems with my fic? grr…I KNEW this was too easy.) Oh, something only you will get. I took your meme home and used new people and got this:

_Mana and Alister (what the burning hay? Talk about the odd couple!) are in a happy relationship until Alister runs off with Itsuki (Boy that sucks for Mana, lose your boyfriend, AND lose one of your mindbroken soldiers too…awkward.) Mana, broken-hearted (that I can see) has a hot one-night stand with Lafayel (Um, isn't he trying to kill her? and HELLO, He's dead! Even then, er…NO!) and a brief unhappy affair with Shiba (Poor Shiba. You'd think she'd be a little nicer to him…you've gotta feel for that guy) then she follows Eclipse's wise advice (yeah, Eclipse is good for advice…Eclipse: use dark arrow and destroy their home town in a bath of fire. Mana: Um…-sniffle- I don't think I can do that… Eclipse: Then you are doomed. Mana: -begins to cry**-** Eclipse:-sweatdrop- oh fine, listen closely… ) And finds true love with Tsukasa (Oo?…Tomonori is SO not going to be happy…)_

I think someone's going to read that who's not supposed to… (nervous laughter)

Do I even need to tell you to keep reading? If you don't I can just pop up and bug you relentlessly on your journal. (smirk) YOU, despite what you say, need to keep writing. I LIKE your stories, despite how non-descriptive you think they are. I say keep going!

And um…I'll have to work on those T-shirts…hmm.

**Worthless Shadow**-(ahem) Er…thanks for replying to my incessant pimping off of my own greatness. You can feel free to throw something at me for being an arrogant asshole. (THIS response is rather non-poetic…to make up for what I did to you last chapter (grin))

Fluff is an enemy of mine…or it was…I don't know anymore, shounan-ai was an enemy of mine too, and NOW look at me. (hangs head in shame)

Tomonori: I'm not confused!

NF: So you love Tsukasa?

Tomonori: Ye-N-Y-….(closes mouth and glares) That's an inappropriate question!

NF: So it is, and you didn't answer it.

Tomonori:…

Tsukasa: (sighs) It's alright…I'll leave you alone (gets all bummed out again)

Tomonori: No Tsukasa, it's not like that! I…(glances back at Neurofeces nervously)

NF: (grinning evilly)

Tsukasa: (big eyes) Do you…like me, Tomonori-san?

Tomonori: (seems torn)

Tsukasa: (waiting hopefully.)

NF: (waiting with a knowing smirk) Well go on, answer the boy.

Tomonori: I…I…(suddenly grabs his head and passes out from the stress)

Tsukasa: Tomonori-san! (grabs him) Tomonori-san! (shaking him) Tomonori-san wake up!

NF: Tch. Cheater. (grumbles)

Tsukasa: (panicking) He won't wake up!

NF: (smirking evilly) Maybe he needs mouth to mouth…

Tsukasa: Oh! (takes her suggestion seriously)

NF: (sweatdrop) …er…I bet _that'll_ help him decide…eugh…I think I'll skip lunch today…(grossed out) Blech…

Tsukasa: (desperately trying to revive him…even though he's obviously not doing it right)

NF: You know, I don't think mouth-to-mouth usually involves tongue…(turns to WS) Er…yeah…He seems confused…I think he's having trouble deciding to still pretend to be passed out, or wake up and make out with Tsukasa. Oro. Hee.

**Aspreal**- Are my authors notes REALLY longer than the fic? Hmm…last I checked, my former chapter alone had about twenty pages to it without any authors notes at all…So if you were being literal I don't THINK that they're quite THAT long…but yeah…they're a touch excessive aren't they? (sweatdrop) Hopefully the fic, plus parodies makes up for it. Everything's pretty long here. THIS time, I think my authors notes might actually be longer than the chapter, but still, the chapter's long anyway, ad I'm parodizing all over the place, so it's like there's still story going on, so I don't think that really counts. (I need a vent, and this amuses people)

My grammar is lacking? That is unpossible. (grin) Okay, a little. But it's better than page long paragraphs I think. Notably, Grammar is spelled with no 'e', but your criticism is accepted nonetheless (and with some amusement). I'm running off a version of Word from 2000, I don't think it has an automatic grammar checker like the more recent XP versions do…but in future chapters I'll try to do better.

That said, THANK YOU. It's nice to know that I'm hooking in the typical 'tough critics' so to speak. It's very flattering to be made an exception.

Eye descriptions: would you rather that I go on about how pretty Tsukasa's _nose_ is? Um…if you have a suggestion for a proper substitute then I suppose I could try, but I tend to look people in the eye, and all this stuff just came to me and seemed to be some of my best stuff in there. I didn't really want to remove it because it turned out soooo good. But so far I think I've hit them without reason other than going all purple-prosy—for Tsukasa I believe—about three times.

Eyes are important in the fic. They will continue to be important in the fic. I'll have to describe them, if only because they're an important part of how Tsukasa sees Tomonori. He HAS to have struggle registering there, because it will come as a surprise to Tsukasa. But I can certainly cut back on the flowery language for Tsukasa's eyes. I think I've about done the best I can with last chapter's description. (I have this mental picture…and it won't leave me alone. Damn they're pretty!)

The 'skit thingy' made you laugh…yeah well, the 'skit thingy' makes me laugh too. But since I'm the one writing it, people generally just think I'm a loony toon for doing that. I hope you enjoyed the one above.

Since I'm not done with it yet, I'd say the fic's continuing. Wish granted. Gee that was pretty easy. Want a plant or something as a souvenir? (chucks a squash) (grin) Hope you keep reading, oh noble critic. You're fun to write back to, you know that? That said, would you like to torment a bishie? Hmm…that's funny, they seem to be staying out of your review…I'm better go check the closets myself…I think Lafayel's off using the hand blender or something…

**XO'Magick Moon'OX**- first off, please forgive me if I've accidentally screwed up your name somehow… (is there a space between 'Magick' and 'Moon' or not?) Well…whoever you are, I first off would like to thank you for the three reviews. They were delicious. (smirk)

Tomonori: I'm not SILLY…(insulted) (reads more) (pales)

Tsukasa: (reading over his shoulder) Eight years _is_ nothing! (persistant)

Tomonori: But you're a minor and I'm an adult!

NF: Well then, as long as you don't screw him, you should be fine.

Tomonori: (reddens) Watch your mouth!

Tsukasa: But she's right Tomonori-san!

Tomonori: …(gapes then closes his mouth quickly) I should think you would know better than to ask for something like that Tsukasa.

Tsukasa: (blush) But I love you!

Tomonori: (wince)…maybe…maybe you're just confused! Maybe your amnesia's acting up-

NF: (sarcastically)Maybe someone's making excuses?

Tsukasa: But The reviewer thinks we belong together!

Tomonori: That still doesn't make it right!

NF: (eye roll) Oh, let me guess, you're-

Tomonori: Too old!

NF: (continues on the line)-too poor, too PLAGERISM OF J.K. ROWLING? Stow it Nakaura-san. I'm your writer, if I write that you two end up together, there's nothing much you can do about it.

Lafayel: (watching from the sidelines looking bored) You humans and your romance are pathetic.

Tsukasa: Lafayel, Um…I think the ants are back in the closet?

Lafayel: (glares) YOU TOO! (storms off to go check the closet)

(moment of quiet)

Lafayel: GABRIEL GET YOUR ASS OUT OF THE CLOSET AND TAKE YOUR STUPID MINDBREAKER WITH YOU!

NF: (cracks up again)

Tomonori: (sighs) are you done yet?

Tsukasa: (turns red and sweatdrops at the thought of what Gabriel and Kuro could be doing in the closet)

NF: Yes…I'm done

Tomonori: Alright then. I am too old for him. He's too young for me. We're both men. I'm a priest. He's an angel. I can think of a million reasons why it couldn't work.

NF: Oh come on, you make out with Tsukasa off screen all the time—

Tomonori: (pales) SHHH!

Tsukasa: But she's right, Tomonori-san…are you…ashamed of me? (gets all hurt and pathetic and cute and Tsuaksa-ish) …I guess I don't blame you…I'm deformed…I'm not good enough for you…

Tomonori: (mouths soundlessly in shock before he catches himself) No! I…I don't think that at all about you Tsukasa!

Tsukasa: (gets sort of hopeful) R-Really?

Tomonori: I…(swallows) Yes.

Tsukasa: (tearful smile)

NF: (rolls eyes) Good, that solves that. See Amou-kun? He loves you, but is too stupid to actually say it, you can glomp him without feeling a twinge of regret.

Tsukasa: (brightens) T-Tomonori-san?

Tomonori: (Bright red) …(gives in and hugs Tsukasa) (mouths 'I'll get you for this' to NF)

NF: There, now that wasn't so hard. Back to my reply.

Yay! You don't care about my paragraphs! I am SO giving you the fanart links just for that alone, not to mention the saying I am IC with all my new inventions (flattering, but I don't think so, I've had to fill in too much for it to be utterly IC). They're MY fanart works notably, so there's only two of them…so far (one of Amou, and one of Shiba) but You seem like a good home for them to go to, just as long as you don't say _you_ did them (if you do, I will send Lafayel to look for ants in your reviews)

INSERT WEB ADRESSES:

Amou doesn't look dead does he? (eyes Tsukasa worriedly) No considering he's still confusing poor Tomonori plenty, I'd say he's still alive. Thanks for the trust though. Notably if I was going to kill him, this would a be a tragedy fic.

If Tomonori told him how he felt, there wouldn't be any conflict now would there? (smirk) besides, it's unrealistic for everything to be all nice and happy in just an evening, right? This is going to go on for a while, sorry.

With all the praises I'm somewhat worried I'm going to see you on the sidelines somewhere with pompoms and a TXT matching outfit set or something. I mean, fans…weird…I didn't know I had BIG fans like this. I mean, yeah, people like my fic. The paragraphs suck, but they like the fic…I just didn't expect to get 'YOUR FIC IS AMAZING' in big capital letters no less. Um…gee…thanks… (rubs back of neck awkwardly and blushes)

The eyes, heh…well what can I say? I need to find more fandoms with angels in them so I can have fun making inhumanly beautiful and complicated eyes…(sigh) But yeah…pesky mental picture. And most unfortunately, I've been trying to capture them in fanart about five times now and I always screw up (DANG) so I seem to have to depend on my writing to communicate the idea that I have. (sigh) Most unfortunate. Hee.

Just tell me if you use the fanart for something, okay? (1-I'm nosy and want to see if there are any other JO groups I might have missed somehow… 2-I want to see if you make them better if you have paintshop skills, which I lack!)

Thank you, once again, for all your kind reviews.

Oh and if I ever end up making a picture of something stupid (I'm thinking about embarrassing Lafayel…) Would you like that too?

**Argent Inluminai-** Hi again! Neo…(laughs) I loved the first Matrix. Jump program huh? Well, I'm hardly leaping great buildings…just rambling, and I'm trying to keep it a little more concise this time. Thank you for actually LOOKING to see if things were running smoothly (I will now worship you as though you were a god! Er…well…maybe not…but thanks anyway!) Things are running smoothly in wonderland…or as smoothly as they ever do when you're busy tumbling down the rabbit hole (and picking up jars to eat on the way down of course…)

I take it you play spades? I love that game…favorite card game, yo (ooh, note my attempts at being cool and down wit' it …or whatever it is…pathetic eh?). I thought to myself…Self? What can we do? Nakaura-san's a little dark to be diamonds, or hearts or any of the red suits…and he isn't exactly clubs material…so do you think we can risk it with spades? Self text messaged back: Hell yeah, go for it girlfriend. I had a bit of a talk over the word choice (…Self, I think you're been watching the in-crowd a little too much…(suspicious glance)) And yeah, you're SUPPOSED to feel bad for them. (hello? Angst/romance?) A self beating love where both sides are in perfect harmony but neither one will acknowledge it, and both are consequently in emotional agony, is just one of those things where after a while you REALLY want to give the people a hug and tell them to get together already…but they really need a bit of a kick in the pants before they stop their self moaning this time… It's amazing how selfish love can be when all you care about is the other person!

Never hesitate to give me the psychological viewpoint, I just eat that stuff up. I love it. Yes, Tomonori has a lot against him if he's ever going to end up with Tsukasa. A lot of hurdles that aren't going to be easy to jump in a dress.

Tomonori: It's a robe! (points at his style of attire irritably)

NF: Whatever.

(laughs) Okay, point taken. In the world of anime, eight years is nothing—personally, I never really got into sailor moon…it's a little shojo-ish for my taste, plus half the show seems to be people changing clothes in public…albeit with nice animation…You'd think there would be some embarrassment issues…but no…(grins) Really Tsukasa's body-change thing isn't much different, except he doesn't seem to go through a phase where he dances around and glows while he's naked, and puts on each accessory separately…(evil cackle)

Tomonori: Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

NF: Yeah, meaning that if she worships anyone other than you, she will be gutted with that 'bling-bling' cross of yours.

Tsukasa: (confusedly) blingbling? What's a blingbling? Does it jingle?

NF: Maybe. I never really understood ghetto-speak. As a rocker-geek, I'm more partial to British cuss words. (shrug)

Tsukasa: (smiles, ignores most of the words as white noise, and hugs Tomonori)

Tomonori: I don't NEED worshippers, thank you.

NF: awww, but she feeds you guys!

Tsukasa: Oh! She brought that delicious pocky? Oh thank you! (smiles at A.I….oooh! Cool initials!)

Tomonori: (sighs and stares wearily from the reviewer to Neurofeces) Why is it always me?

NF: Because you're the tall, sexy, reserved, older man, who has the 'unattainable preist' label that the fangirls seem to love. (rolls eyes)

Tomonori: (blink) eh?

NF: Don't look at me, I don't understand fangirls of certain bishies either. I just like your whole setup for the story, not the characters one at a time…

Tomonori: I thought Tsukasa was the favorite character.

NF: He is. …Because he's the polite, sweet, naïve, femininely pretty, girls-die-for-my-figure, 'angel with a dark past', who has a questionably close relationship with the tall, sexy, reserved, 'unattainable preist'…people like him because he's him. You don't usually meet guys like him you know…

Tomonori: (glances at Tsukasa) You have a point.

Tsukasa: (blushes)

NF: Okay, I'm going to get back to my responses now before you two start going off again…jeez, give you some trouble in story, and you make up for it by becoming attached at the hip everywhere else!

It would seem my rampant ideas are becoming solved, but thank you. I hope you enjoyed…or at least dealt well with my randomness. (bows) I how you don't have to print it out this time… (smile)

**Artificial Lung**- Yay! Another Florida geek! Actually it seems more like 'what is your choice, a life of marsupials, descendants of convicts, and "g'day mate's"? Or a life of hurricanes, killer mosquitoes, and oppressive humidity.' Gee, such an easy choice…(sarcastic) I'm Miami-Dade county, we seem to be getting a lot of close calls lately. (shrug) Hooray for concrete block houses. Personally, I LIKE hurricane season, all the clouds are NICE (I'm one of those weird people who thinks the state of Washington with it's rainy climate is a good place to live) for me it's more like 'ACH! SUNLIGHT MAKE IT STOP!' (giggles) Thanks for letting me vent about the sunshine state.

GAH! Are you people conspiring to turn my face the color of a tomato? I mean, is my fic THAT good? (I'm not quite perfectionistic enough to get worried about the 'like's not at this point at least…I haven't even noticed.) Hmm, remind me to fed the plot bunnies…(mutters to herself)

Oh! A Floridian who reads DD, yeah, I definitely like you! When you get up an account, write some JO. This place has less than a hundred fics! PATHETIC! We can do better than that! Plot oriented people untie…er…UNITE! (dang typos, conspiring with the smut fics…grr…)

(cocks head) are you pecking grain? What's with all the bowing? You're making me seasick! And whaddaya mean for CONSIDERNG even reading this. I reply to EVERYONE and you wrote a lot. I don't exactly write back by osmosis…yet (if evil plan # 478 and a third works out, then I'll never have to worry about this again, but it's already blown up about five times now, so I don't think so…)

NF: LAFYAEL! HAMPSTERS! SMITE THE FIGMENTS!

Hampsters: BRAINS!

Lafayel: Why do I ALWAYS have to smite stuff…why can't you send Israfel instead!

NF: He's checking for ants in the closet.

Lafayel: (rants and raves about the unfairness of it all and the stupidity of humanity)

I DO look forward to seeing you again. (smile) Bye I guess! Stay safe, you! Get those shutters up when you need to!

This concludes the longest review-fest ever. Leave a review if you dare. (You don't even want to know what's going to happen next time)

REVIEW AT YOUR OWN RISK!

May cause: Bloating of the ego; Strange urges to glomp/molest bishies; Phobia of hampsters, closets, or ants; excessive washing of eyebrows; Vertigo in rabbit holes; shouting of the phrase 'spades rock!'; a desire to brutally maim any rabbits with pocketwatches; whining about your job; fanarts; fanfics; fan-shirts; fan-socks; fan-fans…etc.

Not to be read by people with kidney or liver disease, may cause additional sexual side effects.

You have been warned (tries not to crack up)


	8. 8 Repentance: Tomonori

Edit: okay, I was looking this over (and frowning mightily to myself as I noticed that the computer changes all my little question mark plus exclamation mark thingies into exclamation marks…) and suddenly I'm blinking there going 'hey…half of this chapter isn't there…'

(blink blink blink)

Uh huh, so after I was done sitting there for a few minutes stupidly, and then after the NEXT few minutes that I spent stressing out, I went home and copied the whole file over again. Apparently I had TWO versions marked "C8" in my floppy. One in Rich text format (wordpad) where I'd begun it on my desktop and then another on Word format where I'd finished it on my laptop. Guess which one I picked?

Yep…the old version.

Gee that was stupid…

But I think I only got a few little reviews since I posted it, so it's basically okay—though I can't thank enough the kind souls who gave me reviews for the horrible cutoff on the old version, I'm SO sorry! (and if people want to re-review they can come in anonymous and rebuke me mightily for my stupidity… (bows head and cringes)) Notably, you might want to re-read the torture scene because a few small details were filled in between the old and new version, plus the new version takes this from just over sixteen pages long, to being about twenty five pages long before all the paragraph spacing kicks in. (Yep…I think this IS officially the longest story in the fandom, all due to the power of excessive descriptiveness. (sweatdrop))

Uh huh…I'm still working on my super duper review responses for chapter nine (which is roughly 50 percent complete, and C10 after that has a good 20 percent or so done on it too) so unfortunately I'll have to skip them again for this chapter just like in the old version. (sigh) I'm really sorry, but I'd feel really really bad if I replied to some people and not others. (plus I'm scared about getting lynched in the parking lot and the bishies being freed to do whatever they want upon my death. Something about Lafayel and muffins, and Mizunagi taking over the world with hospital forms and chicken spit or such)

However, I DID add some goofing around in a parody at the end of the chapter—the only reason that was left off before was because, as I said, I accidentally selected the old version of this chapter…also that isn't something that there's any great danger of doing later on, it's just that the torture scene was written this past summer for chapter eleven of this on the old storyline that I abandoned.(For curiosity's sake, the old storyline was abandoned because it was too similar to foolishmortal's "the angel" storyline. Tsukasa ends up running away and staying with Gabriel and co. while both sides lament being separated, big happy ending, lots of hearts and stars…nope. Not for me. My approach would have been far too simplistic.)_ Teaser hint:The new story line has battle scenes, and subplots, and eraser OCs based off research I did on the subject(The "Azrael" in this chapter will be one such OC others that I'm sure I will use will be Rayyu, and…well I want to keep at least one a secret…you'll see them in C10(wink))…all in all it's going to be a lot more interesting…ooh, and I think there's even a bit of a love triangle (wicked grin) I'm positively sadistic! (cackles) between who? I'm not saying! _

Anyway…Stuff's been going a little slower because "Gracious Wings" has been plot-bunnying me. (I have like five chapters done for that…It's been plot bunnying me for a long time before I posted it…I have some things that are pre-Control era writing that I worked on but haven't posted yet…I never know what I'm going to polish up sometimes)I know, I'm not happy either, but since it's basically the intro for "Control" so I feel slightly less bad (I mean…I'd still be throwing you guys some bones…(sheepish smile)). I have such a kick-arse few chapters coming up…I get to do MY oh-so-canon take on the scene where T and T first meet (oh the rain, the amnesia…the NAKEDNESS of it all! (cackle)). Oh yes…another reason why I'm a bit delayed is that I need to write a whole freaking book for my dad. It's been stealing a good bit of my time too as can be expected. (supposedly I need to get published by the end of the school year, but I'll rant about that in more detail in the great time consuming intro to C9)

Old dedications and such are as follows.

Thanks for the trouble of re-reading…I hope it's worth it.

_This chapter is dedicated to **MOG** because she doesn't even know the fandom or who the heck is who or what, and all she has to go on is some swiped scans so she can see what the characters even look like (reaction: ooh! Bishies! What's this called again? Tsukasa's pretty…Ooh and Tomonori looks cool! (ahem)), but she reads this because I stress out about it and ramble about it and ask her what she thinks about my horrible descent into the world of shounan-ai. And somehow in all of this, manages to corrupt me further and further down this dreaded path of perviness with her riotously funny sense of humor. _

_Here's to MOG! My first guiding prophet on the path to shounan-ai. For reading on out of sheer friendship and kindness and an attempt to…um…blow up my ego it seems--Metro! Stop her! (grin) I am eternally grateful. _

_If ever there's a person who deserves praise, it's MOG, because if it weren't for her running around on my LJ with her little Anonymous comments and entertaining me with a vast and complicated sort of weird demented self story roleplay thing where Yugi-oh, Demon Diary, and other such things are pushed to the limits of their sanity just so we can have a laugh, I probably would still be focused on trying to act depressed and serious all the time. _

_Here's to not only a great writer, and a wonderful person, but a rather demented and deluded and all around strange sort of friend that no person's life would be interesting without. _

_Thanks for everything MOG, and please don't feed the babies, Raenef…(cackle) _

_…By the way, when IS Eclipse due? It's a miracle he hasn't miscarried with us going on all the time and what with all the unstable plothole crossoverness. I would have expected him to make more of a fuss than Kaiba being a demon and all…(giggle)…um yes…like that…see why I like her? _

_MOG, you are an angel….and no that's not a typo for 'Alister'. Grr. _

_Also to **Fyredra** who has determined that she likes my writing even when she doesn't know it's me who's doing it. Lafayel's official first fangirl! Also…um…technically my most noble moderator on the forum (bows) Your review for AA will be legendary, and is also dedicated a place of honor on my wall of shame (it's my shame to be writing like this anyway…(blush)) Hooray for fringe pairings! And you get that fic up so I can read and drool and praise you relentlessly (cackle) And if you think TXT is sugary, have you seen what I've done to it? _

_Well…whatever you're doing, you are awesome….and the only one in the world who could probably teach me how to do a proper LJ cut without me exploding into a fit of epilepsy or something. _

_BOTH OF THESE TWO WONDERFUL GIRLS ARE PROUD MEMBERS OF THE MARQUEEING ONION SQUAD! POWER TO THE ONION! _

_Rest in peace sinners! (wink) _

Warnings: (oh boy, here it comes), Shounan-ai--um yeah…you know that already, Christian themes (if you're offended, boo-freaking-hoo, you can deal with it, and if you can't, then by all means flame me and I'll roll my eyes and mutter stuff about you behind your back.(grin) I don't think it's exactly offensive or anything to whine about, so keep it to yourself…), Graphic PG-13 worthy torture scene (in the dream of course…it doesn't just randomly pop up y'know.), Tomonori being uber-angsty and too smart for his own good (just get a grip and a happy pill or something dude…), and oh-sweet-Jesus-have-mercy…is that FLUFF? OY, um… occasional swear words (hence the rating, lack-wit (good naturedly sarcastic)), The authoress PMS-ing…er…sorry…you get the point though. (ahem) 

_-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-_

_"It is much easier to repent of sins we have already committed than to repent of those we intend to commit"-Josh Billings _

_"Pride ruined the angels, _

_Their shame them restores; _

_And the joy that is sweetest _

_Lurks in stings of remorse. _

_Have I a lover _

_Who is noble and free?-- _

_I would he were nobler _

_Than to love me." _

_-excerpt from The Sphinx, Ralph Waldo Emerson _

_-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o-O-o- _

'Forgive me...Forgive me for betraying your word my Lord.' Tomonori prayed feverishly, a droplet of sweat rolling down his forehead, trickling over his temple catching in the strands of dark hair that had fallen against his face. The droplet of sweat added more dampness to the already moist strands of hair, clumping them slightly, adding even more desperation to his appearance. His robe was still torn in some places from the rose bushes earlier in the day, his face was even paler than usual with guilt or perhaps even fear, and now with the cold sweat making his hair damp, he looked truly distressed. And indeed, he was.

But who wouldn't be in his position?

Temptation had come to him from the hands of an angel, and now, born at it's hands was this new sprouted crop of sin growing up in him…hardly a comforting occasion even if you DIDN'T happen to be a deeply religious man, and preist to boot.

The church was a place of protection, an arsenal of weaponry and shields to a member of Wiz-Dom…and yet… Even here he couldn't escape his actions, his thoughts, his feelings…

In here of all places, he was almost more of a sinner than he was when he was outside of it's heavy wooden doors. The angel was not sinning of course! He had probably been sent by God to test him!

Yes, yes…so easy to sweep away the guilt from the young boy and leave his soul clean and white and pure, while his own grew all the more caked with filthy sin.

He'd been tested by heaven and he had failed. His soul was in danger now, and it was all he could do to try to snatch it from the gates of Hell immediately, and beg for forgiveness…

So why did the flames of Hell feel so comforting and warm to him now? So…tempting?

His brow was furrowed into an expression of pain, his eyes lifted to the small figure hanging on the golden cross on the table above him. The expressively suffering face with it's crown of thorns, and sad eyes, looked down at him. As though to say He was disappointed. Well no wonder! Tomonori was disappointed with himself, God could be disappointed with him so much more… Tomonori bowed his head again, heart pounding all the louder. 'How _could_ I…?'

This was a betrayal to him, an abomination—HE was an abomination.

He'd broken a line he wasn't supposed to cross—that NOBODY was supposed to cross, especially not one in his position!

And yet, it still didn't seem so much of a line to have crossed with God, but a line that he had crossed with Tsukasa….

He'd lied to him. He'd hurt him by doing so…He'd hurt…that beautiful, innocent boy, he'd LIED! He'd never had to lie to him before…he'd always been able to tell him everything, even when he had to go off to do something his faction thought secret, he would tell Tsukasa that was what he was doing. He'd never had to do this to him before…and…he didn't like it. He REALLY didn't like it. He hated lying to Tsukasa, he didn't' ever want to do it again, but at this rate, he probably would have to do it again and again and _again_, just to keep up this façade…just to hope all of this faded away…

Since when did he worship an angel more than the angel's maker…?

His knees were aching beneath him, but he still felt unworthy, unforgiven. Like he'd somehow been stained...but not by Tsukasa's actions of course! His heart softened, surprised at the thought

…He couldn't blame the angel for all this. He wasn't unworthy because Tsukasa had kissed him, or because the eraser loved him. He was worried about that—he wasn't good enough, not for anyone, and certainly not for Tsukasa! But even this didn't make _him_ dirtied in any way—it wasn't like Tsukasa could help what he was…Tomonori's subconscious had been able to offer that much mercy from his rules and ordinances and guidelines for his life, to the boy at least.

No, rather he was unclean because he wanted the same thing. He was ashamed of _himself_, not of Tsukasa. Ashamed of his kissing Tsukasa rather than the other way around…he set this up in his mind once again as though to reassure and remind himself… he could never stay upset with Tsukasa…he certainly couldn't do it now, not even for something like this. It would be too trivial an end to their dear friendship.

Though it had certainly been shaken now at best…how could he expect Tsukasa to settle for being a friend when the angel so obviously wanted him to be more?

'But….I _can't_!'

If he would ever admit it…He didn't understand why he was wrong when the angel wasn't... scratch that, He _knew_ that he could never accept Tsukasa doing anything wrong. It was a fond blindness. He knew it existed, but Tsukasa was a good person still…and so far he had never sought to take advantage of that blindness—and he HAD to know it existed…

He admitted it to himself hesitantly, allowing his thoughts to carry on, each into their own threads and conclusions.

Tomonori's heart softened at the thought 'It's so very kind of him not to take advantage of the way I treat him…Not to use my trust…Any parent should dream of that…even if I'm not _really_ his parent…' Warm fondness filled the seemingly present hole in his chest. Something that had melted away and left him earlier that day…it seemed to melt again when he thought too long about Tsukasa. He stopped himself again, feeling that coldness with the absence of the thoughts for the angel of light. 'Dark…my thoughts are dark without his light on them…'. But he bared his teeth in a strangely expressive gesture, almost in disgust when his _weakness_ longed to go back to this warmth that thinking about Tsukasa bestowed on him.

If this was a drug, and that was it's high, then he had to break this habit before he found himself further addicted, unable to stop…

'yes…this has to stop…whether I want it to or not…'

But perhaps he was already too far gone, too addicted to pull back without tearing something to pieces, even if it was only the threads of addiction, of hormonal attraction—the boy _was_ very attractive after all…

Tomonori let go another heavy sigh, shifting slightly on his numbing but still painful knees.

This pain…he deserved it. It was a SMALL punishment compared to what his words had done to Tsukasa. Again the vision of the boy's bleeding back came to him, his little pale face streaked with tears in that strange unconsciousness…

And he had caused that…

It was unfortunate in a way that Tsukasa was so good, so pure, so honest even…Tsukasa certainly wouldn't let him see the innocence he now had, but instead called attention to his past…because he felt so…so _guilty_ about it, that he had to tell Tomonori, otherwise he probably felt like he was lying… Tomonori smiled to himself, feeling warmth again at the fact that he was the person Tsukasa trusted, that he was the person Tsukasa confided in…that their friendship was special…

And his past…Tomonori didn't care about his past! and he'd told him so! Told him that he was no longer Israfel, that he was a simple and innocent human boy, and his family—his _only_ family now. Those bleeding scars weren't something horrible to him aside from when they became a physical mark of how deeply Tomonori had wounded him by pushing him away… Tomonori had previously been shocked, but not repulsed by the marks…he hadn't thought Tsukasa to be ugly or deformed—quite the contrary in fact! He didn't mind the scars except that they pained Tsukasa so much…he seemed almost ashamed of them, even though he had begun to go to swimming and had become less self conscious—saying that they were a part of him too. But they weren't a part that he seemed to like…Not that Tomonori minded them. But Tsukasa didn't listen…He didn't listen to him at all! Refusing to believe…believe that Tomonori could see past these dark acts in his past.

Tomonori almost smiled to himself again, though it would have been a humorless, bitter smile at that. What could he possibly say to him about this? Was there any comment that wouldn't offend or horrify the boy? 'My dear Tsukasa…don't you know by now that this war gives everyone demons in their past that they never wish to see again?' He sighed again. Demons. Yes. 'sometimes literal ones…' he thought to himself moodily. His own mental word choice was ruthless and unforgiving to him. Why should he gain unbidden pity if he could not give it to others?

…He hadn't survived this long because he was hesitant to bring death to a demon should it attack him…Simply because Tsukasa had killed _humans_, ones that he now _knew_ and _befriended_, didn't make it any different. All of those who were part of the Aquarian Age bore blood on their hands from the age their powers sprang into being. Tomonori was a Demon Hunter, that was his title, his task, his work, his mark of having survived. Those who did not kill could not survive…and yet…Tomonori hadn't killed anything since he'd been mindbroken…he somehow hadn't been able to give the final blow…not when his comrade was a Darklore…not when it would have so crushed his master should she have known—she so hated to even so much as HEAR about people being hurt…not when Tsukasa's past and the act of killing made him so anguished and horrified and terrified of himself…Tomonori had reasoned that he didn't want to provoke any reference in his own actions to the past sins that Tsukasa so despised himself for doing—Tsukasa of course mattered to him more than the others, even his master. Though she was certainly a large factor as well.

But still…what could he say?

'The past should not hinder us like this if we have made progress in the present to correct it's mistakes forever.' Could he ever possibly bring himself to say this to Tsukasa? When he could risk hurting him? Unprotected words could wound him so easily…

He could see the imagined face burst into tears of frustration and anger '_You wouldn't understand! How can you say something like that about the past! Yours is perfect compared to mine!'_ and then he would have to back down, apologize, try to calm the anguished boy…and…he didn't know if he could do that the right way, if he could risk it. The sad reminiscence that occasionally graced the angel's features was bad enough, but to be the cause of such anguish, to presume that he knew what was best to say to him when he still knew so little…that wasn't a risk he had the strength, or the longing to assume, even to try to reassure poor Tsukasa.

He forced himself to stop accusing the boy in his head—that was what he saw his own 'distantness' as after all. His protective blindness to the boy was—like all his strictness—even harder on himself then it was on others. Tsukasa's choice…no…he didn't even have a choice…all hormones, that's what it had to be! He was probably completely blameless for his actions, they probably couldn't be controlled… This couldn't be real…he was too young to love with that sort of 'commitment'. This had to be one of those common flash crushes…they hit lots of people Tsukasa's age…this was natural…right? And Tomonori was…well…he knew he was important to Tsukasa…that had to explain it somewhat…right?

Tomonori allowed himself to grimace now that nobody was watching '_is_ it right? I can't understand him at all sometimes, and he's not like other humans…he's…so different in how he looks at the world sometimes…what if I'm wrong about him again?'

When Tomonori was pessimistic, Tsukasa had shown him how to smile and be happy. And when the boy became depressed and upset, lost in his past, Tomonori tried to comfort and support him, cheer him up…They did all they could to help one another, and Tomonori hated the idea that he might stumble in his assumptions and make a choice that would make Tsukasa dreadfully upset with him…

That was what made this so hard an addiction to break, because he couldn't lose it's cause. This was a drug that would heal as well as break if used the wrong way…no…Tsukasa wasn't to be USED like some useless controlling chemical…he wasn't just some addiction Tomonori had to break…he was a person…a very dear person…and therefore he couldn't possibly turn him away…no…he couldn't…

Because he cared too much…and that was the problem.

But amidst all their caring, some things, the boy simply couldn't seem to understand…simple things: such as Reading and Writing, they had always been a little difficult for him. Tomonori had never quite understand why until he found out that Tsukasa was an Eraser—Because Erasers had no written language whatsoever. The language was purely verbal. Sounds transformed into marks on a paper had given Tsukasa much difficulty—he just couldn't seem to grasp the concept for innumerable weeks. It wasn't something that was possible from his perspective of thinking, how could this funny little mark, done just so…how can it become this word which I speak? It's only a mark on paper!

Tomonori sighed smiling to himself at the boy's remembered frustration. At the time Tomonori hadn't understand it at all as to why this could be so difficult, but if the boy could like him despite all of that, he had been quite prepared to be patient.

His schooling had been mostly tutored by Tomonori in that first year to help him learn the written language. Conveniently, it had had allowed Tsukasa's unusual closeness to the teacher to be a little less noticeable—people assumed they had become friends through the tutoring rather than asking questions as to how he had been discovered, and to why he might be living with him…Tomonori being a priest, with bad publicity to his kind when it came to living with a young boy all alone. Still, it had been easier this way to allow Tsukasa to fit in. The boy's stunning looks had instantly found him a place as far as girls went, but the male portion of the school had been a little more cautious, more skeptical…His uncommon politeness, his high voice, and his frail appearance had given him a little trouble at first, not to mention he was blond, which gave him many dirty or envious looks straight off. He certainly stood out. If anyone had found out that he could barely read or write, it would have only added kindling to the flames.

People knew he was not in normal classes, but the common notion was that he was a Missionary kid…an exchange student of sorts, possibly dropped off in Japan while his family was undercover in some place that wasn't so apt to accept their faith…China had been the common choice for this rumor with it's still harsh view towards Christianity (though that only made it more of a badge of credit to a missionary's name who went there and converted people). The rumor easily explained why he wouldn't know how to write Japanese yet—he could have been anywhere in the world!

And with this far more exciting bit of gossip, nobody had really thought to be interested in the truth until later on in the year when people began to notice that he said things like 'no…I really don't know where they are at all, I…don't really know much of anything'

Then when it had spread that he had amnesia, gossip had fanned even higher. Some poor braniac had let loose the specifics on the condition of disassociative amnesia—that it was brought on by a traumatic event. The rumors had spun long and fanciful about what possible traumatic event could have happened to him: Was he a boy who had watched his family killed? Was he kidnapped? Raped?(he was pretty after all, and delicate seeming, it wouldn't have been to hard to overpower him if you had such a malicious intent…) Did he commit some sort of crime?

It had blown completely out of proportion, until poor Tsukasa had simply burst into tears one day once they reached home--much to Tomonori's alarm.

_"Can't they see I don't want to talk about all these things, that they're not true? Why can't they just leave me alone? Did I do something wrong!"_ Tomonori had shaken his head, still alarmed by the boy's outburst, shocked, even horrified at his sobs.

_"Calm down…this isn't your fault. No. It's because you're different…Because you don't know the facts and so you can't correct them, no matter how hard you try…people can be cruel when they're curious."_ The small boy had bitten his lip tears welling in his eyes anew, turning them away from the older man. His body shook in a sob _"Oh…I wish I could remember…It would put a stop to all of this…I wish I knew who my parents are…if they really are such wonderful heroes…even if they were killed by the erasers just trying to rescue me…I just wish I knew…" _

The boy's shoulders shook as he put his head in his hands, long ponytail of hair frothing over his back, contrasting right against his black uniform._ "People will gossip at anything." _Tomonori had replied quietly, tentatively touching Tsukasa's shoulder. _"You look different, you're polite, you're kind, you are a really very wonderful person. Some people just can't take that…like they would prefer that you were mean and nasty and horrible, and that this is all a façade just so they can feel better about themselves."_ Tsukasa's eyes had widened in shock, staring up at the older man "_B-But, I would never…"_ Tomonori gripped his shoulder more firmly _"I know…I know. But some people want you to be something you're not just because how wonderful you are makes them see how terrible they are in comparison. You have to be patient, it will fade away. And you mustn't become a horrible person just to get back at them…you shouldn't spoil who you are just for other people. Not when there's so much goodness in you." _He put his hand to Tsukasa's head and tried to smile for his sake.

Tsukasa's cheeks had darkened in a charming blush, but it was ruined by fresh tears trickling down his cheeks, he fiddled embarrassedly with a long lock of his tied back hair. He paused staring at it. _"Thank you."_ Tomonori nodded, the smile coming more easily now. Tsukasa's eyes became suddenly sadder as he stared at the blond hair in his palm. He sighed depressedly "_…maybe I should be more normal then…"_ He'd murmured to himself. He quickly wiped his eyes and pulled his hair loose, letting it fall down his back freely, it was easily down to his waist. Hair that would make a girl envious for it's color and softness.

His large eyes lifted to look at Tomonori. "_Nakaura-san…you've been so kind to me…could I ask you to…c-cut my hair?"_ Tomonori's eyes widened. He had been shocked at the request. The boy's hair was so beautiful it seemed almost a sin to want to cut it. _"Why!"_ Tomonori had asked, unable to mask the shock from his voice. _"Because it'll help me fit in…because people hate it!" _Tsukasa had said miserably, his voice tight with unhappiness, his small hands curled into fists. He obviously didn't want to lose his hair either. More tears slipped down his face as he seemed to realize what he was doing… His hair was something he had from before, from the past he couldn't remember. Hair that shimmered in a streak of light blond—the exact color of malt…it was one thing he didn't have to struggle to remember…one thing that was HIM—the person he had lost…and now he was giving it up? _"I don't. I don't hate you at all. You know that, right?"_ Tomonori had said, concern bordering on being stricken. This was a strangely dark attitude for his friend to take. His gloom was frightening considering how happy he had once been, back when he had first awakened without his memories…now he was becoming unhappy and depressed. It affected Tomonori as well, this new attitude of Tsukasa's…

Tsukasa had smiled sadly shaking his head. _"I know…You're…different. I feel like you would like me no matter what I did, Nakaura-san…I wish everyone was as nice as you are."_

Tomonori remembered the long moment of silence before he sighed, in which he had paled and attempted to hide it without success. He hadn't known what to say, and so, he had ignored it as well as he could.

_"I-If you really want me to, I'll cut your hair. But I want you to be sure. I'm certain that if you decide you don't like how it looks it will take you **years** to grow it back…Do you understand what you're doing Amou? Are you absolutely sure that this is what you want?" _Tsukasa had closed his eyes, tears snaking from under his eyelids, he gripped his hands into tighter fists. _"I'm **sure**…I'm tired of all of this…I can't be invisible if people are always looking at my hair…and people sometimes think I'm a girl…Yeah…I want to cut it." _Tomonori remembered his heavy sigh. _"Alright Amou…if you're sure…Just let me get a towel and the scissors. You'll have to tell me how long or short you want it."_

Tsukasa's voice had been shaky "_Nakaura-san? uh…can you call me…'Tsukasa'?" _

Tomonori had paused, then turned to look at him, blinking once. Tsukasa's cheeks suddenly reddened as though embarrassed again, asking if maybe this was too much with his eyes. Tomonori remembered his mild confusion and awkwardness. _"O-Of course…Tsukasa." _Tsukasa's blush had doubled in it's deepness and a dazzling smile had slipped over his face. _"Thank you…for everything, Nakaura-san, you always help me feel better…I'm sorry to give you so much trouble and all."_

Tomonori remembered how his embarrassed expression had grown more flustered by a fraction, and he'd fumbled with his glasses for a moment, suddenly alarmed by the boy's praise. "_I-It's no problem at all. …We are…family…aren't we? That's what families do for each other…isn't it?"_ Tsukasa's face had glowed with affection that would have been enough to make anyone blush self consciously. He looked down at his small pale hands. _"Thank you anyway." _He'd looked back up at him, gratefully. Tomonori had slowly bowed his head in return, feeling almost bewildered. _"D-don't worry about it. I always want to help you, Am-…Tsukasa."_ It had felt so strange at first…calling him by that name. Tsukasa nodded, still smiling. _"I know…I'm glad I have you for my friend Nakaura-san."_ Tomonori had smiled to himself nervously, turning his back to hide his hesitation as he asked, busying himself with getting the scissors. He chewed on the inside of his cheek before finally saying in what he hoped was a nonchalant manner, _"You don't have to call me that…You can call me Tomonori if you want…"_

Nobody had called him that since his family had been killed. And only his family had called him by that name…one thing that he possessed and kept hold of zealously…this was what he would give to Tsukasa. Status as his family…

He tensed waiting for a response. He slowly turned around bracing himself for Tsukasa's look of shock, but instead he found the boy wide eyed, smiling brilliantly _"Oh!…thank you so much Tomonori-san!"_ Something about hearing that name again no longer filled him with sadness when the boy said it. It just seemed **right** coming from his kind, polite, gentle mouth. Though he hadn't heard it in years. Though he still felt a pain in his chest at its use… This was his new family, this boy. And this was his name to use.

Tomonori sighed, lost in the memory, a nostalgic smile on his face, unbeknownst even to him.

He would always remember that first time Tsukasa had called him by name…

The doctors had assumed it was a side effect of his amnesia—Tsukasa's difficulty with written words, and Tomonori had been filled with his own troubles at the time, so he had welcomed the work of 're-teaching' Tsukasa how to read and write. It had been a distraction, a welcome one.

As isolated as his years in the orphanage had been, he was never completely alone. Even though he had never truly befriended or been befriended by any of the children his age—since he had been so consumed in making himself strong enough to defend himself—he had enjoyed watching them, and being surrounded by them. He had been small at first. Small and slender with a build much like Tsukasa's, but soon his mixed blood had begun to show itself…though he still looked Asian like his mother, he had soon gained his father's impressive height. And for the minor disadvantages—powers he never had fully mastered as a full blooded WIZ-DOM would have, he had found advantages with a more nimble mind.

His childhood had fashioned him into a reasonably able individual. He wasn't a powerful WIZ-DOM, but he was adequate. And he had good relations with independent mercenaries, like Tracer. He came up with unique battle tactics due to long hours poring over books memorizing battles—both human history and the secret history of the Aquarian Age. Armed with all these accomplishments, he had gone into the world on his own…and had gradually begun to fall apart.

He'd never noticed how much he enjoyed himself when he was young. His thoughts had been gloomy. And he was hesitant to reach out to bring others close for fear that they might be killed. A fear he had deadened over the years—though nonetheless, many of the children at the orphanage had been killed before adulthood. WIZ-DOM's war with the Darklore was brutal and merciless. Even children were targets…sometimes specifically. He had survived along with about sixty percent of his orphanage's 'graduation year'. The day he turned eighteen he became a demon hunter in his own right. He had entered under apprenticeship to one of the elder demon hunters—the man he still called 'father' not only because of his role as a preist, but because he had been a father to him, in a distant way…But though this had slowed his internal destruction, it had not been enough to stop his downward descent.

Being alone and on his own out in the world had torn at him. He'd immersed himself in the church just to sate his longing to be around others to know OF them, even if he didn't truly know them… It had helped…but not much.

There had been one incident before Tsukasa…one incident where he had been overtaken by despair…

He shuddered suddenly, awakening his mind back to the layer of thought he had been peeling at like a potato just before this musing on himself. The eraser. The glorious eraser that had rescued his life!

They had both taken to one another with relief. Tsukasa's past had swelled with the gossip of school rumors… But he had been relatively untouched. To plain to be worth attention. His air had been strict and intelligent, but beneath that had held an air of having been somewhat washed out. A shadow…Besides that, he himself was a relatively new addition to the school's staff. Nobody had even known that they really lived together until later on in the year, and by then it didn't matter as much.

Certainly once it got around that they lived together, there were a few rumors, but by then, Tsukasa had his defenders, and Tomonori had adapted his teaching style to the students he had control over quite effectively. Soon the babble died down. They had been very careful to keep their image free from misunderstanding, always calling one another by their last names when in front of others, and carefully making sure that they watched out for and defended each other when they weren't present to defend themselves.

'He's an amazing person, that's for sure…'

…The very fact that Tsukasa had in fact actually LEARNED to read and write Japanese well enough to be put in standard classes the next year was remarkable, once he had begun to associate the marks he was making with spoken sounds, it had suddenly gone much more quickly—he was hardly stupid… just naïve and innocent… Then after it had all died down, and people had begun to accept Tsukasa as a part of their school…in their second year at Seika High together as teacher and student…Mana Kirihara had transferred in…and everything had changed…oh how it had changed…

Tomonori forced himself to stop, angry at his own inner turmoil, at his own drifting in the past after he'd argued to himself about how it wasn't important. 'It isn't his fault!…He can't help it…He probably didn't WANT to feel this way for me, it's not something _he_ could control…if there are no females in his race, then it would simply be something natural to him…and…anyway…it's not his fault that I…I…' He slammed his fists into the ground, almost prostrate on hands and knees, trembling with the force of the battle within him. He glared at the ground, giving a sound of frustration. 'No! I can stop this! I can control this! I don't HAVE to love him…This isn't _right_! If it wasn't something that could be _controlled_, it wouldn't be a _sin_ for a male to feel for another male in this way!'

He glared at the hem of the alter cloth with an intensity that would have set fire to it. He realized with even more frustrated anger that he had stopped praying, more importantly, he had stopped praying so he could push blame someplace else! He was trying to say that his was all the boy's fault, that if Tsukasa hadn't kissed him, he would have never begun to feel this way… 'But I DID!' he shouted in his head. "I felt SOMETHING before all of this!" He whispered tightly.

He was suddenly still as he realized it. His breathing stopped, his eyes widening in horror. What he had just said…and that it was true…

His mask flickered from the sudden mass of emotions surging through him. Fear, guilt, but beneath it all…it was true…he'd felt a little strange around Tsukasa…protective…maybe….even like the others had said, he might have been a little _over_protective of the boy…

What _had_ he wanted to happen…?

A sudden memory flashed in his mind. Tsukasa in tears, huddled against him…he could remember everything of that long moment…the small cold spots left by those tears…the chill of the outside weather filling the room and turning the boy's breath to ghostly smoke…large eyes pink and filled to the brim with gushing hot liquid as the fire of his aura was burning equally hot on what little exposed skin Tomonori had….the slender stem that was his waist—it had felt so fragile and delicate and small in his arms that Tomonori had suddenly felt that someone could snap him in two, as though he were nothing more than a dried twig or a reed frozen in the winter until it snapped at the wrong angle of a harsh breeze…or perhaps even a harsh word.

But what wasn't there to protect? Anyone would protect him! …Wouldn't they! How could they ever do it from selfishness, from hoping to gain something out of it? He didn't.

Nobody had asked him to take care of Tsukasa, nobody had told him to pick up the bleeding figure in the rain those years ago. Nobody had told him to be compassionate towards the boy. He just _wanted_ to help Tsukasa.

He hadn't wanted to be alone anymore, and he hadn't wanted someone else to die as such.

Funny. The angel was the one with the guardian.

Tomonori forced himself back to his prayers. That was why he had come there after all! To ask for guidance, to look for aid against this affliction of his soul and body and heart. Forgiveness as well…Because even he didn't know how long he had knelt there and felt this strange affection for the boy and hadn't known it to be the disease 'Love' .

'God, my Holy and Merciful Father, you know my sinful thoughts, you know all that is in my heart. You know my struggles, and my sins. You know I have betrayed you with this action…but if you are willing…you can make me clean…' He lifted his gaze, clasping his hands before him again, and staring at the suffering face. 'You can take this desire from me…'

Did he want it to be gone? To feel nothing for Tsukasa? The boy made him feel in ways that nothing else ever had…but…if it wasn't right—and it clearly wasn't—then it was his duty to try to make it go away.

But if his feelings went away, it would leave Tsukasa with nothing…and the poor boy…he deserved to have someone who could love him the way he begged to be loved…His prayer was all wrong. He was praying for the wrong things…something in his was praying 'please, give me Tsukasa…' While the rest of him shuddered in fear, revulsion at his own desires.

Would he be denied peace even by God?

'Please Lord…damn me if you must, but don't let my sin damn Tsukasa as well. he's suffered so much at my hands already, don't let him hurt because of this…he doesn't deserve any more pain…if it will save, him, then take him from me!' He gasped suddenly at what he had asked. His hands trembled. Had he really just asked God to take Tsukasa from him? No! He couldn't have! But what could he do? Ask to take it back. "but…I would like to keep him if possible…" he mumbled, tacking it on the end of his prayer hurriedly.

The longer he stared at that unchanging face, the more weary he felt. His guilt pressed heavily on him. He could feel it like a lead shroud covering and smothering him, dirtying him further in the presence of his God…

'Please have mercy on us and make us both clean again…I don't want the burden of this sin!'

But he did, didn't he? Otherwise he wouldn't have taken back his word and begged to keep Tsukasa close…

'But…" He cut himself off. He needed the boy's light to guide him. God had sent him down, a shining angel sent to be a beacon of light and hope to a despairing servant who had previously found life to be meaningless…if Tsukasa were taken away…He had nothing else. Not even his new master could keep him from being consumed by despair, despite all her cheerfulness and sunny disposition. He needed Tsukasa, and Tsukasa alone.

Yes…but that was the problem as well, wasn't it? ONLY Tsukasa. Tsukasa ALONE.

He felt himself drifting, nodding off, even on his knees as he prayed. Even with these frenzied thoughts filling his head with panic, and frustration, his body demanded rest. It turned every harsh and frenzied thought into a monster, into something unconnected and more horrible than it was…. There was no time as he prayed, hours, or minutes, or seconds were all the same, some long indescribable moments of time. Prayer took time naturally, but it also seemed to be strangely outside of it's limits if you truly did it properly. Tomonori was used to throwing himself without abandon into prayer. He really had no idea how much time he had spent there…growing every drowsier…He could see neither blue twilight nor gray dawn, the moon shone through the stained glass as the clouds veiling it parted like ripples on the water, dispersing in a wild sweep of wind, tearing them to scattered fragments and wisps of cloud.

Blue, green, red, gold, purple, white, the colors reflected onto his skin, but still he prayed blearily. 'My lord, please, I beg of you, have mercy on him. Please cleanse us and let him find someone else who will not soil him before you. Please have mercy on your lost angel, and please bring guidance to your equally lost child. Cleanse us!'

Each time he began to nod off, he caught himself. 'Lord…forgive me if I fall asleep, but you know I cannot return…not tonight. Please grant me the strength to stay awake…'

But each time he seemed to fall further, feeling his body crumpling drunkenly. His eyes gave a weary look to the face, but it seemed almost to smile as his eyelids drifted shut. "Lord…forgive…me…" he murmured as his mind faded off incoherently.

-o-O-o-

Sobs filled the room. They were all he could hear. Bitter, pained weeping, calling for him. "T-T-Tomonori-san….please…help me…!" His heart was pounding fast as he ran along the corridor. Tsukasa! Tsukasa was in trouble! Nameless, non elaborate black doors, a floor so dark it was amazing he could see anything. "Tsukasa! Where are you!" He shouted. But there was no reply but the anguished weeping, he could hear pants and whimpers of pain mingling with the pleas for help.

It was frightening how close those cries for help were to the ones he had called out in the rain those years ago…but there was greater fear in them, and he felt greater dread listening to them now.

The door at the end of the hall was wide open, blindingly white light spilled from it. "I'm coming Tsukasa!" He skidded to a halt, gaping.

The white light poured down on his fallen angel, illuminating only him, and concealing the rest of the room in thick shadow.

Tsukasa stood there, weeping, bound by chains. The glorious white feathers of his wings were streaked with blood: still-flowing blood, silently trickling from gashes at the joints of each wing. Marks from where the chains had bound him so tightly that his skin had chafed away leaving raw oozing flesh. It was disconcerting to see the bald, bleeding, chafed lines against his beautiful feathers.

But more shocking than this was the great dazzlingly white, and certainly more powerful looking wing jutting out from Tsukasa's slight shoulders, a left wing that hadn't been there before for all Tomonori knew… This new wing was harder chafed, and stained so red with blood, that it was difficult to discern that the feathers had once been white, though in places it still shone it's true and glorious white, a white so pure that it was almost translucent with the light.

Compared with this great wing of flight, the almost cute little white wings at the boy's temples seemed suddenly almost drab, their white was not nearly so pure or shining…

The blood flowed in slow melancholy oozes, it had clotted the feathers together in some places, clumps of feathers glued together by rusty scabbed putrid ichor. Tomonori wanted to gag looking at these horrible wounds--his stomach was hardly delicate by any standards of war, and yet, this threatened him with horrified nausea!

Still…Even with these horrible signs of torture, Tsukasa bore marks of his magnificent beauty. Even with this torment, Tomonori was sure that he cared for the boy.

His once rounded, cutely childish cheeks were thin and bruised, making his eyes look all the larger in his desperate, emaciated face. His long golden hair was unkept and tangled, but it still glittered like a hot stream of molten white-hot metal in a long waterfall down his back, covering him where his torn robes did not. And his eyes, though red with tears, were still the shining, deep, glass mirrors Tomonori remembered and knew far better than his own black ones. His white robes were tattered, and the skin beneath was bruised in places, but his shape was still heart-wrenchingly beautiful.

Tsukasa's hands were held above his head by the chains, great rusty iron shackles cutting into his delicate wrists, pinching his soft skin painfully, blood trickling in slow rivers from those still bound chains, but his hands were still the delicate white blossoms, even stained with rust and blood as they were. His wings were unbound—and from the looks of things, they had been bound for quite some time before this. They were drooping in exhaustion, weakly dangling, but they were still nearly as striking and lovely as ever even when they were so unkept and damaged. And ever with all the years of torture, if Tomonori were to touch the trembling wings, the feathers would be soft and silken where the blood hadn't caked them with gore.

The only movement from the poor creature, was the shuddering of his body as he sobbed. It was enough to send a pang of icy coldness straight through Tomonori's heart.

The hopelessness was tangible.

'I'm coming, Tsukasa! You're safe now! I'll get you out of here!' was what he tried to say, but it never left his voicebox. He could not speak.

Tomonori couldn't make his body move, couldn't shout to Tsukasa, call to him. He tried to desperately, but he couldn't! His desperation grew with every moment of paralysis.

He had heard of such spells…a silencing spell. Like a binding spell, but weaker, because it didn't send the nearby person to sleep, but paralyzed them, ensuring witnesses. It was mostly used by rogue groups, or guerrilla factions. Factions that wanted witnesses to bear tales of their cruelty… It took all of his iron will to keep from panicking at that thought. 'Oh God…something's going to happen to him…and I'm going to watch…oh…no…this can't be happening…'

He shielded himself in forced calm.

So… he was powerless, an unwilling witness…but to what?

There was a rustle of fabric from the shadowed portion of the room. "I will ask you again as I have many times before, archangel Israfel. Perhaps today is the day that you will tell me? Hmm? Ah, no matter…I grow tired of your squeamishness. Answer me: HOW did you break free from me? No soldier has yet broken free of my grasp. How have YOU done such a thing!" Tsukasa's eyes closed, wet lashes fanning dark gold against his skin. Tears snaked beneath them as he continued crying, sagging against the chains.

"I-I T-T-Told you. I-I D-D-Don't know!" He lifted his head ahead of him to the shadows. Facing forward as though only he could see who spoke to him, then he let his head drop again, panting through his sobs. The chains hung taut under his small weight, and trembled as he wept exhaustedly, his body shaking.

There was a noise of irritation from the shadows. Tsukasa lifted eyes haunted by guilt, tears streamed from them washing away the grime streaking his face. "Please…let me die!" Tsukasa begged to the unseen form in the impossibly black shadows. There was desperation in his voice. "I don't want to hurt anyone anymore! Please!" He was cut off by a flash of white, and the echo of a slap. Tsukasa's head jerked, sending his long blond hair flying. He collapsed as though boneless from the blow. The chains rattled as he reeled. He swung lazily back on the chains, like a drunken pendulum. He gasped air, His tears spilling without end even as a livid welt began to rise against one of his thin cheeks. His large eyes stared out with fright, trying to hide himself, to protect himself. His hands fought against the chains weakly. He seemed fragile as spun glass. So much more vulnerable than ever before.

Anger rose in the paralyzed observer as he stared powerlessly at the unseen creature harming the one he cared for more than anything else.

"How dare you accuse me!" Came the voice, low and dangerous, a hissed whisper. There was a rustle of cloth, like the bearer of the sinister voice was pacing.  
Tomonori's chest gave another sharp stab of pain.

His mind screamed in anger, rage consumed him, but still, he could not move. Powerless!

A large, slender, elegant hand slipped from the shadows, stroking Tsukasa's tearstreaked face in mock tenderness with liquid motions. Tomonori felt a raging blast of anger and a hint of jealousy, but he forced it back down to make way for fear. Tsukasa was in danger and in pain and all he could do was sit there! All he could do…was watch. Watch and dread the fate of the fallen angel he cared for so much…

Tsukasa obviously didn't enjoy this touch, he shrank back from it. He whimpered, sobbing in fearful uncontrollable gasps of air. "Poor little wingless Israfel. Will you not tell me how you slipped past my control? How you continue to evade it even now?" The tone was almost sickeningly sweet, the politeness obviously concealing something far worse…

Tsukasa's face scrunched into such a look of pain, of distressed hopelessness, that Tomonori's hands fought all the harder to stretch forward an embrace him, to shield him with his own body .

He had to rescue him! He couldn't just stand here and watch him get hurt! He couldn't move still! This was torture! To watch Tsukasa be hurt, and then stand by, unable to do anything…it was unbearable! What was going to happen to him as he was trapped, watching?

"Perhaps I'm being too kind…" Murmured the voice darkly. It was lowered to a whisper again, and dripped with arrogance and contempt. "Rayyu. Give him an incentive, will you? No…not you…No…It will not serve to have you partake of his blood just yet…" There was the shuffle of footsteps. The voice sounded impatient, irritated…and yet distracted…

Tomonori's heart burned with horror, rage, and fear with every exhausted sob from Tsukasa. He had to do something but couldn't, he tried to reach the boy but couldn't.

"Lafayel. You would be better at this…will you show him what happens to those who disobey Azrael's commands?" There was cruel approval in the voice. At this word, into the light stepped the boy Tomonori remembered attacking Tsukasa last spring. But… he was _dead_, wasn't he? How could he be here?

He was shrouded by a plain white robe rather than bandages and a tattered cloak, but there was no mistaking the black wings, and the bobbed, pale hair just shy of the shade of white, his ghostly almost washed-out seeming gray eyes, too pale a shade to be human. Strange eraser eyes, cold as ice, and the same color—not blue, but cold clear gray, faceted and crackling in just the same fashion as ice would, with dark gray circling the edges like deep, dark, cold frozen lakes in winter. Deep water that would swallow you up when the thinnest layer of ice cracked and take your life in an instant. Those eyes had no room for pity, no shred of remorse…

They weren't the kind you would forget easily, either.

Tsukasa wept all the harder, pleading. "No…please…" He whispered, chains jingling as he tried to back away from Lafayel. Tomonori's heart leapt into his throat, his body tensing, and yet, not following even his desire to tense and coil his muscles like a spring to better strike when the time came. Where was his careful training? Where was his quick mind? He had nothing…he was weak…weak and powerless!

Lafayel's face was quite expressive as he stared at Tsukasa with disgust. "All you have to do is obey, you fool! How hard could this be!" Hissed the other eraser back to him with narrowed eyes, pitiless blades of razor ice. "Quit playing the saint!" He whispered hoarsely.

Tsukasa shook his head. His eyes darting frightenedly from Lafayel to the unseen eraser in the shadows.

"No, NO! You don't understand! I don't _know_ what happened to me! Please! Just let me go! Let me die!" His desperate pleas went up in a thin wail, even as he sobbed them out. "You betrayed me!" came the voice from the shadows in a screech. "You've broken free, you'll never return to us! Lafayel!" The voice had become angry, sharp. Lafayel's face was contorted by a strange expression of fascinated, disgusted enjoyment. His lips curved up into a smirk that could have frozen hearts, that would have identified any character in a play as the villain, he smirked this wicked malicious expression as his hands reached back to Tsukasa's remaining wing. "No! NO! Please! don't…" Tsukasa whimpered, suddenly panting in terror.

There was a sharp crack, and Tsukasa screamed with every shred of oxygen in his lungs. "Oops, that's what you get, traitor. That's what you get for betraying Lord Azrael like that…" Lafayel's smirk curled his lips upward, he looked positively demonic, filled with sadistic pleasure at Tsukasa's pain.

Tomonori would have screamed too, in rage. He would have flown forward and killed the one who hurt Tsukasa… except that something was holding back his voice, holding back his limbs... He cursed wildly in his mind at the one who had cast the silencing spell, praying that Tsukasa would still be alive by this twisted game's end, praying desperately that he could still run forward and protect him, or better yet, kill the twisted creature who had trapped him and hurt Tsukasa so mercilessly!

'He's got amnesia you bastard! He can't remember anything! Let him go, Damn you! LET HIM GO!' Tomonori wanted to shout at him, but he couldn't…

Tsukasa's eyes rolled in terror, in pain, his whimpering gasps for breath making Tomonori's throat hurt just hearing it's raggedness. He struggled all the harder to break this spell.

"TELL ME!" Demanded the voice. "I-I-I C-Can't!" Tsukasa whimpered, gasping for breath, his wing hanging at an awkward angle, broken, snapped. He gasped in pain. "You have to believe me! I don't know anything! Oh please! Just let me die! Have mercy!" He sobbed. There was a suddenly almost insanely hysterical laugh from the shadows "You must be joking! If you want mercy, you should betray someone so weak as to give it…You should have betrayed my dear rainless buffoon of a brother, Michael, or his pet Gabriel, not myself. You fool…poor saintly, kindly fool…I don't tolerate your brainless acts of mercy. Up here in the world of WAR, we call that treason. Lafayel, continue!"

Tomonori struggled with all his might to move forward, to save him. This had to be a nightmare! He could feel tears in his eyes—though he knew they would never fall. His heart was tearing itself to pieces for Tsukasa. He had to run! Had to save him! 'Tsukasa!'. Lafayel's clawed hand moved to one of the wings on Tsukasa's head. His eyes alight with a sinister enjoyment and mingled revulsion—likely at the fact that he had to touch the object of his disdain.

Another snap, another terrible soul rending scream. Another wing, broken. Another mental shout from Tomonori that again would never break from his throat, this one filled with curses against the person who could do this to Tsukasa. "Master…I could tear away his other wing, that would break him, oh master, could I?" Lafayel's eagerness made Tomonori feel violently sick to his stomach. 'Oh God…Tsukasa…'

"No!" Said the voice harshly, making Lafayel recoil "Let him keep his pathetic wings, without them we could not hurt him so…after all they're far more sensitive even than yours, Lafayel due to the unique structure…they will be a fitting torment, a fitting curse. Calm your lust for pain, save it for the humans." Lafayel gave a nod that could have been a bow "Understood." The creature unseen in the shadows made a movement, sending fabric rustling.

"You heard that, Israfel. You can make all this pain stop right now…if you just tell me…For the last time, TELL ME YOUR SECRET ISRAFEL!" Tsukasa was flung back as though by an invisible hand. He gasped, then screamed "Oh! No! Get out!…Get out of my head!" He shouted, struggling against his chains, pressing his hands to his temples, his head. His eyes rolled back into his head making him look almost possessed.

His voice was desperate. "It's not there! I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!" He screamed at his captors, tears gushing from his eyes. His wings, broken as they were, spread wide "GET OUT!" Tsukasa screamed. There was a hiss from the shadows, and a clattering noise as though the creature Azrael had been physically thrown back. Lafayel's head shot to the shadows. His eyes widened marginally before they narrowed to slits. "You worthless little bitch! How dare you!" He shouted "How dare you cast away Lord Azrael! I'LL KILL YOU!"

Tomonori tried to leap, to lunge as Lafayel's hands fastened around Tsukasa's throat. He wanted to give a shout of rage, of fear, of shock, but he was still captive to the spell that held him immobile and hostage.

Tsukasa's eyes went wide, bulging, he choked. His small hands fought the chains to free his throat, then suddenly a strange light filled his eyes, and he stopped struggling, his eyes filled with a frightening emotion as they stared into Lafayel's…and emotion of _contentment_….

"ENOUGH!" Azrael roared in the shadows. Lafayel was flung back without touch. His eyes widened, then he glared into the shadows. Tsukasa coughed weakly, sucking in air, sagging and pulling his chains taut above him. Lafayel glared at the shadows, his face filled with a rage that would have terrified anyone. "I've put up with his arrogant, saintly, prissy, stuck-up ways long enough! Let me kill him master! I beg you to let me kill him!" Tsukasa's face relaxed. A soft smile appeared on his face, relief. "Oh…please… Kill me…yes…please kill me…" He whispered, as though the words were delicious on his lips.

Tomonori trembled. This couldn't be Tsukasa…this couldn't be his friend so hopeless and so broken as to beg for death. 'what have I done? I must have let this happen somehow…Oh God…'

Azrael growled "Not NOW Lafayel. Remember your place you fool! This is high heaven! Behave like an angel, not a _demon_! No angel may ever spill the life's blood of another angel lest they be cast down under the burning sun, remember!" Lafayel stiffened, but lowered his head "Yes…as you say, master." He growled through bared teeth. "Good." Lafayel turned back to Tsukasa, hiding his face from the invisible angel in the shadows. "Because…" Azrael began slowly, allowing a hint of enjoyment to creep into his chilling voice, He lowered it to a silken, almost dangerously sweetened whisper, "The instant you let your bloodlust get the better of you…I'll cast you down to the blue planet and you will never rejoin my service _ever_…Your dust will mingle with the dust of humans, and you will be branded with the mark of the fallen, for all of our kind to see…do I make myself clear?" Lafayel's face paled, his wings gave the faintest trembling. "Yes, master." He mumbled. "Good." Azrael said silkily. "Continue our…interrogation, then." Tsukasa's face fell into fear and grief. "…N-no…please…!"

Tomonori struggled all the harder to get free, to tear Lafayel's cruel hands away from Tsukasa's delicate wings, but he was still bound by invisible strings, his voice sealed. He tried to close his eyes, and not look, but the vision of Tsukasa trembling in pain, exhaustion, weeping, seemed to emblazon itself through his very eyelids. He couldn't escape this! And he hated himself for wanting to. Tsukasa would still be in trouble even if he COULD escape! How could he ever even think of leaving! He had to save Tsukasa!

His powers were no aid, he couldn't even _feel_ them. They had been sealed away. He felt so useless, so terrible for letting this happen…

He saw Lafayel's hand tighten at the base of the remaining unbroken wing. Tsukasa sobbed wretchedly, "no…NO! Please! Don't! Stop! Please! Master! Please don't let him-just let him kill me! MASTER!" He screamed, fighting to get away from Lafayel, his chains rattling. Lafayel tightened his hold until Tsukasa was whimpering in pain, gasping for breath, falling to his knees, blood seeping from underneath the shackles, where the iron had cut into his flesh.

"Shut up, or you'll have three times the normal number of bones in your body." Lafayel hissed, his eyes narrowed in absolute hatred.

The unseen voice echoed out again. "This is the last chance I will give you. Tell me how you broke my hold on you, tell me why you allowed yourself to LOSE YOUR WING! Tell me why you were bested by a mere HUMAN!" Tsukasa's tearstreaked face lifted, he babbled desperately, "I've told you! Everything I know! He…He was a _demon!_ I-I've never seen such a strong evil aura! He was more powerful than anything and he was mindbreaked…and…I…I don't know! Please, kill me! Just let me die! I don't want to kill anything anymore! Oh…my chest…my chest is going to explode! I'm burning!…that girl…she's calling to me…she's crying…I can _feel_ it…Master!" His eyes suddenly filled with even greater dread, He lifted his hands desperately to the creature in the shadows. "Master! Master have mercy, I beg you! Make her stop!…Oh…Oh! What did you do to me! No…I didn't want to kill them! No! Stop it! I can feel you crying! STOP! PLEASE!" He screamed, clutching the sides of his head. Lafayel took a step back "You're mad! There's nobody here Israfel! There is no girl! Israfel!" He slapped Tsukasa's face. Tsukasa stopped screaming and trembled, whimpering. His eyes were hollow as he lifted them to Lafayel "Why…why is she doing this to me? Why won't she let me follow Lord Azrael! Master! Help me! Please! Make her stop!" he cried out pitifully, staring beseechingly at the shadows

Tomonori's skin crawled Girl? Crying? Could this be…'Kirihara!' Why would she be doing this to Tsukasa? Had he been kidnapped? Were these people holding him captive and was Kirihara trying to get him back? Then why did Tsukasa have three wings now instead of two? Was this…the past? TSUKASA'S PAST?

"SILENCE" Tsukasa's voice faded, down to a thin whimper sobbing with choked pain. "My wings…" He said, his eyes glazed with pain. "They're covered…covered in blood…oh…what have I done?"

"I DEMAND YOUR SILENCE! OBEY ME!"

Tsukasa shook his head, weeping. "I…I can't! I can't! I want to, but I can't! I don't know what's happened to me!" He cried out so brokenly that Tomonori was sure that he had to be trying with all of his soul to do what had been demanded of him. Lafayel's teeth were exposed in a viscous snarl of contempt. Tomonori looked at him in that instant and utterly hated him, for hurting Tsukasa, for looking down at him like that…

There was a feral snarl that would have put Lafayel's to shame. echoing in the shadows and another slap echoed out. Tsukasa flew back, swinging back and forth again. Lafayel had pulled his hand away from the other's wings and was now observing the sickening pendulum swinging on the taut chains. Slumped against his chains, blood flowing and staining his sleeves, his entire body wracked with agonized sobs… "Lafayel, stand away! Come! Rayyu! Heal this traitorous scum. I want him to be ready to try to tell me again tomorrow."

Tsukasa went rigid as a corpse, his eyes wide with terror, with horror. "No…No, please! Just take them away from me!" His whole body shook from his tears. His chains rattled as his tiny hands gestured entreatingly into the shadows. His sobs were so violent that he could barely make out Tsukasa's pleas. "I-I-I d-don't w-w-want wings c-c-covered in blood! Pl-Please M-Master! Have mercy! M-Mercy!" He shouted into the shadows. "Don't leave me with her! I can't watch her cry again! Those eyes…!" He was trembling violently "I'll go mad if you leave me here! Please!"

"You know why you killed those humans Israfel." Whispered Lafayel, his face contorted in disgust. His face curved into a purely evil smile that was all but an excuse to display teeth.

"You killed them because you are a heartless, cruel, murderous angel! There's nothing left in you but evilness, it's only your sick twisted little mind that lets you think that you're doing something good by resisting Master's commands! You spilled their worthless human blood because you ENJOYED it! You're a monster…and you're insane!"

"NOOO!" Tsukasa screamed in a desolate wail. Hands grasped his broken wings. "NO! Let me go! I didn't want to kill them! I never wanted to hurt anyone! Let me die! Cast me down to earth! Cut away my wings and make me one of the fallen angels! Cast me down for any sin you'd like! Anything! You could even say that I've fallen due to one of the daughters of men! If you must, let me die with the humans I've made suffer! Cut off ALL my wings! ANYTHING, but please, have mercy! Let me go! Oh please let me go! Please! No! Let me go! Master! MASTER!" His chains rattled with his frenzied struggles as he wept hysterically, bloody wings staining his already torn robes. He tried to run forward to throw himself at the hidden figure's feet, but was cast back by the chains. His hands outstretched "Master! Oh please Master! Don't leave me here with her!"

"How DARE you call me that…! Worthless worm! …Rayyu, let him suffer, you can heal him _tomorrow_…for now let him ROT in his pain and self pity and DISGUSTING self praise…You fool, Israfel, you fool. None can resist and live. You'll die soon enough for your treason…you'll get your wish." There was a sudden harsh rasp of laughter, a brief cold chuckle that was entirely humorless "And with your dying breath, your corpse will be displayed before the regiment and we will kill humans under a banner of war for what they have dared to do to an archangel, daring to tear away his wings and torture him so severely…Ah, you think you've won by defying me now…you are so loved for your _kindness_ you pathetic former servant of mine, you could have been my greatest, you could have ruled heaven at my side! Your followers will easily forget their own kindness once they see your body!…Even when you are dead and cast outside the ship to your grave, others will kill in your name! You dare ask me for mercy? I show you mercy now! You will be dead for the worst of your punishment! Be grateful that I allow you to take your death so sweetly!" The voice bore no trace of pity, a cold lethal enjoyment in the chilling words.

Maliciousness crept through Azrael's aura, through his words as Tsukasa begged all the louder and Lafayel moved back, staring with disgust at him. He suddenly grabbed Tsukasa's throat as though he could stand him no longer. The tortured, deformed angel's eyes widened, gasping pitifully for breath. Lafayel moved his sneering face close so he could whisper angrily to the choking boy.

"You could never be a saint, so stop trying to be one…wretch. At least die with some shred of your glory intact! Die in battle!" Tsukasa's hands, bloodied with struggle, reached out, grabbing a fistful of Lafayel's robes in each hand. Lafayel's eyes bulged as he let go of Tsukasa's throat in shock. Tsukasa gasped for breath, fresh tears coursing down his cheeks "Oh Lafayel…Lafayel, please…let me die! I can't live like this…I can _feel_ her…as though her heart beats with mine! I can see their bodies! Please…end my suffering…have mercy on me, oh Lafayel…please! I beg you!" Tomonori stared, unbelieving all that he was seeing. This was such a strange dream…too real…too vivid!

Tsukasa went on in a frenzied desperate babble "Just let me stop suffering, let me repay those innocent children! Let me repay, please! If master won't have pity on me…will you?…please?…kill… me…? Just tighten this hand around my throat? Let me die?" His eyes were beseeching, filled with almost insane desperation. His hand suddenly took Lafayel's and placed it at his throat. The other angel was pale, his hand faintly trembled. Lafayel's eyelids closed, then his face contorted, and he shuddered. He took his hand away from Tsukasa's throat, it was shaking violently now, and his whole face had suddenly paled more starkly. He swallowed and spoke, his hand was still trembling as he seemed to try to wipe it clean on his robes, scrubbing at it jerkily. "You'll die…" His voice wavered, trembling with an emotion that could have been rage, or horror, or fear, "You'll die soon enough…" His voice was quieter, a flash of emotion crossed his face, was it… disgust? horror?…pity? It fled in a bare instant, too quickly to read accurately, replaced by rage " You'll DIE,TRAITOR. Your filthy hands defile with their sins and wickedness…release me!" He pulled his robes free, expression filled with haughty, disdainful disgust. "Unlike YOU I follow my master's orders. How dare you ask me for mercy! You'll die when he tells you to! At least follow his orders that once! Leave me alone! Don't pull me into this mad suicide of yours! Let me go!" He said, with a look of sudden terror and anger, he backed away fearfully "You're mad…You're insane! L-l-leave me out of this!" He managed to spit at Tsukasa's feet to show disdain, but instead he looked terrified. He quickly disappeared into the shadows, almost fleeing.

Tsukasa's chains held him back as he cried out wordlessly in anguish, fingers stretching to reach the door. "Forgive me master! Please!"

"Never." Came the hollow response—another voice, neither the twisted 'master' Azrael, or Lafayel. This voice was saddened, and shaken. "He'll never forgive…Oh Israfel!…You have fallen…I couldn't believe it, I wouldn't believe it…but now I see it…Dear Israfel you've gone mad!" Tsukasa's eyes filled with tears at this more than anything else "No…" he whispered. There was a worse more terrified pleading in him now. "N-No Rayyu! RAYYU! Rayyu please! Please! You can't leave me! Please! Don't leave me here!" There was only a sad sounding sigh, and the shutting of a door. "No…" Tsukasa whispered, clutching his wings. "No…" He whimpered.

"NOOOO!" he screamed.

The chains from the ceiling loosened. He ran from the pedestal, stumbling and tearing the hem of his robes. He ran to the door, and flung himself at it. It was locked, he hammered it with his fists "Let me go! Please! Master! Rayyu! Lafayel! ANYBODY! Dubbiel! Lord Michael! Hadarniel! Jophiel! _Gabriel_! Somebody please! Have mercy! Oh God, please let me die or let me go! Please don't leave me here! Don't leave me here!" He gradually stopped pounding, and collapsed. "No…No, please stop! Please! I'm sorry! I didn't want to hurt you so! Oh please…Please little girl….forgive me…oh God please forgive me!" He broke down into more hysteric sobs, his chains making dull clinking noises over the floor. "I WANT TO DIE!" He screamed, pulling his hands over his ears as though to shut out the voice.

Tomonori felt himself being pulled down the hall as though the floor was moving under him, the room streaming light. His legs felt encased in lead as he tried to take steps back in and save Tsukasa, the angel breaking down into wretched broken sobs once again, his broken wings twitching weakly to try to hide him. "Oh God of all Heaven, have mercy! Take this life from me!" He screamed the plea as he held his bleeding hands up to the ceiling. "Ts…" Tomonori whispered almost inaudibly, now no longer in the room. "Tsu…ka…sa…" He whispered with effort, straining to move forward and shield Tsukasa. To protect him. 'I won't leave you! I'll stay here with you! I can help you! Oh Tsukasa!' But he was moving back far too fast. The doors were slamming all around him in a deafening noise.

He could hear the screams of agony from each door as it did so, adding to the din. He lifted arms encased in cement to block out the sound, but it was just as hard as moving forward to get back to Tsukasa. It seemed to become easier to run with each step he made, but the floor was spinning backwards so hard now, that he was still moving backwards even as he ran with all his strength. His footsteps gained in speed, until he was running flat out in a sprint, top speed, trying to gain some distance with this moving floor.

"TSUKASA!" He shouted, hoping to somehow reassure him, even as he found it becoming impossible to reach him. Tsukasa's screams and wails echoed down the halls, mingling with the shouts and cries from the empty doorways… "Have mercy!" The angel cried "Oh please! Please have mercy!" he pleaded amidst the screams. The other cries and wails almost seemed to mock and mimic him "Mercy! Mercy!" they cried. "MURDERER!" Cried others. Tomonori ran faster, trying vainly to gain some forward motion to get to that ever fading door where Tsukasa was.

Doors screamed, drowning him out, blinding him with their own bright lights from within..

He tripped, fell, and the floor lurched backwards, spinning past doors so fast they were blurs of light and deafening horrifying sounds. "Help me!" Tsukasa's voice screamed

He was reaching the other end of the hall! There was fire, and the screams were all the worse over here…

…burning…the demons dancing in the fires…

He scrambled to escape, even as the floor ended and he found himself flying through the air, towards the burning house he had seen in so many nightmares before…

He pulled himself into a ball, squeezing his eyes shut tight, bracing himself.

Heat flashed even from that distance over his skin.

He heard a scream he recognized. TSUKASA!

He could feel Tsukasa trapped within that house, screaming as he had been in that room...chained within that burning place of terror and madness…dying…

And with that, he himself, cried out as the flames roared up to meet him body whipping around sickeningly in the air…

Falling…falling to earth a burning hopeless wreak…

Falling…

Suddenly there was no house, no fire, only an empty street and the thunder of rain…and it was coming closer and closer and closer AND…

-o-O-o-

He looked over the table and he wondered what on earth he had been thinking. The nightmare that had so driven away any hope of sleep he might have had, only made him edgy now. It had seemed so clear. That some of the things in Tsukasa's past, like the first of his scars actually made sense. But now the moment of lucidity had only brought forth more questions that he could not answer He was running on the edge of exhaustion, the only thing that was keeping him awake was caffeine and adrenaline born of fear. He KNEW he had heard of Azrael somewhere. He KNEW that he had never dreamt such a thing about Tsukasa before…him in battle, yes. Him losing in battle, yes. Him dying in battle, yes. Each exquisitely painful in its own right, with a million dying beautiful angel martyrs of their own… But the battles had all been more…earthly…not this ethereal torture scene…and those names…some seemed familiar…some seemed strange…but they certainly weren't his making, that much he was sure of.

Something strange was going on, something that Tomonori couldn't explain.

He moved his hands dreamily to try to put away the cluttered papers and books he had been using to research the name he had half recognized. Tsukasa's small hands stopped him though. He was too tired to fight back against the hands that clasped his wrists, only noticing through his disfocused haze that Tsukasa's hands were uncommonly smooth on the palms…like they had been burned that way…which was entirely likely knowing his powers…but had Tsukasa even used his powers recently? Had he battled? Was he alright? Tomonori's worry awoke even in his groggy, cramped, more impatient brain. It was enough to at least wake him up nominally.

"No." Tsukasa said firmly, pushing his hands away "You shouldn't do anything else…oh Tomonori-san, did you get ANY sleep last night?" His tone was incredulous. His eyes looked even bigger than normal. 'And no wonder…he probably thinks I've lost my mind.' Tomonori thought to himself with grim and tired amusement. His eyes ached from lack of sleep, his body felt as though his bones had turned to lead. But… any sleep last night…an answer…he needed to answer…

Tsukasa's screams over his broken wings, his pleas of 'have mercy master!' echoed in his mind. His body gave a shudder so strong he couldn't even try to hold it back. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so powerless and ill at the content of his dreams. He felt sick just remembering it. Remembering that exquisitely beautiful creature being hurt like that, and him being unable to stop and do anything but watch and silently rage…

"A little." He murmured, trying to remain honest and not worry Tsukasa. He HAD gotten a little sleep, restless and disturbing though it had been. Tsukasa's eyes were still wide, astonished, even shocked to find him here, all through the night he must have stayed awake without even knowing it…who knew when he had woken up from the dream—the gray of dawn hadn't even touched the sky when he had run home to see if Tsukasa was safe.

The sight of the young boy sleeping peacefully, mumbling softly into Tomonori's pillow had let him relax for a single exquisite moment…A strange moment of longing to curl up beside the boy…then his reason and curiosity and worry had awoken and called him to this place until now.…

He massaged his forehead, pinching the bridge of his nose where a slightly dizzy halfhearted headache was starting. 'Can I tell him what I dreamed? Will he be scared, shocked? What If I'm developing powers I didn't know about, and I accidentally reached out into something private in his mind? What will he think of me then?'

Each faction had it's own special areas of expertise…EGO for instance, was better at controlling things in the mind—many mindbreakers had once belonged to EGO. Tomonori's own faction, WIZ-DOM was known more for it's ability to sense minute inflections in a psychic's aura, though Tomonori himself had never seemed to develop much of this talent at all. It had depressed him at first. But there had been others in the orphanage who had been exceptionally gifted in those areas, and none of them had lived as long as he had…

Nonetheless, he was still past due for some of his adult powers to awaken. He had greater results for his little power, but he still had comparatively little power compared to more normal WIZ-DOM members. He'd thought that he was simply born of weaker stock, and therefore wouldn't reap the benefits of being full blooded WIZ-DOM…Technically only his father, the missionary, was WIZ-DOM. His mother had been a normal human from what he could remember…at least his reasoning was: if she had been a psychic, she wouldn't have…died…so quickly… But it was possible that perhaps he was tapping into some powers he did not know of before this…perhaps _this_ was what it was like to read auras so deeply like most of his faction had been able to do all their lives? Maybe the reason why this was so shocking was because of the suddenness of the power's awakening? Perhaps Kirihara had awakened it unconsciously…or…He swallowed, controlling his expression.

Perhaps _Tsukasa_ had awakened it…That strange bubbling heat in his chest…

He felt again that faint weight in his arms. The feeling of wanting to give something…but what? 'To give…what is it that I wanted to give?'

A voice snapped him back to his senses. "Tomonori-san, you can't go to school like this, you're barely awake." Tsukasa's voice was soft, his eyes huge and concerned, still shocked at why Tomonori might do this to himself. The man avoided looking into the hypnotic orbs. There was a sudden flash of memory, as scream. Tomonori fought the urge to shudder.

He sighed to himself. Maybe he was barely awake, but the residual caffeine alone wouldn't give him very good sleep…'I don't want to embarrass him' There was a sudden warmth at his shoulders as he completed this thought. His stomach clenched suddenly. He controlled his urge to stiffen, and his urge to blush. He looked with aching eyes at the boy beside him. His heart softened, at the look of concern on his gentle beautiful face. Such open goodwill and kindness… Tomonori was amazed at the calmness he felt as he spoke back. "No, I have a test today…I have to be there." He smiled sadly at that. He really DID need to be there. If he missed too much school, he could lose his job, and since he was the only income in their little 'family' he had to keep his job to care for Tsukasa. 'Dear Tsukasa…' He felt his hand shift to touch one of the two Tsukasa had on his shoulders. 'thank you…'

He was less surprised at his own boldness as he was at Tsukasa's reaction, blushing and pulling away. Tomonori blinked 'that was interesting…did I do something wrong? Hmm…maybe I was right, maybe he really doesn't feel as deeply as he thinks he does…' Strangely enough, something seemed to sink in him at that thought…but it should have been a good thing, right? He wouldn't have to worry about these inappropriate things happening any longer…

So why did this make him feel so upset? He hoped it was just the lack of sleep, his foggy brain, his aching eyes and limbs, the dreamy sort of incoherence his mind had turned into.

There was a frustrated sigh "But Tomonori-san-"

Tomonori interrupted him, feeling his own temper flash beneath the surface. 'Hmph. He really wants me to stay home…' He had a sudden very strange vision of Tsukasa in a nurse's costume. He swallowed hard, suddenly uncomfortably and fully awake. 'Where the HELL did that come from!' he thought to himself alarmedly. His mental word choice only alarmed him even more. 'I have to end this quickly, before these feelings start to affect what I let him do.' He was thinking not only of his desire to go to sleep, but also of the strange tingling he felt in the pit of his stomach at the boy's touch and concern…

"I'm going, Tsukasa." His eyes narrowed. 'I have to at least let him know that I'm serious…but…' His attempted glare softened. 'I can't let him misunderstand and think I'm angry…oh this has become so complicated…' He was nervous now. What if he hadn't softened the glare in time? What if he'd upset Tsukasa by his mask's groggy dulling of it's compliance to his needs?

Tsukasa's eyes were still wide, worried, concerned. Tomonori almost smiled. Tsukasa was trying to take care of him…it was touching. He didn't even know what had happened, and he was trying to help. 'He's very sweet…' he thought to himself fondly.

He realized the warm feelings these thoughts brought him, and he forced them back to sharpness and discipline '…but that doesn't give me the privilege to ignore everything I know is right and feel this way for him. I've got to keep better control over myself! Wanting to help him is one thing, worrying for him is another, but I MUST not let myself feel like this. It's wrong! I can't do this! I can't let him feel this way!'

He noticed that Tsukasa's cheeks were faintly flushed. He internally sighed. 'what am I doing to _him _right now?' He wondered. 'Maybe that's why he drew away, I've been telling him it's wrong, and then I suddenly seem to break down like that and show inappropriate affection? He must assume that I don't mean it…it must hurt him all the more when I do that to him…when I lie and say it means nothing, but do it anyway…'

"But…you're so tired…" Tsukasa whispered. He looked almost as though he himself were in pain. Tomonori's chest gave an ache. 'My dear Tsukasa, if only you weren't so empathetic to me…I don't deserve your care…and you certainly don't deserve to suffer because of my mistakes.' Tomonori thought to himself sadly. "I'll be fine Tsukasa."

Of course he would. He would MAKE himself alright if it would make Tsukasa stop worrying for him with such a painful expression…he didn't like it when Tsukasa worried

He saw the boy swallow, and suddenly look at his hands as though ashamed. He felt a bit of relief watching him. 'Thank you for not trying to argue with me…I don't want to hurt you by disagreeing…if it would make you happy, I _would_ stay home, but I just can't. Even for your sake. Too much else depends on today for me to give it up to you. And it's your senior year…you mustn't miss school to care for me, you need that day of classes.'

Tomonori mentally thought all of this to Tsukasa as though he could somehow read it, as thought Tsukasa could somehow receive it—But he would never say it… To say it would be to admit that he loved him, and to admit that would be the end of them both. It would ruin Tsukasa to be put in such a socially unacceptable relationship, and it would ruin Tomonori, his title as a preist, as a member of wiz-dom…fraternizing—if that was the proper word he could use—with the enemy…an eraser. It might not only mean his disgrace, but Tsukasa's death. 'We can't.' he thought to himself, as though to remind him to distance himself.

Tsukasa's cheeks darkened once more. Tomonori wondered to himself in curiosity. 'What is he thinking about?' Could he dare presume to be the cause of that blush. His heart twisted as Tsukasa's face suddenly and silently became pained, hurt. It was this—as much as it hurt him to admit it—that convinced him that Tsukasa was indeed thinking about him.

…Something beautiful and awe-inspiring followed by a look of having been crushed, having his heart broken. It could only be what he had done. Tomonori felt upset just thinking about it. Guilty even…even though for all he knew he had done the right and the necessary thing… 'I wish I could apologize to you…but I can't…even _I_ would break down and turn it into a confession. I'm sorry Tsukasa, but it has to be this way. If you can look at me with that hurt, it at least means that you are safe, protected from me…I'd spoil you…don't you understand that? This would ruin us both!' Why did he keep on justifying his hurting the boy…he had to wonder? He felt a stab of guilt, of remorse, but he didn't let it show.

Tsukasa's eyes lifted, too open and innocent to hide his unhappiness. "But Tomonori-san…" He murmured, trailing off, his gentle fingers touching a shoulder, then drawing back as though he realized he was treading over a line. Tomonori let out a long sigh. His shoulder tingled where Tsukasa had touched it, he forced his face to remain calm since otherwise he was sure he would have started to blush. 'how can I convince you that I'm not worth this? That I'm not worth you? I can't can I? Because you love me, I can't convince you not to do it…how could you be so blind, Tsukasa?' For a horrible sickening moment, Tsukasa's face filled with distress, and Tomonori panicked. Had he said that out loud! No…it must be unrelated. He hadn't said it…he was safe… He felt his lips tug into a bit of a smile. He was relieved once again. He could barely remember what he had said and what he hadn't said sometimes. 'don't let me make you upset…' He wasn't sure what that thought was. Just another unsaid request? A reminder to himself? A prayer? He didn't know.

"Tsukasa, I don't call in sick days just because I stayed up all night doing something…" He paused. How to say what he was doing? What he was looking for? Evidence that Azrael couldn't possibly have any relation to the perfect, beautiful, white winged creature he so adored…?

"…Something rather stupid now that I think about it." His lips curved into a wry smile. He could only hope that it was stupid, that it was meaningless that there was no chance at all that Tsukasa could know this 'Azrael' or…

He tensed behind the mask of amusement. Or dare to call that being who was willing to torment him so cruelly, the same word he had used on Kirihara. _Master_. 'I hope for your sake you haven't been mindbreaked so viscously…my precious angel…I hope you've never been hurt so badly…'

If he had though… He swallowed. If Tsukasa had been mindbreaked to that vile creature…his young charge could very well have lost his mind, or at least some of the sense to make good choices…and…maybe…that was why Tsukasa felt for him so…strongly…

But that would be a good thing right? If Tsukasa really was very normal, if he could be cured of this horrible happening in his past…if he could find someone who would truly make him happy…that would be good wouldn't it? He would be happy…

'But…I love him…'

That was why he hoped he was wrong…because he so selfishly wanted what he could not have. Because his mental explanation to Tsukasa of why they couldn't do something like this, was just as much a shout to himself to stop thinking about it, that it would be worse than suicide to tell Tsukasa the truth, that it might mean the boy's death! And some horrible part of him didn't care…just _wanted_ and _needed_…and in his mind only lust could produce tears of frustration. Love wouldn't behave like this. He couldn't possibly love Tsukasa. He knew to his very bones that he wasn't good enough, and therefore it wouldn't work. He had to know better. 'I can't do this to him! I can see it so clearly now…it wouldn't be _him_ who leads us to ruin, it would be me…because I would acknowledge what he's doing…because I would…want him to love me, and would love him in return…if I ever could at least. I would be the one who would ruin us…not him…'

"I'll deal with the consequences. Don't worry about me." He said out loud to Tsukasa.

'Yes…I'll have to deal with these consequences or we'll both suffer. And if you worry about me…it only makes me want to stop you from worrying about me. It makes me want to give in, if only because I don't want to see you so unhappy every time I have to reject you and lie, and say that you are only a son to me. Please stop worrying…please…make this easy for me…' But he knew it would never be easy…

"But…But, Tomonori-san…" Tsukasa whispered.

Tomonori's chest was filled with an aching warmth, touched by Tsukasa's care for him, grieved by how he would have to be sharp to him, how he would have to disagree with him. 'I'm arguing _against_ him after all!' he snapped at himself. 'of course I need to disagree. If I don't, He'll make me stay home and…I just need to get away from him for now.' He looked up at Tsukasa, he felt a little less drowsy now, just more weary than anything else. "I _have_ to go." He said firmly to the boy. 'I can't stay here now, if I'm in the house with you alone I…I don't know what I might do to hurt you…I don't want to hurt you anymore, not like this. That dream…it showed me this if nothing else, I can't see you in pain and not feel this way…and I _can't_ feel this way for you…' He quickly thought to himself about what he had to do at school today.

If he had been anyone else his eyes might have widened 'oh, wonderful. I sure picked a good day to pull an all-nighter…' he thought to himself bitterly. "My fifth period class has test reviews going on, and my sixth and seventh have the test itself." He almost winced at how his voice had sharpened. He sounded almost annoyed…and that wasn't how he meant to sound at all! He lifted his eyes to Tsukasa's and felt them soften. His head ached with tiredness, his body was weary, but he almost smiled, looking at Tsukasa. "I _have_ to be there today, Tsukasa." He said more softly. 'please understand me…I would love to stay home and have you care for me, but that's part of the reason why I have to go…I would like it for the wrong reasons, and I could never let you understand that.'

The boy sighed, his delicate eyebrows crinkling into an expression of concern and worry once again. Tomonori could see the gentle care that was the boy's intent just in how he sat, how his hand raised to touch him, but stopped. Tomonori's chest filled with warmth and sympathy. 'Oh, poor Tsukasa, he's trying not to show how he feels, but it's just so obvious now…I can't believe I never saw it before…' Once again, he felt guilty. He wished he didn't make Tsukasa hide what he felt like this…he felt so…connected to him now…like they had a sort of intimate bond of some kind, even though he had pushed away Tsukasa's feelings. It felt…_right_ when they were together, but it…_wasn't_!

Tsukasa looked upset "But what if you fall asleep?" Tomonori sighed to himself, fighting the urge to laugh 'He just won't give up on me, I wonder what he has planned this time…' Tomonori grinned to himself behind his impassive mask. 'I wonder if I'll get another moment of accidental eagerness followed by a shocked 'ouch'…' Was his grimly amused thought to himself. He became serious almost at once. 'I don't _actually_ want him to do that though! If I woke up and found him doing something, I would have to push him away again, and I can't hurt him like that! I won't do it!' He almost grimaced. 'But I'd have to…' He had an instant solution to Tsukasa's problem though he had none that would work for his own… "The teacher's lounge always has coffee, I can make it through the day" 'yes…the day will be easy compared to the night…' he thought to himself grimly. 'I can't let him catch me unaware. I can't tempt him to do something, because…he has the power to…' He stopped. He couldn't be a temptation to Tsukasa. Yes, HIM! A temptation! He nearly laughed out loud at the absurdity of it all. 'to think he'll push so hard to try to win such an unappealing prize…' He nearly blushed again. 'I can only hope he _doesn't_ push so hard…I can't watch him all the time…' That wasn't all he had to worry about either…if he awoke in such a state, his grogginess could make it hard for him to control himself…and…while he was asleep…he might murmur…he might slip…he might say something…act a certain way…lead Tsukasa to the truth!

He couldn't even say it to himself that Tsukasa might slip behind the mask.

After all…that was what he'd been afraid, no, _terrified_ of from the very beginning of all of this… That was the danger of all of this. Tsukasa certainly seemed to like him well enough now, but he didn't know how Tomonori was like behind this mask…did he? What if… Tomonori curled his toes under the table, unseen. It was less obvious than clenching his hands into fists, and it also managed to give him a way to keep in touch with emotional gestures and keep at least a bit of expression to himself—He just had figured out ways to do it that nobody would notice. The question remained in his mind.

'What if he doesn't like who I really am now?' It was captivating, horrifying, a revelation to him. That was another reason it was so tempting to keep hiding behind his carefully controlled facial expressions. Tsukasa felt so strongly now…maybe he preferred the mask to the person who hid behind it. The mask wouldn't protect him from Tsukasa's feelings…and even if he decided to come out from behind the mask and respond in kind, he had the nagging fear that Tsukasa would be gone suddenly, and he would be left alone with his inappropriate feelings. That the eraser would flutter away as suddenly as a sparrow once he swallowed those crumbs of adoration from Tomonori, leaving him empty as Tsukasa flew away to devour more people's affections...

He couldn't help thinking of the horrible idea that Tsukasa might be doing this as a joke or something…and if he were to respond…that he might be frightened, alarmed…

The boy suddenly shook his head, sending his malt colored hair flying. "But Tomonori-san—!" He had such an earnest look of caring to his face. His large eyes wide with worry and anguished affection so deep that it was just on the brink of distress. You couldn't find a single selfish thought in the whole of Tsukasa's open and unguarded face. Though there was guilt... Tomonori felt himself smile. He felt himself relaxing.

Tsukasa couldn't possibly hate him, Tsukasa couldn't even hate his enemies properly. No…even if Tomonori were to treat him unfairly Tsukasa would remain loyally caring. Tsukasa would stay with him…forever it seemed… It was one of his many wonderful personality traits…

He would stay forever…no…he wouldn't…he would leave! He would have to leave once school was over for him…So what would this love ever bring forth besides hardship? If he would just have to leave anyway…

But that sweet boy…Tsukasa…

"Tsukasa…do you _really_ think you're going to get me to stay home?" He asked the boy gently. He was unexpectedly amused now. 'Oh dear…I'm mood-swinging…I must really be tired…I hope this day gets through with fast enough…'

The boy's pale face suddenly was stained with crimson, he bit his lower lip, blinking. His bangs fell over one of his eyes, he blinked his golden eyelashes free, glanced up at Tomonori, and blushed even deeper, looking at the table again. Tomonori's heart softened 'oh dear, he's taking that so literally too…I didn't mean to fluster him…' Tsukasa's huge quicksilver eyes closed. He looked almost ashamed and penitent. "No…not really…" He said quietly. He sounded so humbled and embarrassed… Tomonori looked at him with a look he hoped would ask him why he looked so sad, but Tsukasa took one glance at him, then blushed even deeper and looked all the more ashamed. He hesitantly met his eyes again. He bit his small lower lip. "But really…Tomonori-san…You shouldn't push yourself so hard…" He looked up at him "You're only human…"

Tomonori felt all the blood drain from his face and his belly suddenly twist painfully. He barely heard Tsukasa ask "Is that the saying?" with such innocence, the rush of blood in his ears was deafening him with horrible numbness…

Only human…

Tsukasa couldn't possibly know what hearing those words coming from his mouth did to Tomonori inside. He'd been telling himself all along that he wouldn't be good enough, but hearing it from Tsukasa's lips…It was numbingly painful. 'Yes…only human…of course…' There was a faint echo of anguish, of unhappiness in his chest, a sudden moment of hopelessness. Only human. ONLY. Not enough. Never enough! INFERIOR! WEAK!

How could he ever think to protect this creature?

'If I could change what I was born as, I would do it! But…I can't…I know I'm inferior and could never compare to you…but I never would have thought…you would tell me so….' Pain filled his chest, a numbing cold void like he had been doused in ice, shock.

He had always believed that Tsukasa could look over his flaws the way nobody else seemed to be able to…for some reason, he had…hoped? Hoped for what! He WAS only human, nothing could change that!

So why did this hurt so much? Because he'd blinded himself into believing that Tsukasa would never say it?

'I guess I'm just too much to look over…' He thought to himself gloomily.

Tsukasa's face suddenly slid into a mask of shock, he paled a dreadful white, his eyes almost consuming the rest of his face with how big they became, suddenly horrified. Tomonori's face had barely managed to register this, and fill with concern…he was about to ask if something was wrong, and try not to be so gloomy when he said it. But Tsukasa spoke first, in a strangely high voice, stammering. "I-I mean! Uh…You have limitations and…" Tomonori felt his face stiffen into the mask that wouldn't let Tsukasa know what these words were doing to him…Human. Limitations….'Stop! Stop this Tsukasa! Please!' He was begging for mercy so he could hold onto the tatters of a dream, a dream that had never been reality from the beginning.

Limitations…differences…inferiority…

But he could still feel that trembling form in his arms the night before, crying over atrophied wings that would never carry him again, and he had felt such compassion for him! He KNEW he could never understand it, but he hadn't thought he would need to, that somehow, he could still offer some sort of comfort when the boy hurt like this…

But he was only human. He reflected with bitterness. He wasn't enough even to try to protect him…

"And…oh NO!" Tsukasa made a distressed sound that made Tomonori's eyes jerk back to him, concerned, even surprised. It was a wavering cry of horror, of unhappiness "That's not what I mean Tomonori-san!" He exclaimed, looking stricken. His hand clasping his temples, looking more distressed than ever. Tomonori felt something slosh into his stomach, his chest warmed again. 'he…doesn't think I'm not good enough…that I'm inferior?' He pulled his face back into the mask again before he began to blush, or gave a look that might give away what he was feeling. 'He doesn't mind?' then suddenly 'wait…he could tell that that was what I was thinking?' "No…it's alright." He said quietly, trying not to become bewildered as his initial relief wore off. Had Tsukasa…seen what he was thinking, had his mask slipped even for only a moment? 'No! This cannot happen! I mustn't let this happen to us! But…Oh Tsukasa…thank you for this mercy…thank you for your blessed kindness…thank you…' His heart was filled with warmth.

A rose, a white rose… They were symbolic flowers, roses. Different colors for different types of love, and a white rose was pure. Pure unblemished, perfect, like the young angel was… It would never be his place to pick such a rose…he knew if he picked it, it would only be all the harder to protect that precious rose, to keep it safe from corruption, to keep it hidden away in his arms, and never drop it on the ground and let it bruise or become trampled by others. He would be so…inadequate… 'the corruption…of such a rose…' He fought the urge to shiver. 'it is a sin…a sin, I MUSTN'T pull him with me into sin…'

Mustn't taint the rose a dreadful crimson…mustn't taint the purity with a staining love…

The fate he had resigned himself to was worse than taking the rose. He had resigned himself to caring for the gentle blossom more than anything else, and so his heart would break when it was taken away and picked and given to someone else to protect, to cherish, to care for…

Giving away the rose to someone else who would cause the petals to flush red…

Realizing that his thoughts were becoming what he considered to be dangerously sensuous, Tomonori pulled his mind from them and focused more on what had just happened.

Though the scent of rose petals and the image of a blush spreading over Tsukasa's cheeks as a rose flushed red in his hands…those lingered….

He ordered his thoughts.

He couldn't explain the elation he felt at knowing that Tsukasa didn't consider him to be inferior after that single scare…that Tsukasa still cared for him, even if he was 'only human'

Poor Tsukasa's face was a picture of absolute wretched apology. Tomonori's insides twisted and gave a sharp pang at seeing the unhappiness and tension in his form at what he _knew_ had upset Tomonori. His heart instantly went out to the boy. "You mustn't worry about it Tsukasa…" He said in what he hoped was a reassuring voice. It upset him to see the boy so worked up over a simple misunderstanding like this. 'does he truly not know me so well that he thinks I might become angry about something like this?'

Tsukasa's skin was still white, and his eyes were still large, he bit his trembling lips and asked shakily "A-Are you sure? I really didn't mean to—" Tomonori gave a genuine smile. 'oh poor boy…' "Yes, it's fine…don't worry about it" He meant it too. He understood that Tsukasa hadn't meant to imply that he was inferior…which was kind of him, even if the first remark had been completely honest and true anyway… He understood the boy's blessed mercy on him…he couldn't help but thank him for it…

Tsukasa relaxed, color returning to his face gradually/ He looked utterly relieved for whatever reason. "Ohhh…thank you…because I really didn't…um…you know!" He finished, looking flustered. Tomonori felt his smile growing, but he pulled it back down again. "I know." He said back reassuringly. 'poor sweet Tsukasa, I didn't mean to upset you that much, I really hope you believe me. Please don't worry…' He thought in a strange burst of affection for the eraser.

'Please…don't worry anymore…'

He could see the faint motion in Tsukasa's mostly concealed white throat as he gulped. He felt a sudden curious desire to press his fingertips to the boy's throat and feel the vibrations of his voice, to feel the motion as he spoke or shifted nervously. It was followed by a longing to kiss the pale throat, and hear Tsukasa's breathing quicken beneath his lips... The moment passed as he pulled his emotions back under control, embarrassed. "Tomonori-san…What was so important that you didn't go to sleep...?" Tsukasa asked softly. Tomonori forced himself not to look at the boy.. He couldn't bear to see the gentle face before him warp into the nightmare's tortured doppelganger. Tsukasa was silent. Tomonori could feel the slight jerk of the table as Tsukasa waved his feet back and forth underneath it. His dazed, sleep deprived mind was wandering. How could he explain this? How could he explain that he might have accidentally opened something private in Tsukasa's mind? What could DO that anyway in the first place? He had been thinking about Tsukasa a great deal before he had fallen asleep in the church, but that should have never been enough to pull him back to snoop through Tsukasa's mind, especially considering how far away he had been from the boy at the time of their coincidental slumber…something strange was going on.

'stop it! Think, Tomonori! What was so important that you pulled an all nighter? Answer him!"

"I…had a very strange nightmare…that's all" He nearly shuddered. How could that EVER be all with what his nightmare had been about? His eyes focused on the chipped mug that held half a cub of cold coffee. How many times would he have to fill that today because of this? 'Oh God let me not fall asleep in the middle of my classes…' He prayed in a mental groan.

There was a sudden warmth on his shoulder again. A flash of heat spread down his shoulder into his chest and blossomed there. It was as though the warmth spread through his veins. His vision cleared after a moment. Tsukasa's hand suddenly dropped away, and his face was suddenly spread with a blush.

Tomonori pretended not to look at the shy boy. 'Did he…just heal something in me?' some of his tension had gone away, and he felt suddenly a bit more peaceful, a bit more ready for the day… 'did I just tap into his healing powers?' He curled his toes under the table, going rigid. 'What's going on! Does he know I just accidentally stole some of his power?' Apparently not as the boy was still chewing on his lip in a most distracting fashion. "I-I should make you something to eat." He mumbled, blushing. Tomonori shook his head softly as he began to pick up the clutter on the table "Don't, I'm not hungry…but thank you." No he wasn't hungry at all…if he was hungry he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about Tsukasa chewing on his lip like that…damn, that was hard to ignore!

Tomonori frowned distractedly at the table as he quickly cleared away some of the books and scraps of paper, hastily stacking them on the stool he usually kept for papers. 'What could have happened that would do this? What's going on here? There has to be some kind of explanation! No person has ever been able to access energies of one outside of their own faction except in extremely rare cases! …what could possibly be doing this!' He carefully stacked a dictionary of angels on the floor—it wouldn't do for Tsukasa to see that now. "Tomonori-san…" Tomonori paused looking up and meeting Tsukasa's eyes. Tsukasa flushed suddenly, He pulled his hands up to his temples and shyly met Tomonori's gaze square in the eyes. 'forgive me for accidentally stealing your energy, I just wish I knew how I did it!' He projected to the boy "Are…Are you sure you're going to be alright?" He asked softly. Tomonori blinked. His eyes flickered to the mess on the table. 'If I can find out who this creature is that haunts the one I care for, then yes. Sleep will return.' He didn't say that of course. "Yes Tsukasa, I'll be alright." He sighed softly, lifting his eyes again. The boy looked suddenly pale. His smile trembled on his lips "Oh...o-okay. " He gulped nervously "E-Excuse me" He seemed to suddenly flee from the room.

Tomonori blinked, surprised. 'what was that? Did he just remember something? Maybe some homework?' He couldn't think for the life of him what might have caused such a reaction in the boy…

'it's probably nothing…' he reassured himself, sweeping things off the table. 'nothing to worry about…nothing at all…'

He wasn't very convinced.

-o-O-o-End of part eight-o-O-o-

(really this time…)

And now, Time for yet another mind warping end of chapter parody, full of all things suggestive and rather innapropriate…all the good things that fangirls endure my angst to see!

_Where we last left our hapless bishies: after being forced to write review replies, and being sent numerous time to check for ants in a closet where none existed, our questionably dressed, favorite lovable featherduster villain, Lafayel, found himself with some issues to sort out. (other than the usual ones of how he was going to kill Israfel of course—those he was all the more certain of after being sent to break up several stomach turning make out sessions involving the other eraser he so detested) But these unexpected questions were mainly about his own feelings. …What did he really want in life? Why was he cast down to Earth in the first place? Was there destiny or fate? Would he ever make the perfect batch of muffins? (and all those other angst-trap meaning-of-life type questions) Perhaps this was his destiny…perhaps he was here for a reason…and it was time for him to seize control of his life! _

_And so it would be no surprise that we find the majority of our group of favorite enslaved angst slaves rather nervously cringing in the other room, as Lafayel decided to make his move._

NF: (peeks out from behind a chair looking distinctly disturbed) Are they done yet?

Kuro: (pokes his head out the door, then cringes and pulls it back in, shuddering) Er…no…

NF: (sighs) I guess given that it's Lafayel, I should have expected him to be a little more…violent about this sort of thing…

Tomonori: He's ruining half your kitchen from the sound of it…

NF: (shrugs) oh well. Some people will probably be happier now anyway…

Tsukasa: (sighs) if you say so…I can't believe he's not _hurting_ Mizunagi-san…

NF: Er…well, if he's psychotic enough to…er…engage in such things with Lafayel, I'd suppose he knows what he's getting into…

Tomonori: (sternly) Not that your sending him to "check for ants" every few minutes would stifle him…

Kuro: (smirk) Oh? You sure that's the reason?

NF: (grin) Nah, you're just cranky because he kept stopping you and Amou from-

Tsukasa: (furiously red) Ah! Neurofeces-san!

Tomonori: Enough of that! (flustered)

NF: (smirk)

Kuro: (looking around worriedly) Say…has anyone seen Gabriel?

(sudden silence)

Tsukasa: Y-You mean that he's stuck out there?

Tomonori: Oh my…

NF: (wide eyed) with Lafayel and Mizunagi…er…you know?

(all stare at Kuro)

Kuro: (scratches his neck) Er…well…maybe he's passed out by now?

(a very shrill scream from the kitchen)

NF: Maybe he's not?

Tsukasa: (hastily looking around the corner)

Tomonori: (pulls him back quickly) Tsukasa…you really don't want to see this….

Tsukasa: But Gabriel's trapped out there!

Tomonori: (takes a more firm grip on Tsukasa's shoulders) Such sights would certainly taint your purity.

Tsukasa: But I can't just let him…stay in trouble like that!

NF: um…yes you could? I'm doing it, easy. (puts up feet on the desk)

Kuro: Uh huh…and the idea of what could be going on in that room doesn't…er…inspire you?

NF: (eyes narrow) Um…I do believe you are implying something.

Kuro: (meaningful look)

NF: I'm not addicted! I can stop anytime I want! Just because you're all hot bishounan and all…

Kuro: Uh huh…_sure _

NF: I mean…who say's I'm a fan of THAT!

Kuro: Oh no, no, certainly not me.

NF: I mean, I'll prove it to you! (picks up noodle) I'm totally not interested by this sort of thing at all!

Kuro: (grinning) oh no, of course not…Coming, depraved priest?

Tomonori: **_Depraved_**? I am a servant of the Lord!

Tsukasa: Wait! Tomonori-san! What if you get hurt? I have to come too!

Tomonori: Tsukasa, you won't want to see this.

Tsukasa: (hugs him around the middle) But you said that whatever we'd do, we'd do together…(fixes Tomonori with "the look")

Tomonori: …

Tsukasa:…please? Just let me make sure you're okay?

Kuro&NF: (roll eyes in unison)

(Another shrill scream)

NF: Okay! I'm going to prove once and for all that I am NOT a fangirl! Let's go! Quickly! Before they finish up…you know…(evil grin)

Tsukasa: (blinks) What are they 'finishing up' Tomonori-san?

Kuro: (snorts and fights down his laughter)

Tomonori: (blushes) erm…

NF: (snickers and holds the noodle a little higher) alright, the screaming's coming from the dining room…on three! One…two….(pauses)

(JO bishies blink)

Kuro: er…yes?

NF: hmm? Oh sorry, just thinking about—uh…it doesn't matter! THREE!

(calmly opens the door and walks in)

Gabriel: (screams and points at the table)

Tsukasa: oh…!

Kuro: (stares)

Tomonori:…it's…a gallon of milk?

Kuro: (sighs and hides the milk under the table) There there Gabriel…it's going to be just fine. (hugs him and pats his back while rolling his eyes and giving the rest of the group a look like "if he wasn't so pretty, I wouldn't be doing this…")

Gabriel: (whimpering and clutching Kuro) It's Milk, Master! I thought it was gone but…but…but it… (breaks down into sobs)

Tsukasa: Oh dear…it's going to be okay Gabriel!

Tomonori: …

NF: (dissappointed) Huh…okay?

Tomonori: At least he's relatively safe…(cleans glasses, frowning)

NF: yeah, bummer. Hmm…well, since the three of them are all immobilized by the sight of a gallon of milk, and there's relatively little chance of a threesome in the meantime… (evil snicker)

Tomonori: (eye twitches and he looks rather disturbed) (coughs delicately)

NF: I guess we'd better go…er…stop Lafayel from wrecking my kitchen, right? (evil grin) heheheh…

Tomonori: (frowns) er…yes…

NF: (practically skips to the kitchen door and listens eagerly against the door) (puts a finger to her lips to motion for Tomonori to be quiet)

_(through the door) _

Lafayel: Ugh! You're so useless!

Mizunagi: hey, it's not like you did a better job, it's not my fault you're inexperienced!

Lafayel: (groans) just get this over with already! Hurry up!

(other side of the door)

NF: (raises eyebrows at Tomonori, smirking)

Tomonori: (looks uncomfortable)

_(back to listening) _

(sound of movement)

Lafayel: (grunts) I think I'm stuck.

Mizunagi: Oh, that's brilliant of you. You're really superior all right. Leave it you to get _stuck_.

_(opposite side of the door) _

NF: (mouthes the word "stuck?" to Tomonori)

Tomonori: (growing gradually more and more pale)

_(In the kitchen) _

(clunk)

Lafayel: OUCH! Watch what you're doing there!

Mizunagi: (snickering) You're such a girl…

Lafayel: _What_ did you call me?

Mizunagi: Heh, well you squeal like one…You should be grateful, I could have left you stuck, you know..

Lafayel: ugh, you're an imbecile. Just give me a screw.

_(Outside the door) _

Tomonori: (eyes get huge)

NF: (looks both delighted and vengeful at the same time)

_(from the kitchen) _

Mizunagi: Fine, I'll do it quick.

Lafayel: hurry up, it's starting to drip all over me…(sounds disgusted)

_(outside) _

Tomonori: (faints)

NF: (kicks open the door and brandishes the noodle) NO SCREWING IN MY KITCHEN!

Lafayel & Mizunagi: (stare) Eh? (in unison)

NF: (blink)

(long moment of silence)

NF: er…what?

Lafayel: (bangs his head on a pipe and swears)

Mizunagi: (smirks) screw?

Lafayel: Your damned sink pipe burst! (red in the face)

NF: (lowers the noodle) Oh…(sounds disappointed)

Lafayel: Filthy human! EUGH! (shoves away at Mizunagi) Don't you touch me! Ugh…EUGH!

NF: (snickers)

Mizunagi: (gives her a bland smile) Hmm. You think I'd like this big of an ego? (points at Lafayel and raises his eyebrows)

Lafayel: (still disgusted) Don't you even dare to look at me! UGH! Filthy!

Mizunagi: (notices Tomonori passed out near the door) I see you aren't the only one. Heh, now there's a dirty mind, can't believe he's really a priest.

NF: hmmph…(leans on the noodle looking bored) Yeah.

Lafayel: (still screeching) VILE!  
NF: Care to shut him up?

Mizunagi: (smirks around his fresh cigarette) I could. But he wouldn't like it.

NF: (grins) all the better.

Lafayel: VIIILE!

Mizunagi: (grabs him by the head and kisses him)

Lafayel: (stiffens)

NF: (smirk) Osser.

Tomonori: (comes to, groaning)

NF: (looks at him)

Tomonori: (takes one look at Mizunagi and Lafayel, still stuck together and promptly faints away again)

NF: (laughs all the harder) Oy Vey, so very very very nasty! Osser, osser, osser! (cackles and runs off again)

Lafayel: (pushes Mizunagi away) I am going to KILL you…(whispers as he wipes his mouth, eye twitching erratically)

Mizunagi: (laughing riotously to himself as he teleports away)

Lafayel: (swearing vilely as he runs through the dining room past a startled Kuro and Tsukasa—Gabriel has completely passed out from emotional stress)

Kuro: (sweatdrop)

And for all of you pervy little green beans who were thinking there was LafayelXMizunagi sex…or worse, LafayelXMizunagiXGabriel…shame on you! (cackles)

I'm so bad…

Uh huh, Lafayel's version of the meaning of life apparently has to do with causing the most destruction possible. And fixing my sink fits in rather well with all of that apparently (those of you who disagree have never tried to clean out my sink…).

But at least he feels better…right?

(Hee, what a horrible thing for me to do to all the LafayelXMizunagi fans…I was dissappointed with myself too, but I thought it would be better if I insinuated and did other such evil things and allowed perverted minds like my own to run wild. (giggle))

Anyway, the plot of this story's really going to get moving soon…

Oh, don't worry, T and T will still be sappy and such, but this DOES take place in the middle of a war…(grin) oh yes, and I happen to be obsessed with angels…have been for quite a while now, so…well…there have to more than just three fallen angels, right? (grin)

Watch out world, you've unleashed the wave of feces!

Ps. "Osser" is yiddish for "forbidden" from what I can tell. I'm not jewish, I just picked it up off my friend (giggle)


End file.
